Stressing out too much about arguing with pre teen SD

Forums:

We have my SDs 8 and 12 for the summer, they just came down last Friday and I am having actually having heart palpitations over dealing with them. I am trying to be nice and do things like take them out to dinner but even that turns into a nightmare when SD12 decides to argue for a straight half an hour about why she can't have the $7 ice cream as opposed to the free one that comes with the meal. I lost it with her and we ended up leaving. She is home all day with her sister but never wants to do her chores, shower or anything unless I threaten her with a punishment. She consistently comes at me with an attitude and I don't even know I what I did half the time. She refuses to go outside at all or play with any of the neighbor's kids. I am asking for support from my husband but he always says I'm too extreme with punishments or makes an excuse for her. But this all changes when she does something that directly messes up his schedule or inconveniences him. Then he whips out punishments left and right. Afterwards, if I try to enforce the rules he makes when he's mad, he takes it back and lets them get away with murder. I want to disengage but not sure if I can all the way. Should I just let him take the reigns and if they misbehave they misbehave? It's gotten to the point I don't to go anywhere with them because she causes anger and chaos anywhere we go.

Couple of things.. This is

Couple of things.. This is all on your DH. He is their parent and he has to reign the brats in and teach them respect - otherwise, your relatioship's gonna have constant, never ending dramas.

Second.. disengage! Stop doing things for them.. wait for OC..I'm sure he'll be on to post the link soon..

Disengage! I hope he's not

Disengage!
I hope he's not leaving them alone with you as their free babysitter? Is he working over the summer and they aren't in school? Where do they go during the day?
They came to spend summer with him, not with you or at daycare. I sure they would much rather be at home with their fiends etc. I know I hated being away from my friends all summer to spend it with my SM in the middle of nowhere (and I loved that lady!!!)

Make it allllll his problem. Because it is. It's not yours, so don't make it yours. Otherwise it'll all be yours, trust me

First. The point of

First. The point of visitation is to be with Daddy not with you. Tell your husband that he needs to find a babysitter for the kids (BM?) when he is not at home. Effectively that probably means an end to summer long visitation and limiting it to his vacation days and weekends. Anyway tell him babysitter quit.

Second disengage. Click on the link below to read an article on how to go about it:

http://steptogether.org/disengaging.html

Disengage! Tell DH that they

Disengage!
Tell DH that they are out of control when he is not about and you are not capable of taking care of them so he needs to make other arrangements. He will probably blast you as useless and remind you that he has to go to work to provide a roof over your head. He will tell you that all he ever dreamed of was the perfect family with the right woman. Don't let him manipulate you!

Stand fast and watch him throw you away like an incompetent employee. Still stand fast though because the tables will probably turn and he WILL make other arrangements because HE doesn't want the responsibility. Just the hero medals. He will probably start being nice to you after they have gone because he will still want to employ you as a cook, cleaner and someone to stroke his ego.

I had exactly the same situation as you and I let it drag on for 10yrs. SS lived with us full time though.
Today SS is on a flight to his mothers because I didn't back down that I didn't want SS in the house alone with me. That meant he had to be with DH. Within 3 days, DH booked a flight for him. He said he didn't want the boy to hang out with his friends because they were bad for him.

To the kids you are a play thing
To your DH you are a miserable moaning child minder that looks downtrodden
Think how attractive and confident you was when he met you.
Now look in the mirror
Get her (the real you) back. She's in there somewhere.

"I'm sorry, SD12, I know

"I'm sorry, SD12, I know you're tired of staying home and having sandwiches for lunch. I would love to take you out to eat but your behavior last time makes me unable to do so." Natural consequences. Don't even involve hubby because all that's doing is making him protective of her.

Better yet... at the restaurant to the waitress:

"SD12 won't be having ANY ice cream, thank you..."

When you get home, cry to DH... "I tried so hard to make her happy today (sniff, sniff) but nothing I do is good enoughhhh... I don't know why she hates me so much (sniff, sniff). What could I do different? Do you have any ideas??? I am just trying to be a good stepmotherrrrr...." You get the picture.

If you're not ready to disengage and fight that battle with DH (I do believe you take a hit to your marriage when you disengage) then sometimes you just have to play her game.

Kid visitation and biology

Kid visitation and biology aside, you are your DH's equity partner in marriage and that makes you an equity parent to any children in your home regardless of biology. The same applies to your DH. DH needs clarity on this.

Let him know that YOU will parent and discipline as YOU see fit when HIS girls are in YOUR home and HE can either step up and get it done to YOUR satisfaction before YOU have too or HE can STFU. His choice, be an effective parent or STFU and get out of your way. This clarity needs to include that you will have ZERO tolerance for snarky 8yo and 12yo kid bullshit and if they are disrespectful and argumentative then you will make their time with their daddy in your home a living hell. Behavior expectations and consequences for failure to comply works every time. But only if the expectations are clear and the consequences are effective and consistent.

If he does not get in line on this and if the two of you cannot figure out how to work this as the equity partners that you are in your marriage then marital success is far from a sure thing.

IMHO of course.

Good luck.

DH should put them in a

DH should put them in a summer day camp. I told my DH I would not be SD11's free babysitter for the summer. He puts her somewhere during the day while he's at work because SD is her for him to visit with, NOT for me.

We live with my brother and

We live with my brother and sister in law in a duplex. They are most of the day while my husband and I work. The girls are on their own during the day. I thought about it last night and they are causing a serious rift between my husband and I. I feel like the older one likes to create problems and is secretly enjoying the chaos she causes. The younger is just plain mean and has no sense of empathy and remorse. She is too lazy to get up and use the bathroom so she just pees her pants all the time (which is unacceptable for an 8 year old). We took her to the Dr about and he confirmed that it simply a behavioral problem.

I made a deal with her that if she could go a month without peeing her pants, I would buy her whatever she wanted at Build a Bear. A month went by and she insisted that she had not had any incidents of peeing. Just before we left for Build a Bear I out her clean clothes away and found that she had stashed a ton of pee stained underwear in her drawer. She lied and stabbed me in the back. She expected me to be fine about it an hour later. My husband continuously insists that this normal behavior for kids and all he has to say when the older one treats me like crap is "she's a pre-teen". But like every other time if she gives him an attitude, he bites her head off. I don't understand why there is a double standard. He doesn't understand how frustrated I get when the one thing I ask her to do during the day to help out never gets done. My evenings are now spent cleaning up cooking for them.

My SD8 pees on everything and

My SD8 pees on everything and hides pee clothes. WTF? You're 8 go to the damn potty! My SO makes excuses for her, this is my favorite, she was playing so hard she just didn't stop to go to the bathroom. My second favorite, well she's only 8. Last year she was only 7, so at what age is it not ok to piss on herself just so I can put it on the calendar!

One of 2 things needs to

One of 2 things needs to happen. Either:
1. Your DH agrees to have your back. That means no more backing off punishments already handed out. He supports you 100% when YOU hand out a consequence. He demands that his children treat you with respect and courtesy at all times or there will be more consequences. In short, he parents and supports you in parenting.
2. You back off entirely. You do not take them out for dinner, you do not give them chores, you do not "bribe" them to do what is expected of them. You do not make them eat their veggies, go to bed on time, or any other thing that is normally part of parenting. You leave ALL of that to DH. All YOU do is the fun stuff that you WANT to do (and only if you want to!). You get to be the "fun aunt" and Dad gets to be the Bad Guy 100%. These are not your kids, you are not responsible for how they turn out or any other damn thing. EVERYTHING you do to help contribute to their welfare is a FAVOR.

Your issue right now is actually your DH - not the kids. You are currently in a position where it seems like he's expecting you to "parent" but then he's completely undermining you. That stops TODAY. Either he supports you at all times or he parents at all times. No more of this half and half nonsense, it's going to kill your marriage.

SD12 latest drama was about a

SD12 latest drama was about a bathing suit. She claims that the bathing suit she has from last year does not fit and she wants a new one. Rather than simply asking me to get her a new one. She is lying about the old one not fitting and stood out in the driveway with her arms crossed giving me a dirty look last night for questioning as to why she needed a new one when the current one fits fine. It's like I can't even question her without her getting hostile when I know she's pulling her usual bullshit. Husband just sat their stone faced while she gave me trouble :?

Oh, this one was EASY! SD: "I

Oh, this one was EASY!

SD: "I need a new bathing suit, my old one doesn't fit any more!"
You: "That's nice dear. Go ask your father."

Disengagement at it's best!