Am I Wrong to Retreat? Battles with Teenage Stepdaughter
My husband I raised SD since she was 1, along with her bio-mom. She is now 17. Her mother has tried to be her "friend" for years, instilling virtually no discipline, structure or rules. Her father has typical divorce guilt and too much money, so he gives her whatever she wants rather than think about the impact on the child. We raised an irresponsible, spoiled brat who has gotten smarter and older and can now easily manipulate her parents even after we have all or I have said no or have meted out a withdrawal of a privilege that meets the crime (i.e. lying about whereabouts gets car taken away; i.e. throwing a screaming fit gets phone taken away).
Her boyfriend hates his mother, so in a show of camraderie, she has aimed her sights on me. No matter what guidelines (umm, basic stuff like pick up your room, treat others with respect, don't sit on the phone at the dinner table, don't lie about where you are) we instill at our house, she manages to flaunt and break them and her father just looks the other way, or initially agrees with an appropriate consequences until she manipulates him to get her car, phone or whatever she needs.
I have had too many fights with my husband. The stress is ruining my marriage. I also have a 4 year old son to whom my husband is a better and more attentive father, in that he now seems to understand that the mistakes he/we made early on should not be made with this young one.
I have decided to just "withdraw" from parenting this teenager. She, nor her parents, apprecaite my time or love (it was me that put together her sweet 16, helped her buy her car, saved ALL the money for her college), and I am constantly undermined. If my husband and I agree that she should lose a privilege, I can go to the store and find that 15 minutes later he has handed her back everything. SO, that makes me the bad guy.
From now on, if I am asked for anything, my response will be "go ask your dad." I am too emotionally drained, undermined and sad to engage in battle or to think about what is in her best interests anymore. She has two parents whose primary responsibility is to parent her. She is not into drugs or dangerous behavior, so she will work it all out eventually. While she might suck out some money from this family, it will not be enough to impact me or my son, so why should I care so much?
Someday, when she matures, she will realize what kind of investement I made in terms of love, time and money. Until them, I QUIT!!!
You Are Me!!!
Our circumstances are so similar. I dont have any boilogical kids with DH but I do have a son and daughter. The kids are all within three years of each other and we have been together for ten years (married for six).
But the relationship you describe between your DH, SD and BM is identicle to the situation that existed for too many years within my own family. Unfortunately, the last three years have been a cloud of depression and crisis after crisis. As I type this, my SD is sitting in a Youth Detention Facility. She is sixteen years old.
The saving grace thru all this has been my DH. He was more than willing to get counselling with me. Although the journey has been long and extremely difficult the two of us at least seem to be on the same page. We have both been changed thru this whole process (thank God).
I have done the same thing as you and have completely withdrawn from my SDs life. She has alot of sh*t to work out with her parents and herself before we ever have a shot at a relationship. That is just the sad reality of the situation.
I think that for a withdrawal like that to work, you need some counselling so you and DH are able to communicate with each other. This situation will just sit like a ball of lead in the pit of your stomache if you are not able to express yourself. This is a situation that is constantly evolving as people and circustances change and as such needs open honest communication.
I wish you all the luck in the world...
KeeKee
Hello
You sound like a wonderful step mom and you are not wrong in how you feel or how you are handling this.
It kills me to see even my sk do this stuff..
It is however wrong of your husband. In which case may cause some resentment from you down the road with the four year old. I say this because he is going to be harder on him and you will get angry (maybe) because you will be thinking or saying so how come you can be this way with him but not your daughter. I mean I can understand the learning from your mistakes but to the point of the daughter getting her way all the time and stuff. He is not teaching her to become a Responsible Independent Woman.. In my opinion.
I would be like you, go to your dad and soeday after you say this for awhile she may come to you and ask "why" and I hope she does so you can nicely tell her.. Speak your mind so to speak..
Best of luck to you..
I hope it all works itself out for you..
happy
Why is it...
that most of our stories are the same?? Yes there are exceptions, but the vast majority are Wacko BMs and Guilt-Ridden DHs and out of control SDs or lazy SSs?
DH and I are in co parenting counseling and in our first visit he states that I make him feel like he is parenting wrong. HELLO---- do nothing, giving in and even hiding from me that you have caved in on the discipline is doing it WRONG !!!!
Hang in there one more year to go.. and then she can live with BM!!
That is a very good question...
Why are so many people just not raising their kids? Were parents in the 50's so strict that the pendulum has swung the other way? I know our bm's mother did drugs in the 70's, and didn't raise her kids, the last father she was with raised all 4 of her kids, and he was only the biodad of the youngest. That is why our bm is all screwed up...just wish I had an answer to fix the problem!
I think it was the changing
I think it was the changing of the the view that children in their own way needed to contribute to the well being of the family. Back in the day, kids helped out around the house in meaningful ways. Now we have had this complete 180 degree turn where children are expected to give nothing, but feel entitled to dictate and take. parents have become their servants. I see this in kids from non divorced families. I think divorce just intensifies this situation. Kids already feel entitled and demanding and the ensuing parental divorce guilt gives them leeway to increase the bad behavior.
The answer could be guilt
Candace, I think that divorced parents feel guilty regardless of why they are divorced. My husband who is an intelligent caring and responsible guy has managed to raise an irresponsible selfish drama queen! There were no limits consistenly imposed on this kid. No chores, no accountability. Now, at 24, with 6 years of college and no degree and my husband doesn't know or won't tell me how many more years of college she needs to graduate. I think the answer is that divorced parents need to work together to raise their child, stop using the child as a pawn and stop competing for the affections of their child.
Amen!
All I can say is AMEN to that !!!
Thanks And I Need to Watch Out For the Little One Too
Thanks everyone. Of course, now I am more in tune with the permissiveness o my husband and making me the bad guy even with my own child. Yesterday, my 4 year old did not get a special treat (watching a bit of a movie after breakfast while I get ready for work and to take him to school) because he did not brush his teeth and then fibbed that he had. So, easy, consequence, no bit of that movie today before school. He is very resilient, so I know on him it will have the desired effect -- i.e. next day, he just does his duties. My husband watched the whole thing and the minute I walked away, told son he could watch a movie in his car on the way to school. I explained to my husband the effect of what he was doing (making me the bady guy again and not lettting son appreciate consequences for actions), who disagreed until we asked son why he was not going to get to watch a movie at home, i.e. b/c he lied and did not brush his teeth. Kid could only focus onthe fact that he was going to get to watch the movie in the car! Husband now gets it. Hopefully, this will last.
Parenting is not that hard. Parenting with another is the hard part!!! Maybe it is not just the stepdaughter, but also my husband. Sounds like we need to make a counseling appointment!
As for the stepdaughter, I have begun to feel very liberated, saying "I am sure you will make all the right decisions!" It is starting to be my mantra. I can almost chant it and it is starting to make me happy. She has not been around for two weeks and my house has been wonderfully peaceful!
As for Glynne, I worry that my future is a mooching kid with no degree and no job (she has had 3 jobs we helped her get and abandoned each one without even quitting), but she will have no bedroom in my house unless she is gainfully employed and paying expenses!
help with step daughter
I have a very precious 16 year old in my life that I truly love more than the world. Her dad and I have been best friends for several years and I have grown to become like her step mother. As a matter of fact she refers to me as her future step mom. Anyway recently in past few months she has begun to have problems. Actually I think it began before. She was living with her mother in another city in same state but begged and pleaded to come live with her daddy. Finally last year she did. All was well then slowly things started to go awry. In the last few months they have just gone down hill and fast. She wouldn't go to school, became defiant, and a totally different kid. At first we thought the usual drugs but had her tested and she is clean and continue to. THen a couple of weeks ago she had a melt down of sorts. Started saying things about putting bullets in her head and the only time she is truly happy is when she is hanging out with her friends. Naturally took her to doctor and they admitted her. Her mother managed to get her out and was able to take her home with her with stipulations. One of which was she has to see a doctor every day for at least 2 weeks 2 hrs a day. She did and seemed to be starting to be better, a little. They put her on meds and everything. She came home yesterday and all was well till last night she got into it with her dad when he once again put his foot down and she flipped out. She grabbed her stuff and left. Went to the friends house that she had been hanging with. The problem is she turns 17 in Sept and in texas that's legal to move out. What do I do.
Let her go
she thinks she can do it on her own, let her figure out how life really is. Its not all its cracked up to be. She has to learn on her own, its hard and sad to watch them go but there is nothing you can do to stop her. so let her live and learn.. Trust me she will learn really quick.. Sorry your going thru this, but sometimes tough love is the answer..
Happy
"live life to its fullest everyday"
What caused the behavior
Do you know what was the cause of the behavior? Did something happen at school or home or with a friend? My SD's behavior started turning bad around 13ish and we later found out that BM told SD that DH had given BM a STD and that was the reason they divorced! Complete Lie! And it caused a terrible turnaround in behavior with SD - we found this out when she was about 18.
I'd keep counseling as a mandatory requirement for perks (car, cell phone, etc while she is still under 17 and after 17, if she wants to live with you she must continue counseling.
Good luck!!
Glynne
Different expectations
Step--I know where you are coming from. You are wise to disengage. In my case the SD (then 17) insisted I was the problem, and when I disengaged I was STILL the problem. There is no "win" here. Disengaging saved my sanity. SD17's problems were staring her in the mirror each afternoon when she got out of bed.
For a while in our home it seemed there were two families. My DH's kids were raised with little to no expectations in terms of their behavior, so they acted like rude, disrespectful farm animals and thought that was OK. DH thought that was OK too. I raised my daughter with much higher standards--homework shall be done, good grades are expected, eat with manners, be respectful, and so on.
My daughter (10 at the time) immediately noticed that the rules were different for the older teen farm animals. She was amazed that people could act that way. At first I tried to deflect her questions about why they could be so rude with no consequences etc., but as time went on their behavior got so bad I just decided to be honest with her.
I had to 'fess up to my 10 year old that DH's teen kids were losers who didn't respect themselves or anyone else. They blew off high school, took drugs, didn't care about college, and had no future beyond fast food. She turned to me and said, "I don't want to be a loser like them. I want to do well and go to college!"
BD is now 12, and doing extermely well. Interestingly, DH has higher standards for my daughter than he ever had for his own kids (please understand that's not saying very much at all
).
The sad part is that he realizes now how badly he and their BM screwed up by raising their kids with no standards. He wishes it were different, but now has to deal with a pack of very dysfunctional adult farm animals that don't understand the basics of human decency.
I hope your SD gets her head out of her a$$ in enough time to realize how good you have been to her. In the meantime, concentrate on the people in your life who reciprocate your love and affection. They are what counts!
But what if you do
But what if you do "disengage" but still let DH know about the fucktardiness of what their kid is doing? Does one do that or just let the asshole(s) run amok and break the rules of the house and still do shit that their parent told them not to do.
Of all days that I need to speak with my individual counselor, and I really need to vent to him because I am truly feeling dark, he cancels our appointment.
Fuck. My. Life.
Retreat and take care of you
Retreat, disengage and keep doing what you are doing (telling her to 'ask her dad'). I should have done this much sooner with mine. You are doing all of the right things, in my opinion;)
She loses out because of the dad?
It is a shame you are having to distance yourself from your SD as really you are the only person in her life that could have a positive influence on her. I can fully understand your stress in the situation, my BF spoils his two teenage daughters and the older one in particular is a brat. The only way BF seems to listen to me is if I give him the cold shoulder / brush off / disappear etc he takes no notice if I just talk rationally.
There's a Lot of "US" out there with you!
Hi 'Step.." I think you can see from the responses that there's a lot of us Stepmoms who are in the same, sad boat with you- struggling with these difficult situations, wondering to ourselves, "Where did my happy family go?"
My DH and I have been married for almost 4 yrs and have 5 teens total! My 2 boys (14 and 18) are pretty easy-going and live with us FT. But his 3 girls (13, 16 and 17) carry A LOT of baggage, are constant high-drama, and have and a CRAZY biomom who continues to put us and them through the ringer, so much so that the oldest SD has lived with us since April 07 because she just couldn't take her BMs emotional abuse anymore. But the middle SD (16) is affected the most from her mother, and because of it, I had to totally 'retreat' from her as well. She, unfortunately, is turning into a horrible little version of her mother, with no morals, no ethics, and no integrity. She treats her father and her sisters horribly. She lies and plots to get what she wants and, when caught red-handed, tells us she doesn't care that she lied to us- she'll do what she needs to to get what she wants. And her justification? Her mom does it all the time and SHE never gets in trouble for it!
I used to try to teach her and guide her, but to no avail- she does not want to learn any lessons from me. So for my own sanity, I told my DH I had to just stop. I told him I would still make her meals and pick her up from places if she needed to be taken somewhere, but other than that, I have NO emotional attachment to this child. And although it was hard for me in the beginning (and very hard for my DH to watch), it has gotten much easier over time. I'm not mean to her (unless she's outwardly disrespectful to my DH or I, then I will respectfully put her in her place and remind her that she is not allowed to speak to the adults in the house that way), but other than that, it's like she's not there.
I know it's a sad situation, but it has saved me a lot of heartache. This child is headed for a very sad life, but it's one of her choosing, and I can't watch it. So instead I concentrate my efforts on the children I CAN have an impact on- the other four. My DH says he understands,but that because he's the father, he still has a moral obligation to still at least try to teach her and make the effort- even though she might not want to learn the lessons. But as the stepmother, I do not share that same responsibility.
Good luck to you.
Hell Yes
I have a fab relationship with my DH,and two gorgeous BD's 4 and 6, but my SS19 and SD17 are just horrible. Raised with absolutely no rules or limits cos DH was terrified they would leave him and move to Spain to be with their BM. SS19 moved out to go to university 2 years ago, needless to say dropped out, as he has absolutely NO self discipline, I had to put my foot down and say there was NO WAY he was moving back in.
This weekend we have had a massive showdown with SD17, she seems to think its ok to have her BF stay over at ours every night without asking, or she stay at his and turn up at 7.30am with no phone call or contact, she is constantly disrespective/abusive to her dad, and left us with hundreds of pounds in phone bills she refused to pay, not because she couldn't, she just 'didn't want to' in the middle of last week we got a call from the local housing office saying she was there saying she'd been thrown out! so we said no, she hadn't. This obviously spoiled all her plans so she was EVIL after that, slamming doors, throwing her dirty laundry out of her door and leaving it there etc. So DH finally had enough and put two (large) suitcases in her room and told her to leave - it really was unbearable. She slammed out, swearing and screaming. A few hours later I was going to bed and heard her TV on in her room - I thought it must have been left on when she stomped out, but no - SD17 and her BF were lying in bed watching TV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Argghhhhh!!!!!!!
Sorry to say, for the first time in 4 years of her living with us FT, I completely lost it. I can't even remember what I said I saw so much red.
She came back the next day to collect some stuff - me and my BDs were out - and we've not heard from her since.
I really don't know how to feel. The house is so lovely and peaceful, and I feel like its my own home for the first time in years, but my DH is so upset, she is his daughter after all.
BUT I also feel that if he had got a clue and parented properly (He's a great dad to my two) we just wouldn't have had so much heartache and trouble - so its really hard to sympathize??
I would NEVER EVER be a step mother again - not for anything.
thanks for this site and letting me vent!
Well, I have been married
Well, I have been married for 8 years and we have always had SD13. SD13 sees her mom on w/e. DH has always had custody. BM allows SD13 to do whatever she wants at her house. We recently found out she was smoking weed with her cousin at BM's house. She at 12 was climbing out our window to go to a boys house in the middle of the night. No matter what we say to her to encourage her or discipline her she has no regard for what we say and does what she wants. She is mean to our 3 children. We have homeschooled her because her own lies got her in trouble with kids at school, but she has no appreciation. This last February my husband finally decided to back me, he takes her to work with him and she does her school work at night, but she continues to do what she wants. We have always been there for her and he has coached team sports for her, but in everything she does not are. She steals make-up, cameras, cell, phones from both sides, but her BM does not discipline her. I am so angry that I can't even look at her. Everytime we turn around it is something worse than before. Our own 3 children see her receiving negative attention and I am afraid that they will begin to act out so they can get the attention. i want her to go live with her BM, but my husband says that she will just end up pregnant /or on drugs. She is trying to now. Help!!!
steptoateengirl: I can relate
steptoateengirl:
I can relate 100% and I am where you are as well except for me its a 17 ss.
Anything I do or say is ignored by him, in fact its so bad now he wont look at me, talk to me, or be in the same room as me, which is just insane, if I come in the kitchen and he is there he will run off and come back later ...
I truly feel like a have the plague or something :?
So I just cannot emotionally invest anymore I cant do it. I have 3 skids. 1 I have a so so relationship with (20 and at college), 19sd (pregnant, jobless, refuses to go to school and lives with her mother and her family cause we kicked her out). At this point I have tried to be a good parent to my ss, he has many freedoms, but refuses to do anything that might help me in some way. He never comes home unless my husband is home. He steals my stuff, I have even caught him spitting on my toothbrush!!! I now carry EVERYTHING with me or lock it up.
My husband isnt much help, he says he tries to talk to him, but he never reprimands him or gives him consequences, so I figured if I want to stay with my husband I have to do what I have to do. And I tell myself only this year before he leaves for college and I will make sure when he is out of college he can stay with his mother not here.
It really broke my heart and cause many fights with my husband but after almost a year now I cant do it anymore, I still get mad but I remember I have one responsibility and thats gives my daughter the best life possible regardless of spoiled skids.
Eventually you cant let the anger and frustration rule you its not pretty I been there
So now I make no decision when it concerns him I dont even ask anymore which is kinda sad. I hope you can fix things and dont end up where I am
You are a great Step-Mom no
You are a great Step-Mom no doubt! you are correct in wanting to retreat & I would do the same. Just try and focus on your son and with any luck the Stepkid will be out of the house soon. (god willing) I have a teen stepd and she has wanted to move in w us to escape her Mom-who is ok but a bit strict and she thinks living w us would be Disneyland! bc she only comes for Summer visits and vacation time. It would destroy my marriage I'm sure-bc she is having issues at home w behavior, and also school stuff. So just move on and do "you" and don;t worry too much good luck!
Forced emancipation. Time to
Forced emancipation. Time to get rid of this toxic Skidiot and eliminate the distraction from focusing on your young son.
Have DH give his toxic spawn clarity that she pulls her head out of her ass or he files to force emancipation. A good friend of mine was able to force emancipation on his 17yo daughter and remove her toxic influence from the home and other non toxic kids.
Good luck.