Borderline
I am new here. Thanks for being here. I am an older stepmother of 11 years now. I have been my stepson's stepmother since his birth. He is the outcome of an affair my husband had. Long story and don't want any advice in that area. I love my husband of 23 years and I love my stepson. Both dearly. Probably why the parental alienation, more accurately, the step-parental alienation, hurts so badly. As stepson ages, his mother has increased her lying about myself and husband. We only get to have him every other weekend and we fought tooth and nail for that. Different story involving backwoods family courts. As he is getting older, I hear his mother's words and attitude coming out of his mouth. This once caring, empathetic boy is becoming judgmental, arrogant, biased, bigoted and I don't know what else. I am just sick about it, but as we all know, I have no rights.
When we went through family courts for joint custody, I had a private talk with our attorney to document the actions of the bio mom towards me, just in case I ended up dead somewhere. She has even informed me that she carries a rope already made into a noose in the trunk of her car. Today I found a message that she sent me on Face Book about 3 months ago, telling me "You have a lot of F-ing nerve." I have no idea what she was talking about and she is not one of my FB friends. In fact I have had her name "blocked" for years. It seems she created a FB account for stepson, which was linked to his dad/my husband, then she linked mine from his.
The woman has been requested by stepson's pediatrician, to complete a psych eval regarding Munchhausen syndrome. She said she went just to prove them wrong! Who knows? Since everything that comes out of her mouth is a lie, we sure don't.
My husband attempts to keep her away from our lives as much as possible and tells me to just ignore her or let it go. I do try. Not so easy. I have raised two children already who are adults now. I am 65 years old and love being a mother and did enjoy being a stepmother. But this constant drama is taking a mental as well as physical toll on me. Someone please tell me HOW I stop focusing on this and move forward, stepping over this mentally ill person in my life and get my own life back. I want to be a positive role model for this little guy that I love so much. I want my marriage thriving, not constantly under attack.
Please be kind in your responses. I have enough negativity in my life. Thanks.
Hi. Your story really
Hi. Your story really touched me, and your love for your family is clear and very deep.
What I can tell you are some of the lessons and observations of a kid of that kind of chaotic childhood, now grown up. I hope it helps.
First, the most regretful memory that I have of my teen years is the day my mother found me writing a Happy Father's Day card to my dad. She said, 'what kind of father has he been?! He isn't your dad he doesn't even care!" She waited until I threw the card in the trash before she left the room. This was during their painful and aggressive divorce. The truth is, those were two adults fighting, but she had no right to try to alienate me from my own dad. Alas, my mom is the type of person who needs to control and manipulate everyone around her. She becomes overly anxious and extreme when people will not bend under her control. She is my bio mom.
My father, in this circumstance, felt that my brother and I had abandoned him and chosen mom over him, and no longer wanted him in our lives. This was the story my mom was creating and spreading to the relatives, family, community, and his workplace, and making sure that we backed up her story by, for example, preventing us from sending fathers day cards to our dad.
My father came to the conclusion that we no longer needed/ wanted him in our lives, and he moved away. This is actually the single most tragic lie my mom created but as we didn't know that she was spinning this web, we didn't realize the effect it was having on dad or our future of having a reliable other parent's love in our lives.
What I can say in your situation is, you can never underestimate the lies a bitter parent tells their child to try to sway them to ther "side".
You also cannot underestimate the power that your true love has to save your family and show them the truth.
My dad's problem is that he gave up and never fought for us. He figured mom brainwashed us and that we would never be on his team. The truth is I always loved him and tried to fight for him, but everything he did by leaving only confirmed mom's accusations to everyone. If he had fought for his kids, if he had loved us regardless of the lies mom spread, of the untruths she tried to make real, if he had just been there every week or weekend, no matter what because his love would resist her lies, this would have spoken volumes and revealed her controlling, pathetic lying nature for what it is, simply a fable of untruths. But he fell into her web like we did. And it took years before I realized what had happned.
Teenage years are when kids are becoming apart from their parents and transitioning to their own separate lives. you cant' expect a teenager to cling to you, they should be moving on. And if they do cling, it's more like codependency and a sign of problems. But you can be there for them, and your undying, reliable love, even if not appreciated in this exact moment, will be something they will cherish and repay you for in the years to come, with all of their heart and understanding. Just don't give up or judge them.
Lara, Your reply brought
Lara,
Your reply brought tears of hope to my eyes. Thank you for sharing this with me. You see I have only seen the negative results through two grandsons. They were raised by their father, primarily and the alienation worked. I realize that at some point the alienated child begins to participate in that alienation; this was what they have done. I see my stepson through that lens. You have provided me an alternative.
I do realize and remember the teen years that our older children went through. Fortunately my husband has never had to deal with a bio father like our bio mom. The mother you have defined is just like what we are living with in our lives. Perhaps I have been at risk of "falling into her web" as your father did. Thank you for using your experience to help me with mine. I will not give up on nor judge my stepson and I will think of it as a web now.
Again, thank you!
I will not judge you. But I
I will not judge you. But I do wonder how old is your step son?
He is 11.
He is 11.
tog, Thank you for replying.
tog,
Thank you for replying. I am sorry your family is dealing with this too. As I mentioned to Lara, my grandsons eventually participated in the alienation as well. That is typical with this form of abuse, though not always.
In our state, 13 is the age where the courts will listen to the child's choice. Hopefully my stepson will be able to leave. His situation involves a little sister though, whom he dearly loves and is very protective over. Since her father is no where around, the odds of her eventually becoming a replica of her mother is highly likely.
Maybe a different therapist for your stepson? Perhaps your husband is hoping his son will wake up. That is what I did with my grandsons. Still am. One is in the Marines now. I hope that helps. The other is a senior in high school. So far, neither have woke up.
I am sure that you are right.
I am sure that you are right. I have no doubt that his mother will put her needs before his. I also have no doubt that his little sister, now 2 years old, will be used as part of the manipulation. So, for that reason alone, his choice will be horribly difficult.
I agree too that sometime you have to "let go". I just within the last few days did that with my grandsons. I hope they wake before it is too late.
Ii am sure that no one knows what truly is happening but those who are living the situation. So common with boards/forums is that people only reveal a little at a time, it is biased of course, and in the desired perspective of the writer. None the less, forums can also be wonderful support.
Thank you for your responses. They are appreciated.
Fannie, Welcome. I hope you
Fannie,
Welcome. I hope you find this to be a good place to vent, contribute, and pick up some useful advice and perspective from others who are living the blended family adventure.
You will find that most STalkers will not judge your marriage or family. I won't.
If the BM in your situation was reasonable I would advise that you and DH work with her reasonably. Since she is toxic ... all bets are off. We had this situation with my SS-22's Sperm Clan. When they proved beyond all doubt that they were toxic we went into destroy them and protect the Skid mode. We did not badmouth them to the Skid but we did deal with the facts of their behavior and kept him informed in an age appropriate manner. As he got older, we kept him increasingly informed on the facts regarding his toxic toothless moron Sperm Idiot and extended Sperm Clan. Arrest records, CS payment records (Sperm GrandHag paid her DipShitiot son's CS obligation for my SS for the entire 16+ years of our CO), etc......
When they so much as twitched out of compliance with the CO we hauled them to court for a beating in front of a judge. If they violated the visitation terms of the CO we would pick up SS in their Church, at family reunions, at neighborhood events, have police cars in front of their home at optimal times for their neighbors to see, at family dinners at restaurants, etc..... We tolerated no bullshit and did not allow them to manipulate SS with their shallow polluted gene pool toxic bullshit.
So, considering how your SS's BM behaves, her lies, her manipulations, etc... it is time to start the absolute confrontation, tolerate nothing, keep SS fully informed campaign. No bad mouthing, just facts, truth, court records, police records, doctors records, etc... that give SS the unequivocal facts about his toxic womb donor.
My situation is not too dis-similar to yours. My bride and I met when SS-22 was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo. I have been his dad since he was a toddler. As my brides life partner, as you are the life partner to your DH, I was all in on being his dad and protecting his best interests even when I was protecting him from his own "father" and "family". :sick:
When I got to the point that you are at with the toxic opposition starting to impact my emotional and physical health I recommitted to protecting SS's best interests and wellbeing from the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool. I took control and refused to allow their actions to impact my life other than to motivate a response that was far more destructive to them than their crap was to me, my family, or my Skid.
So, no quarter, turn barring BM's idiot ass and giving your SS clarity on his toxic womb donor and her manipulative, controlling, PASing behavior into your favorite and very enjoyable hobby. That way you are taking aggressive positive action to confront BM's toxic behavior towards you and your family and you are choosing not to be her victim or allow her actions to adversely effect your emotional or physical health.
Over the years my SS started to recognize the toxic lies, manipulations, and behaviors of his Sperm Clan and began digging through the Custody/Visitation/Support drawers in our home office filing cabinets. He began asking specific questions, and he began protecting himself from their toxic crap and confronting their lives in real time when they spouted their usual toxic crap during his Sperm Land visitations. He is now 22 and 4 years into his first 6 years in the USAF, a self supporting, independent, viable adult who can protect himself from their periodic attempts to extort money from him by their attempts to guilt him into sending money for the support of his three younger also out of wedlock sperm idiot spawned half sibs by two more baby mamas. His mom and I still have his back.
Taking care of yourself is taking care of your family, your marriage, and your Skid and vise versa. The key is the strong equity partnership between you and your DH. If you are a team, you can protect the SKid and win this.
No quarter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! }:)
What a strong SD you have.
What a strong SD you have. It's great to read that it can get better. I have the same fear that you figured regarding "blindly worship" with my stepson. I don't want him to have bad feelings towards his mom, I just want him to think for himself. Naive? Maybe. But as he gets older he can better understand his mothers illness. Sometimes that helps.
I hope your stepdaughter is able to help her younger sister find a peaceful home with her father.
The situation really does
The situation really does vary depending on the time in the (borderline personality disorder) cycle. There have been days even weeks, where BM is not just tolerable, but endearing. It doesn't last of course and the cycle continues. In order for anything to change in her life, she has to acknowledge the problem and seek help; which is not likely given the disorder. Possible but not likely.
Reading your story, I guess that I am lucky in the sense that our situation is not (yet?) that severe! My stepson has a mother, so I have never pushed for that role, though at one point she tried to push it at me, some years ago. If the situation were to arise where I had to protect as you did, I would not hesitate. I agree that an equal partnership team is the only way to win this. I pray my stepson becomes as strong as yours has.
Thank you for your words of wisdom.
Thank you for your
Thank you for your perspective. I raised a daughter diagnosed with BPD as well as Bi-Polar, so am intimately familiar with the diagnosis. She lost custody of her sons as a BPD to their fathers. She had been married to both dads. Odd, that she married men with strong Mother attachments; so each divorce was paid for by their successful mother(s). Obviously my daughter was young and unable to compete financially and stable, so she lost custody. Long story, but I can tell you that this tore her apart. These are the grandsons I have been referring to and don't want my stepson to turn out like. They are both unhappy young men. So my daughter: She was around 27 when she just got tired of being controlled by the illness, so she did seek help. She found a wonderful therapist and took the meds for a while and did the work. She now is successful and working in the health field. My point: Many professionals as well as non-professionals hold the theory that
BPD is not "curable." That the BPD will always be sad and alone, not to be trusted; and if they treat their client like that, then most likely they will be correct. On the other hand, just as many people believe BPD is treatable, to the point of being in a form or remission, so to speak. After all, it is a "personality disorder" not like bi-polar which is a physical disorder. Sorry, I tend to get on my soapbox regarding this.
As for BM. The diagnosis was never substantiated by the therapist, for Munchhausen's by Proxy. All that we know is that the pediatrician did not pursue it further other than his nurses no longer deal with BM; he does directly. That being because she is so rude and disrespectful to them.
The threats have been documented and should I believe it necessary, I will not hesitate to take court action. Thank you for your concerns. I appreciate it very much.
Our situation did not start
Our situation did not start to improve until my bride finally came to the realization that the Sperm Clan could only be dealt with effectively with an iron fist. For the first 5ish years of our blended family adventure there was an ~18mo to 2 year cycle. She would put her foot up their asses when she got to the end of her rope. The would bitch and moan and then they would find clarity and not be too much of a PITA. She would then be her usual people are not evil and bad they are just misunderstood self and she would start to reduce the pressure on them. They would invariably take her less forceful approach as a sign of weakness and start pushing for more and more, PASing the SKid when he was on Sperm Land visitation, etc.... It would come to a head with a screaming bitch fest between my bride and the Sperm Idiot/Sperm GrandHag over some minor crap and my wife would bring the iron fist back into play. 6ish mos of peace and quiet with the Sperm Clan pummeled into submission. 6ish mos of magnanimous wife and increasingly toxic Sperm Clan crap. 6ish mos of raging battle. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Then I put my foot down and told my wife that if she could not keep her foot up their toxic asses then I would. I pointed out the cycle, that pissed her off but she could not argue with the facts and the history so she kept her foot up their toxic asses for the duration.
It was not until we adopted the zero tolerance total confrontation model that we were able to minimize the toxic influence of the Sperm Clan on my SKid and on our family.
It worked for us.
Good luck.
That had to be frustrating
That had to be frustrating for you. Glad it is working. I know my husband said something about the BM the other day, regarding her being kind again. All I could do is smile and say, "Good, she's cycling again, we get a break for a while!"
Oh, the advice I was
Oh, the advice I was referring to was my marriage; the affair and all of that. I have had so many people, especially women disrespect my decision. My marriage is not what I need advice on. All marriages are a work in progress. Sorry for the confusion.
I did visit the link that you provided. I am a retired Master's level social worker so am familiar with PA professionally as well as personally. More personally! In my field I dealt more with mental health of the adult. Though they all interconnect. But you cannot "practice" on your own family or self. As they say, "The doctor is the worst patient."
You are correct in that many here are in my shoes. That alone is great support, knowing that I am not alone. Sometimes we don't want to be "special" or "unique" in a situation, do we!
Thank you for replying and providing the link, which I will further visit.
After reading your story, you
After reading your story, you are an amazing individual.
I sure hope you find the answer and most of all, peace.
Thank you so much for the
Thank you so much for the compliment. I'm really not amazing, just tired of conflict in my life. Like I said, I am 65 years old and ready for a little bit of peace. But then I guess if nothing else, life has taught us all that we must sometimes fight for that peace.
Of all the hats I have had to wear in my life, I believe being a step parent has been the hardest.
Disneyland Dad is what my
Disneyland Dad is what my husband is called all of the time. I know the term...too well. As you said though, when you only have 4 days out of the month, it's natural. Even if he tried to do things "her way", he would never do it "right." No one does. She is angry at everyone. What is breaking my heart is seeing my stepson pick it up too.
Thank you for writing how everything has transpired in your family. It does help.
My husband was not either
My husband was not either when the title was given. He just wanted his little boy to be a little boy.
I hope you find some peace.
I hope you find some peace. I will tell you that PAS, removed my SD18 right out of our lives. It has been since Christmas 2013 since I have seen her. DH has not seen her since Fall of 2014. We stopped making effort. You can not force a relationship. Sometimes the easiest thing is to just walk away and hope that they will eventually wake up and want a relationship. I do hope someday that my SD18 sees her mother for who she is and what she did to sabotage her relationship with us. My SS did about 4 years ago and we have him full time and he is thriving.
I will not stop living our lives waiting on my SD. She has missed countless things and vacations with us and that is on her, not on us. We tried several times.
You need to stop fighting this and focus on other things. For me, it was planning great vacations and working harder. DH and I make our relationship a focus since we are coming up on a complete empty nest in two years with SS16.
You are so right. I
You are so right.
I mentioned before that I never tried to be SS's "mommy" since he already has one. I read about a year ago, that the best thing a step-mom could do is to be like "the aunt." This is a role that I could relish. I have raised two children, I don't "need" to raise my SS. I just want to love and cherish him and have a good life with him.
Even though I have embraced the aunt role in my own mind, attempting to focus on things that I enjoy doing and leaving the invitation open for SS and my husband to join in, I still become BM's target, which overflows from SS. Geez, that sounded confusing. I hope you know what I mean.
I do need to stop fighting this and focus on other things. I really just want to work hard and play hard. Though I am retired from social work, I do substitute teach. I need to do more of that. Thank you for your help.