Being called names! HELP!
Hi,
I need advice. I am engaged to an amazing man who has a 6 yr old daughter M, I've been in the picture for over a year now and since the beginning M has appeared to like me... well, about 2 months ago my boyfriend and I decided to take his daughter in vacation for a week, we did everything she wanted and on our visit to my cousins house M blurts out that her mom is going to be informing us that she called me fat! (Admitting I am overweight but no bigger than the average woman) It of course hurt my feelings and my boyfriend informed her it wasn't nice and so on, while at my cousins she exclaimed "don't make me call you fat again" simply because I was telling her to be polite . Well this past weekend I'm driving and my boyfriend is talking to M and she says her grandfather called me fat which I am assured isn't true. Once again she has called me fat for no reason... what do I do? How do I get her to stop being mean and disrespectful when I am extremely nice to her? I am afraid her actions will cause issues for me and my boyfriend because I don't want to be abuse or around her.
Have a come to Jesus meeting
Have a come to Jesus meeting with you bf. Tell him how you feel.
I've had the laying in bed
I've had the laying in bed talks where I express how I feel but all he responds is she's a kid and she gets bullied at school because she's a tomboy and that she's probably acting out but I need to stand up for myself and talk to her but she isn't my child. Her mom has full custody of M and in turn I feel I am not the one who needs to say anything but know she and I need to find out what is going on to where she feels the need to be mean and hateful to me. I have no children but do have a niece I've helped raise (from a 2 parent home) but she would never be so hateful. How do I approach the situation without acting in anger and saying until she learns respect she isn't welcome in my home but her dad's either because I know she is 6 but is it normal for her to be so mean?
Yeah, I don't believe my
Yeah, I don't believe my boyfriend would appreciate me flipping my script and neither would M.
hahahaha! you make me laugh,
hahahaha! you make me laugh, notasm!
You're very sweet so please
You're very sweet so please forgive my snarkiness.
You're suggesting reasoning with a 6 year old girl, who is not being disciplined for her bad decisions.
The simple answer is the BF should squat down and get on eye level with his kid, and tell her in an even voice "You do not make nasty, rude comments like that to OP or anyone else for that matter. Ever. Do you understand?"
That is how you deal with it.
People should stop trying to figure out why little kids behave like brats. The answer is simple. Because they're allowed to behave like brats.
Shaman nailed it. This is how
Shaman nailed it. This is how you handle it.
If bf won't do it, you do indeed have bigger problems. I understand that period of time where you're engaged but not married and beginning to figure out where you fit in all this and what your role will be. At the same time you're wanting to enjoy your engagement and float on that pink cloud of love to your wedding day. So you're not sure what to say and how and if it's worth saying.
Here's the answer: It IS worth saying.
You can start by simply enforcing your own personal boundaries with the kid. She is little so this shouldn't be all that hard. "Never talk to me like that, skid, it isn't allowed." "This is between you and me, skid, I never allow people to talk to me like that." Try to just keep dad out of it if you haven't really gotten his full support yet.
When I was in the phase with my then-fiancee and SD, there were several times I just dealt with SD myself because it just slipped out, "Don't do that, ever, kid," "don't talk to me like that, I don't like it," etc. And she was 12. She has been a massive handful and THINGS JUST GOT WORSE AFTER THE WEDDING.
If I had to do it all over again, I would have been a lot firmer even and then some. One of two things will happen if you take this approach. A) your fiancee will see the good results you are having and start emulating you or at least engage in a positive, healthy dialogue with you.
he'll skewer you like you've never been skewered before.
If he does B, run for the hills. It is a small taste of you life to come if you marry him.
If he does A, you've got a keeper and you can work on things together for a life time.
I like your response and I
I like your response and I believe I will add that into the conversation she and I are having this weekend.
Sit your BF down, do not have
Sit your BF down, do not have this conversation lying in bed, and explain it's his job to control his child and if he continues to allow her to be disrespectful and rude to you, then he should plan on being alone for a VERY long time.
Do not put up with this. If it is not fixed before the I Dos, trust me, it will get worse afterwards.
Whatever behavior being displayed and how your BF is dealing with it will get worse upon marriage. He's allowing his daughter to behave like an ill mannered brat and not disciplining her for it. That is his job as DAD, it doesn't matter who has custody.
FYI - The BM and this skids grandfather may not have ever said these things, she may be coming up with it on her own. Your BF should mention her nasty mouth to his ex so they can deal with it because if she's doing it to you, she doing it to others.
I've expressed that he needs
I've expressed that he needs to handle it and he says he will but he doesn't want to because he only gets her certain weekends and her mom and family is like that so it wouldn't do any good
You have a Disney Dad on your
You have a Disney Dad on your hands.
I've heard this excuse a thousand times. My response is the same. He sees his kid every other weekend (or whenever) but he's a Dad 100% of the time. Which means having to deal with her good and bad decisions and his responsibility to reward or punish depending on the circumstances.
afountain - this is not going to improve and will get worse as she grows older and he continues to ignore her behavior. You will be the one to pay the price.
I've expressed that he needs
I've expressed that he needs to handle it and he says he will but he doesn't want to because he only gets her certain weekends and her mom and family is like that so it wouldn't do any good
Oh I completely agree that
Oh I completely agree that she knows fully well what she says is harmful and mean but her dad apparently doesn't think she understands because I haven't been the one to say it to her (bull crop in my opinion) . He blames the way she acts on her mom because she is the primary caregiver but I believe she can act however she wants with her mama but she should respect while with us.
This gets my fires going. He
This gets my fires going. He has no influence, it's all on mom?
Tell him he can have "house rules." He doesn't make the rules at mom's house but he does make the rules at his house! Even little kids can understand that. It's very simple and it's not personal. It's just the way things are in this house. The end.
Make sure he understands that when you are married and presumably in the same home, YOU expect to have a say in house rules in and name calling is the first one. Tell him it isn't your house if you can't make that rule. This will be a good test of whether he is ready to be a good partner. He should WANT you to feel like the house is yours as well as his and therefore you have authority there. If he doesn't feel that way, sayanara, or just accept that you are willingly signing on to Hell.
Plus -- you can also tell him
Plus -- you can also tell him that by requiring better behavior at his house he is equipping his daughter to function in the world. She will be unliked and friendless if she thinks it's fun to call people fat. She may do it a lot at mom's house but because he taught her different, she will have some tools in her kit when she goes out into the world rather than letting the School of Hard Knocks beat it into her.
Ask him if he wants her to be friendless and widely disliked? If he does, he is making a great start of it right now.
Someone might never say "fat"
Someone might never say "fat" again if she gets a spanking from daddy next time it slips out...
SD has turned tables on us most recent but when she was little 3-6, and would say something to get a reaction, she sure would...a nice swift swat on the butt...she stopped that real quick!
Pre-teen years have now set in and I think she might need a few more swats on the butt!
"don't make me call you fat
"don't make me call you fat again"
She used it as a weapon to control you. It was after you told/reminded her she had to be polite. Calling you fat, this child realized she holds a big weapon against you. She calls you fat, Daddy reacts as a wimp to you and you got your feelings hurt by a 6yr old. Heck, the kid has it made for perhaps the next two years. All she has to do is say ""don't make me call you fat again" each and every time you don't give her her own way, remind her of manners, or simply gets angry with you for existing.
You'd have thrown the game for a loop if you'd have looked her in the eye and said 'don't make me tell you your top is ugly'. She'd have been shocked then burst into tears and really had her fee-fees hurt. Imagine that. This little kid trying to intimidate you in front of a room full of people now finding herself feeling and knowing the whole room is now staring at her and her 'ugly' shirt.
Of course you're too nice to do that or have done that. Kinda mean to think of putting a 6yr old down like that. But that's exactly what is going to happen to Ms Smarty Mouth the first time she tries that "don't make me call you fat again" on another little girl at school.
Now is the time for your BF to stand up and put a stop to this kid thinking she can bully and hurt other people's feelings by saying/doing mean things to other people.
he responds is she's a kid
he responds is she's a kid and she gets bullied at school
That is one of the lamest excuses for a child disrespecting an adult that I have ever heard. It's because she is a kid that she should not be talking to you or any adult like this.
He informed her it wasn't nice? She already knows it wasn't nice.
It's not HER actions that will cause problems between you and your boyfriend, it will be his LACK of action. The fact that he doesn't want to discipline her because he only has her on certain weekends is a HUGE red flag. This will not get better.
You could escalate. "I may
You could escalate. "I may be fat but I can lose weight. You will never get over being ugly." That ought to kick off a lifetime of issues for this little brat. }:)
In all seriousness, swat her on the ass and tell her each and every time she is rude she will her her butt swatted then plant her nose in the nearest corner and leave her there until you feel like letting her move. If she moves without permission swat her as again and plant her nose in contact with both walls in the corner.
Don't bring up ugly .... yet. About 10 years down the road if you have to then bring it up.
UPDATE: Found out today when
UPDATE: Found out today when my SO met the BM to pay child support (I was sick so I didn't go with him) the BM asked if he missed them.... So I now believe the BM is poisoning my future SD and probably planting it in her head that I am standing in the way of her and her daddy getting back together.... any advice?