SD15 off on road trip!
SD15 took off this morning on a road trip with my MIL to see family up north. At least 3 days of no SD15! I almost feel sorry for my MIL. She doesn't have a lot of money, but I'm sure that will not stop SD15 from asking for everything she can. I mean, isn't that what grandparents are for (at least in the minds of these kids)?
Need to figure out how to best approach DH while SD15 is gone. I have to try to make him see he is not doing her any favors by groveling to her every single time she doesn't get her way and throws a fit. Have to get him to see that SD15 can only "punish" him if he allows himself to be punished. When she throws her little fit on Sunday morning because she can't have the more expensive sandwich or drink, and sits at a table by herself, he needs to just leave her there! She is only doing it because she knows he will come beg her to sit with us, and she likes that attention...makes her feel important, because obviously she wasn't important enough for the more expensive treats. If he starts to ignore her, she will stop doing it...because instead of getting more attention, it will be getting her less, and will drive her nuts.
Same thing with begging her to watch TV with him. Nothing wrong with him asking her if she is going to watch something with him, but if she says no or gets up 5 minutes in to hide in her room...just leave her! She wants him to beg! He needs to just ask once at the beginning of the night, and leave it after that. He made the first move, she turned up at her nose at him, she cannot legitimately say that he doesn't want to spend time with her (though she will still try to say it...just like she tries to say it even when he grovels).
And the next time she starts screaming that she would rather live with her mother, tell her, "Fine, talk to your mother about that!" and walk away! Don't beg for her to stay...it isn't worth the bullying and abuse she is doing to DH!
I get that he wants a relationship with his daughter, but he is allowing her to use this against him to get her way. She should never have this much power!! Sometimes you have to accept that there will be times in your life your kids may hate you, and these times may go on for what seems eternity. But some people...even if they are your own children...are not worth the abuse that comes with trying to force a relationship!
Oh, of course! I will
Oh, of course! I will probably wait until Wednesday evening. If anything, so our talk is still fresh in his mind the moment that SD15 gets back.
What makes you think that he
What makes you think that he thinks you have superior knowledge when it comes to raising his kid? Spouses are usually the last ones listened to.
Get on Amazon.com and buy a book on raising teenage girls and give it to him.
Counseling has been recommended above. Go alone if he won't go with you and try luring him in after a few sessions. If he doesn't respond just leave them alone to each take the consequences of such bad fathering.
honestly, id give up and
honestly, id give up and simply have an incredible 3 days with your DH. show him how great life can be and how much love you have to give him with SD out of the picture.
dont mention her once.
maybe MIL will keep her.
"maybe MIL will keep
"maybe MIL will keep her"
OMG...one could only hope! But I wouldn't wish that on my MIL. The woman spent many years taking care of a sick husband before he passed. She is still dealing with those medical bills...paying what she can when she can.
I'm thinking I'm going to talk to him one more time...but like I said...right before SD15 comes home. Just tell him "my observation is" and "as a female I know these games" and see what he says. We have not discussed this particular thing yet. If he gets it, he gets it...if he doesn't, well I really don't know. Like I said...she is playing the oldest female game in the book! I will admit, I probably did it to some guy in my life when I was younger...NEVER did it to my dad (knew better, and was taught to respect him). Most females outgrow it and find a more mature way of dealing with issues, and unfortunately others (like BM) don't. It's the whole, "I'm going to make you pay by giving you the cold shoulder" act. Now, when you are a girl in your early 20's (and in this day and age in their teens), whatever...yeah, the guy comes running and groveling because they don't want you to "cut them off". DH is not one of her little boyfriends. I get he wants a relationship, but he needs to get that first he is a parent. He can't fall for her little "boy toy" games! Like I said...I'll bring it up...see what he says. I'll tell him, "She can only punish you if you let her, and you shouldn't see her ignoring you and throwing a little fit as punishment! Instead, you need to simply let her know who is in control of the situation! Let her have her little fit...walk away! She is only doing it for attention, so trying to get her to get out of her funk is just feeding that. If you stop, she will have to find another way to gain attention! Don't reward her unless she seeks attention in a positive manner." And what do I mean by a positive manner? Basically, not acting like a little, stuck-up brat! You want attention? Fine...join in on family activities without being begged to. Try coming out of your room every now and then on your own without the devices and actually sit and enjoy a movie or something with our father! If I want attention from my husband, I pay attention to him, and vice versa...I don't go pout in my room and make him come ask me what is wrong!
A 15yo has graduated from a
A 15yo has graduated from a belt to the bare ass to a snapping back handed slap to the snarky lips. It works wonders in resetting the disconnect between the teen brain and the behavior.
If DH tolerates this bullshit lippy behavior from his snarky teen spawn then her behavior is entirely on him.
He has to deal with this.
IMHO of course.
Oh, I agree with you fully! I
Oh, I agree with you fully!
I think when it really gets to me is when his groveling takes away from our time or what is going on (i.e., being out for a Sunday spot of tea). The other reason I thinks SD15 does it. I say this because the fights are NEVER at a time of the day where I'm doing something else. No, when they have their fights, it is usually around bed time. So, instead of coming to bed, DH is in SD15's room trying to explain why this and why that, or telling SD15 why he doesn't want her to live with her mom! Sure, I can just go to sleep, right? Not being the light sleeper I am. The yelling keeps me awake until the whole thing is over...which they can go on for 2-3 hours (and no, I'm not exaggerating there).
Same thing when she throws her little fits in public. Instead of ignoring her fit and sitting with me, and us going on letting SD15 know she will not get her way by throwing a fit, I'm left sitting alone while DH is over begging SD15 to come sit with us, or talking to her like she is 3 telling her why she can't throw a fit whenever she gets her way (in that super Disney Dad voice, of course). Yes, if you have the picture of this in your mind, you are probably right on, and it is quite sickening.
And then, when I want to take on a second job as a personal trainer so that I can pay some things off, and start building so that I can quit my day job (which I HATE by the way), I get the, "But that means we will never spend any time together!" How are we spending time together when you are always trying to kiss SD15's arse because she is playing you with the oldest female trick in the book?