Am I Wrong? Or Insensitive?
Ok,so over a week ago, my SD's aunt passed away from their father's side. It was unexpected. SDs are now 16 and 6. My BDs were with us for part of spring break and I wold them, just so they would be aware if SDs were a bit distant or whatever. Ok, so my wife took to spending extra time with SDs, making sure they were ok. She slept with them, and basically completely disregarded me for a week and a half. I told her I understood the situation with SDs, but that I need SOME KIND of affection as well. Am I wrong? We argued about it. She wound up apologizing, but I'm not sure she apologized caused she wanted to or that she didnt want to fight. But that is an issue with my wife. She's really all or nothing. There is no real middle ground with her. Like, I understand that they needed some extra attention, but damn, did I have to get NONE?? Am I being selfish? I would love to hear what you all think.
Wow, you are not being
Wow, you are not being insensitive. My SO and I can have a stand up fight and I will still cuddle him. We have had some rough experiences but neither of us have ever with held physical affection. I don't mean sex. I mean attention, holding hands, a cuddle, a kiss on the cheek, bum pinch. Affection no matter what happens in your home and relationship is very important.
Not all men want their "dick
Not all men want their "dick licked" when they verbalize that they want affection.. I think he meant more of the fact that the marital bed was half empty while she slept with her teenager and her 6 year old. I have had family members die around both of those ages, I didn't need my mommy to sleep in my bed to make me feel better though.
Did I miss the part where
Did I miss the part where they hardly see/know the aunt?
I know when their uncle (on Dad's side) passed, both kids were really very upset. They didn't see him all that often, but enough to have a firm relationship/attachment with him. Yes, I treated them gently as they needed it.
Now we're gonna get into the
Now we're gonna get into the "real men" thing? All PEOPLE are different. You don't know that he wanted physical affection, but you assumed anyway. Some people would have you think that only "real women" would care and love for their husband's children as if they were their own. We know that's not true, so why the stereotype?
My bad, just didn't get the
My bad, just didn't get the reference, lol
(No subject)
I think it really depends on
I think it really depends on how close they were to each other. If they were really close, I understand your DW; it was only for a few days and at the age of 16 some people take the death of a dear one harder than at 6.
Let me be clear, it was not
Let me be clear, it was not about getting my 'dick licked", and honestly tommar24365, I don't know you, but being in a bitchy mood does not excuse your personal attack of me. I don't appreciate having my manhood being challenged by some stranger hiding behind a computer. And to add some clarity, I was not complaining about not haveing ENOUGH attention, my concern was not getting ANY. And I know for a fact that my wife is not having an affair. I do not know the extent of the relationship they had with their aunt, so I do not know how affected the kids were, and honestly, that matters not to me. I KNOW they needed their mother. Understandable. No problem. And I absolutely supported her and them. I told them I was there for whatever they needed. I tried to talk to the 16 year old, but she didn't want to talk to me. I have become the root of her problems. We used to be close, but are not anymore. Part of why I detached. My issue was that I was all but ignored during this time. My wife and I discussed her "single mom" mentality. That is the issue.
Sorry you stepped on that
Sorry you stepped on that random land mine, daddyrob. Please don't take it personally, just some free floating anger landed on you like dust. Poof! It's gone.
Yes, your wife was being unreasonable. And kinda crazy. 16 year old and 6 year old coulda slept with each other if they wanted that cuddling comfort. Sisters do it all the time. Mothers do not.
I like to think I am the most important person in the world to my nieces. But I never expected my sisters to leave their husbands beds to comfort the kids if something happened to me. Never.
Your line "I have become the root of their problems" is very telling. What it tells me is that you need StepTalk because many, many of us are the "root" of skid's problems and spouse's problems. We did not know we were signing up to be Prime Scapegoat when we got married. You can get some really good feedback here and you will learn some good coping skills for the home. Please don't let the random dust bunny that landed on you keep you away.
Just had a glance at your
Just had a glance at your co-sleeping thread which makes me feel I should clarify my above remark about the sisters sleeping together.
I do not believe your teen sd should be sleeping with your toddler on a regular basis. If they both fall asleep on the couch, that's one thing. But not putting toddler into teen's bed every night. No.
The 2 full sisters who go from house to house together are probably closer to each other than they are to anyone else. If there's real grief over the aunt, they both feel it. Sisters have often shared rooms and beds through an entire childhood. Just logistics. Nothing odd. So I meant they can do that if they want for a few nights because the younger one is still very little and cuddly and big sis probably feels protective.
When I was 16 and my sister 19 we moved into a house together. We shared the foldout couch in the living room for night accommodations. I think this lasted approximately 3 or 4 months. It was no big deal. For me it was a grand adventure to be "on my own" and for her I think it was a transition to something more independent. We were used to each other and thought nothing of sharing the only bed in the house.
From reading your other thread it sounds like your stepchildren have some dependency issues about sleeping that are a bit off the chart. I would not want to encourage that nor would I want to start my own child on that path. Tiny children want to crawl into bed with mom and dad from time to time. As they get older, Mom and Dad refuse more and more often so the behavior is extinquished altogether by 9 or 10. A 16 year old should no longer be comfortable sleeping with mom.
The scene in Sound of Music where all the kids come piling into Julie Andrews bed during a thunderstorm is one thing. But spending a week and a half in there is outrageous.
Thank you for your responses.
Thank you for your responses. I listen to any and all advice here, good or bad. Here is where I learned about disengaging. It has helped me quite a bit.
You're not wrong or
You're not wrong or insensitive in the slightest. The way I see it, our partners should be able to look after their children without it being detrimental to us. After all, we love and support them and we deserve their love and support in return. We're not here to be picked up and dropped whenever they feel like it. Respect and love 100% of the time, not just when it suits them.
DH has done this to me so many times. He makes excuses like I am interested in hearing them. No, just be a good loving DH, don't make excuses. It's taken, and still is taking, a lot of time to resolve. But just know you are being totally reasonable!
I tried posting this as a new
I tried posting this as a new topic, but I don't see it on the forum page, so I'm going to add it here. Ok, so some of you may have read my posts and know that I am remarried, stepfather to 2 girls, 16 and 6, bio dad to 3 girls, 13, 9 and 2. The 2 year old is from my second marriage. I have had problems with my 2 SDs. But the more I think about things, a major part of the problem is my wife. She is constantly making excuses for any and everything her daughters do. It has caused problems between the 2 of us. I love her, I honestly do. She is the woman I should have married years ago, but didn't. When we are alone, things are great. Even when its just us and our youngest daughter, things are great. It's when the SDs are around that things are not so great. I am not going to go into all the incidents and history, but I have been cursed at by SD16, who was 15 at the time, SD6, who I have been raising as my own since she was 2, flat out ignores me, does not thank me when I do things for her and just seems to hate me (a lot of which comes from her BD who has been known to tell her not to listen to me and that I'm not her father, etc) They are extremely possessive of their mother and jealous when I spend time with her. This weekend we were alone all weekend. No kids. We had a great time. We even discussed some issues that we have. Then, yesterday as SDs came home, it all changed. We were laying watching a movie, both still in our underwear, when there was a knocking at the door. Wife calls out, "Hold on." I get up, start to put on my shorts as there is another, louder knock on the door. I yelled, "HOLD ON!" And my wife became angry with me for yelling. Mind you, we did not know for sure it was SDs at the door. I open it, its them. SD6 blows by me, SD16 comes in moody as usual, and goes to her room. Wife is now mad at me. So now, I'm pissed cause she got at me for reacting to the knocking at the door. She starts, "See, your whole demeanor has changed because they are home now." We were watching a documentary. SD6, as most 6 year olds can do, starts telling Mommy about any and everything that has happened since they left Friday night. I can no longer hear the documentary, as SD6 talks very loud. So, I ask my wife if she wants to shut it off. She agrees, but begins to press the issue of me changing. I tell her that I don't want to get into it. She persists. So, I tell her. You yelled at me for yelling at them for knocking on the door like that. It is not the first time. They bang on the door like the police if you don't open it within seconds. I said, she used to call you or text you when they were on their way home. They are supposed to be home at 3:30, yesterday this was at 2:15. They have been as early as 1 and as late as 7. No calls. "That's not her fault" is my wife's response. "Knocking on the door is not the worst thing in the world" she says. I agree that its not, and I was over it by the time I opened the door. Just wanted to send a message to be patient. But she yelled at me. So now, we're at about 75% arguing. SD16 closes the door to her room and now my wife starts, "See, now she knows we're fighting about them." I try again to explain to my wife that I'm not mad at them. I'm angry because SHE yelled at me. She doesn't want to hear it. She foes on and on about why can't they come home to a peaceful house and that I'm not welcoming. So, they go to her sister's house to get the 2 year old. I stayed home, worked on a project and cooked dinner. They come home, and all seems to be fine. I'm downstairs in my studio, she asks me to help with laundry. No problem. I do what she asks. She asks for some clothes to be brought up to her. I do it. Then goes off on how no one helps her. Again, I get pissed. I go back downstairs. Time for bed. She is on the sofa with SD16. SD16 gets the pillows and blankets and asks Mom to "snuggle" with her. So I already know now, she is not going to come to bed with me. I tell her I'm going to bed. She says, "I'll be there in a few minutes". I say, "Ok, but I'm gonna kiss you now cause I know you're not gonna come to bed." "I will", she says. "No you wont", says SD16. Not in a playful way, but more in a way that showed me that she is running the show. I love my wife, I really do. But I cannot live like this much longer. She allows the children to run the show, and I cannot cosign that. I do not believe in that. I have considered leaving, but I don't know. We tried counseling, but she stopped going because she didn't like what she was told. I do not know what to do anymore. Thanks for reading, and please, share advice. Thanks.
Sad to state, but this
Sad to state, but this situation has led to a new situation. Let me give some back story here. When I started seeing my wife 5 years ago, her daughter, now SD16 was 11. She had no set bed time, came and went as she pleased to the park and friend's houses and such and co slept with mom 2-3 nights a week. When I came into the picture, I discussed these things with my wife and she stopped them. We gave her a bed time as well as other rules and such. (No wonder the kid hates me)But the hardest to change was the co sleeping. Mom was quickly substituted with SD6, who was almost 2 at the time. I am against them sleeping together overall, barring special occasions, or every once in a while, but my wife insisted on one night a week that the SDs can sleep together. This faded over time. But ever since the passing of their aunt, my wife has been co sleeping with SD16 like 3 or more nights a week!! It started off with them falling asleep watching tv togther, and continued. They choose to sleep together on the sofa. It makes me crazy! I just cannot understand it. I have explained to my wife how I feel about it to an extent. She takes things very personal. I don't know how to tell her that it makes me sick to my stomach. Her and I have been going through things, but when we're alone she's fine with me, but when her kids are around, I get tossed aside. I NEVER try or allow her to take attention away from them to give it to me. We are working through our issues. I really do love this woman. I don't want to leave. But she is very stubborn and doesn't listen when she doesn't want to, know what I mean? Thanks for reading my rant.
Make an ostentatious display
Make an ostentatious display of looking for your little black book. Oh, now where did I put that? When she asks what you're up to, tell her you're tired of sleeping alone. If my dh ever left our marriage bed for anything less than some kind of emergency, that's what I would do.
Did not get married to sleep alone.
Don't let her treat you like a forgotten pet. You're a spouse, not a torn old sheet with a coffee stain on it.
I had some VERY close
I had some VERY close relatives pass when I was a young age. Neither my mother nor my father did any co-sleeping with me to "help" me get over my loss.
Oh, and it is very telling that your wife refused to go back to counseling because she didn't like what she was told.
Sleeping with a 16yo and a
Sleeping with a 16yo and a 6yo over the death of an aunt ..... questionable at best. :?
My youngest brother (10mos old) passed away when I was 8yo and my surviving brother was 2yo. No cosleeping with mom and dad. They nor my brother or I even thought about it as I recall 43 years ago. And we were and remain an exceptionally close family.
As for the continued co-sleeping with her 16yo daughter ... incestuous behavior much? :sick:
Time to inform the bride that it stops now, stays stopped, or DW and her prior relationship spawn are gone. Love her or not, an SO has to bring as much to the relationship as you do or ... it is doomed. As much focus, care, love, engagement, etc... I am not talking physical or financial resources.
IMHO of course.