Bed bugs and piercings
I raised my SD14 for eight years but she has not lived with us for the past two years due to physically and verbally harming my bios (also DH's bios). She has RAD and no one would get on board with me to get her into a residential treatment center...so she is not being treated.
Anyways, things have been pretty good and SD's attitude has done a 180 (I think she wants something) but I feel like venting today 
A few months ago, my MIL and SD wanted my bios to have a sleep over with them. I NEVER wanted that to happen but my bios really wanted to go and I didn't want them to look back and resent me for keeping them from their step-sister and grandparents...so I reluctantly let them go. BS came home with bites all over him. BD bites apparently showed up at school and the school called me three times out of concern and we had to run medicine to the school. I finally figured out what it was and DH talked to SD about it...BED BUGS! Disgusting! Thank God I was able to make the school think it was chiggers! SD knew they had bed bugs and I bet MIL did, too and they didn't care about my kids...nope! They wanted them to spend the night regardless of the fact that my sweet babies would be "snacked" on while they slept! I was irate. We since bought SD a new bed and mattress with special cover to prevent bed bugs. Now every time the inlaws and SD come visit, I get the creeps thinking about them all sitting on my couches with what could be bed bug infested clothes on. 
MIL has been allowing SD to get piercings. DH is in on it, too. MIL gives permission to SD and tells her to have her dad do all the legwork...and he does! SD now has a naval ring, nose ring, lip ring and those nasty gauge things in her ears...at 14! SD and I were starting to get along and I was taking her out to town on occassion...but now I don't want anyone to think she is mine and I have allowed all that metal to be installed in her head!
Back to bedbugs...just realizing MIL crocheted a blanket and dress for our baby we are expecting in October...I wonder if that stuff is safe or bedbug infested! I don't want a newborn getting bit or bedbugs coming into my house! Anyone have experience with bedbugs?
I'm not "blaming" SD so to
I'm not "blaming" SD so to speak...it is just like her to manipulatively do something that will result in harm to someone else, so I question if she had a motive to begging for the kids to stay with them. Perhaps it was to get her dad to realize she had bedbugs...if so, it worked! And yes, her mom abandoned her.
Supposedly they have treated the house a ton on their own and they keep coming back. At least now SD should be fine in her bedroom with a safe bed.
I agree on the epic parenting fail. DH has admitted he has given up on her...that is easier but is not the right thing to do. MIL doesn't want to be hated for parenting like I was as SD is her princess grandbaby aka favorite. She is also too tired to deal with SD's wrath if she is told no. I wasn't scared of the wrath but refused to deal with it anymore. MIL has questionable parenting to begin with...all of her kids have or had major issues. Thank God therapy helped DH work through his!
Inlaws is not the best place for SD, but it isn't with me so I don't care. I tried for eight years, it didn't work, she isn't mine...they can figure it out or damage her further however they so choose.
It is hard for me to think
It is hard for me to think "poor girl" as I have seen this kid physically abuse animals, kill one, leave animals with no food or water (we quickly realized animals do NOT help kids with RAD) and hit, pinch, kick, strangle my bios right in front of me and then tell me she didn't do it. I couldn't blink or one of my bios would be hurt. She would tell therapists at treatment centers she loved me and was "fixed" so she would be released when it was just a ploy to get released. When released, she then saved a profile of a serial killer that sounded just like her to my user on our computer. The serial killer killed her entire family. I took that as a threat. I spent so many hours trying to find her a treatment center that understood RAD that we could afford and missing work for so many interviews that I am surprised I wasn't fired. My BD had accidents until two weeks after SD moved out and then no longer had accidents. That is the stress our family was under. Time for the people that didn't support me in helping her to step up...but they won't. I have nothing left to give.
After so many therapists couldn't diagnose her, it was really too late to help her. RADs at her age only recover if they want to...SD clearly wants this life as she brags about the things she does.
But yes, there is a damaged, 'poor girl' under there...she is just really hard to see behind all of the scary behaviors. Thanks for the reminder
It's nice to talk to someone
It's nice to talk to someone that actually understands RAD! I did a lot of research and tried to adjust my parenting the best I could, but DH just couldn't do it. He would forget all the basics the second SD opened her mouth! I guess it might be harder when it is your bio. This resulted in SD HATING me because I always ruined her fun and Daddy didn't seem to back me up. We found one therapist a few hours away but it seemed he just wanted our money. He wanted to try things that were meant for five year olds and SD was 10 or 11 at the time. The only treatment centers we could afford didn't understand RAD well enough and SD could manipulate them. They were more for a break for us than treatment...but I think they made the problem worse.
I gave my inlaws info on RAD when they took her. As an example I told them they need to make her ask permission to pee so she learns she won't die if she is not in control. Instead, they stopped telling her no and let her do whatever she wants. That isn't going to help. But in my house with just me "getting it" with little ones around wasn't going to work either.
For a while I wanted to raise awareness of RAD and try to get help for families like ours that can't get on welfare but yet can't afford $5,000/mo in treatment. But I don't even know where to begin.
Thanks for the link! I
Thanks for the link! I hadn't seen that group before. I doubt my inlaws would take the time to read but it is worth a try! Thanks!
I have a friend who has had
I have a friend who has had them twice, maybe three times. I think heat is the most effective way to kill them on stuff, like toys and stuffed animals and stuff could be sealed in trash bags and put in the car for a few days in the heat (this was in Phoenix, inside the car can be 140+ in the summer) and it would take care of them. Other things like clothes could be washed and put in the dryer on high for several cycles. That still left things like furniture though, and God help you if you have carpet. She had to get all new furniture, and get this awful poison sprayed around. It was a nightmare. I didn't go in her home for like three months. I would only sit outside with her on plastic chairs, and I would still immediately launder everything I was wearing when I got home. But, I'm kinda paranoid.
I had bed bugs once. I
I had bed bugs once.
I destroyed the mattress set I had, and bought a METAL bed frame. Do not put the beds against walls either. Bed bugs hide in wood if they have not infested a mattress. Wash everything you can in extremely hot water and dry on high heat too. The house pretty much needs to be baked at the highest heat possible before it possibly burns down.
Frankly, it was cheaper for me to move and burn my mattress.
Dupe.
Dupe.
I hadn't let my kids stay
I hadn't let my kids stay with my inlaws for over two years because last time they babysat, they took my kids with no carseats to a park and let my barely 2 year old son go up a huge slide alone...the slide was too hot so he had to go back down the ladder...backwards alone with no help. I NEVER let him go on that slide and they let him with no help. It was over 25 ft in the air! So this was me finally easing up and giving them a chance to show they were capable of keeping my kids safe...and they FAILED! So yeah, DH doesn't have much to say, he knows the bios will not be staying there again.
BM abandoned SD almost ten years ago and wants no part of her life. She is a druggy on welfare so she wouldn't be much help anyways. She is after all, the reason SD has RAD. It is an attachment disorder and was caused by the neglect and abandonment her mother put her through. Therapists advice she stay away from her mom.
It isn't $5 grand, it is $5 grand per month and she would probably need at least a year of treatment to make any progress, probably longer. Insurance won't cover hardly any of it, so that is out of the question. RAD kids and families that aren't broke have no help out there...sad but true. This is why there are crazed psychos that blow up schools...RADs have no empathy and could easily watch someone die with no remorse. But there is no help
Where was dad when mom was
Where was dad when mom was neglecting her? Would rad really result only from one parent neglecting? I'm no expert, that is why I am asking you. You hinted earlier that she has never actually been diagnosed with RAD. Does the rest of the family thing that she has the disorder?
RAD can develop in a number
RAD can develop in a number of ways. The most common is probably when a child does not attach to a primary caregiver in an orphanage type setting...especially in foreign countries that have been known for serious neglect. It can also develop in premature babies that are in a lot of pain after birth and sometimes, like in our case, when abandonment or neglect is experienced from one parent.
DH and BM broke up when BM was pregnant with SD. He made them live with him for the first year of SD's life. Then SD lived with BM. I came into the picture when SD was almost 4. At first she seemed like a pretty normal kid, except she grew attached to me very quickly. I now realize that was a false attachment these kids often portray. After a while, I started to notice bizarre behaviors, like SD telling my sisters I loved her more than them (I had only known her for a couple months!). She would also be mean to them when I was in the other room and then act sweet as can be which confused the heck out of me. When we picked SD up in the evenings, she would sometimes say she had only had cereal for breakfast. When she was older, she opened up a bit more and talked about people her mom left her with telling her a girl was murdered in a closet and then they put her little sister in the closet, making her scared for her sister.
RAD is usually developed by age 3 and I wasn't around during that time. DH told me BM would never get up with SD when she was a baby, that he always had to. I can only imagine what happened when BM and SD moved out and DH wasn't there to care for her. I think BM also has RAD. She was such a troubled kid her biomom sent her to foster care when she was a pre-teen because she couldn't handle her. I don't think she is attached to SD and that is why SD can't attach to anybody. I hope the cycle ends...
I fought bed bugs once for
I fought bed bugs once for three months and here's what I learned: All of the expensive chemicals and heat treatment will not work and it's unlikely you will find an exterminator who will guarantee their work for this very reason.
There's this stuff called Diatomaceous earth that's a powder. They make a "food grade" that people use to protect horse feed from beetles and such. The powder is a ground up fossil that is like glass shards when a bug crawls through it. The bug gets coated in it and takes it back to the nest and then all of the bugs are getting cut up and start dying. Once I found this I put it EVERYWHERE. I even drilled holes in the wall and used a diner style ketchup squirter to put in the walls. I put it on my dog, in the mattress, couches, bookshelves. I put it everywhere. Got rid of them in 10 days. $17 bought me enough to treat 3-4 houses. For what it's worth.. you can put it down as a preventative too.
Oh, the piercings. SD18 had
Oh, the piercings. SD18 had her lip pierced when she was 16. BioMonster took her. We had no idea until she brought the boys over and DH said, "What on God's green earth is THAT?!" It's offset to one side and looks ridiculous. Add the abnormal hair color, the too-tight jeans, the skin-tight shirts, and her fat rolls hanging out... lovely.
"That's not a muffin top. That's a busted can of biscuits!"
Oh, the piercings. SD18 had
Oh, the piercings. SD18 had her lip pierced when she was 16. BioMonster took her. We had no idea until she brought the boys over and DH said, "What on God's green earth is THAT?!" It's offset to one side and looks ridiculous. Add the abnormal hair color, the too-tight jeans, the skin-tight shirts, and her fat rolls hanging out... lovely.
"That's not a muffin top. That's a busted can of biscuits!"