Sorry, but it sounds like you have a father/child dynamic going on with your wife.

Forgive me for assuming your wife was a financially, responsible adult.

Actually, Echo DOES know Jack Shit. She knows the entire shit clan. She has been close personal friends with one or more of the shitheads.

I saw nothing in Echo's post which might ascend to the level of telling her that she didn't know jack shit ...

For Pete's Sake, I can't tell if it's finances with you or jealousy or flat envy. I am beginning to think that it is DW lying to you, hiding receipts and money/power which is irking you currently.

If the Universe is so good, why the heck are you posting here at STepTalk. Not hearing the opening strains to "Kumbaya."

Well, Polar, I hope you and wife get this settled before this evenings outing. Otherwise you'll both be having a miserable night. Her because she'll know what she'll face when the outing is over (your 20 questions of where they went and what she spent). You because you'll be suspicious believe she's lying and more than anything else, just silently bristling with anger because she loves and spent time/money on a person you deem unworthy of it.

I completely understand why you have banned the SD from your home. I think you must also, however, take into consideration that action has to some point, set up the situation that is now occurring (dinners out and shopping). If money were so tight they would be hanging at home for the evening. After the family blowout, that's no longer possible. Perhaps what would help would be to decide together how often wife can afford her outings with her daughter and her available budget from her monthly finances. Then what she does on those evenings should be no longer debatable between you two.

Honestly? You gave away what the real issue for you is when you relayed the three necklaces. Shopping wasn't your problem, who she shopped for was. Your wife and you have a lot of unresolved issues stemming from the past actions that occurred. There's not a person here that will disagree that what this SD did to you was horrible and absolutely none of us will say to you forgive the SD and try to have a relationship with her nor bring the family back together. No. Far too much damage was caused. But what we can't really help you with is how to go on from it. Your wife has chosen to continue a relationship with her daughter. She has agreed to the condition it must be outside of your home together. You have chosen to remain with your wife. You've both made your decisions, now you both have to decide together how you both will live with the decisions you've made. Stop comparing your children. Stop trying to mandate which ones are worthy of love. Set your mutually agreed schedules and joint and individual budgets. Then live with your choices.

As long as he wasn't using my money, I wouldn't care.

But it really wouldn't matter. A kid or BM doing/saying anything that can jeopardize my career, is a deal breaker for me.

tog - you DO know that OP is a woman, right?

Willow, if you've got some sound advice, give it. If OP is still reading I'm sure she'd appreciate it. If so, please read her back story so you have more of OP'S side and what she's been through in this relationship and all the children/young adults involved.

Her self given history of the past 5ish years, it's pretty sad what this poster has tried to deal with:

"We usually get a long pretty
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Submitted by Polarbear on Tue, 08/04/2015 - 10:08am.

We usually get a long pretty good. It's only when it comes to the kids...as it seems with a lot of us on this site. I see so many parallel stories. Her daughters are not welcomed at the house. They all had to move out in 2010 when my DD then 14 and SD then 16 got in a fight during daycare hours. (I run a home daycare) The SD16 had just be dumped by her boyfriend. Neither SD14 or SD16 liked having house rules or a step parent who followed through with consequences. I was turning into more of a glorified maid and they were being allowed to treat me rudely. WE sought counseling. My wife didn't follow through on the counselor's advice. She empowered her girls. SD16 tried calling CPS who said we were doing everything right. When that failed, she got into a fight with my DD14 which got physical. SD16 then proceeded to tell everyone I beat her from head to toe (not true). Her mom and I didn't know this was what she was saying. My SO took SD16 & SD 14 the the counselor to see why they were so unhappy. More lies. Mandated reporter. CPS re-involved....and daycare licensing now involve. CPS drop the case. Daycare Licensing, while they knew the girls were lying, (their story changed with every interview) I ended up taking a deal in which I lost my License for 2 years (instead of 3 if it went to trial and they continued to lie to the judge, because no adult in their family could tell them lying is wrong, we couldn't trust what they would say, and in my record I would have all the support letters from all my daycare parents who all stood behind me and all returned when I re-opened.
They moved into a place she couldn't afford, but the girls needed the luxury. The SD16 promised she would help her mom get through this, another lie. SO has ADD, Diabetes..oh yeah and depression. SD14 has ADD. Even though I gave my SO a folder with all the lies the girls told (my lawyer subpoenaed interviews) she bought into all the stories they told her. because she herself was abused on all levels and it went ignored I took care of everything from bills to meds to laundry ....(glorified maid while they were here). Every month she was overdrawn, even though she stuck me with all but 2 bills. Kids didn't do crap to help out. I was not allowed over unless they weren't home. All pictures in the house were of them. In her room there was a pic of us that I had given her, which was laying face down or in a drawer most of the time when I came over unannounced. A couple months after SD16 turned 19 she moved out unannounced....to her Grandfather's house located right between our two houses. Left a note for her mom to come home to. (This by the way is the man that beat and raped his own kids and allowed his father and friends to molest his kids and his kid's friend..but ok) A couple months later I hook SO up with a cheaper condo for her and now SD18 that one of my daycare mom's needed to rent out. I figured win/win. Well, the SD19 almost 20, who has worn out her welcome at Grandpa and Step-Grandma's and their 2 kids, because she does nothing to contribute financially or physically around the house, decides to move in as well. This is August. Right before Christmas...the 17th....she sends a text...sorry mom, I think it would be better if I live with my boyfriend and his family, I can find better work there, and have more space. When SO responded it was kind of disrespectful to do in text and right before Christmas, SD20 responded, "Well the real reason is because I can't sleep knowing that "SO" know where I sleep at night and this is causing me to be depressed and I'm trying my best but blah blah blah,but I'll be there for presents!" Always thrown back on me with lies when her truth doesn't work out. Right after Christmas SD18 had disappeared for a couple days...a common thing after barely graduating and was not working or going to college. (She needed a break which included not contributing to the household) My wife didn't get along with this daycare parent very well so when a problem came up with the stove knobs I offered to come over and change them out for her...since no kids were there. We were watching a show in her bedroom when SD18 come though her bedroom window...apparently lost her key again...saw me and took off. On morning of the 2nd, she comes back and has an argument with SO and tells her she is moving out. This threw SO into a spiral. SO stops going into work. She never misses work. After a couple of days I bring her back to my house. (My husband and I purchased this house from his mom in 1999, he passed from cancer in 2002) Jan. 10, 2013 I take her to the doctors because something is definitely wrong...but new year, new insurance, with switch to whole new provider. I check her into a place for depression that afternoon because she doesn't want to be here anymore. She is in the hospital a couple weeks out one, checks back in, transfers to another, in there almost a month for a total time of almost 3 months. I visit pretty much every day during visiting hours as long as I can. SD18 visited 2x SD20 4X..(If my mom said she didn't want to be here any more, I would try to be there more than that)..I took their cats back to my house...when she got out of the hospital I took her back to my house. My DD now 20 same age as her youngest and her BF21 live with me. My DD doesn't like my SO because how she was treated by her and her daughters when they lived here. It wasn't all bad...but there were times....esp. when I was working outside the house on the weekends. But my DD loves me enough to let me have my relationship and I have raised her to be respectful and she is polite and contributes to the household chores, buys food, they pay rent, and their own bills. Both DD20 and BF21 work and go to college. DD20 helps e=with daycare and works part time catering and babysitting.
I help pack and clean most of SO an SDs apt. We ended up putting a lot in storage for the time being. Her youngest had moved from place to place...an aunt, grandparents, dad's, another aunt, eventually moving out to live with a boyfriend she met weeks before...(honestly I think she burns a bridge with everyone she stays with because neither her or her sister know how to help with housework and are self centered so they don't realize these people aren't obligated to take care of them and provide everything for free for them.) SD21 almost 22 after 6 months of living with BF's family moved in with her dad and new step-mom. (I kind of wanted to warn the new SM but she'll learn in time) I told my SO before we gave notice on the condo and moved stuff, she had to understand her children are not allowed to come over to the house, whether I'm home or not. She can have whatever relationship she wants with them, but she can meet them somewhere other than the house. (They were never corrected or told lying was and is wrong and you should be respectful to others...because you should...golden rule....treat others the way you want to be treated. And until they are confronted with what they did, I don't need to be subjected to them) And while I'm sure there is a picture of them around here somewhere, it's not out on display anymore. I don't want to look at their face, nor do I feel I have to. My SO has a desk at work she can keep a picture of them if she wants.
I love her. I wouldn't have married her if I didn't. I had a great first marriage, ( he passed from cancer in 2002 after a 7 year battle) I took a vow for better or worse times and believe I need to work trough the hard times.
My SO was diagnosed with severe depression, PTSD, OCD Thought Patterns, ADD Inattentive, Diabetes....it's come out that she was physically, sexually, mentally, abused and abandoned during her childhood, physically abused in her first marriage, and told by a therapist if I stayed in this relationship, know she is coming with trunks, not just regular luggage bags.

Most everything in our relationship we are able to work through. But when it come to the kids....her kids...it sparks this anger in her that makes her lash out and she seems to lose all the ground we gained. Things I've read on this site by others ring in my ears as it comes out her mouth...."YOU HATE MY KIDS" well, i didn't at first, but can you blame me now "YOU GET TO SEE YOUR KID ALL THE TIME, I DON'T" not my fault they are so wrapped up in their life and don't make time for you. (SD21 can be in the neighborhood with friends but not call her mom to get together.) They are always victims. They don't see we were all victims in this relationship...we all suffered...but my DD and I don't play the victim role, we moved on to be survivors.

I asked my SO Saturday during our "let just ignore each other" time if "IDIOT" was what her parents called her when she was a kid and that maybe she should think about it...because you would think she would learn NOT to do that since she knows how scarring it is to be called names.

Last night I made a reference to being an "IDIOT". I told her she never apologized for calling me that. She then did. I told her she can't call me names when she gets mad. She can't call me an "IDIOT". I'm not putting up with the abuse anymore.

Thanks for letting me vent and get my story out there....." [end of post]

Why would the wife act like a responsible adult when the OP has spent years treating her like a spoiled brat???

I swear the wife sounds like a spoiled kid who knows she can blow her money on wants because mommy is always there to fund her needs.