Renting a room temporarily
We have decided to lend a room temporarily to a long time friend of mine. He is relocating to pursue a new career overseas and has found himself in a housing pickle. He will be gone in less than a year (about 7 months), but his lease is up and cannot get a month-to-month at the same place. He doesn't want to move into a new apartment for the short term.
DH and I offered for him to stay with us until he gets sorted out. We have plenty of space. He is paying enough to cover his costs, but not a market rental rate.
Now, we DO plan to tell BM that a new person will be living with us (you'd want to know if it were your kids, right?).
But what do we tell her? His name? Relationship to us? Circumstances of his stay? I mean, at what point is some of it not really her business? As a parent, what would you want to know?
We are also balancing the fact that he is a long time friend of mine who I don't want to involve in BM's crap (directly, he's well aware of the drama that goes down) .. so clearly his contact info will NEVER make it into her hands.
No. High Conflict. LOL. We
No. High Conflict.
LOL.
We only think that we should tell her because we know she will find out anyway, and she WILL make a big deal out of it. Do you think it's unreasonable to want to know, or to ask for that info? Clearly DH and I have no worries about this man posing any threats to the skids .. he is a trusted friend and he will not be assuming any type of babysitting duties anyway (skids are only over on weekends as it is and we don't go out when they're there).
I try to put myself in a "mother's" shoes in these situations .. if it were MY kids, would I want to know who the man living in the basement at Dad's house is?
Thank you I think people
Thank you
I think people tend to underestimate what it means to have a truly high conflict BM. It changes EVERYTHING!
I would say, if there is
I would say, if there is nothing your CO that requires your Dh to provide the make up of the hh, I wouldn't say anything. It's not really any of her business. IMO.
That was my initial gut
That was my initial gut reaction as well .. I'm glad I'm not the only one!
I just know this will become an issue. I KNOW it will. I know skids will mention him moving in to her and it will hit the fan. Just trying to stay ahead of that shit storm, know what I mean?
I understand how you feel and
I understand how you feel and I could totally see you wanting to just stay one step ahead but if you're bm is like the Bm here she will probably take this as you're asking IF it's okay and will give her some type of power trip as though she has some say in your home.
If it were us, I would deal with it later and if questioned I'd have Dh shut her down right away by advising that as long as the children are safe/healthy/happy it's none of your business. and if she tries to take you to court have her look like the fool crying over your long time friend who sounds to be sorta like family living in your Hh. Unless the children is question are being left to sleep on the floor in the hallways of the home to accommodate this friend I'd say it's all good. I guess what it comes down to is that she chose your Dh to be the father of her children and in doing so she needs to trust his judgement of who they are around when they are in his care just as he has to trust who she has children around when they are with her.
I guess I feel like if Dh and
I guess I feel like if Dh and I ever did split up and this same situation arose I might be bothered however Dh is VERY protective of our daughter and so I would trust him to protect our child. I might feel differently if I had had Dd with a random guy that I didn't really know and was sharing custody but I know my husband very well. Of course I don't know the situtation of OP but I'm just speaking from my situation. Now now stacey, my answer may very well change if I ever do split from my Dh and this happens lol but this is what I think now. haha.
I guess the way I see it is and what I question is, what would telling Bm accomplish? What if she says no she's not okay with it? Does OP and her Dh allow Bm to have a say in who lives/stays at their home? I could see if Bm was willing to coparent and was pleasant but this Bm is high conflict who might just make a stink just to make a stink.
Omg, I know!! If Dh and I
Omg, I know!! If Dh and I split, I wouldn't date either. This life is too ridiculous to try to repeat. There is no WAY! lol.
Right .. lol that's how I
Right .. lol that's how I feel too!
My gut as a step is to say "Screw her, my house my guest, we are clearly not doing anything to endanger the children". But I know there's a pretty rational parental instinct to want to know who your kids will be spending time with (although they won't really be spending a lot of time with him).
Right .. all understandable.
Right .. all understandable. I have resigned myself to accepting that we WILL tell her, I just don't know WHAT to tell her.
I'm hesitant to ask what she wants to know because that will open flood gates. I am NOT comfortable with her reaching out to him directly or making him feel threatened/uncomfortable in any way.
She is high conflict. She will not make things easy.
Agreed. I would not feel
Agreed.
I would not feel comfortable with another adult living in my home- male or female. While I 100% trust myself and my DH, things happen. I would never want to even make it an option.
Plus I like to walk around nakey sometimes or bra-less... I wouldnt feel comfortable with another person living with us.
I understand that too
I understand that too
7 months is the max. While I
7 months is the max. While I appreciate the advice on the alternatives, DH and I have discussed and don't have any problems with him staying with us. He does have a job and is looking to switch careers because he will be moving overseas. His GF just moved to London for her work and he is exploring opportunities before making the move himself to join her.
He will be working and traveling quite a bit during his stay; I don't imagine he'll be hanging around with us all the time (especially not on weekends when the skids are there).
As a BM I would want to
As a BM I would want to know... who is sleeping in the same house (somewhat long term, its not like its a weekend thing) as my child.
When my Ex got a roomate for awhile, I asked a ton of questions. I also asked Ex to not leave BS alone with this man, as I didnt know him at all and Ex knew him just from work. I would have preferred to have gotten his first and last name and I would have checked the sex offender registry as well.
I am very cautious who I have around my BS, because this day and age, you just never know.... so as a BM I would want to know these things.
Understood; and I'm not
Understood; and I'm not opposed to sharing some information.
But what is BM going to learn by meeting him? Short of taking her opportunity to threaten and interrogate him? I will provide his name and even his previous address (once he moves). She can do all the background checking she wants. DH has already done the same.
And I DO understand the concerns .. all the more reason I don't want to hide the fact that he'll be staying there.
If he has already done
If he has already done background checks then he can provide her with copies of those (redacted as needed).
Personally I would suggest that you two play it by ear, giving minimal information until more is requested. Let her know in writing (email is preferable) that your friend will be staying with you for the foreseeable future (no need to give reasons or time frames). Let her know that he will have his own room. Tell her that this will not interfere with usual visitation and that you just thought she should know. I would tell her about a week or less before the friend moves in or even after he moves in but before the kids first visit with him being there. If it is in writing then it is all clearly stated that you are being reasonable if it is every brought up in court. That way you tell her in advance (the kids will only tell her as soon as she next sees/speaks to them anyway so you might as well get in there first) but she doesn't have much time to cause any shit and you aren't giving her any choices about it all.
If she asks more questions you can outline your friendship with him..you've known him for X number of years and trust him completely to allow him access to your home and to be around your children, but that because you want to be ultra cautious you have already carried out a background check and it came up clean. If she asks to see it, then you can offer it up to her with any personal information redacted. She only really needs to know a first name really (she'll find this out anyway from the kids).
I see no reason why she must meet him, she may want to but as the kids are in your husbands care it is up to him to ensure that they are safe and she has no say in who is around them. It is like when divorced/separated parents are dating new people, there is no obligation for the new partner to be interrogated by the other parent.
Personally, I wouldn't tell
Personally, I wouldn't tell BM a thing. She has no right to know and especially if she is high conflict, it gives her the idea she has the right to the information. If she asks I would tell her a friend is staying. I would not give any names, dates, etc.
Just mentioning that you have
Just mentioning that you have "a friend staying temporarily" should suffice.
We had a relative staying
We had a relative staying here for about 6 months (My relative). We did not tell bm. Sd mentioned it and she may have asked dh at some point.
The most info she got was first name and relation to me. We did not answer any of her questions (well, we did but vaguely) about why he was there or when he was leaving or what the sleeping arrangements were, etc.
None of her business whatsoever. The bioparent in the home has the authority to determine whether the arrangement is healthy and safe and has the responsibility to do any checking and ultimately has the right to have anyone they want in their home.
When she asks, he can just say "My friend Joe is staying with us for a while." And then be vague, change subject, end conversation.
He could send an email proactively stating that he wanted to let her know his friend Joe will be staying with you in case sd mentions.
As a parent of daughters I
As a parent of daughters I would be worried and want to know. But the reality is that once there is
a divorce you cease to have a real say in what happens at the other parents house. How many BMs
move strange men in and the BD cant do a thing about it? Sad but thats one of the things you lose
control of in a divorce.
I have a very high conflict BM that we have dealt with for 19 years. Trust me even if you tell her
ahead of time to try to keep the peace there will be a shitstorm. Just let him move in and when she finds out and confronts you have DH say " Hes a very close friend of the family that is staying temporarily. What I do in my house has no bearing on you just as what you do in your house has nothing to do with me unless there is a REAL danger which there is not. Have a nice day" And dont engage her
in any way on the subject anymore. Trust me she will be pumping your stepkids for as much info as she can and will get a ton of info with her interrogations.If theyre like my SD was when she was little BM will know his mothers maiden name, where he graduated from, who he banks with and what kind of toothpaste he prefers!