So a quick background....I have a BS4 and SD8. SD had been with me since infancy, BM was awful from the beginning.
SD was the product of a one-night-stand with a stripper. BM drank and did drugs during pregnancy.And flaked out on mommyhood after only a couple weeks. BM stole SD identity, kidnapped her for 6 months, lost custody, never paid cs and had no part of her life at all. Well, a year ago, my BD commited suicide. It has turned my life upside down. BD and I never married as we couldn't afford it and shortly after the kidnapping we began fighting more. We are all heartbroken and greif stricken. BD left custody of my SD to his mom. Which has caused more issues for us. But because of the on-going cs court case that had been going on between BD and BM over the SD, the lawyers had to notify BM of BD's passing. Awful BM
saw this as her opportunity to strike and took custodial grandma (cg) to court and was given joint custody. (Which in itself is just disgusting). And BM decided that she would put me in the custody agreement as excluded from contact and dumb*** cg signed it anyway out of fear that BM would try to take full custody. But theres the short version of how we got here.
So here is my current disappointment. Yesterday was the 1 yr anniversary of BD's passing. And as this was excruciating for myself and BS, we planned a balloon and dove releasing ceremony with close friends and family. We had all of the kids who knew him sit together and they all drew him pictures and wrote him letters which we tied to the balloons and wrote messages on the balloons and my son released doves to his Dad. But I was so upset during the invitation process. That when we asked cg to have SD here, she told us "I would love to have her there but I just dont think I can do that because BM will flip out". So my kids were separated on the hardest day they have had since their dad's passing. They were not even allowed to talk to one another and cg did absolutely nothing for SD. Cg has not provided SD with any therapy ro counceling and when I have offered to drive 45 mins away tpo pick her up to take her to the several different support groups and councelors my son sees, she has told me that she doen't think that SD needs any counceling because she is dealing just fine. (oh you know aside from failing school, being held back, getting suspended...lol, yes she is delaing just fine.
But I am infuriated at the court systems as well as at the individual people who have control over what is supposidly "best for SD". How anyone could think for half a second that not being with her brother yesterday not abusive or detrimental, is just beyond me. And why BM should have any say over what SD does in during her time with cg? How can she just decide without any proof that I should be excluded from contact and how that can keep SD from participating in events that involve the passing of her father? I am just very stuck and I really do not know what to do. I am very afraid of what will happen to my SD if this continues to go on this way. How will she grow up with the loss of her dad, the only mom she ever knew and her brother in the same day, and have no one see that she needs a lot of therapy for her young mind to develope normally with such large amounts of trauma. But what can I do to help her? Where can I turn to have someone who has a brain cell see what horrible tings are happening to my SD? I have researched psycholgical parents and de facto parentis but these are not doctrines or statues in my state. I have thought about contacting social services on both cg and bm saying that they are negalgent and abusive to the emotional and mental needs of SD by not providing her the help she needs. What can I do?