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Hallmark Greetings

JacksGal's picture

Submitted by JacksGal on Sun, 06/22/2014 - 1:16pm

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General Discussion

While out shopping for a birthday card for SD14, it occurred to me that they are missing a whole market.

To the hormone riddled teenage girl in my life,

Despite the fact you've been nasty, sullen and hateful, I do wish you a Happy Birthday. I often lie on the couch and look at you upside down so I can pretend the ever-present frown is a smile. I dream of the day when you smile and tell me you love me instead of hate me and storm off in tears because I asked you to do your homework. I wish there was a monetary value to tears as if there were, we'd be rich. I hope this year will be better and all MY dreams come true.

And off to prepare for her complaints about her birthday gift. Smile

toywas's picture

Submitted by toywas on Sun, 06/22/2014 - 3:27pm

My Hallmark Card to my dear Golden Eggs:

From the beginning I thought I was right
When I married your daddy on love at first sight.
I tried to be your friend despite all my fears
For holidays and birthdays and throughout all the years.

When in reality you only laughed when I cried
And how many times did you ask Daddy to say goodbye?
And you always made me wonder what I didn’t do right
To fit in and belong to the family that bites.

For 13 years you forgot my birthday greetings
And I didn’t forget to do you the same.
And like always you all forgot me on Christmas
This must be your family childish game.

I put up with enough of your BS over the years
When you destroyed my house and put me in tears.
I was hurt when your daddy said nothing at all
Then I remembered - Mommy stripped him of his balls.

But Steptalk helped me break out of my shell
I realized that that you are NOT my fuckin’ hell!
I don’t care about your problems or your life
Your kids, your mortgage, or even your wife.

So give it up, you fuckin’ idiot, I’m not going anywhere
I am here to stay!
And there’s the fucking door
If you don’t like THIS wife’s way!

Thank you - I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER!!!

toywas's picture

Submitted by toywas on Sun, 06/22/2014 - 5:23pm

Now I have a more sentimental one!

Dear Golden Goose:

May your inner strength bring you to the conclusion that you
were SO right to divorce DH. In your eyes, he was such a bad
person by not fulfilling your needs - expensive or otherwise.
After all, who know you would be so damn greedy?

In your eyes, now, he seems happier with me (because he is).
There’s no traumatized effect from being you all those years
(he can now breathe and relax) – until the golden eggs come
to visit (the tension rebuilds; don't forget - they’re also here to see you too!)

I hope now you seek the comfort of what makes you feel good,
i.e. being the victim of someone who’s heart was broken and
left alone because you were such a bitch to live with. In time
I hope you realize that you were at fault as well for the demise
of your marriage. It takes two to make a marriage work and
two to destroy it.

You now have the freedom to be happy; please do so! The
repeated stories of you being so victimized has made me and
so many people either gag or drink more! You need to become
human again; but not at the expense of my happy marriage!

In other words, BITCH GET A LIFE!!!

Sincerely,
Happy Wife #2