You are right, there is nothing magical about turning 18. Legally, yes, they are adults and parents do not HAVE to house them anymore but I don't know anybody who has kicked their kid out on their 18th birthday.

I never hear this 18 and out mess until I started reading here. Heck, I never even heard of cleaning out kids rooms when they go off to college until I joined steptalk.

I think it's a way to try and keep sane if there appears to be an end in sight. I'm also counting down the years until SS turns 18, however realistically he probably will not be able to stand on his own 2 feet,what will most likely happen however is that SS may not want to be living 50/50 between BM & us anymore.If he ends up living with BM -good riddance-however as she is the type of person to kick him out the minute CS stops he will most likely end up here with us.In that case he will be treated as an adult,he will pay board (whatever he can afford it's the principle that counts he needs to learn responsibility even if it's an absolute pittance that's fine by me) and he will be responsible for his own washing,room cleaning ect.Like any lodger really,if this doesn't go down too well he is more than free to leave.I will not get into arguements with DH over it however,or if DH wants to clean up after him that is fine too,but it won't be me.I've lived in enough house shares in my youth to know how to deal with pesky housemates.

The deal is that at 18, if you choose it to be, they are no longer your problem. Your call. Of course decent kids who comply with family and household behavioral standards can remain in familial good standing and if you and their dad are amenable may even be able to stay in a position to receive family support and family provided resources.

But at 18 or HS graduation whichever is later if the kid is adequately performing in school, you nor any parent are obligated to provide shit for nothin if you choose not to.

When my SS graduated from HS at 17 his mom and I gave him the summer until his 18th birthday on our time and our dime to sow his oats. When he turned 18 at the end of the summer following graduation he had a choice, be in college or get a job. We told him clearly that we would pay the full meal deal mom and dad scholarship at any school he wanted to go to and could get accepted at. He was clear. He did not think he was ready to study and told us that it would be a waste of his time and our money. So we said "GET A JOB!!!" He was not interested. So we gave him a job. He was our beck and call boy/chore bitch. We worked that kid's ass off. He scrubbed bathrooms, sinks, toilets, floors, windows, base boards, fences, brick, garage floors, scraped, painted, prepped, cooked, weeded, cut, trimmed, washed, dried, folded, put away, polished, etc... and then it did it all over again. 8 hours a day, 5 days a week except for cooking and cleaning the kitchen. Those he did 7 days a week. When we went out to dinner, he could go with us, when we went on a weekend trip, he could go with us. But, during work hours he worked or he was left on the front step in his sleepwear until we got home from work. That got the point across. If he did not get each and every chore he was assigned on the chore calendar every day, he was out of the house when we left for work and he could not have his key. If he did get his chores done then he could retain access to the house though the cable TV and internet were switched off when his mom and I left the house for work and it stayed off until we got home.

So, in answer to your question. IMHO a parent owes nothing to an 18yo or older kid. Nothing is what they get until they earn it to parental expectations and standards. Unless that kid complies with the established behavioral expectations of the home and family and the stipulated performance requirements for that now "adult" kid to retain access to the family home and resources. No compliance ....... then the kid can GTFO and figure it out on their own.

Skids or BKs, there is no difference in expectation or compliance. The difference is that the discussion in regards to Skids is between the SParent and the BioParent of the Skid, for the BK, no further discussion is required if the BP says their spawn is out then the spawn is out. For a Skid, there is a greater requirement for discussion since a Sparent should be very wary of uniformly booting a Skid when the Skid turns 18.

With my Skid he decided that being our unpaid live in chore bitch was not to his liking so after 4ish months he enlisted in the USAF on delayed entry until his USAF specialty opened up and he reported to BMT 4mos after enlisting. He remained our beck and call boy/chore bitch until his reported to the MEPS to ship out for basic. We did buy him a new car as a combo HS graduation/18th b-day/enlistment/Christmas present in Dec of that year. He reported to BMT in April of the following year.

We did not kick him out and we did not tolerate him riding sofa rodeo in our home doing nothing. He clearly learned that he had responsibilities to himself and the household that he could either step up and engage on what he wanted to do (school or work) or failing that what we demanded of him.

He finished year 4 of his initial 6 year USAF enlistment in the Spring, turned 23 at the end of the summer, just got his line number for promotion to E5, and is working on his BS in a slow but steady manner. All in all our plan and motivation strategy for him is working out just fine. }:) In late breaking news he just got notification that he will be mobilized for a deployment. He can't say to where or what he will be doing. Top Secret and all. But he assures us that it is not to a dangerous location and that he will get a great tan. As a computer geek it is not likely that he will be anywhere particularly dangerous. At least that is our hope.

Parents often forget that they are not in the parent business to make their kids happy, to be their kid's buddy or BFF, but that they are responsible to themselves, their children, and society to raise their children to viable adulthood. So if it takes 18 and out to make happen, then that is what a parent's responsibility is. For some kids it may not be a viable or necessary option, for others it may be the only thing that clearly delivers the message that the kid is responsible for their own decisions and performance.

All IMHO of course.

For us it's not when Chucky stops needing. It's the magic age jabba can no longer screw DH. The kid I think will need financial aid another 2 years while we sort him out a trade.

I don't think it's fair to compare what life was like when we were 18 (that was over 25 years ago!) College costs have gone through the roof, and if you've paid any attention, you know it's not paying off. I got my 4 year degree at what just one year costs these days. I've told my kids they are welcome to stay home to save money while taking college courses and/or working. If they get a full ride they can go where that takes them. But they know I won't have money for college, so they will have to get scholarships and put themselves through (I would not encourage a loan at this point). So if they can save a few hundred a month on rent, then I can at least do that for them.

But I'm not married. Nor do I see any benefit at this point to bringing someone into our lives that will dictate how this is all going to go down. I think it's crazy to marry or remarry when you have kids. Just crazy. And I learned this from you all. I only come here to remind myself of why I'm still single. And I feel sorry for you all...I was a stepmom once and men who have never been a step have no idea what they are getting themselves into. It just isn't worth it. But good luck, seriously, I should pray for you guys LOL

Most are not saying kick them out of your life at 18 no matter what. But that at 18 you have an option that did not exist earlier.

Who in their right mind wants to allow a lazy filthy obnoxious person with no job to sit on their ass in their home while they have to take care of them? At 18 you are no longer obligated to feed and shelter assholes in your home.

dup

It usually takes a couple of years for them to move out and even then, they will still have the ability to create drama. Unless they PAS out.

What is PAS?

When my step-son turned 18 and finished high school, he moved in with his mother full-time (rather than continuing to split his time in half between the two houses). At that point, there was no longer a joint custody arrangement. 3 1/2 years until SD can do the same. Oh yes, I am definitely counting on it!

Oh, we still see him. He usually comes over for dinner once a week and sometimes he and his dad walk dogs together. His mother's house is within walking distance of our house. And we all get along just fine, now that he's out of the house.

As DH pays for everything for the SKs (15 and 13) and BM pays nothing (NOT ONE FRICKING BEAN AND NEVER HAS)we are financially cutting both of them off when they reach 18 or leave high school, whichever is the later date. As DH has paid for everything since their birth, if BM wants to step up and pay for them, then that is up to her. DH is DONE once each of them reaches this point. My sanity is hinged on this happening. I have discussed with DH how happy I will feel to end the payments once and for all, cut health insurance, EVERYTHING. What I am looking forward to the most is BMs war cry and shocked response when this happens. AHAHAHAHA I hate that whining money grabber something rotten.

We never kicked SS-23 out of our home. In fact we purposely physically picked him up from his last CO'd Sperm Clan visitation a few days after his 18th birthday. He asked his mom and I if he could stay an extra week and have his bday in Sperm Land with the Sperm Clan. We of course agreed. But....we wanted to damned sure force him to tell us face to face if he chose to stay in Sperm Land after his 18th birthday.

We picked him up at Sperm GrandHag's place, no drama. A few days later after some time with my IL clan we started an epic three of us road trip through OR, NV, Utah, AZ, NM, and TX stopping at some very cool places. Early on that trip he got a bit quiet and eventually asked if we had thought he was going to tell us that he was not coming home. We told him that we had some concerns about that possibility. His response was something along the lines of .... I know where my home is, who wmy family is, and where I belong mom and dad. I know I frustrate you sometimes but with you as parents I couldn't be that stupid.

Nearly 5 years later he asked me to adopt him. After he had launched, established a progressing career, and had worked through his struggles with how he fit into the Sperm Clan.

18 and out should be a considered process developed for use with specific kids if that makes the most sense based on that kid's needs, behaviors, and what it will take to movitate them to take the right steps toward self supporting viable adulthood.

IMHO of course.

It depends. Our stepdaughter moved out at 18 to go to school. So, that definitely made things better for me. However, it brought on a whole new set of problems.

I can only share my situation... my husband and I got married when the SS was 16. All the stories were "we only have two more years before we can live on our own, save for our retirement and he will be off to college paying for himself".

Last lasted until the first pre-Freshman year tuition was due. My husband hadn't saved a penny. The kids Uncle picked up the first semester "just to help out". Bless his heart he didn't expect us to pay it back. Second semester Daddy (my husband) who at the time was UNEMPLOYED paid tuition with all of his unemployment before he paid the mortgage. As the only breadwinner you know where the rest of tuition came from (me). After that he shortly announced that "he" was paying for ALL of college "come hell or high water". I was not consulted and I am left paying the remainder of the household bills that he can't pay because tuition gets paid before all else. Because my husband had recently received a significant pay hike, I figured I could live with it. He has now received a 3/5 pay cut and its time for tuition to be paid again. I know the fighting will begin soon.

I'm not making any suggestions on what you should do. Just understand that 18 is NOT a magic number. And, though I do not believe my husband intentionally lied to me (though my family members disagree to the point that they are largely estranged) he didn't want to say "no" to his child and didn't want to say "no" to me. When the rubber hit the road, he is 48yo with less than $2,000 in retirement. So, all I'd say is know what you may be up against.

Hope for the best but prepare for the worst... don't be surprised if you get it. I did.

Things definitely changed when my youngest SS turned 18.  He had grown up being able to maninpulate his mother into giving into whatever he wanted or demanded.  When he was a minor, he used that status to intimidate my wife (his mom) and to get his way.  If she didn't do what he wanted, he would go into rages and become really abusive, knowing that his mother wouldn't make him leave.  He would threaten to go and live with his dad if she wouldn't give him what he wanted.  My wife took years of abuse from him before she and I were together.  I came into the picture when he was about 15 1/2, and that treatment of his mother came to a screeching halt.  I refused to stand aside and watch him treat my wife like that.  When we'd try to hold him accountable for something, he'd eventually leave to live with his dad.  When things with his dad blew up, he'd want to move back with us.  This happened a few times, him bouncing  back and forth to avoid responsibility for anything.  Things eventually got so bad that we wouldn't allow him back in the house, even though he wasn't 18 yet.  He was just too dangerous to be around.  When he gets angry, he loses control of himself. He's gotten violent, putting his fists and feet through the walls when asked to mow the grass, for example.  He spent most of the year between his 17th and 18th birthday in a boarding home out of state.  He was essentially in state custody until his 18th birthday because he turns life upside down wherever he is at.  No one, family or otherwise, could handle living with him for very long.  He needed help, but wouldn't accept any and would fight like hell to avoid it.  He'd dropped out of school, wouldn't work, had no ambition to get his driver's license, developed a pretty serious drug problem, and was generally horrible to be around. 

After he turned 18, he found out pretty quickly that he no longer held the cards.  He couldn't use being a minor to try to force his way into people's homes anymore.  He surfed a few couches until he had worn out every welcome he had.  His older brother couldn't handle living with him.  He lived with some of his druggie buddies in a camp for part of a year - no job, car or anything.  Spent every day getting high.  About a year ago, he texted me that he was on a bus headed back to our house.  He was roughly 19 at the time.  I told him if he brings any drugs through our door, I am calling the cops.  He'd posted pictures of himself using drugs all over the internet, so I knew what he was into.  He blew up at me.  He told me that he is my wife's kid.  I'm just the piece of shit she married.  He said that she knows she can, and has seen her, do better than me.  He ridiculed me about my mother being dead.  I finally washed my hands of him for good.  My wife and I got into the biggest fight we ever had.  I told her that if she keeps expecting me to go along with her son turning our lives upside down and to continue taking his abuse, then I can't take it anymore.  We'll have to figure out how to end things.  She finally understood what her son had been doing to us, and that we were on the brink of divorce.  He showed up on the bus, and stayed at a friend's house.  He was there for about 2 months.  I didn't see him or say a word to him while he was here.  I won't have him around my younger sons.  My wife went to visit him, but he never came into the house.  I wasn't willing to lose being able to see my kids by allowing a violent drug addict into the house.  I blocked his phone number, and blocked any connection to him on social media.  I haven't seen him for about 3 years, and have had no contact with him at all for a little over a year.  My wife deals with him.  He doesn't come into the house.  He doesn't contact my kids.  I've made it crystal clear, to him and my wife, that I am done putting up with any of his abuse.  He's spent about a year in an addiction/mental health treatment center in California.  He's still there now.  I really don't have any contact with him now, and life is much more peaceful.  I think my wife finally grasps the kind of person her son is, and that those around him don't deserve his abuse.  He's responsible for the decisions he makes, and the consequences of those decisions.  It isn't my responsibility to step in to save her kid from ever having to face the ramifications of his actions.  That isn't what I signed up for.     

But when they finish highschool parents give them 2 options (go to college/university or get a fulltime job). If you don’t know what you want to study just yet then you work fulltime if you want to live at home. Often you are required to pay $50-100 per week board and the reason for this is parents teaching their kids responsibility in managing finances and that mum cooking dinner, your laundry being done, house tidied up, electricity/water/phone and internet bills all cost money and you are expected to contribute.

this helps teach young adults that they don’t freeload, they don’t guilt parents to provide for free and pamper and cater to their every whim. They are motivated from the start to work hard, succeed in life and contribute which helps teach empathy.

this is how i was raised, my parents divorced when i was almost 18, they never remarried, my dad even let us move back home when mum had her stroke because we knew with renting a place and having to care for mum we’d be looking at sacrificing university studies and a fulltime job and dad didn’t want us sabotaging our future. He went out of his way to help us and our sick mum.

i married my husband when ss was 15.5 years old, he went to college about 5-6 months after our first child was born and university about 3 months after my son was born. The whole time he never got a job, just stayed in his room playing computer games and sleeping and dumping his trash on kitchen floor next to the bin and often ants came because of this. This whole time hubby left a stash of $20 notes in the tv cabinet where ss helped himself to buy takeaway food every day despite their being food here at home and me cooking dinner.

he was raised on crap food like mcdonalds and plain white rice and a fried chicken growing up by his lazy arsed mum who did the bare minimum. 

Once he started uni hubby told him to open a bank acct, when his eldest 2 were in uni hubby put $1000 per month as pocket money to help pay for textbooks, food and whatever essentials. After 1 yr ss mesaged his dad to say he’s buying a ps4 from this pocket money for uni. Hubby said it was a total waste of money and wasn’t happy about it as thats money for essentials. Ss still bought his ps4.

When he had 3 months after finishing college till starting uni which was when our son was born, hubby told him he was expected to help with our daughter, meaning play with her, care for her etc as i’d be busy with a newborn. He claimed he couldn’t as he’d applied for a job at kfc (his favourite junkfood takeaway place), hubby was shocked because he’s never been able to do any chores at home yet he wants to work in fast paced kfc cooking, cleaning and serving people?? 

KFC never called him for an interview and he sat in his room all day playing games and sleeping. Many moments where my son was being breastfed all day long it felt and my daughter was watching cartoons and hungry but i simply couldn’t get up and she’d see her half brother go to the kitchen to get his food, she’d be looking happy thinking yay someone is getting me food but he’d ignore her.

my husband and the exwife have raised 3 useless self centred arseholes. They have not changed and i doubt ever will. I hold hubby accountable all the time because he helped enable this behaviour and never followed theough with repercussions

hubby feels guilty kicking ss20 out of home because he has no respect for our home or anyone residing in it and treats us disrespectfully and uses it like a pitstop. 2 months ago hubby had to do a crash course in nipping this in the butt and said to ss enough is enough, your imaginary stress syndrome everytime i ask you to be decent and respectful, your excuses for everything, asking you to do chores is just ridiculous. He hasn’t been home in almost 8 weeks. He should have been home already as supposed uni breaks, but he hasn’t contacted hubby

hubby has completely disengaged and insead of his usual messages every few days to both sd22 & ss20, hubby refused to waste time sending any messages on whatsapp to check up on them. Why the sudden change? I told hubby to actually think back when those kids ever bothered to check up on him, make the effort to call or message him to see how he and us are doing, to say happy birthday or new years. Absolutely never was his answer. So why is it you revolve your whole life around theirs messaging them constantly and further enabling and encouraging their “we’re the centre of your world complex and everything is about me” mentality. Thats when hubby realised they’ve been abusing him and only contacting him when they need favours, money or to remins and guilt dad on paying child support. Yes sd22 lectured dad after 6 years disappearance cutting off contact with him that hubby never end the child support payments to her because she and bio mum take care of financial expenses of sd13. Hubby has always paid child support, bio mum does not pay anything out of her own pocket, it is all hubby. 

The next thing hubby is working towards, is his guilt cutting off any allowances to sd22 & ss20 because they are disrespectful, ungrateful, self centred spoilt brats. Sd 22 finished her degree 2 months ago.

hubby has only told me he intends for 3 kids with ex to continue paying $1000 per month when they are in uni and potentially the 1st year they get their graduate job before cutting them off. I have told him the way the 2 eldest have behaved that if he were to end the financial support after they graduate, they’d be in a hissy fit claiming hubby abandoned them for our 2 kids aged 1.5 & 3. Meanwhile bio mum has not paid anything out of her own pocket for these kids and the 2 sd think the world of her, hibby is the baddy despite being the only responsible one. How did that happen. 

Pretty sure the narcissistic bullshit she spits out of her arse and brainwashed the kids with