It won't matter what you say to them if your future wife is not on board. Take an honest look at her parenting, her expectations of you as a step parent and their current relationship with you. Tread carefully. Hold your ground.

I would have a talk with your soon to be wife about becoming a stepdad before you talk to her kids. Find out what her expectations are and how she will handle things once yall are married. Then together go over that with the girls so they know you are going to (hopefully) work together and she will back your decisions.

This is what I wish I would have done.

DH and I sat down with my skids and we had a "family meeting". Yeah it was a joke. OSD thought she had some right to tell me and DH that we were moving too fast, that I was not her mother and could not replace her mother. She did not even have the balls to look at me when we were speaking. Thank God I am not their mother! I would bury my head in the sand and never come up for air if I was.

Kid's feelings change like the tide, one second they will hate you and the next second they will love you. Just be yourself. Let them know you are there to help. Nothing will work if future wife does not back you and you her 100% or if biodad has issues.

Though you have good intentions I think a slightly different approach is in order.

"Girls, your mom and I love each other very much and we are getting married. We love you too (true or not, say it), and you will be a major part of our marital home. There are rules. You will treat your mom and I with appropriate respect and we will treat you with the respect that a parent has for their well behaved children. Once we inform you of the rules you will follow them. If you don't you will be held accountable for the consequences of your decision to not follow them. I know you have questions. We all do. We will figure it out together and if we all treat each other with respect it will be fine."

Most importantly your bride needs clarity that you and she are equity life partners and that makes you an equity parent to any children in your marital home regardless of kid biology. You both must commit to each other that your marriage is the only priority. It takes precedence over all things including kids. Kids are the top marital responsibility but never do they take precedence over the marriage. Ever. Period.

Kids benefit from a strong and healthy adult relationship at the core of the family. They are not a party to that relationship however.

This is how my bride and I navigated our 20+ year and counting blended family adventure. We must have done something right. SS-22 must asked me to adopt him formally. I have been his dad since his mom and met when he was 15mos old and married the week before he turned 2yo.

Good luck and have fun.

I think this is a good idea, but I would like to reiterate the fact that the conversation with your fiancee is MOST important. Make sure you are on the same page. My wife and I did this. We spoke to all the kids, hers and mine, together. We established rules and such. However, her weakness as a parent is guilt. Her daughters can guilt her into anything, and this causes rifts between us. It is partially MY FAULT for knowing this and proceeding anyway. What can I do? I love the woman. Good luck to you, and keep this site handy!

My DH and I had the same talk with his kids when we got married, we've always set rules and consequences in this house by family meeting, bc kids are more likely to follow rules that they've had a hand in setting. Plus, letting them know that you have no intention of taking anyone's place, for me that was BM, but that I am just an extra person to love them. We ended up having to have the talk a year later, and another year after that... They forgot. One huge thing, I'm a family counselor, and all the research out there says that in our situations, when it comes to discipline, that needs to always fall on the bio parent. Obviously if it's a set rule that everyone in the house knows about then the step parent can enforce, but I usually don't, I wait for DH. In a time when you are trying to build your family and forge positive relationships any discipline you do as the step parent will only disrupt or cause the bonds to not happen because we do not have history with the kids. And just remember, in several books that I've read, your family won't feel like a natural born family for years depending on the ages of the kids. So give it time, be patient, love them, and most importantly show them the things you feel are important for in this case actions truly do speak louder than words. Good luck.