SD17 let herself in the house while we were gone overnight
Hi everybody 
It's been awhile since I have posted but thought I could use some feedback bc FDH and I cannot agree on this.
SD17 decides when she wants to come around and visit at her convenience (i.e. Birthday, christmas, prom etc) basically when she's sniffing around for $ she makes a quick 2 hour appearance and is gone again after that. This has gone on for a few years now but she occasionally breaks the mold and will come for like 5-6 weeks in a row then be gone for months but like I said, these visits always turn out in her needing or wanting FDH's $. Since I became pregnant and started showing (successful vasectomy reversal 
) She's been around even less- great for me but FDH is sad about it.
I made a reservation months ago to a nice hotel as a little stay cation with just FDH and I to get a break and enjoy each other before baby comes. WE were both super excited.
Had an awesome weekend!!! connected, relaxed, ate good and enjoyed each other.
We got home and the alarm wasn't on......we set the alarm before we left and no one should have been in the house. No one SHOULD have a key. I'm creeping through the house freaked out and notice immediately someone had been in my bathroom. I'm yelling for FDH like WTF someone was here...no one has a key RIGHT? Who would have been here, Fdh shrugs nonchalantly and acts like it's no big deal (he's a paranoid person and would have been freaking out normally) then he says "Idk, I left SD17 $ in the grill for the haunted house so maybe she came in...........
"Ummmm I thought she didn't have a key since we changed the locks FDH"
"oh, I left one in the grill a few weeks ago and she never gave it back, idk, it's not a big deal maybe she had to go the bathroom and let herself in"
I'm f'n Irate at this point and basically freaked out.
This girl barely visits when we are home but when we are gone she lets herself in the house???? My bedroom door wasn't locked and I have serious trust issues with her. It has been 2 years but she has stolen clothes, earrings and even my underwear. I let my guard down and I paid for it. She hasn't been around in so long I didn't even think to lock my bedroom before we left. NO ONE should have been in the house.
FDH and I got in a huge blow up fight #1 about her having a key period, AND me not knowing about it and #2 That she just lets herself in the house without letting us know and then leaves the house unarmed overnight!!!!!!
I'm still so angry. FDH says it's his kid and his house will always be her home. He wants her to feel comfortable at his house and have access to it. He doesn't think she will steal any of my things now and it was a long time ago and I can never let anything go and I hold grudges.
I understand what he means but with her past of stealing my things and her refusal to come over visits I don't think she has any business having a key to our home. She's more then welcome to come by when someone is home, she also should have at least let us know she was entering the house AND that she didn't turn the alarm back on!!!!
Am I in the wrong??? Am I being the Evil "stepmom"????
Seems at times we come so far then in a situation like this feels like we are right back at square one
I would (do) feel the exact
I would (do) feel the exact same way as you do for the exact same reasons.
My DH had that same attitude- its his kid, so what is his, is theirs. I said NOPE because it is now mine too!
You seem to have good reason
You seem to have good reason to not want her at the home unsupervised or without notice. For me, even if my bio kids were troubled I probably would give them access to our home regardless of where their primary residence is, so I would have to allow my skids the same liberties bc of the respect I have for DH. It's a tough situation though and can appreciate where you're coming from.
I purchased a new lock set
I purchased a new lock set for the back door, made me feel better at the time but I do realize that he will probley just get another copy of the key and give it to her like he did last time...FML
My privacy was completely violated and just like last time, I have no idea whats missing until I'm loping for it and it's gone. I didn't have anything too valuable but thats not what she goes after, she goes after my cute shit that she thinks she would look good in then it's gone forever. So so so frustrating
No I agree, my skids will not
No I agree, my skids will not have keys to my house ever. They don't respect other peoples belongings. Also, what's the point in coming over if DH isn't there? She comes to see him, if he's not there to be seen then no point in her being in the house. The problem with my skids, and sounds like your too is that ok, what ever is their fathers is also theirs, well if it's mine or partly mine they have no say in it and need to leave it the hell alone, but none respect me, my things, or boundaries.
I'd be pissed. Because of
I'd be pissed.
Because of BM's history of shady behavior and SD being so easily manipulated by BM, I've already informed DH that SD will NEVER have a key to our house. I can't say for certain how he feels about that, but he understands how completely serious I am about boundaries and my personal space and he knows the result from those being violated will be exponentially worse than any "discomfort" that SD might express from not having her own key, and that's not something he wants to deal with.
Actually at this point your
Actually at this point your anger is directed at the wrong person. While it's totally understandable you have trust issues with a teen that's stolen from you in past, this time she didn't do a thing that your DH didn't give her permission to do...he left her a key in the grill. A key being given to the FSD by her father is a sign to the teen that she can use the key when no one is home. She did.
Her father intended her to have the ability to enter at any time no one was home to allow her in. So she did. He may have underestimated a teens lack of remembering to reset alarms, but he did not accidently leave a key for her usage with the intention of her using it.
FDH went behind your back with full intentions in of his daughter having a key and using it. The anger shouldn't be at SD for letting herself in...for all this kid knows you knew about and agreed to the key and entering or that she had permission to whether you knew about it and liked it or not.
The fight really should have been about how could FDH go behind your back. How can you trust him if he sneaks keys like that to SD when he knows the house rule is no key. You shouldn't have left him room to go into a grudge thing and people change blah blah...this incident is about shaking your trust in him. How do you trust someone who breaks agreements with you and then makes light of it and turns the incident around on you going on about grudges and giving people a second chance.
I'd be mad as h*ll but the anger would be fully focused on how and why it was allowed to happen and your hurt and anger over the sense of being played the fool and betrayed by him.
Agreed, and my anger is
Agreed, and my anger is directed at him. I'm annoyed that she chooses to come over and let herself in when no one is home but chooses to not come over when we are home? That's fishy. Fdh is not off the hook for this. It's all his fault and he knowingly gave her access to our house behind my back fully aware of how I felt about it bc my feelings have been known for a long time.
Your husband is an idiot.
Your husband is an idiot. Get the locks changed. We didn't give SD one or SS one when we replaced all the doors. SD will never have one. SS16 only has the garage code and knows if he gives it to anyone, he will only be able to come home when we are here and he lives with us full time. Trust him completely since he hates his sister. But, there is no way in hell DH or I would give her a key.
Change the locks.
The sneaky part about leaving
The sneaky part about leaving money and a KEY in the grill is what would bother me.
She can't come over when he is home to get money from the Daddy ATM ???
My SD once called DF & asked him to me her to give her money n something's of hers. He said nope come over n get 'em yourself. Which she got pissed about n went into my girls bedroom n trashed it n got a garbage bag n filled it with stuff that belonged to her n my kids.
He was pissed ~ and at that time he realized that all he was , was an ATM. His ahhh haa moment ~ I said not a thing bc her actions told it all.
We went to therapy over this
We went to therapy over this issue bc I felt so violated and I was just furious and neither fdh nor I were bending either way. Our therapist made us look at both sides and said fdh shouldn't have betrayed my trust but I also need to understand that it is his kid and she "can" have a key if fdh wants her to have one and basically the issue will resolve itself over time. If I'm at home with baby she won't come around. She's a senior and will be going off to college and won't have a need to come into our house.
I don't fucking agree. I think that sneaky girl will come every opportunity we aren't home. Had fdh not even fucking told her we we
were going to be gone that
were going to be gone that night she never would have came!
He said he doesn't bring anything up to me that has to do with her bc he knows I don't like her and it causes a fight. .........Yup, that's his only defense when he's wrong he says I just don't like her. UGH
You need to show your DH what
You need to show your DH what holding grudge really means. I would not speak to him for a couple of weeks. I would hold such a "grudge" against him he would never even dare do something like this again.
Oh she's done that too. At 14
Oh she's done that too. At 14 years old she found some of fdh old sleeping pills he had hidden in a high cupboard, apparently she took them,never said a word, and we found out months layer when her BM called to bitch fdh out bc apparently sd14 at the time couldn't handle ME in fdh ' s life so she tried to commit suicide by taking sleeping pills........I still don't totally believe that version of the story but yup, that's what happened.
To some extent I agree with
To some extent I agree with you, but I do wonder whether he would still give her a key if she'd stolen from HIM.
Exactly, if my bio was a teen
Exactly, if my bio was a teen and stolen from him, and I secretly gave her a key and she let herself in our house while we were gone over night and didn't let anyone know?????? This would be a completely different situation. Bullshit
Not it is THEIR home. I
Not it is THEIR home. I cannot randomly give keys to anyone I want without dh's agreement, and vice versa. If one doesn't agree then it does not happen.
I would agree with your dh if your sd did not have a history of stealing your things. At that point she lost the privilege
of having a key to your home. And that would be true for anyone IMO- I don't care if it is my birth child, my step child, cousin, neighbor, etc.
Does the alarm system have a code? Can you change the code?
Also 100% agree. If one
Also 100% agree. If one person is uncomfortable, it doesn't get done. Kid has another home she can hang out at. Stepmom only has one house. She has a right to deny keys.
We moved into a new house and
We moved into a new house and eldestSD moved in too, got a set of keys. Couple of weeks later decided to.move out Her choice. Claimed she couldnt live with me!
I asked SO to get the keys back and all hell broke loose. He said no way this will always be her home and should be able to access it anytime she likeS! He cant see my point of view that if she has decided to move out shes moved out. She is always welcome BUT only when one of us is home.
As she only has keys to the front door and we use the back if we go out i always put the safetyc hain on and double lock it!
Thanks it was so disappointed
Thanks it was so disappointed and it really did ruin what a great time we had.
When we got new locks put on
When we got new locks put on our house, DH and I had a discussion about this. My BS16 who lives with us 80% of the time got keys. Skids 14 and 11 did not get keys. DH and I agreed that we don't trust their mother and therefore they don't get keys. When skids get older and are driving we will probably revisit but I'm sure it will be the same decision based on the same question - Do we trust them? In our case the answer is no because skids are so PAS'd by BM and that probably isn't going to change. We trust my BS and my exH. We don't trust BM and the control she has over skids.
Agreed 100%!
Agreed 100%!
The alarm code hasn't changed
The alarm code hasn't changed in a few years, so she has had the code from 3 years ago when she was with us 50/50. I agree it's time to change it.
What pisses me off is IF my brother for example, lived with me for a time and stole my things but never apologized, never fessed up and completely got away with it and made it seem like I was just being a bad sister by blaming him bc I don't like him, do you think he would get a key? Especially after being around sporadically for the next few years and openly not liking me AND taking my things????? HELL NO. As many other have said this isn't because she's FDH's daughter, this is what FDH is trying to make an excuse out of. I don't give a rats ass who you are. You steal my things out of my home, out of my room and my clean laundry hanging in the laundry room you lose that privilege to have access unsupervised in my home.
Fdh thinks we have moved past this, I have not. He never believed me when the things first disappeared until I lost it on him and he knew I was serious. At first he said maybe I lost them? There is always an excuse for her. I've accepted my things are gone and I will never get them back but that trust has not been restored. It's easier for her to be the "kid" the victim and for me to just "not like her" so she can get away with murder and I'm always the bad guy.
Fdh leaves hours before I go to work and gets home hours before I return from work. There's no way I could simply not give him a key to his home. He definitely tarnished my trust with him, I don't know if I'm foolish to believe the therapist that this will resolve itself but I know she doesn't like me, so if I'm home all day with baby why would she want to come in? Anyway, those locks are getting changed and when I see her I'm telling her myself that she needs to let someone know before she wants to come to the house.