Residential parent
BM told FDH that she is having her lawyer put in the papers that neither BM nor FDH Is the residential parent, that it is to be a mutual decison on where the kids go to school.
Is this possible? I don't see it working out in anyone's favor. I just picture a bunch of legal bs and being back in court.
Does anyone have any experience with this situation?
We all have a good relationship. BM and I don't like each other but we talk back and forth about important things and FDH and BM have a good relationship. They have 50/50 shared parenting a week on a week off with one evening in the off week. So far they have agreed on everything but what school to put the kids in. BM works full time as an stna and does not have a mon-fri schedule. Usually she works more hours when we have the kids and only two to three days when she has them. FDH works mon-fri every week.
Of course they both want to be the residential parent for their own benifit. BM has always wanted her kids to go to school A and FDH has always wanted them to go to school B. It makes more sense to me for FDH husband to be the residential parent because of his work and he plans on buying a house in the next year or so.
Any thoughts on this woul be helpful. Thank you.
our agreement is written such
our agreement is written such that the parents must agree on where the child goes to school, and in the absence of such agreement, the local public school trumps.
now in our state, a child can attend school in either town - as long as the child sleeps at least one night per week in a household, they can go to school in that town.
for us, removing SD from her school system that she's always attended made no sense, and BM is primary anyway, so it was never an issue.
the issue my fiance is having now is that he wants to her to go to the VocTech next year but BM wont send her because SD doesnt want to go (even tho BM agrees its the best place for her!!). But sadly BM always does what SD wants, rather than what's best for SD, so she will most likely barely pass highschool as a C/D student and have no skills and no college. Oh, well, NMP.
To answer your original
To answer your original question, yeah, it kind of doesn't make sense not to put it in the papers. Agree now and get it in there, leaving it as "we will agree later" seems to invite more court crap.
As to who should be named "residential parent" though? I agree with Sally - support your DH in whatever he wants to do and listen to him, but DON'T get involved or offer opinions otherwise. You have a working relationship right now, and it's fragile. That working relationship is the difference between a workable, sane, livable life and total insanity. Having an opinion on this (or at least voicing it) could backfire on you not only with BM, but also with the kids AND with your DH.
BM wants to live 40 mins away
BM wants to live 40 mins away from us. Which whatever it's not our place to say where she can or cannot live, however I will be the one that does the transporting most likely due to the fact that I don't work. I am in school currently. So I am the primary caregiver to the skids (18 months, and 4) when they are with us. I am curious about what our options are and who the courts will side with because it does effect me just as much as it effects my FDH if not just a little more. He has told me that if I don't want to take care of the skids that he will put them in daycare or I can go back to work if I want. And if I don't want to drive them to school then he will find a way to get them there if they go in BMs district. It just makes sense for me to do the running. I just do not want to have to drive 40 mins one way twice a day till the skids are old enough to drive.
FDH and BM have talked about MAYBE having her put in that they have to live within 15 miles of one another. Which is also fine, currently. But a year from now it has me worried about when we want to go but a house and can't live where we want to establish "our" family.
I don't know, maybe I'm just stressing out to much about it. I do that a lot with a lot of things that involve BM.
There used to be a lot of drama there. BM would say that FDH slept with her while I was out of town and stuff like that. BM used to text FDH ALL the time complaining about her work day and her new boyfriends. FDH and I had a lot of arguments about BM. I started going to every drop off/pick up with him because it got very uncomfortable for me to know they were alone. It was a lot to handle for me.
I decided that it was best I would stay home now for drop offs/pick ups and FDH put a stop to BMs texts. Things seem to be a lot better now for all of us. But things still get under my skin like this whole residential parent thing that they are disputing.
Sorry for the ranting and babbling on and on. It's nice to just get things out.
the only way id want to stay
the only way id want to stay at home with SK's is if perhaps i was already home with my own.
are you intending to have your own child soon? if not, id put the kids in daycare and focus on your career. the day care should probably be located closest to the primary residence.
We have been trying for a few
We have been trying for a few months now to have our own. I plan on working from home as a medical transcriptionist and all my schooling is online, so it is more convienent for me to stay home with the skids at the moment.
You're going to have to let
You're going to have to let BM and DH decide this one. No, it does NOT affect you. Not unless you allow it to. Your Dh has already told you he will put the kids in daycare if you want and told you he will figure out the transportation. The only way it would affect you is if you don't make him stick to that.
Frankly the judge/court doesn't give a flying leap if things are the way YOU want it or think it should be. They just really don't. You're a nobody as far as they are concerned in a parenting plan/CO between BM and DH.
Things like distance one parent can move/or not move without 'permission' with the kids is not something uncommon to be entered in the parenting plans. Sometimes 50/50 spilt time just doesn't work when the parents decide the want to live to far apart and the kids have been doing 50/50. The time spilt has to change. Meaning perhaps BM will get Monday trough Friday during the school year and DH gets every weekend and school breaks and extended summers. There is no reason to believe at this point this woman is just going to decide to turn something like primary custody over to your DH nor that your DH would 'win' against her to obtain it in court. But 50/50 legal custody can remain regardless of who would have primary or residential custody....yes, that means major decisions have to be mutually agreed upon or back to court the parents go.
You haven't even looked at homes to one day buy yet, so where you think you might live in a year if you purchase a home 10, 20, or even 90 miles away is really currently a non-issue. It seems silly to fight over which school district (BM's where she might live in a year or Dh where he might want to live in a year) without actually having a specific district the argument is over. Comparing school districts and education plans between the two district is usually part of a judge deciding if the issue is brought back to court, besides whether a child has already been established in one district, has to leave established friendships , potential special education opportunities blah blah. Courts look at best interest of the children, not what is better or more convenient for the SM.
DH and BM have a similar
DH and BM have a similar thing in their agreement. Neither is the custodial parent since they 50/50 physical and legal, but DH is considered the custodial parent for school matters since SS15 goes to school in our district. I suppose that would change if he were ever to move in with BM full time. Right now it doesn't really matter, since BM has no interest whatsoever in SS15's education.
I do have experience with
I do have experience with this.
Even though "on paper" BM had primary custody.... five years ago DH fought tooth and nail to be a residential parent because he wanted my SD to go to a really good school. BM FINALLY gave in.. BUT she was still the "primary parent"... Even though she was with us practically full time, DH PAYS for EVERYTHING, and BM gets a pretty penny from him every week...
SO fast forward, we move to a new district in May... while not as good as where we came from it was still leaps and bounds better than the school in BM's district.
SD is 13 at this point and we feel like she has a say in this and we asked her where SHE wanted to be. She wanted to be with us, but BM for some reason put her foot down and said absolutely NOT! (at this point her f'n little piece of paper that says "primary custody" is all she has.
DH went to the court and was basically told he would have to hire a lawyer, and SD has a voice... and she would have to use it and TELL the judge what she wants... and EVEN THEN it is no guarantee.
We had to give up. All because BM was selfish. The reasons we wanted SD to go to our school was for HER BENEFIT. So she could get a GOOD education. .. We weren't doing it for US...
I wish you the best... let us know how you make out.
Thank you for your reply. I
Thank you for your reply. I know that it's impossible to tell the future of where we will be and when but even as it stands current our district is better than BMs current district. I know they both don't want to give in to one another for their own selfish reasons. I'm tired of all this drama lol and I know as the kids get older it will most likely just get worse......
Waiting to decide opens the
Waiting to decide opens the door for too many problems. If child goes to school X in elementary, and then a parent moves, and then they have to go to Y the next year, it creates issues for the child and it opens the door for litigation (year after year after year).
DH and BM decree doesn't have a residential parent. It just says that for school zoning, "X's address" determines the school the children will attend. Then neither of them are 'residential' but the school district is established.