How do you discipline your skids?

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I am just curious as to how everyone disciplines their skids...nothing at all, tell the BM or BD to handle it, time outs, etc?

FDH is trying every approach in the book with his unruly daughter. I give it to him that he's actually trying after some awesome (rolls eyes) disney Dad parenting for a while but she's very stubborn, disrespectful, and defiant. Recently diagnosed with a social disorder, possibly a personality disorder (TBD) and OCD. The approaches he uses rarely works but they aren't approaches that I am willing to take. The only thing she really responds to is a swat on the ass and while I have no problems spanking my bios if they need it I will never touch someone elses kids and he understands that as he would never touch my kids.

Time outs don't work, nothing works with her so I am looking for creative ways to discipline.

Thanks!!!

You don't discipline his

You don't discipline his daughter. If she was diagnosed with these disorders then he needs to get advice from a professional on how to deal with it and how to discipline.

You don't. His kids, his

You don't. His kids, his problems. Pour some wine and read a book.

^^^ YES!!! Or if it's a

^^^
YES!!! Or if it's a particular bad day...go make a screw driver...minus the orange juice. Did you know if you mixed cranberry juice with whipped cream flavored vodka it taste just like a cheese cake. MMmmmmm

Oh oh!! Apple cider with

Oh oh!! Apple cider with caramel vodka! BEST DRINK EVER!!!

Imma try this next skid

Imma try this next skid weekend. I love finding new drinks, that way when the skids are over and DH asks why are you having a drink I can tell him..."Well, I found this recipe and wanted to see if it's something we should serve at our next party" He's all for it then, he does love hosting bbq's.

I like it hot. It's a very

I like it hot. It's a very scientific method here lol. 3 mugs apple cider 1 mug vodka. Toss some brown sugar in it let is warm up and enjoy!!

Mmmm, that sounds good. Going

Mmmm, that sounds good. Going to a wine tasting tonight but might have to pick up some caramel vodka while I'm there.

lucky!!!

" Recently diagnosed with a

" Recently diagnosed with a social disorder, possibly a personality disorder (TBD) and OCD. "

If she's diagnosed, then this is really a question for her behavioral therapist (or whoever diagnosed her). They can give MUCH better suggestions - one's supported by research and medical literature - than we can.

I NEVER "disciplined" my skids. NEVER. Holy moly that is WAY more engagement than I EVER wanted!

I guess I could have

I guess I could have elaborated a bit. I watch SD while he works during the week, we have her 40% of the time so I need something that I can do while he's gone so she knows that she can't walk all over me. Luckily after a long road he's on board and he realizes that her behavior is shit and most of it doesn't stem from the disorders it is because neither DH nor BM did anything about her behavior.

He has an appt with SD's therapist to discuss this as well but I wanted to see what everyone else thought from a SM standpoint.

Yeah I am alone with her

Yeah I am alone with her quite a bit. A situation that is slowly changing due to my not wanting to be alone with her as much as I am trying to compromise to keep him happy and keep my sanity too.

Sadly she's 3. She hits,

Sadly she's 3. She hits, bites, calls me a bitch, this past weekend she told me to "get the fuck away from her", she is aggressive with our animals, etc. She's a terror.

He's totally on board with me disciplining her he thinks I should spank her but BM is absolutely psychotic so if I spanked her I'd be in jail for child abuse I am positive of it.

We've talked about putting her in daycare instead of me watching her but with her social disorder he's adamant that it will cause her more harm. He doesn't want to give up his days with her which I understand but I think he's slowly coming to terms that this needs to be an EOWE type of situation. It used to be pretty much 50/50 but because of how she acts I told him I couldn't watch her that much I have 2 bios that need attention too and all of my days were spent watching her like a hawk and he totally agreed so he dropped some days but it's hard to compromise. He doesn't want to turn his back on her and he is legitimately trying to get her the help she needs but this is an ongoing process. We aren't going to see results overnight with her. It's sad on all angles. Plus there is NO coparenting between DH and BM so they both sort of fly in the dark.

She's 3? Tells you to get the

She's 3? Tells you to get the fuck away from her and calls you a bitch? At 3?
She needs more help then you can give. I'm not trying to be rude but that is too much to handle on top of two children of your own that need their momma. If he's a work, he can pick her up after work and spend the time with her then. No of course he wouldn't be giving up on her, and neither are you, she's not yours to give up on.
SS9 has some disorders too. I will not watch him any more if DH isn't going to be there. He's to much for me to handle and he puts too much stress on my bios. The time spent at her dads house is for her to see her dad. If he's at work, she's not seeing her dad. Tell him to figure this out with BM and be done with it.

Is she picking up that

Is she picking up that behavior from her mom? Her mom should be the one to deal with it.

Haha!!!! Her Mom handle

Haha!!!! Her Mom handle ANYTHING? BM LOVES that SD has these issues with me. She feeds off of it and thrives off of it. She goes out of her way to make my life a living hell and now she's breeding a minion to do it for her! We're not dealing with a sane person here.

That's why you leave her with

That's why you leave her with her BM until daddy gets off work and can go and pick her up.

Why do I feel bad about that

Why do I feel bad about that option!?! I so want to tell him that but I feel bad. He's so good with my kids he really is an amazing step dad and goes out of his way and tries and I guess I feel like I should do the same. He agrees with me 100% but I sort of feel bad telling him to give up his time because I don't want to be alone with her and I don't disagree with him about her being in 2 different homes, 2 different daycare, etc that it'd be too much for her. She can barely handle going to the grocery store with out having an epic meltdown let alone dealing with all that change.

Yeah I am alone with her

Yeah I am alone with her quite a bit.

See, I just wouldn't do that. So, I got nothin'.

I was thinking this, too. I

I was thinking this, too. I just wouldn't be the nanny. BM and BD can pay to have her in day care or whatever. In my CO it clearly states that the cost of after school care, camps etc are to be split between bio parents.

I don't know about the CO here, but if it states that - they need to place her.

Besides, it would be better for her and her issues if she had some consistency in where she spent her time. Back and forth between homes is very stressful for many kids. She could be having a harder time than most.

When I was watching them it

When I was watching them it was just time out or stay in your room and take all the fun things out. I wouldn't hit someone elses child either. I soon came to the conclusion that I do not want to be left alone with his kids ever again under no circumstances..ever..never...even if that means having to claw my eyes out so I have a reason to go to the ER because they don't let kids back there in the treatment rooms. I know I checked

Hahaha! It might come to

Hahaha!

It might come to that point, not the eye clawing (although maybe a broken bone or something less blinding might be work it!!) LOL!!

I thought that was odd too. I

I thought that was odd too. I read that doctors won't diagnose anyone with a personality disorder until after they are 18. Some won't until after a person is in their 20s. And it's because they are still developing their personality so it's impossible to diagnose them with a personality disorder.

Aren't social disorders

Aren't social disorders included in the personality disorder family? I'm actually wondering about this in regards to SD14.

To my knowledge they are

To my knowledge they are separate. Personality disorders include more of the psychopath tendencies, or multiple personalities, sociopaths, etc. Obviously there are probably hundreds of them. Social disorders, to my understanding, are something that can be worked out in therapy.

No need to apologize! Like I

No need to apologize! Like I said I'm not a doctor I am just regurgitating what the doctors told him. Point blank she acts like a child with autism or aspbergers she has pretty much every single symptom but what I've read says that they don't want to label kids that young cause it will carry through their whole lives. While they can be "treated and relieved" of symptoms of a social disorder and OCD autism is a label they will have forever. 3 isn't terribly young to be diagnosed with autism. It is more common than most people think.

Right I guess that is why

Right I guess that is why they have to rule it out and it will be a very long process. I don't exactly know what kind of diagnosis tools they use for personality disorder I'm not extremely educated on the process. I sort of found the personality disorder thing weird but the social disorder and OCD with her I can definitely see.

A personality disorder really

A personality disorder really cannot be diagnosed until after age 18 as many of the symptoms are typical (or at least within the spectrum of normal) part of childhood/adolescence.

If some doctor is trying to label her with a personality disorder, her parents should get a second opinion, if not run the other direction.

An autism dx does not need to be carried around for life. From what you described it doesn't scream autism to me- maybe odd (oppositional defiant disorder) and I have no idea what you mean by a social disorder- social anxiety? social communication disorder? Social communication disorder with OCD could appear similar to autism.

Either way- I agree with those who say let dh deal with it. I would NOT babysit for a spouse of a child with severe behaviors (and I am a child behavior specialist!). Just tell him you don't feel like you can give her what she needs. There are preschools/daycare centers set up to deal with kids like her that know exactly how to handle her. She will be happier and healthier and get the support she needs.

What you CAN do is be supportive to dh and be a fun adult in her life. If she isn't behaving- ignore her and let dh deal. When she IS, lavish positive attention on her.

Thank you Orange!! I

Thank you Orange!! I appreciate the input. She displays mostly all of the autistic characteristics. Obsession, repeating, she stims to the point where she hurts herself, she rocks, head bangs, pulls her hair out, scratches herself. She makes minimal eye contact, shuts down very easily, is withdrawn, tip toe walking, can't adapt to any change in her daily schedule, etc.

I don't think the doc labeled her with personality disorder (yet) but I think he was more on the fence that it COULD be something in the future. I think the doc is concerned with her aggression her lack of empathy (which is common in aspbergers and autism), aggression, etc.

The social disorder is mostly anxiety related. She can't communicate with anyone outside of her parents for the most part. If she has to use the restroom she won't talk to me to tell me that she has to go instead she will stand in the corner and pee in her pants. Her only expressions to everyone outside of her parents (unless she's having an outburst of anger and she's swearing at us and calling us names) is mostly "yeah" or "i don't know." She doesn't have a wide vocabulary even for 3 she has minimal language skills. In a social situation she cannot function at all she will just have a complete melt down. She will not interact or speak to anyone other her mother of father. This includes her sibling and grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. I don't know what to make of it all.

Good luck! Don't feel guilty

Good luck!

Don't feel guilty if you decide to tell bf that you are not equipped to deal with sd's needs and that he needs to find alternative care. When I have told dh no about something, I find it helps if I list other ways I am willing to help out.

Think of it this way, if he is not sympathetic or takes it personally, etc- if you cannot say NO safely (I mean this as emotionally, etc- ie without repercussions) in this relationship, then it is not a healthy relationship and maybe this is a sign to move on.

Thank you! We're married

Thank you!

We're married don't know why I put FDH in the original post! Haha. He's supportive of how I feel about the situation and any compromise we come up with is always contingent on how it plays out. He has said many times he would get her every weekend instead of during the week so I wouldn't have to watch her but selfish me doesn't want her every weekend. I'd rather babysit a few times a month then have to deal with her behavior every single weekend of my life. I know that having weekends "off" is a luxury of divorced parents and I shouldn't complain, I wouldn't mind having my bios every weekend but I can't even fathom having SD every weekend.

That's manipulative of him.

What does their court order say? YOU are not a divorced parent with the "luxury" of weekends free. HE is a divorced parent with a court order for visitation. You are not a party to that court order.

I would put my foot down. I am not babysitting during the week. If you get sd every weekend (which I imagine is just a passive aggressive threat to convince you to continue that he will not follow through with) I will be spending every other weekend elsewhere.

Think of this- it is ALL THE SAME to HIM regarding his visitation if sd is with YOU for the time he is working during the week or IN DAYCARE/PRESCHOOL!!!

SS9 got diagnosed with

SS9 got diagnosed with sociopathic personality disorder traits. Since he is young the doctor said he shows several traits and want him back every few months to monitor them, but DH said at 3 he seemed like any other 3 year old.

Yes

We believe my SD14 has a personality disorder and even at her age they said it’s not something they would diagnose this early on.

They took her to 3 different

They took her to 3 different therapists. She's out of control and they thought she had autism and so that is where it all started. IMO she has aspbergers which can be diagnosed young however the new DSM-IV doesn't include aspbergers so therefore it seems like they are trying to skate around it with other diagnosis that are similar.

I have a 3 year old as well and there is a big difference between the two of them. I've never seen a child so aggressive, angry, defiant, mean, etc. It truly is sad. I know 3 year olds live in their own world of toddler land but what she does is not normal at all it is sort of terrifying. I've posted of her behaviors in the past she is really something but she is so young I feel bad for her and take pity on her situation and try to do right by her. If she was older I'd forget about it and call it a day.

I'm not saying she can't be

I'm not saying she can't be diagnosed with a form of mental disorder. I'm strictly talking about personality disorders.

BM has a slew of mental

BM has a slew of mental health disorders herself. Bi-polar, depresssion, etc.

She's also bat shit crazy and feeds that to both of her daughters only one is DH's. Which is why SD says the shit to me that she does. She doesn't know what she's saying she is repeating BM.

And ours is more stable. We

And ours is more stable. We own our home, make a decent living, my kids are happy and healthy, good school district...

However BM lives in Section 8 housing and lives off the government. Lovely isn't it?

We've went to court for custody and it's too hard to take a kid from their Mom.

Haha it does sound

Haha it does sound wonderful!!!

Like I said I'm just trying to compromise. I want him to be happy and I want her to be productive. I don't want to see her fall through the cracks of life because nobody cared enough to try to straighten her out. While I don't really care for her, I'm not evil so I do what to see her through this.

ANd No i'm in my 30's. 20's sound nice though!!! haha

I just looked this up. It

I just looked this up. It actually is pretty accurate of her symptoms. I will bring this up to DH so he can discuss it with her therapists. Thanks!!

I could go on and on. Her

I could go on and on. Her life has been miserable. DH was trying to get out of their relationship. Stupidly he had sex with her and she had stopped taking her birth control and trapped him into a pregnancy. Stupid on him I know. They were never married. After she was born they physically separated he didn't even try to make it work with her. I don't blame him.

BM is absolutely crazy. I have a no contact order against her for threatening me and harassing me for over a year. She can't hold a conversation with DH without it turning into a huge thing. SHe makes up lies about herself and SD to get his attention (ie: SD is in the hospital COME QUICK!!) turns out she never was, etc. She does this a lot.

I've never seen her parent but from the stories I have been told from DH and from others she is a terrible parent. She has another daughter from a previous relationship. Shes the parent to turn the TV on and the kid entertains themselves. SD doesn't know how to play with toys or others. If the TV is on she literally cannot look away. She is content sitting on the couch and she has to be forced to get down any play.

DH had full custody of her for quite some time until his nanny moved away and he couldn't find a suitable replacement quick enough and made another mistake of giving SD to BM while he was searching and in the meantime BM was granted primary physical custody. I was his girlfriend at this point and we were still in the dating phase so I wasn't too involved during those times.

DH is a recovering Disney Dad but he's there for his kids. I can't always say the best thing about his parenting but he does right by them. Now that he realizes he royally screwed up with her he's trying to make and implement changes but it's not going to happen overnight for any of us.

There were rare (and I mean

There were rare (and I mean VERY rare) occasions where I would get in SS's face if I was present and witnessed him being disrespectful to his mother. Usually one blast of "OYE! Do as your mother asks or you will be dealing with me!" is enough to get him in line.

I also avoid being alone with SD. I don't like it. It puts too much pressure on me.

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How do you discipline your skids?