Welcome, I hope you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute, and pick up useful advice from others who are living the blended family dream.

As a Step Dad I understand the frustration you are experiencing as it pertains to your ill-behaved SD and your wife's inept parenting. Rather than abdicate your position in your marriage, home, and family and admitting defeat regarding parenting and holding SD accountable I suggest that you put your foot down and give your DW the message that she has a choice. Step up, parent, and discipline SD before you have to or bite her tongue while you deal with it. DW needs the clear message that from now on there is zero tolerance for SD's inappropriate behaviors. She also needs the message that her tolerance and petty arguing with you regarding the SD behavioral situation is an abdication not only of her parental and disciplinary duties to raise SD to be a well behaved child and ultimately a viable adult but she is also abdicating her responsibilities to your son to demonstrate that she will hold his big sister accountable and set the example of an effective mother.

My wife and I had a few struggles regarding parenting and discipline of SS-22 until I put my foot down and gave her the message to step up and parent before I had to or be quiet and let me handle it. Her choice. We married the week before SS turned 2yo.

Last summer we celebrated our 20th with a vow renewal officiated by SS-22. He and I are very close, he and his mom and close, and the three of us are very close as a family. Raising him to viable self supporting adulthood was possible because neither my wife nor I abdicated our positions as spouses, parents, or examples and we did not tolerate anything but acceptable behavior from him.

It worked for us.

One thing is for sure. You need to immediately stop the text battle. Face to face, work it out. Be confident, firm yet flexible, and .... PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN!!!!!

Good luck.

You need to sit down with your wife. My step dad was the disciplinary in my house and we get on great now. He put his foot down hard with me and I was a handful. Maybe not at 7 but in my teens I was hell. So you need to sit down with your wife and discuss, she needs to back you up with the discipline.
Otherwise an option is disengagement, that is a last resort try different avenues before this.
Good luck

I think a lot of the issues are that there are no ground rules or boundaries here... The divorce agreement calls out the arrangements. My BF's ex is a complete horror story. She broke the rules all the time - she is supposed to meet my BF at a mid way point to do the skid swap, and she just refused to do it. My BF started driving all the way to her house to pick him and and take him back... That's about 150 miles round trip and was screwing with MY life. So I put an end to that. If she doesn't bring him then go to the meeting spot and call the cops and file a report. Get a nice big stack of 'em. You don't see your kid because your Ex is not following the agreement that SHE created, btw. If that's the way she wants to play it, then you don't see your kid. If the kid has a problem with that, he should deal with his mother. Period.

We went a few months with no skid (yay!). She would try to be cute = let's make a deal... I'll bring him to point X for you but you have to bring him back to bla bla location. No. Well I'll drop him off at X but it will be at the wrong time. No. No. No. No. Stick to the rules or go away.

Things have leveled out. The only disruptions now are hers - she is taking him away for the weekend - (again, yay!) - I have zero intention of making anything easier for his ex. Put your foot down. Follow the rules or go away.

Wow, 7 yo, sorry but she sounds like a huge brat and her mother is enabling it. I had a step father and from what I've seen written you're just a parent and would treat them both equally. Believe me I know what it means to have a step parent that doesn't want you, and youre not it. my mother married my step father when I was 14 and despite me being an A student, having a job, and doing all the housework, he told me before they got married that everyone would be happier if I found someplace else to live. I graduated early from HS, I was 16. With my mothers backing I was thrown out because I could get a full time job and support myself. I would have loved to have a father like you, step or not.

I understand you reaching the breaking point, you're a person too with real feelings and there is only so much a person can take. And really why should you continually be miserable and beat your head against a wall for someone else? It does sound like you love them both and aren't looking to walk away, just venting. Hopefully it helps. And good luck, you seem to be in a tough spot, and sorry but your wife really doesn't seem like a good parent. I think she has anger/resentment that she's taking out on you.

That's crap, I'm sorry. Have you guys thought about (or tried) counseling? I mean, if you think there's something worth saving?

I think the biggest problem is that your wife needs to get on board with the "the adults are the team" concept. Taking SD7's side (in effect) over the dinner thing was a mistake. Sure, she could have disagreed with you - in private. Never in front of the kids. That's how you get kids who try to divide you guys. Divide and conquer, you know?

Even if you guys aren't willing to do counseling, you need to figure out how to be a TEAM. That means you present a united front to both kids, and if there are disagreements about how to handle something, they happen behind closed doors. I think honestly if you can get a handle on THAT, you'll start to feel better about stuff and get address the other issues (like your SD's behavior).

Look at the child in this situation to see what kind of person the parent is.

I totally get everything you're saying. I'm uncomfortable too venting online but I've had no other outlet for 7+ years. And yes, I am always between a rock & a hard spot if I ever say anything that even resembles what a parent would say to their own child. Every time I try to teach or discipline my SD12, I'm SO MEAN. You, as a SF, are constantly in the giving mode while they will always be in the receiving mode. You are a hero.

No you aren't a hero, I disagree with that. Being a parent sometimes mean doing what's hard vs a friend, and sometimes means going head to head with adults, ie teachers that are being bullies. Fighting for all that can't. That's not a hero, it's equal footing.

I do understand however the poster saying you aren't wrong and understand the meaning. We just have a different meaning of hero, yet in our heart it's the same.

I get the anxiety of venting online because to you its YOU, but venting online is anonmous, and really a great way to just get it out. Don't be alone.

Ok really that's enough isn't it? When you don't want to go home it's just enough. At what point do you become the enabler?