Thank you for reminder. I appreciate it.

A.

I rarely think of SD but sometimes the strangest thing can bring back one of the many memories of her hatefulness. This morning, there was a program on TV about a photographer who travels the world, capturing the beauty in photos. SD was an avid photographer, very talented in it, which I am not. She was also snobbishly elitist about it, treating me like an inferior, childlike dolt who would never fathom the level of her class and intelligence.

Despite her demonstrations of superiority, I always knew we had the same IQ. Ordinarily, one would look upon SD's misconception of herself and just shrug. But there were times when she became aware that I knew something she didn't. She became violent, would slam doors in my face, yell at me, place me farther into non-existence.

This recollection only reinforced my decision that I did the right thing in taking her out of my life.

You bring up society's view of a SM, and how far off it is from what is a typical SM. Society has always had a scapegoat. If this were the middle ages, if it hadn't been for the heretic, being a SM would probably be justification for being burned at the stake. But this is what many of us have experienced for just being there - in the way. Today we may not be physically torched but emotionally we are. It gets tiresome.

I think I agree with what you are saying. But because I married a man with children later in life I do not claim the role of SM at all. I have no delusions of a "blended" family.

My birth family has always been very inclusive - taking in friends of relatives;etc so it's not like I have any thoughts of "not my blood." But I learned at an early age to ignore and avoid people who brought nothing good to my life.

My husbands son was grown, formed and on his own before I met him. His pathetic life is 100% due to his choices. I have zero responsibility for his life.

Standing ovation Peace!
You couldn't have written this at a more importune moment in my life.

SM? What's that?

That is not even on my list of descriptions of what I am. Never has been. My husband's 24 year old daughter was five when we got together; she had, and still has, a living mother. I was not needed, nor expected, to "step" in and do anything except be my husband's wife. That, I do quite well.

I understand that I am not important to my SDs. I understand that I am "less than" family, that my marriage is not really acknowledged by them or of any significance to them. I get that they will never come to me for advice, for friendship, for help. I've moved on from trying to fit in with them and from being hurt that they don't respect me.

My marriage is important to DH and it is important to me. I mean a great deal to many people, including my mother, my children, some of DH's relatives, my peers and my friends. I have a full life, a wonderful family, awesome friends and a great career.

I don't need verification from a couple of self-absorbed women who I wouldn't give the time of day to otherwise. They have baggage. They have emotional issues relating to their parent's divorce. Unfortunately, they were raised by an unbalanced woman and they haven't managed to rise above their upbringing. They are not all bad, they are just not the kind of people I would associate with if they weren't my husband's children.

I am civil for my husband's sake. I will never disrespect them like they have disrespected me. They are very childish at times, when they don't get their way. Otherwise, they are tolerable. But again, their issues are not mine.

Duplicate Post

Perfectly worded and only a step parent can truly understand.

This should be a letter to "Dear Abby" or another similar columnist. It's such an issue in todays society with the high divorce rate. Step mom's are everywhere and most of them disparaged in some way. Fairy tales and popular culture have all turned sm's into wicked evil figures.

As soon as I married DH over 3 years ago I was slapped with that label. All of a sudden I was the cause for all the ills in ss30's life and I was labeled a "gold digger" and trophy wife since I was younger than DH. No mention that BM's affairs broke up their marriage and that BM took DH to the cleaners and strapped him with an unreal timeline for alimony. Nope, it was all my fault that DH was in financial dire straights AND that ss30 was jobless and often couchless. I struggled with this for the first 2 years of our marriage, even contemplated becoming part of the 70% divorce rate for remarriage because this wasn't what I'd signed up for. Luckily I found a good counselor that told me almost exactly what you said and I began the process of setting good boundaries. The fits that were thrown by DH and ss30 just about ended our relationship but it was well worth it.

I no longer accept the title of SM, I'm just DH's wife. His grown sons are his, they're not my anything. THey've made that very clear and I"m ok with it.

Where do DH grand child fit in, SD makes me invisible to her child of 4 and never gave me a grandma name till she was 1-1/2 and she moved close and has withheld child from us both for 10 months now. DH says you cant blame the grandbaby and I don't but i have no relationship with her and no bonds. and now that our daughter is pregnant the SD is saying I am treating DD unborn baby better than her child, I am not sure how that is possible all I have done so far was announce the pregnancy.
SD child is 50/50 W/B says the N word, cusses and slap the crap out of DH across the face and when DH popped her behind SD got mad at him, she lets her child hit other kids and if they hit SD child back she says she will beat the crap out of them.
This girl thinks she and her child is entitled. SMH

I’ll just say that I’m a person who has always loved babies and critters.  There is nothing that grabs my heart and takes hold of it quicker than a baby or a puppy.  However, I just don’t feel that much for my own SGKs.  I just can’t.

Years ago, after a horrible, let’s piss on SM in public type incident, that seemed to come out of nowhere, I struggled with having my heart stomped on by SKs, and even my own DH played a role in it, to a degree.  A few years later, I made the decision, after working through a lot of it on this site, to disengage from my adult SKs on a certain level.  I let my DH know too.

A couple of years ago, both of my SKs wound up with children of their own, step-grandbabies for me.  I struggled with this quite a bit for over a year.  Initially, I couldn’t wait to see ‘em, bought ‘em gifts, supported my DH with the grandkids.  Yes, I did go a little overboard, but I also tried to be aware of where my heart or feelings were going with all of this.  I wondered, “Would this work out?,” “Would this somehow bring us all closer,” “How can I not love these kids to pieces—after all, I love all babies!,” etc.

Well, over two years and three grandbabies later, I now find myself still not wanting to really attend many family events (I still attend on occasion, if I feel OK with it).  It didn’t take much for the tide to turn with the SGKs, so to speak.  For instance, DH and I went to SD’s, and she tried to get me to babysit while she and DH and her husband all went out.  Next, DH and I met SS and his wife and kids at a local shopping mall, and I observed SS’s wife (whom I thought was more on-the-level), give me the evil-eye when I tried to play peek-a-boo with the kids in one of the stores.  Sure, I may have been a little loud, but shit!, who needs it.

Didn’t take much for those feelings of being used and judged to come rushing back.  And, I know kids will be inclined to believe 90% of whatever BM believes.  So, even at an early age, they’ll be believing I’m pretty much little more than G-pa’s ho.  No, the adult SKs won’t actually come out and say that, I don’t think, but they will imply it over and over, non-verbally and verbally with their kids.  So, as much as I love babies, I have no desire to continue to be used and judged by generations of family members from my DH’s side.  I’m done.

As a title? I mean potentially we can be a great blessing n resource to these kids. Afterall, most of our SKs are messed up because their parent/s messed them up.

On the bright side we can be so much for these kids if they would heal from their sick family dynamic. 

But the dynamics are so ingrained in them

I appreciate your post...thank you for the encouragement!!