My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little more than a year now and we have been through a tremendous amount together and in our lives prior to a relationship with one another. He is 41 and I am 27 he has 3 children (boy 18 and 13, and girl 10) I have 1 child (boy 3).
My relationship with my child’s father is drama free. We are a great "friend" parenting team. We simply did not see eye to eye as husband and wife and knew that a divorce where we could be "friends" and raise our son was the best option. We have joint custody and split everything 50/50.
His relationship with his, just turned, 18 year old son, JR in high school so technically not an adult, has always been mother dominating. He always jumps through hoops and bows down to her no matter what, when, where or why. The child lived with his mother until the age of 13 when he decided he wanted to come live with his dad. This infuriated her and she has been playing the take sides game ever since.
His relationship with his 13 and 10 year old son and daughters’ mother is always drama. It is impossible for the two of them to talk without fighting about everything old. She walked out when her kids were 3 and 6 and did not return until about 4 years ago. The children have recouped and they have a fantastic relationship with their mother. I think that my boyfriend still has a lot of anger and resentment toward their mother for her behavior which I somewhat understand but ultimately everyone makes mistakes and most deserve a second chance. She got tied up with the wrong crowd so truthfully the life she was living no child needed to be exposed too.
We had been dating about 7 months when we decided to move in together. At first everything was okay, we had the typical blended family issues but all in all no one was comfortable YET! They moved into my home as I was not willing to give up my son’s only home he has ever known and up root him. Besides that his home is paid for so he will always have a “place to go.” Once the comfort level began to increase reality began to set in.
I need to give a little background so everything can be understood. He is more of a backwoods boy and I am more of the uptown city girl with small town roots. He has always been a hunting, fishing, less is more, whatever you throw together type of person. I was born with a silver spoon but was raised in a family that taught me the true value of a dollar and techniques on how to have more with less if you will. Basically, he nor his children had decent clothes, matching, or not faded, or not with holes. I have picked up on clearance, sale, yard sale, decent items for all of them to have. I created a wardrobe for 4 other people as that is what they wanted. They liked the way my son and I dressed, Nike tennis shoes, so on and so forth. Please do not misunderstand me with this paragraph, I am NOT looking for a reimbursement. As I have told him and others on multiple occasions I have never done anything for anybody that I did not WANT to do!
Now the story of the just turned 18 year old. He was always very respectful and well mannered, which is not typical all the time attitude of someone his age. In my house I had 3 rules, who are with, where are you going and what time will you be home. These were not rules to be petty to me they are about safety. God forbid you don’t come home one night; I need to be able to tell the authorities where to start. He works under the table for a small company in our town and makes $3 less than minimum wage. I spoke with his father and said maybe he needs to look for alternate job. He did not want to because this job allows him to work Mon-Fri from 3-5 and no weekends. However, he on a regular basis needed money because he wanted to keep up with the social lives of his friends that actually did work a regular job. So as we continued on he made D’s and C’s on his report card and nothing was ever done. He did not play any sports he just did not want to do the work. His teachers would call his father repeatedly saying that he was off task and when he focused he did great. He is very smart and knows how to play the system but his father never held him accountable for anything. I on the other hand was not happy with these grades. I feel as though your behavior at school is a reflection on your home raising and I can assure mediocrity is not acceptable. It is one thing to make those kinds of grades when you truly do not understand or your struggle but to make those grades because you just don’t feel like paying attention is not okay. Meanwhile he goes for a visit at his mother’s and she lives over an hour away. He calls on Saturday night around 10pm and asks if we would come and meet her tomorrow to pick him up as she has bought him a new truck and it is not ready for pick up. Now he has a truck that we bought for him, a decent used vehicle, but he got angry cause the starter went out and poof we were done. His father told him yes and asked was there a specific time and he said nope he would call in the morning. When we got up the next day we tried calling him several times and no answer we decided to ride through the woods on the 4 wheeler and he calls to tell us that he had just woke up but that his mother said we needed to meet her in the next hour. We were that far away from the house. So his father told him we are riding and as soon as we get back I will come and get you but your mother does not dictate my day. He explained that he had tried to get ahold of him and his mother that morning before we left the house. After this conversation the mother begins sending text messages that are hateful and mean. She then sent a message regarding my child, whom she does not even know anything about, saying that if it was my brat then we would stop everything to run to him. I flew the coop. First off, my son is 3 and second off I will not allow someone to talk ugly regarding my child. So after mine and her conversation the son calls to say that he is moving out and come to find out he is not moving in with his mother as she lives over an hour away, but with her father his grandfather. A place where there are no rules, expectations, or anything else of that matter. He packs up his stuff and walks out on everyone without so much as a screw you or anything. He called me terrible things and totally turned against me. We had had such a great relationship prior to all of this. He has been gone over 3 months and has not said a word to me, my child or his brother and sister. He talks to his dad all the time. It hurt my feelings and my sons feelings the day he walked out showing no appreciation for nothing that I had done or gratitude that I had purchased a truck or provided him a home. I have tried to speak with his father but I always am told that I just need to get over it and let it go that there is nothing he can or is going to do.
The other 2 are a whole other ball game. They have to be told the same things over and over. It does not matter that their chore is dishes. I have explained my expectation that the dishes should be completed before I get home at 430. They arrive home at 3 so there is no reason why I cannot be finished. I have explained that attempting to cook in a messy kitchen only creates more issues. NOTHING WORKS! I get no support from their father about anything. The 13 year old and I get along pretty good other than your typical teenage behavior which is to be expected. His daughter and I on the other hand not so much. In front of him she pretends to be this precious princess but behind his back she turns and will manipulate the system to make things better for her. In regards to the hundreds of clothes and shoes that I have purchased for her she cannot tell you where half of them are she strings them everywhere and lets people wear them that never returns them, yet I am expected to replace and buy more when something comes up. Here of late my 3 year old has begun saying and noticing things that are inappropriate he has become infatuated with her and her whereabouts. I have expressed my concern to her father and he keeps putting off a conversation with her like I am going to forget. I am not going to forget I am going to GO OFF!
What do I do?
If you need more information in order to give advice please let me know.