This probably should go in a blog...

But anyway....I really do think there are step situations where your actions, good or bad, really have so little influence on how your skids will view you, or visa versa great or awful step-kid actions have little influence over how a step-parent is going to feel about them...so much seems to depend on the bio-parents and how they treat the step-parent and/or the step-child and really that is what seems to be the biggest behavioral influence of them all

Example: my DH has two daughters. When I met them I was genuinely fond of them both, and very much wanted good relationships with them. I found DH's elder daughter easier in those early days, she seemed mature for her age, she had interests I shared, she seemed to like me back, so many reasons that I found it so damn easy to be the best most caring step-mom (one I would have loved to have had!) I can honestly say that while no one is perfect, I really truly was wonderfully good to that girl and it was not effort, I liked her and it came easy

Yet this same girl after the initial 'honeymoon phase' made it clear she absolutely despised me. She is the one that actively worked on destroying the relationship DH & I had. She is the one that is bitter, revengeful, jealous and disrespectful. She is the one who made it clear I am simply "his" (meaning her dad's) wife. We're introduced to people as "this is my Dad" and then after a pause "and his wife" let alone ever thank me or show an ounce of appreciation for all the many many things I've unselfishly and gladly done for her over the years

BM once said to me that there was nothing I had ever done to create the problems with SD, and there was nothing I could do to fix it, it was between her and her father. And yes, I would have to agree that is very true!

My younger SD on the other hand was the one I had to work harder at. While I enjoyed the girls coming over initially, when it ended up just being YSD visiting, I began to dread her weekends. DH drove me nuts with his guilty daddy parenting and treating me like a second-class citizen when she was around, insisting I be there for every minute of her weekends then having their daddy/daughter alone time while I'm in the same space days on end etc.. etc... It was like he felt if he assured her she was #1 (over me) he would score bonus points with her, but it ended up that sometimes if felt there was a competition between us, and I was always sure she felt it too. I worked hard at never letting her see how much I resented that situation and reminded myself constantly it was DH ticking me off and not her, yet worried she felt I was a jealous evil SM, certainly I have felt a little bad over the years that although I tried really hard with her I perhaps didn't give her her full due

And yet this one is the one that proclaims her devoted love for me, says I'm the best and most sweetest SM ever, like another Mom to her, tells me weekly that she loves me, values all the many things I've done, gets the most thoughtful sweet Mother's Day cards and gifts for me, on and on

So why is that?

I think a lot of it depends on DH. His eldest daughter felt I replaced her with DH and forever was angry and bitter. She thinks it's me she is angry at but deep down, it is as BM said, she is angry at DH as she feels he 'dumped' her for me

YSD grew into the role of DH's favorite child (could never figure out why DH's eldest daughter thought I replaced her, her own sister did!) and perhaps because my YSD felt she was #1, or at least very loved, she didn't have all the anger issues at her Dad therefore I was easier for her to accept

And my challenges with her were really not with her - but more resentment towards DH for the way he treated me when she was around. It was very difficult and took away from my relationship with DH, and to some extent with YSD too

And yet in the end, the actions of DH's eldest daughter towards me DID dictate how I feel about her now (as detached as possible and no desire to change that)

And I truly enjoy YSD's company based on the love and respect I have come to receive from her

Just funny how all my hard work and kindness towards DH's eldest daughter, has never made a dent in her hatred for me!