DISENGAGING...Who does it really hurt
Been awhile since I have been on here. The last time I was on here was when my husband and I were getting ready to go our separate way's. We are still together but my heart is telling me for how long. 5 year's I have had to put up with crap from his daughter and son n law not to mention his other daughter. My husband doesn't want to here it he would rather sweep it under the rug like it hasn't happened. He say's I just need to let it go, excuse me but it's really hard to do that when you have been letting it go for 5 year's and they want to continue down the same path when they come here. I put up with it for that long because of my love for my husband also the fact that he does love his kid's, this isn't a problem for me. The problem I have is that just how long does he expect me to keep taking their crap. If he really loved me would he have put a stop to it. I have never asked him to not see his kid's I just don't want to deal with the crap they dish out at me when they come here.
I disengaged from his adult kid's I just couldn't take anymore, but disengaging is putting a damper on my marriage I feel it and see it. Shame on my husband for expecting me to keep taking their abuse. I also feel anger. I know these are his kid's and he love's them very much but for him to want them to come here and visit knowing what goes on make's me angry. He told me he think's I'm the one that has caused this. In my head I thought to myself your full of it. The only thing I'm guilty of was kissing their ass to make my husband's life more pleasant. I feel anger towards his kid's for what I fill is causing a rift between us and him for letting it happen. I need to know what else it is I need to do. I'm at a loss here. Thank you.
sydnay - Wow I also saw my
sydnay - Wow I also saw my psychologist when my BF's daughter was living w/us... What is wrong w/these people that treat others so badly that they need COUNSELING?? And of course my shrink totally validated me, because as I suspected I was NOT in the wrong. It was damn near gas lighting in my opinion
I would highly suggest
I would highly suggest getting a therapist. The support my therapist has given me has been invaluable. She's helped me have the courage to do things to take care of myself in the midst of being treated like shit by my step kids. There's no reason those people should be allowed in your home when they treat you like shit. Your home should be your sanctuary. Please get someone to talk to. You deserve it!
^^^^ THIS. But then of
^^^^ THIS. But then of course we get blamed for that effect.
I'm so sorry you had to go
I'm so sorry you had to go through that
((Hug))
You didn't to into detail as
You didn't to into detail as to how they can abuse you when they visit. Are you preparing and sitting down to meals? Sitting while they all visit in the living room? Driving in the same car to visit grandpas grave? Whatever or wherever it is stop doing that.
They can only abuse you if you allow them to by being in their presence. Do they visit from out of state for the weekend? Go to Los Vegas or that country music city in Tennessee, New York City or Philadelphia, Grand Canyon - the list is endless. Just go.
Certainly see a therapist as suggested above but make their visits happy by your absence.
Good Morning, Was up pretty
Was up pretty late last night, Thank you for all the response's.
I will explain some of the thing's they have said to me while here on there visit's.
1] I was making dinner and cutting up tomatoes she walked in and said did you wash
that first. I said something to my husband about it he said nothing wrong with
that.
2] I had to go to the store her husband stood up and said why don't you take so and
so with you {husbands daughter}.We got to the stop sign and there was a place for rent she looks at me and says why don't you rent that. I said nothing. When we got back to the house she said to me when is your birthday I told her and she said I will never recall that. (her mom and dads wedding anniversary} I didn't say a word.
3} I smoke so I go outside they end up coming out and start a conversation , its pleasant then they start wanting to know whose name is on the houses and on the bank accounts how much does he have in the bank, does he still have the cd's who gets how much money when he passes. I told them both that this is something that they need to talk to my husband about. I did sign a waver on his life insurance that it would go to his kids.
4] I had a mustang when I met my husband and was working. I ended up moving to another state with him where his home was. I didn't have a job I was helping my husband with his company. I was told by his daughter and her husband I should get a job making my own money and they fill I am reaping the rewards of the mothers death. I also told my husband this and he said something to them and they denied it.
I know this all my seem silly they are just little things, but a lot of little things just keep adding up.
Another time they came here and my husband had to go back where his company is, that left me here with them. My husbands wife died in an auto accident , his kids blame my husband and I did say to them I feel sorry for my husband that he has so much guilt they both told me good and he should tell the day he dies.
I came into the house they followed , the husband told me I should leave they don't like how my husband treats me and for me to take half of what he owns. Funny coming from him because he wanted me to do a prenump I didn't have a problem with it but husband said no when to people love each other, there is no need.
the last visit they were here they got here at 130 am I got up with my husband to greet them, the first thing that came out of the son in laws mouth was what kind of car do you have now. I said the same one I had last time. The mustang I had I took it back to ford and handed them the keys. I got tired of hearing his kids complain how my husband was making my car payments. So my husband went out and got me a used car. Funny they pulled in with a new boat and truck. He don't work and my husband pays all there utility bills because he keeps a trailer on there property as an office trailer Where do they get there money I have a pretty good guess.
Anyways didn't mean to go on and on. Feels good to vent. Thank you as always for listening. I need to get out and mow the yard and pull weeds have a great weekend.
Holy shit I would have told
Holy shit I would have told them to F-off a long time ago!! You must have a lot of restraint!! What A-Holes!!
OMNG you call these "little
OMNG you call these "little things"? This is seriously personal abuse and fully financially motivated. How can your husband bear their greed. I cannot believe you signed a waiver on his life insurance. Can you change that back? YOu are surely contributing to your mutual lifestyle, why should you not insure his life? Start a new policy and let the kids pay the instalments on the one that benefits them.
He doesn't know about the
He doesn't know about the conversations just bits and pieces because he doesn't want to here it. If I try to bring it up he says I don't want to talk about it or he says that's it I'm going back to ca. I don't know what's wrong with me to be honest. I hate it when he try's to tell me things about them or even brings up their names. I know the past is the past but he think's I should just forget about all of it. Like I said 5 years of this BS and even on there last visit here it was the same garbage. I know he isn't going to change, but I'm not going to deal with them anymore that's where I'm at.
I need to some how let go of the bad feelings I have for them I think they are just down right mean. If he wants to talk about them so bad let him do it to someone who cares and wants to here it. He told me that they apologized to him for how they have acted I told him that's all good but they don't owe you the apology they owe it to me. But to be honest I have come to a point where I just don't want to be around them and upset with him because he let it go on for so long. How would he feel if they had done this to him or the wife that he really loved. I can tell you he wouldn't have. If he wants them to come here that's fine but I wont be here and if he gets upset about it to dam bad he should have been upset with how they were doing me instead of sweeping it under the rug.
Good Morning, Reading your
Good Morning,
Reading your post's this morning pretty much sum's it up as how it is for me also.
I guess most step mom's get the same treatment I'm really starting to see this. I guess I shouldn't take it so personal. It is sad through if you think about it. A lot of the lady's on here seem so nice and smart. I'm not as well educated as some of you seem to be on here. To be honest I feel like I stepped out of the closet as to how life really is when I became a step mom. I looked at the world with rose colored glasses on. I have never been so disliked tell I became a step mom. Now I walk around thinking am I a bad person , what's wrong with me I don't have to many friends here where we live I guess it's because I don't hang out in bars or do drugs. I have a couple of friends here. I cry on their shoulder when things get to much for me to handle, but how long is that going to last I'm sure they are just as tired of hearing about it as much as I am tired of talking about it. So I come here to step talk, I'm so thankful this site is here and the lady' here on this site. Wish it were under different circumstances for all of us but it is what it is.
I don't no how to make any of it change except for the disengaging part I have to say I like it. Now if I could just get my husband to stop trying to cram them down my throat things would be better. I guess that's about it. Thank you for listening have a great day.
I think sadly you are right
I think sadly you are right most stepmoms here get the same treatment, even some stepdads… but about the "I'm not as well educated as some of you seem to be on here", let that go. Nobody should ever feel this way. We each have our gifts and if you mean related to step crap, NOBODY could have prepared us for this NIGHTMARE EVER…Just watch the news and read what most of society says about stepmothers…We ALL came into these relationships with rose colored glasses thinking we would NOT be that evil SMOM…then all of a sudden it happened…"we realized it wasn't necessarily EVIL SMOMS, but crazy ass step kids and ex's and ILs"
So, do not think you are a bad person. When I look at my past, I see that everyone liked me, I had many friends, I was always extremely nice to everyone, etc. Things have somewhat changed as some people think I am just a witch now. Honestly, the ones who think I am, f#$%ck them. They have NO IDEA how hard it is to be constantly put through this crap.
You said: "He told me that
You said: "He told me that they apologized to him for how they have acted I told him that's all good but they don't owe you the apology they owe it to me." That caught my attention right away, because from my own experience (which sounds very similar to yours, although I am a man with a *very* manipulative stepson), the Skids will never apologize to you. Their apology to their dad is part of how they manipulate him. Like you, I first thought that being a step parent would be wonderful; I initially really liked the kid and wanted him to like me, but he wasn't having that. So now he's 40 years old and he's still manipulating his mother, she's still buying it, and I'm having to find my way. Disengaging is the way I've been going too, and also seeing a therapist, which has been very helpful. My wife pressures me to keep doing family stuff (e.g. the kid and his wife and three-year-old are visiting for 2 weeks in the summer, which is a nightmare to me) so I'm having to find ways to deal with that. Ideally, I hope I can just get through it, while taking the higher ground of just not giving the Skid the opportunities to abuse me (for you, it might involve not being caught alone with them where they can badger you about finances, etc.) I know we "shouldn't" have to live this way, but as someone else said on here, eliminate "should" from your vocabulary, since it's not really helpful. What is, just is, and we have to find ways to deal with it.
Hey, I was skinnier and
Hey, I was skinnier and older! Even more crushing for BM!
hehe me too! almost 6yrs
hehe me too! almost 6yrs older and at least 100lbs skinnier lol
Cat...I really have to say
Cat...I really have to say that I like you and your post's. Seems we have a lot in common . I had step parents also and figured when I became one it would also be the same as what I had. (NOT)As for my husbands kids telling my husband they were sorry I don't think they really did I think my husband made it up. His kids are not ones to apologize for anything.
EARL.... I had to look again when I saw your name. It through me for a loop. I guess it's because your a man . no pun intended, Its just I never figured a man would have to go through what a lot of lady's on here are going through. Kind of sad really we fall in love with someone and it has to be head over heels in love for some of us to have to put up with our spouse letting there kids disrespect the new spouse and even our spouses disrespecting us for letting it happen.
Shes driving me nuts...I have followed your post's for awhile now. I admire you also. You got to the point where you couldn't take it anymore and told your husband. It seems to me your life is turning around for you and I'm happy for you.
I have disengaged for about 3
I have disengaged for about 3 years now ~ the weight off my shoulders is amazing !! I couldn't be happier , bye bye bitch !!!
He however is suffering ~ it breaks my heart. He was parenting with the worlds worst mother ever. I think she would be considered a Disney mom if that's the expression here. He was a hands on dad with coaching sports she didn't pay attention to the SD unless she was miserable.
I am a mother to 4 ~ I expect a lot from my kids. I am strict to them ~ raised them as your behavior has consequences always.
I refuses to play into her bs with mommy. If she didn't get what she wanted from mommy she's ask daddy. I caught her smoking pot n told him he had to tell the x ~ it took him 5 days to tell her. Sd wrote daddy a card for Father's Day ~ which was 4 days after I caught her. The card must have made him think if he really wanted to tell the x ~ I stood my ground ~ told him he was full of shit. She deserves to know ~ stop hiding shit from each other n try to out your damn difference aside n do what is right for the kid ~ not covering for the kid .
Fast forward ~ I have disengaged n feel fabulous ~ but I can tell he is hurting. I have never kept him from her ~ she is just never welcomed back in my home ~ EVER !!! I will never get an apology ~ so he will have to split his life if he chooses. I make him my priority ~ not a second choice. I want to grow old with him ~ he can have me to love him till the day he dies or be someone's second choice n be lonely n sad. He chose me ~ but will things ever change I don't know.
When the SK are over 21 do things get easier or worse with weddings n babies !??
I don't really think
I don't really think disengaging HURTS anyone, except maybe of course, those who have no regards for YOUR feelings, thus hurt you anyway might be a bit pissed off because you are no longer putting THEIR feelings ahead of yours. Funny how that works, don't you think? A husband feels "hurt" because his wife is disengaged from his kids and thinks she is evil for putting HER feelings first, yet sees no problem with his kids treating her like crap and him putting HIS kid's feelings first and his wife's feelings last. To which I say "tough shit!" The day he cares more about your feelings than he does about the other's or even his own, is the day you care more about HIS feelings than you do about your own…until then, take care of yourself and disengage. If it hurts him, too freaking bad.
I do get it, I know exactly
I do get it, I know exactly what you are saying. However, at some point you have to start living for yourself and not to please these steps and your husband. I too loved and was invested in them for the sake of the love I had for my husband but husband was like yours and let so much go, it was incredible, and he expected the same of me which I could not do as it compromised my value system and it was a totally stomping on me. I was the one that had to let go and accept that I would never be meaningful part of his sons' lives. It is not an easy decision and I kind of crawled into it but I can say it was the best choice I made with SSs.