Never coming 1st to DH
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Recently my soon to be DH mentioned how his biological children(son4, daughter3)come first in his life and if I didn't like them we would never work out. I was surprised by the statement. Of course I know his children mean the world to him but since that comment I have just felt completely useless. I am not a mother and may never get to be one, we can barely make it with all the CS he has to pay. It bothers me to know that I will never be my DH's entire world because he has two children that our world has to revolve around.
Not sure if we're allowed to
Not sure if we're allowed to post videos, but show him this. If he still feels like his children come first, be thankful that he's a soon-to-be.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MatcQT3X1d4
Coming first isn't the
Coming first isn't the problem. Is he unwilling to make your relationship his top priority? If yes, then that is the problem.
Sometimes the skids/kids are going to come first. They are completely dependent upon their parents to see to their needs.
That being said, many of the relationships on here fail simply because the adults in the relationship are unwilling or unable to make the relationship their priority.
In my opinion, the relationship comes first. Then the needs (not wants) of those, well.....in need. Whether it's you, your FH, your skids and/or your future bios (if you choose to have them).
I would sit down with him, maybe consider pre-marital counseling to see if you can resolve this issue. If not, then I would suggest not getting married. And if you're living together, I would move out until he is either at a place where he can make the relationship his priority or you both decide it's not going to work.
It's really not worth staying in a relationship when your partner is making you feel unloved and unwanted.
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your thoughts. He is a great fiancee to me and normally I feel like I am priority. I just worry that if I ever get annoyed with the SKids that he will want to leave me.
I really recommend counseling
I really recommend counseling before marriage then. Try to focus more on your relationship being the priority, because there will be times that the skids will come before you. It's just the nature of the gig. It would happen if they were your bios too.
That being said, it's not necessary for you to live in fear of being divorced over you being annoyed with his kids from time to time. They are not your children. They are going to annoy you because I'm assuming you are at times, put in a position of being given the responsibility but not the authority.
Sit down and talk to your FH. Have an honest conversation about your fears and his expectations. Love is a wonderful thing. My H is a good person but because his stupid head was up his stupid ass for so long, we have been walking the fence on divorce.
Love isn't enough to make a marriage work. Neither is feeling as though you're being left behind by your FH. You should feel secure enough in your relationship where you can be annoyed, without worrying that he is going to dump you. Likewise, he should be secure enough to understand that his kids are going to annoy the shit out of you from time to time. The same way they annoy the shit out of him from time to time. That is no reason to dangle threats over your head. They are not your kids and you are not going to feel the same way about them that he does. He needs to accept that in order to marry you....or anyone else for that matter.
I wish you all the best. I strongly recommend counseling before marriage though because things like this do not improve with the "I do's", then tend to get worse. Solidifying your relationship now will save you some heartache down the road. And you will learn some communication tools that will not revert to ultimatums and threats.
You definitely need to get
You definitely need to get this resolved before you get married. My DH made me feel like our relationship was a priority before we got married but not long afterward it switched back to his kids. He couldn't accept that I wasn't as emotionally invested in his kids as he was. He was looking to replace his nuclear family and when I wasn't willing or able to do that, that ended it. (SKids were 15 & 11 at the time we got married but I had been dating my DH for six years before that). I guess I should have realized I wasn't marrying just him, I was marrying his kids too.
It sounds like your fiance is "telling you like it is" so I wouldn't expect things to change in the opposite direction after you get married. Love doesn't conquer all.
LOOK everyone, It's posts
LOOK everyone,
It's posts like these (^^Shaman) that always kept me coming back to this site.
When I see those posters that come here, don't like what they read, and then claim that this site is full of bashers, it pisses me off! It's clearly not the case. What is the case is that there are just people that cannot handle constructive criticism, get offended, and then feel the need to lash out.
O.k., just wanted to point out to anyone who may be reading this thread, and may have doubted the integrity of posters on these boards, that there ARE understanding and helpful people here who contribute their time to others.
My SO once said "don't ever
My SO once said "don't ever make me choose" and I said don't worry I won't because I know I won't win. I've realised reading the above that I don't think he actually puts our relationship first either. Wow, what a wake up call.
My DH told me that once, I
My DH told me that once, I turned on him and said no, don't you make me choose, because I have a choice too. It was a wake up call to him, he seemed to have forgotten that I could choose me over him & SD, he has never said that to me again. I would never make him choose between us, but I do expect that if SD is not in distress or her life is not in jeopardy then our wants & needs come first. My SD is grown, I won't say adult, because she is not one (and I don't think she ever will be).
^^^^THIS^^^^^^ Caused my
^^^^THIS^^^^^^
Caused my marriage to fail...........I just couldn't help him replace the nuclear family he lost.
My DH told me flat out before
My DH told me flat out before we married that he believes the two married people are the foundation of the family. The marriage comes first. Later he told me that his own parents had always showed a united front to the kids, that he felt it was key to back up the marriage partner in front of the kids.
He has stuck to both of these principles so I have a great advantage to some of the people who've already responded to OP.
YET, we have still had to work very, very hard on making this work.
Because in practice, putting the marriage first means different things to different people. The behavior of children looks different to a bio parent than it does to someone else. The best response to a child's behavior looks very different from one adult to another.
Feelings get hurt, children manipulate, the parent you are NOT marrying reaches her tentacles into your house, a couple becomes exhausted and sick of talking about the kids (or problem kid or other bio parent).
Then there are the endless issues of custody arrangements -- should we change them? is other parent trying to change them? what's best for the kids? what's best for US?
Whether you are ready for it or not, your life AND your ROMANCE will start to revolve to a huge degree around these endless questions of child-rearing and the other household. Even the best of relationships -- born in courtship, where dinners out and other fun activities fill up your couple time and conversations are about mutual interests, not kids -- may crack under this pressure.
So if your beloved has not figured out yet that the MARRIAGE is the foundation of the family and is actively aggressive about showing you your place in the heirarchy is no better than number 4, I would caution you that very difficult times lie ahead.
The irony is that by stating his priorities like this, he thinks he's doing the best for his children but what he is doing in reality is setting them up to experience another unhappy marriage and divorce. He is also setting them up to become wild aggressive children that NO ONE but their own parents will really love or can even stand to be around.
The best possible thing he COULD do for his children is A) model a happy, successful, and healthy relationship for them and
set firm limits for them to channel their growth safely in the right direction.
I love my husband and would not want to lose him for anything. But I could not live under the constant threat that he would pull the plug on me. That's not marriage.
I do wish you good luck with this. And please don't misunderstand, I don't think the two of you are doomed, even if it sort of sounds like that. I think there are many conversations the two of you might need to have before you sign on the dotted line. It can work, very much so, but please prepare the ground a bit better before your plant yourself into his life.
Hell yeah!
Hell yeah!
I always wonder WHY a person
I always wonder WHY a person would make these kind of comments? I am a single mom, and it would just never cross my mind (and has not) to make these kind of "who comes first statements". I think they are unnecessary and speak of huge insecurity and power issues for the parent.
My relationships are my business. My son is my number one priority. Clearly if someone was abusive to him I would not stay with them, but I also hope I would have better taste than that. Someone I am with clearly will know I have a child, so statements like the above just are said to create pain.
I agree with the idea of
I agree with the idea of there likely being something going on for DH that he felt the need to say this to you at this particular juncture. But I want to focus on you too. You've said it bothers you that you'll "never be your DH's entire world". For me as a SM, I think that's the reality of stepfamilies where the parent loves the children from the previous marriage. You as the new partner are obliged to see their strong affections for very significant others on a daily basis. You aren't your partner's "whole world" in that sense. I do feel it's important to come to terms with that notion before marrying. Think carefully too about having kids of your own. If you let yourself go down that path of wanting to feel his "whole world", you will not fully enjoy your first pregnancy and labor because you will know that he has been in this situation with BM and isn't experiencing it uniquely with you. Now I only felt a twinge in that regard, and that was because my DH did nothing to take photos of me and my first newborn: it was that trivial, and I got over it. But a lot of women might take it worse. Are you one of those?
I do think you guys have a heck of a lot of talking to do now and it's best that it has come out before marriage and children.
I agree completely with this.
I agree completely with this. When I was a SM I honestly never was jealous of the skids and wanted ex to spend time with them. Most of my difficulty was my ex lol. I would send them all out together to have some "me" time.
Post ex, the one relationship I truly felt was worth it was with a single, full time dad (he had to move away for work and I did not want long distance). Again, I never felt conflicted about him being a dad. But, I am a mom too, so I kind of expect the same from them.
You need to be a certain type of person to accept kids etc. It is not wrong, or right, either way, but it is important for the parties to recognize this.
Your comments about the pregnancy strike a chord...I was never jealous - I was grateful he knew what the hell was going on as I did not! But that is because I am a wuss lol. I have friends who would never date men with kids and that is their choice and good for them to know that. I equally have friends who do, but probably should not! I have no idea really what I want and need right now and so am happy becoming a crazy cat lady (I think I may just be too selfish for relationships, I am picky and naggy and get easily bored and annoyed, so single life kind of suits me, sad but true).