Anyone had to say goodbye to skids?
We've broken up. We are navigating it as friends, as much as that is possible; there is still love and compassion and caring, and I will be here for the next month until I move (from AZ) to OR. I've loved with these girls (7 and 9) for 3 years, I've spent that time bonding with them, nurturing them, loving them and being more present than their dad by default since he works so much.
We have them Friday for dinner for 2 hours. We have them Tuesday for dinner for 2 hours. The. We have them the next three weekends before I leave.
Honestly, I'm so much a mess over having to say goodbye to them that I don't even know what the right way to handle it is, and neither does their dad. The 7 year old needs time to process. The 9 year old likes to rip the band aid, so to speak. But we can't tell one and not tell the other, so do we wait until right before I leave and just pretend everything is normal until that point? Do we tell them now and allow them a chance to spend some time together with me before I leave? I've no intention of placing blame; they are kiddos and they need to be concerned with kiddo business, not the "why's" of grown up business. But I still want to make it clear that I don't WANT to leave them. I love them and I feel awful about having told them I'm not going anywhere when I am, in fact, leaving. Do we tell birth mom? She and I are kind to one another, but I would to call us friends. However, she and their dad are really the ones that are going to have to deal with the aftermath. Should she know before they do?
I love them. I can't yet fathom having to say goodbye and never seeing them again. I want to think clearly and do what is right by them, but I also have grief over leaving behind my life, my dog, my partner...I just don't know what the best thing is for them. And I'm in no position to be selfish; I committed to them, and no matter whose fault it is, I'm the one that has to leave. I have absolutely no idea what the best thing is.
I was there I he exact same
I was there I he exact same situation. I am sad to say, they moved on quite fine and didn't miss me NEAR as much as I thought they would after a very short while...and these kids LOVED me to death. Was there raising them for three year -, did everything, vacations, every meal, all school functions, homework every night, put them to bed, EVERYTHING, you name it.
Maybe yours will be different, but kids minds change gears rapidly, so don't feel too guilty or anything.I was put last by my SO too, maybe that's why..maybe they "felt" that I wasn't that important to their dad through his actions... I really don't know the answer. The oldest didn't even text me a goodbye.
I really feel for you, dear. But things will get better!
I HOPE they feel like that.
I HOPE they feel like that. As a human, it breaks my heart to think they wouldn't miss me. As a grown Up step parent, though, I can't even stand the thought of them feeling left or sad or affected. I feel absolutely irresponsible for having agreed to love them before I was sure it would be forever. I don't like that feeling.
I would say pack your stuff.
I would say pack your stuff. Call the movers to take it and put it in storage and then deliver it to OR when you get there. Move into an extended stay motel until you depart and let your X deal with his children. No need to put your own heart through the wringer any more than necessary.
My XW was a end of relationship leech. She used to call me to proposition a hook up, to try to get me to buy her a car, to cry on my shoulder over her miscarriage of an out of wedlock adulterous relationship spawn then her subsequent out of relationship pregnancy and spawn with the geriatric Fortune 500 executive sugar/baby daddy that she left me for.
Meh .... make it as easy on yourself and possible, don't feel guilty about it, and don't give he or his kids any more thought than your own grieving process requires.
Good luck in OR. It is a beautiful place.
You know, I totally get all
You know, I totally get all of that. But he and I made the decision a year ago for me to stay home with the kids, take care of the bills, keep the house, basically do everything except work. And that was fine, but I don't have the option of putting everything anywhere or shipping stuff. I have no resources. No money. He's helpful, spent $700 getting my car serviced and ready for my 1300+ mile drive, new tires, doesn't care what I take, etc.
Whether or not the kids care, I feel obligated as a grown up who has loved them to do the best I can to make it am easy transition. And maybe they won't care; honestly, that would be easier for me:) But I have to assume they will.
He and I don't hate each other. It actually feels like there is more caring now than there ever was before. I'm not a leech, and once I leave, I don't have any ties. I love him, but he isn't my problem, not am I his. I managed my life before him, and I'll manage it after. Geez, she texted you about pregnancy and all that crap? I can't imagine. Not only do I not want to involve him in that, I can't imagine emotionally investing after we end things. I love him, but good lord; I can't even imagine talking to him about significant others or life issues or anything of significance. I'm so sorry that happened to you!!
Either way, whether the kids care or they don't, I feel an obligation as one of their grown ups to handle it as best I can. Maybe they won't care. That's better, at least for me. But in case they do, I want to handle it appropriately:)
Do what is easiest on you.
Do what is easiest on you. If what you outline accompishes that then the more power to you.
My XW did not text me with her leech drama. This was pre-text. She called me nearly incessently bacause "you know me better than anyone, what should I do." :sick:
The pinicle of her crap was a few months after our divorce was final. She called me to cry about her second pregnancy with Grandpa Sugar/Sperm daddy. The first she miscarried. The second she was scared about and called me to ask what she should do. From my perspective the conversation was a yawn fest and pretty pathetic. Until my younger brother chimed in. I had sold my business, transferred to an out of state college, and my brother and I moved their to complete out BSEE degrees. He is 6yrs younger and absolutely loved my XW. When she pulled her adulterous whore bullshit he was heart broken. When she called our apartment he and I picked up the phone at about the same time. He listened to the entire conversation silently until he guffawed at her pathetic bullshit. She got a little aggrivated about him being on the line. He congratulated her on the baby which got her crying again and lamenting ending our marriage and sobbed about how much she missed me and my family. My brother very calmly asked if she had sellected a name for the baby yet. She thought that was so sweet. He told her she should name the baby Less. Like Less Nessman from WKRP in Cincinati. She thought that was funny until he then screamed into the phone "But that will be its middle name because its first name could only be FATHER!!!!!!
I did not hear from her for 3 years. :sick:
Thanks little brother!
Take care of yourself.
I felt like I explained why i
I felt like I explained why i would be here so long, but maybe not. Even if I could just leave and start over, I'm not sure abruptly exiting their lives is best for them. I've been staying home to take care of them, the bills, the shopping/errands, the cooking and stuff.
I have NO resources. People may judge me for that, but so be it. I am at the mercy of others right now, I have no money and no home. I'm heading to Oregon to live with my best friend while I enter the workforce and figure out this new life. I can't just up and leave because I financially can't and I also don't think it's the best thing to just abandon the girls without time for them to ask questions and figure out how life will be now.
I'm fine. He and I are fine. We aren't fighting, we don't hate each other, and feelings don't change overnight. Within the confines/parameters of what I can actually do, I would like to find the most reasonable way to say goodbye to the kiddos. This is as much my bad as it is his, and I don't feel good about entering lives of children and then leaving. But this is the situation. I hate it. But I have to deal with it, and I can't leave before I can leave:)
That is such interesting and
That is such interesting and good advice!
I don't want them to be sad, but I feel a obligation to handle their sadness because for them, I'm a apart of their loves. I'm not interested in effing up kids anymore than I have already. But yeah, it ultimately will fall on mom and dad. And of course I would make it as happy as I possibly can. Frankly, I can't promise I won't cry. I'm so sad! And it IS about me to a certain extent, but it is more about them.
It's just a lot to think about. I know they'll get over it. But they aren't so tiny they won't remember so I don't want those memories to be tainted for them, with sadness, bitterness or anything else.
Man, what a mess we've made. I won't date or love someone with kids again. It really messes with far too much.
Love is a choice. So is not
Love is a choice. So is not loving. So ... make the choice from the perspective of your best interests. While you were with their father you chose to care for the Skid's best interest which included care, feeding, love.
That no longer is the case. So, make the choice and do not burden yourself with the emotional "poor little dears" drama any more than neccessary. The fact is that as your tail lights dim in the distance they will be fed, they will be house, they will be clothed and you fill beging fading to them just as your tail ligths fade in the distance.
These things are hardest not on the kids but on the caring adult element. That is you. Do not focus on how hard it is on anyone else. Focus on minimizing your own pain.
You have received a lot of advice and responded nearly verbatim to all of it. You have made your decision so quit aggitating it constandly until your departure. If you are not going to adjust your perpsective then embrace your choice completely and don't second guess yourself and keep floating this to the forfront of your remaining days. You are making an exciting move. Focus on that.
Good luck.
Don't spend too much time or
Don't spend too much time or energy concerning yourself with the trauma you think the sc will feel. In the past I took in my dh's grandchildren and raised them for a couple years. The only heart broken was my own and that was temporary. I put as much love, time and effort into them as if they were my own. In the end they went home.
I thought I was a person of importance to them. I was wrong. Even when I lived 20 miles from them, not a phone call, not a visit, not one recognition that I existed. I was the grandma doing homework every night, the room mother for their class, the soccer grandma out on the field during practice, they were taken for vacations.
Children live in the present. They may enjoy being with you now. Once you are gone, you will have been nothing more then " that person who used to live with dad. Their other family relationships will remain. Someone else will eventually fill the role of " the female" in dad's life. Life will go on.
Our BM is on her third
Our BM is on her third relationship since DH and she split and I have to say, I have not seen any sadness over missing the men. And honestly, having met all three, they were nice guys who spent a lot of time with her kids. Too nice for this BM........she goes through more men than we have hot dinners. The kids seem ok with it, but I am no expert. That could be one of the many reasons they are badly behaved brats?
When I was 14, going on 15,
When I was 14, going on 15, my stepmom said "goodbye " (more like kicked us out after her father died and she got her inheritance). Her and I got along great, and at the time, almost better than my mom and I did. We were close; more like friends (she'd buy me wine coolers and her and I would drink and smoke cigars together). I know it wasn't a healthy relationship, now. My DH would murder me if I did that with SD, lol
However, I really didn't shed a tear and we moved on just fine. My dad was remarried 5 years later to my now Stepmom (almost 15 years later). I love my SM. The most I've thought about ExSM is trying to look her up/find her and my step siblings on FB (but have not asked to be friends or anything).
Point is, they will move on. It may suck temporarily, it may even hurt a little, but everyone will move on. Best of luck to you on your new life!! Please don't let this get to you and I really hope you take comfort in knowing that they'll be just fine and life will go on the way it should
This is going to sound
This is going to sound horrible but . . kids are resilient. Honestly, they will cry cause they will see you crying and then they will be over it. Its the same thing during a divorce - kids take their cues from the adult around them. If everyone is crying and saying "boo hoo poor kids!!!" then they feel sad. If not, they just roll with the program and readjust just fine.
I'm not trying to discredit you in any way, shape or form, but . . this is just what I've seen in my life. I'm not saying you are not a wonderful person - I'm sure you are. But they are kids. And . . they won't care much after you are gone and the drama dies down. Don't make a big deal out of things, and things won't be a big deal.
I agree with what someone else said - don't torture yourself any longer. Pack your stuff, get it to a moving company, and go stay with someone else or get a motel for the rest of the time before your move. Pack, say bye-bye and get out. The sooner you let go and move one, the better off you will be. Don't cling to and stress out over your "old" life anymore. Start your new one.
And you're leaving the dog?!?!? Lol. Yeah, that's the one thing I would be taking with me!
Just wanted to say that I am
Just wanted to say that I am sorry about the break-up, and understand how you feel about leaving the kids you love.
Also sorry about your financial situation, too many of us learn the hard way. You`ll be fine, and make sure you don`t end up like this ever again.
I have a friend who was in a somewhat similar break-up situation as far as loving the step-kids. (Then again BM lost custody of her kids, so I think she became more or less a mother for her step-kids.)
Her step-daughter and she have kept in touch ever since the break-up 3 years ago.
She will take SD to the beach, have her round her house, help arrange her birthday and so on. Really touching story, SD actually went out and bought her a little necklace just recently. What I am saying is that it could be, that they will keep in touch if you really want to.
But then again - my friend has remained single, and SD has no mother and a both have a very small family. Also, they live quite close, and SD was probably 11-ish on time of break-up, and both were in need of each other.
(I on the other hand have not missed my step kids a second since the break-up, and I know that they are still working on their dad (and succeeding) in convincing him that I indeed was THE NASTY STEPMOTHER. And we broke up due to the step-kids, even if we loved each other and had kids.)
I think the best advice I can give you is to concentrate on getting your feet back on the ground, sort out finances and make sure the step-kids know they kan keep in touch with you. Best is probably if they see you at your new place, you can offer to babysit etc. If it is meant to be, it will be. You might discover that they`ll be busy living their lives, and possibly forget about you. But most likely they will always remember you, and probably give their next step-mother a hard time because they`ll compare her to their fantastic memories of you. (And they`ll probably give their dad hell for letting you go.)
Hope everything works out well for you!