some advice
Background information.
I have been with my husband since his daughter was 1 year old. He has 50/50 placement. His daughter is now 5. His ex is extremley intrusive in our lives and constantly intruding on our parenting which is funny because she is constantly moving around and feeding SD mc donalds.
So we have a gym membership with a pool and we also have a beach by us. Since she has been 1 year old I have always taken SD in the womens side. My DH and I both agreed its better for a little girl to be on womens side instead of going with him to the mens area. So everytime we change in a curtain room together and when we get done swimming I help her shower and then she waits in the room which is an open shower kinda like showering in a bathroom with no toilet. Theres no curtain so she obviously sees me naked. Well we have done this for years. Even when we go camping its the same set up.
Well the other day the BM called freaking out that I showered with her daughter who is now 5. Its not like I do this when we are home. Its mainly when there are no other options plus I have been in her life since shes been in diapers. She doesn't question anything about my body except my birth mark on the back of my leg because its a very dark color. Besides that SD plays in the shower and never makes inappropriate comments. She stopped showering with DH at 3 because she started to notice a difference.
Anyways sorry made this super long. Am I in the wrong?
Nope. Not in my opinion. It
Nope. Not in my opinion. It would be far worse to send a youngster to shower solo at some public venue. What is BM thinking would be a better alternative?
BM needs to get over herself since this is a non-issue.
You're playing with fire.
You're playing with fire. Mom could file an abuse case against you. More than likely, it will be unfunded, but why take that chance?
As a mother would have an issue with what you are doing. I wouldn't call CPS,(unless it continued after I spoke to you about it) but I would flip out.
If there isn't a family room for dad and the kid to use, just let her shower at home.
Not worth the appearance of
Not worth the appearance of impropriety...Stop doing it. I understand it is not an issue for you, but it would be for me as well as BM.
I think this is the ticket,
I think this is the ticket, keep your suit on when you rinse or take her in then rinse her and return her to your DH so you can rinse with no clothes on.
I also think the reason you think this is okay is maybe because you have never been divorced with kids. I could be totally off in my presumption but I don't even have any kids and if I found out someone that I didn't know got naked in front of them it would send me off the deep end.
End of the day, no matter what she isn't your kiddo, no matter it you have been there from start to the end.
I guess I should start off
I guess I should start off with I am a CPS worker. I am more worried about wondering if she is trying to cause trouble because she loves doing that. I can't have her go by herself theres too many weirdos. We go to the lake and I am not gonna chance swimmers itch. Sometimes I just want to scream at BM and tell her to stop thinking about how she feels which is jealousy and just understand that I am trying to do the best for SD who I love very much. I have a daughter of my own who is a couple months old. I do try to think about it from her point of view but it comes down to where I rather have a step parent love my child and care about them then hate and resent them. I am not going to treat her differently then her sister/my daughter. I come from a house with step parents and I know how hurtful that can be to have someone treat you differently and feel less loved. Legally she has nothing I know this. I have my masters in SW and am a CPS worker. I just don't know how to address someone who never thinks she is wrong.
You can do all of that
You can do all of that without being naked in front of a child that isn't yours. :?
There are plenty of single dad's out there with little girls. They manage to figure these issues out without putting others at risk
There's no reason why dad can't handle this.
I think your DH needs to
I think your DH needs to reach out to the mother to ask her exactly how she wants your DH to handle it and go from there.
I have multiple step parents and never saw any of them naked. Not saying that there is anything wrong with seeing others naked but I think there is a reason behind it>>> this exact situation.
Can she be rinsed off with a water hose or bottled water? I'm not sure if it is jealousy or the fact that you think because her ex husband knows you, loves you and has mentally checked you off as a "safe" person in his mind that this means the BM should as well. That usually is not how things work in step world.
Since you are a CPS worker
Since you are a CPS worker and know the rules/laws, you have a few options;
- Ignore the BM. Let her rant, don't respond. (it seems cruel, but meh, she'll never be satisfied with your reasoning's, and you really don't OWE her any explanations as to why you guys do what you do on your DH's time, if it's within the law and works for you guys, BM can STFU)
- Send her info proving y'all aren't breaking any rules/laws. (your DH should send an email or snail mail), that she can't argue with YOU GUYS, if it's state guidelines or whatever, she can take it up with them.
If you're dealing with a type who never thinks they're wrong, you are NEVER going to be able to get through to them. People like her are character disordered, they are wired differently and do not live by society norms. The best you can do, is feel confident with the choices you and your DH make and ignore BM.
Even if she isn't breaking
Even if she isn't breaking any rules or laws, what she's doing isn't OK. Especially after one of the parents has requested that she stop doing it.
This may very well be a case of the OP not getting into trouble with CPS simply because she works for them.
I have a girlfriend who works for CPS here in NYC. I'm going to ask her if/how they police their own.
Mom's request is reasonable and normal, even if her delivery sucks. The OP's actions are unreasonable.
I'm a BM, have no issues of
I'm a BM, have no issues of my BD (now 13) had ever seen her SM naked while in changing rooms etc. In fact, I've been in changing rooms when she was younger and stared at other woman changing. I don't view it as a rude thing. If it were against laws, there would be NO SUCH THING AS PUBLIC CHANGING ROOMS. Fuck the BM!
The BM in question has an
The BM in question has an issue with it. It would be nuts to continue to do this once she has voiced her objections.
Opening the door for someone to claim you are molesting their kid isn't very smart.
There are other viable options. The kid can shower, then wait outside with her dad until SM is done.
No. Young one's a curious,
No. Young one's a curious, it's not a sexual thing for them.
LOL. You come across as a
LOL. You come across as a very angry person. And given the lines you have crossed with other members here (IRL), your moral compass and sense of what is right and wrong in this world, is very messed up. Honestly, YOU clearly have no respect for other's rights! So all of that ^^^^ You are just blowing smoke! your views are meaningless to me.
I grew up with a swimming
I grew up with a swimming pool in the backyard. There were also trips to the lake. I don't understand the current obsession with showering the moment you step out of the water. Nothing bad happened to us. You can drive home all the way from the lake in a wet suit under some cutoffs and be just fine. Since you obviously don't want to do that, you can also just change clothes and save the shower for when you go home. Heck, I go to kids swim parties now and get in the water and never occurred to me to ask the hostess for a shower before I leave.
Ultimately, I would certainly let bm have her way on this. It is soooo not worth the trouble of being right. You and dh take turns. One waits at the pool with the kid while the other does the shower then handoff the kid and the other showers.
Just so you all know, in
Just so you all know, in Minnesota, it is illegal to take a child older than 3 to a different sex changing/dressing area. So, in Minnesota, your DH could not take his daughter into the men's dressing room/area. There may be such guidelines in other states. Actually, the DH taking her into a man's dressing room at age 5, would be a much bigger farce. What a joke that anyone would think it is wrong for you to take a child you have been with since 1 years old into a same-sex dressing area. But, at least now you've been given a heads-up on what a possessive-meister the BM is, which means the BM is going to be probably be tainting the well against you with her daughter, if she hasn't already. Yep, she is one of those BMs who didn't expect her husband to marry and move on so quickly. So, you're going to be paying the price for that. Look ahead, and protect yourself.
Or he could step up and take
Or he could step up and take on the responsibility himself instead of dumping it on SM.
Why can't the kid shower when they get home?
I find it absolutely amazing
I find it absolutely amazing that people freak out when a father lays in bed with his child, but 5hink it's fine for a SM to be naked around her stepkid.
I don't even agree that the
I don't even agree that the BM gets final say in this. DAD is the other PARENT, EQUAL to BM. During HIS PARENTING TIME, HE has the responsibility and RIGHT to final say in the situation.
He knows his partner, and if he feels his BD is not in a dangerous position, then that's his call. BM gets to step in WHEN laws are being broken and abuse IS taking place.
Not quite the same thing, but our BM drives round with SD5 (in her booster) in the front passenger seat, SO looked into it, no laws, only recommendations, talked to lawyer, he was told "BM isn't breaking any laws, you can talk to her, but at the end of it, it's HER DECISION where SD sits in car on her parenting time.
So yeah, parent who's parenting time it is, has final say. The DH in this situation needs to consider the BM, discuss it with OP, but HE gets to decide where to from here.
Google Penn State and Jerry
Google Penn State and Jerry Sandusky regarding showering with children who are not your biologically.
When the Sandusky problem
When the Sandusky problem first became public knowledge there were lots of comments on social media about the inappropriateness of showering with children who are not your own.
My, not so well stated point, is that in most of American society people look askance when someone showers with a child not biologically theirs.
Thank you everyone for your
Thank you everyone for your advice. I will say that some of your were very rude and I hope that your life is perfect and has no challenges. To attack someones career or their choices is very rude. I expected this topic to be somewhat controversal however, I never thought that people would attack. Thank you everyone for your advice. It was appreciated.
Oh for crying out loud. Just
Oh for crying out loud. Just because some of us think what you're doing is crazy, doesn't mean we have perfect lives.
I find it so odd that so many
I find it so odd that so many of you have never used a public shower and seen other naked women. At my gym there is only a communal shower, the same at the pool I grew up going to.
We've been to a few tourist hot pools and they all have communal showers too.
Kids there see lots of naked women. It's no problem.
LOL I find the other side of
LOL
I find the other side of the coin odd. My gym has 5 individual stalls. Each stall has a curtain.
There's a family room between the women's and men's locker rooms.
There's even a separate area in the women's locker room for kids.
It's sad that we live in a
It's sad that we live in a world so upset and shocked by nudity.
She's at a public pool and she's showering! There is nothing wrong with that. The 5 year old is just waiting for her to finish and get dressed.
To bring up Sandusky is horrible. He was predator and the fact that he was in a shower is not the same as this woman and her SD. In fact the most sickening part of the whole Sandusky thing was how he was protected. The guy who caught them in the shower should have walked right in and taken Sandusky out.
We were in the Mayan Riviera, south of Cancun at a resort full of Europeans. 20% - 30% of the women on the beach were topless. All sizes, all shapes, all ages. At first in my head, I shamed some of them, Yikes she should not be topless LOL and then I thought I do not want my teenaged boys to see this!! Then I realized what I was doing.
It's just a body, some are lovely to look at, some not so much but it's just a vessel. And as far as my boys went, well at first they were curious, then they were embarrassed, then they didn't care.
We talked about it and they both said, what's the big deal? They're just boobs!
It wasn't a topless beach. It
It wasn't a topless beach. It was a resort that had lots of Europeans.
I wasn't about to keep them off the beach! And it's not about shaming it's about not being comfortable with nakedness. It's about making everyones bodies sexual and reacting to that sexuality. A body can just be a body. Honestly, some of the older ladies looked just like their husbands, minus the hair around the nipples. And the old guys were wearing teeny tiny speedos! Some were hard to see under the belly!
Your sons might surprise you. Mine were 16 and 19 and were just fine. It opened a dialogue and I learnt a lot about my kids and how they think. They are much more open minded and care a lot less about things than I do. Funnily enough they say that they got it from me. That I've taught them to look at both sides and to not assume that the way they think is necessarily the right way.