DH and BM share a joint checking account
First off -- this isn't something that I'm comfortable with. I've talked with DH about this repeatedly and he's just not moving forward on it. I should probably start with the fact that we have 50/50 custody of SS/SK6. DH and BM have been split since the twins were 2 and there are no CS orders between them. (BM makes a considerable amount more than us, actually.)
He and BM continue to share a checking account for child expenses. It's the same account they held together when they were married. These days DH drops funds for the SKs random expenses in there and BM uses it as a petty cash account. The checking account ledger for the account is full of triple lattes, sticky buns, and checks she deposits before transferring them to her personal account. Example: DH deposits money for his half of weekly piano lessons, prescription, etc. -- BM uses those funds for personal expenses. Even if BM owes DH money, she just tells DH to take it out of the weekly piano lessons they both share. As a result, DH is always depositing and she's always spending.
I've asked DH to find another way to share expenses with BM that doesn't include a joint checking account. It makes me uncomfortable that they continue to share a joint asset like a checking account. I think it makes it worse that she's using the account for petty expenses because we see how/when she's spending that money.
My problem is this:
1) My husband contiues to share a joint checking account with his ex wife and that feels weird;
2) We are privy to her personal expenses and that seems out of place for us in our marriage;
3) There are other means to cover child expenses that don't have to include a joint checking account;
4) BM wants a debit card to make the petty expenses more accessible;
5) When DH asked about the checks she was depositing into the account (one of which was obviously from the sale of wedding/engagement ring from her marriage with DH), she told him that her deposits into the account were "none of his business," and
6) She doesn't want to change how expenses are handled so DH doesn't want to rock the boat by retiring the account for good.
So, what do you think? Is it okay for DH and BM to share a joint checking account? Am I off my rocker for wanting to find another way to cover expenses? I would prefer to just wire funds since electronic banking is convenient but it won't put any of us in a position to have to look at BM's personal spending/depositing habits because it's not our business.
Thanks!
There's no CS between them.
There's no CS between them. That's not to say that BM hasn't tried to obtain CS and primary custody... But no, there's no CS and, to be honest, it's best that way. We do fine without it.
BM had a card to one of DHs
BM had a card to one of DHs account. He would only put in what she needed to buy SS at the time. Never stopped her for using it for herself. I think it happened maybe once after I started dating DH and I told him to close that crap because if she overdrew guess who had to pay the fee? If the balance is below the bank minumum....Yep that's another fee. Besides the banking aspects of it, there's no way to prove your DH is depositing what into that account. It's just going to read that there was a deposit. What happens when BM turns psycho takes yall to court and says your DH hasn't been paying his half? That's why checks have a memo line. Made to the order of: B-f-in-M, memo: 1/2 piano lessons. I understand not rocking the boat but you're going to bf screwed if he can't prove that his deposits in that account are for his half off his kids things. Pshh If he can't even close his joint account with his ex then you need to bail. He's being dumb voluntarily.
I agree with you. I don't get
I agree with you. I don't get why this matters. Don't look for things to get upset about and you probably won't find them.
Seriously? A divorced couple
Seriously? A divorced couple with a joint checking account. That is not 'parenting'. That is merely the financial workings of two divorced people.
How awkward it must be for the BM to carry around a check book with 'Joe and Suzy Smith' on it. Probably why she suddenly wants a debit card. I hope the OP's name isn't Suzy too.
Do you really honestly believe not having a joint checking account that BM uses as petty cash for lattes and sticky buns really well make or break the way the DH/BM raise their child aka 'parent' their kid?
Wow, this is crazy. If they
Wow, this is crazy. If they are both at the same bank (and they obviously are), it is usually very easy to do a transfer to another account online even on a smart phone or by calling their phone banking number. It is no harder for your husband to transfer money to an account in BM's name only than it is to transfer it to their joint account. Also, there is no need for BM to get a new account if she doesn't want to, she can continue functioning exactly as she does now just that the account will be in her name solely and her ex doesn't see what she is doing with the account, which she claims is none of his business anyway.
I just want to check, are you legally married to your husband? Have you seen their divorce decree? This sounds like a situation where they haven't been long separated and sorted their finances separately. Not trying to offend, just want to check that you aren't being fooled.
I would be very worried about your credit score (as well as your husbands) with joint accounts your details can be linked and I think it can affect your credit score. So he would be affected by hers you (if you have joint finances with him in anyway) would be affected by his.
What she spends the money wouldn't bother me so much as long as she is paying for the things that she asks for the money for from her other accounts.
If you are concerned about him giving too much money to BM, I would put that concern on the back burner right now and just persuade him to get his name off that account anyway he can, this should be his number 1 priority. He has no excuses. This is one of those situations where I would be making sure his life at home is more hellish than any sort of drama BM could cause as a result of him taking his name off the account.
Sorry if I didn't make myself
Sorry if I didn't make myself clear. Must be the shock that they (BM and DH) do this and that SM married a man without getting their finances in order first.
1. They share an account at a bank. So they must both be customers of the same bank. Thinking about it they may not have other accounts at that bank and that was my assumption, but it is rare that people change banks (the statistics are that people change spouses more frequently than they change banks) so I think that it is a safe assumption.
2. I don't know the situation where the OP lives, but where I am from credit scores between individuals that have joint financial products are linked and one can be affected by the other. So if one spouse is in severe debt that will adversely affect the credit score of the other should they have joint finances. Yes it does sound crazy but it isn't far fetched depending on where you are from.
if your spouse has a low
if your spouse has a low credit score it can affect the rates, etc. you can be eligible for relative to any joint loans (cars, mortgages, etc.)
no way in HELL would my fiance ever want his name on teh same accounts as BM - she is nortorious for running up debts, not paying on time, etc.
Lattes and sticky buns? Too
Lattes and sticky buns? Too funny. I can't imagine being all angered up over what the lady spend the cash on. It doesn't matter. She paid the lesson teacher in full and then reimbursed herself from this account. Be glad you're not being horrified at a month's worth of statements detailing what sexy undies she buys.
But to the point. I do see why your DH and BM see no problem with how they've been doing this. It's worked for them and it's very easy as it's what they are use to. Not so you. It bothers you that your DH's name remains on an account with his former wife and that it is actually the account they shared while married. I 'get' that too. I'm sure it rather feels like WTF? Why does my husband need an account with his former lover and that somehow it just seems like they are still together.
Forget the lattes and sticky buns. Forget she pisses you off with the odd deposits being none of your business. Talk to DH and tell him how uncomfortable the whole account makes you feel and that you don't want him having an account with his ex-wife regardless of how innocent the account actually is or how well it works for them. It doesn't work for you. He can write out a check every month made out to BM and send it to her. She can put it in any account of her own or just cash in for cash in her pocket. She can get a debit card for her own account if she wants a debit card. Bottomline is simply that there is no reason for this account to exist, you're uncomfortable with it and he needs to respect your wishes in this as your husband and take his name off the thing.
He can go to the bank and
He can go to the bank and remove his name from the account and start making check deposits as other forum members have already stated., which clearly show on the memo what funds deposited are intended for.
My SO had a joint bank account with BM when I met him, and I let him know, "I understand you haven't had a reason to separate this but if you don't make progress to remove her from all your stuff. I am going to interpret it as you willing wanting to have unnecessary ties with her. I don't wanna be with someone who can't cut ties from a relationship, it leaves no room for us, flat out said I'll leave you and you can try to reconcile with someone your actions show you want in your life"...
I told him it's all about him setting and enforcing boundaries with the BM. Thanks to reading on here ppl's personal experiences I began my crusade of training BM. I'm just very candid with the fact that I love him but he chose to marry and procreate with her, if he doesn't follow my suggestions he loses his right to have me be his support. He has made changes to how he communicates and responds to her, anything none kid related gets ignored. There is hope but men can't read minds and how you both see current situation could be different.
Good luck! BM signed off her rights to the account and now it's just his.
It personally wouldn't bother
It personally wouldn't bother me a bit, but if it bothers you, have him get a prepaid debit card for her, and he can deposit money onto it but not see account activity, etc.
Or I guess, have her get the card and give him the acct and routing number, because most are capable of direct deposit, and other than that, just have him take his name off the account or absolutely stop using it.
The OP says mom's income is
The OP says mom's income is higher than dad's. If CS were ordered(and custody remained the same) mom would be the one paying.
He can go to the bank and
He can go to the bank and remove his name from the account
More than likely, she will also have to agree to have his name removed from the account. When my DH tried to get his name of off his joint account with BM, the bank would not do it without her consent, also. He did not use the account and he was worried about her bouncing checks and him being liable so he definitely wanted his name off of it.
OP, taking your DH's name off of the account does not need to change how expenses are handled, he can still deposit his share of expenses into that same account, so "retiring" the account is not necessary. If BM will not take his name off of it, I would wonder why because there is no good reason for his name to be on it since he does not withdraw from it.
Oh hell no...They are still
Oh hell no...They are still married. You are just the one having sex with him.
He needs to close the account. We had no CS and 50/50 for a long time. If BM signed a kid for an activity she paid for it. If DH, did he paid. The ortho they worked it that one paid for one kid and one paid for the other. The only time a check was handed off was for medical expenses that they split, but eventually that went away as one paid for one and one for the other. They even had the taxes done the same way.
I am telling you this is one I would fall down on my sword on. This can affect his credit rating and that is a no brainer for me.
My concern is why are you allowing it?
There is some things to
There is some things to consider first. Legally, since it is a joint account then there is really no proof that he is depositing money into that account for child expenses. At this point in time if he decides to close the account and make payments to her by personal check she could go after him for back child support and sadly the moms usually win that one. I don't mean to be insulting but your DH didn't think this one through very well. In any case which CS payments have to be made, it is actually better to have an order. That way the father is protected as much as the child. Back CS...they can garnish his wages, his tax returns, etc.
I completely agree that the two of them sharing an account is wrong and I can only imagine how bad it makes you feel. But since this has been going on for quite some time it could be very tricky to get out of it. Contact a lawyer, and if your DH just refuses to close a joint account with his ex wife, I'd be out the door.
What would bother me the most
What would bother me the most is to know that they have other things in common other than the children. I guess its mainly the jealousy of knowing he shares something with her...when it should only be the children.
this is a tax nightmare in
this is a tax nightmare in the making.
To be honest, I don't really
To be honest, I don't really care how BM is spending her money. The earlier posters were right -- they're both meeting their parental obligations and if BM wants to reimburse herself with a sugary beverage, so be it. The only reason I pointed out the lattes and sticky buns was because the ledger is full of them. (Also, I thought it sort of funny that she buys so many damn lattes and I thought those reading this post may find it humorous, as well.)
Sometimes it's funny that we can see her personal spending habits but most of the time I feel it's not our business how she's spending her money. I think that it makes her a part of our lives in a way that she shouldn't be. The thing that really started bothering me was the strange deposits into that account and the name-change stuff where she was using DH's last name despite having changed her name years ago. It's my last name and it just made me uncomfortable that she was still using it. Maybe that's shallow, but she's remarried, she's not using DH's last name on anything else, and it just didn't seem right that she was using it anymore. Can't help it, but it does make me feel a little territorial.
The sale of her wedding/engagement ring from her marriage with DH seemed a little inappropriate to have in the account. The bank we use shows a miniature digital scan of any check that's deposited on the ledger so it was pretty obvious without even looking into it. When thousands of dollars suddenly show up in an account, we notice... She also deposits and buys things with that account that she doesn't want her husband to know about. This month she purchased a number of Christmas gifts for her husband with the account.
I get the method she's using and it's something that I employ for my own finances. If I want to purchase something that I don't want DH to know about (like an X-mas gift), I will use an account we don't share -- in this case, my personal checking account that's titled in my name solely. I can see the advantages and disadvantages to the account -- but nonetheless, it just feels weird and sorta wrong that they keep the account. DH and I have a joint account but we use it just for transferring funds between each other for bills and other expenses. There are no specific purchases made from the account, only transfers between our personal accounts.
Again, I won't disagree that she can spend her money however she feels fit but I just don't think it's any of our business. I suppose I go back and forth on deciding whether or not I'm being shallow about this but I don't think it's my husband's business how his ex-wife is spending her money, either. It would be just as easy for him to electronically transfer funds for the piano lessons, prescriptions, etc. He would still have an electronic record of all the funds he transferred and a memo line outlining the purpose of the transfer and there would be no reason for us to see how BM spends her money.
Also, in response to some of the other posters:
1) There is no CS order between DH and BM. Were there to be, BM would be paying us CS. I won't dive into the reasons she's not paying us CS but it's better that she doesn't;
2) BM actually does have a history of financial problems despite making more money than us -- she's declared bankruptcy once and her credit stinks because of poor spending habits; and
3) It's hard to push DH on rocking the boat with BM because she's, well, she's nightmare when she's angry and I'm sure many of you have a background in how hard it is to deal with an angry BM.
But what reason would she
But what reason would she have to be angry that he wants his name taken off of the account? He can still put money in it, just like he's doing now. There is NO legitimate reason for his name to be on that account.
And if she has money issues, all the more reason to get his name off of it.
Again, why would she object? You and your DH would no longer be privy to her spending and depositing (which, as she says, is none of your business) so why would she not want to take his name off?
I agree. My DH is a very
I agree.
My DH is a very nice, laid back guy. BM, on the other hand, is a total bitch who thinks she has complete control over the men in her life. Including getting them to come back to her whenever she beckons.
She would not go to the bank and tell them to take DH's name off of their joint checking account (it kept them a couple, in her mind). He never even used the damn account, BM controlled all of the money. But he wanted his name off of it because, well, they weren't together anymore and he didn't trust her to not bounce checks and make him liable.
He finally got pissed and told her, "I'm going to call the bank at the end of the day and if you have not taken my name off of that account, I'm taking every penny out and there's not a thing you can do about it." Click.
She knew he was serious. His name was off of it by the end of that day.
At some point, BMs like this just have to be shown that there's only so much you will put up with. Otherwise, it just never stops.
My MBA and risk management
My MBA and risk management consultant brain is going apeshit over this situation. There are just way too many things that can get out of control in a hurry in this situation. A joint account that could go overdrawn if BM decides to get stupid sticking your DH with OD fees and a huge risk to hits on his credit score being not the smallest risks. Since this is a long standing joint account it would also be difficult for DH to prove that his deposits to the account are for support of the kids. He needs to back off from this and establish a paper trail clearly showing his contribution to supporting the Skids and what his contributions are for.
Your DH needs to either close this account immediately or have his name removed from it completely. With online bill pay and money transfers these days he can get BM money in a hurry if he feels so compelled to do so in order to support his kid without sharing an account with her. These transfers can be clearly noted as to what they are for.
However, if she is going to give him a view of her management or mismanagement of funds as the case may be then DH needs to be capturing copies of the records for future contingencies particularly if she is not managing HIS CS money appropriately.
Were I your DH I would completely separate myself from this risky situation ASAP.
i dont care if dh is giving
i dont care if dh is giving child support but this brings up all sorts of tax and legal issues.