SD bleeding her dad dry
Hi, I'm new here and so glad I found this site. I'm hoping I can receive some good advice for my problem. My fiancé has two daughters and a son. The middle daughter is the issue. She chose to attend a very expensive, private college all the way across the country. She ended up receiving way less financial aid because her mother chose not to list child support on daughter's FAFSA, it was kicked back and aid reduced when officials found out. Her mother initially agreed to help with tuition, then went back on her word. My fiancé ended up paying ALL the tuition costs, to the tune of several thousand dollars.
That would be fine - IF he could afford it! I thought for sure when the daughter came home for the summer, he'd tell her she cannot go back because he can't afford it. NOPE! Didn't happen. Furthermore, this girl, who agreed to help pay because "this is the only school I feel I belong" STILL is not working, and has no intention to, because she knows daddy will pay. Only worked 7 hours a week over the summer. No job on campus even though she qualified for work study. His Ex still isn't contributing.
Because of this, my fiancé has cashed in his 401K, took a second job cutting grass, and sends every red cent to her at school. He lost his job for several months last year - couldn't pay rent or utilities on our place (I had to pay it all) but still managed to pay her tuition.
Am I wrong to be resentful about this? I am worried about his financial future, credit report, retirement fund, and OUR future - new place to live, our wedding, etc.
I have to add this as well - my biological children pay their own schooling. I was honest with them that I can't afford it and neither can their biological dad. So in return, they can live at home and I will make sure they have good meals, a place to study, help with laundry, gas, whatever I can. But I won't /can't pay tuition. My biological daughter, who is a year older than his, pays her tuition, attends full-time, works almost 30 hours a week, buys her own gas and entertainment expenses. I pay her insurance and cell phone. She chose to attend junior college and get her gen Ed's out of the way at a way cheaper cost. She will transfer to a 4 year college in the future.
In addition, his daughter constantly posts about frat parties, smoking weed, etc. I went to college myself and understand the experience, but I find it truly disrespectful of her. It's almost as if she's shouting "I can do whatever I want, my daddy will pay for me to party HA HA!" A little harsh, but that's how it seems to me.
Also, he has cried poor to his parents several times, and they have given him money to pay for stuff like medical bills (for himself, that he couldn't pay because he was spending it on her tuition) and now his siblings are upset about it because its unfair to them.
Any suggestions on a new approach? When I try to talk to him and say you need to take care of YOUR financial responsibilities first, then her tuition, he tells me don't you want your kids to do better than you? Or If you we're able to help your kids wouldn't you? Well...yes....so long as they were helping themselves also. His daughter is not learning the value of money or the sense of self-satisfaction of accomplishment.
Am I looking at this wrong? It's basically the only thing in our relationship that causes fights. Everything else is pretty minor. Any suggestions welcome! Thanks for hearing me out.
Any competent financial
Any competent financial advisor will tell you......do NOT co-sign for student loans, do NOT take out your 401K or a 2nd mortgage for your child's college.
Finances are one of the main reasons a marriage fails. You are enabling your fiance to pay for his daughter's education by paying for 100% of your living expenses together! STOP.THAT.NOW.
I don't care if my SO buys the Taj Mahal for his kids.....as long as his portion of the bills are paid and it's coming from his wallet, not mine.
Your fiance is telling you loud and clear that his daughter's extravagent tuition comes first. Before his AND YOUR financial future. Listen and believe him.
And don't marry him unless you want a lifetime of this.
We teach people how to treat us. You are teaching your fiance that you will pick up the slack for him.
I understand him wanting to
I understand him wanting to pay for his daughter to attend the college of her choice. I did the same thing for my son. He attended a private, out of state HBCU(my sister and I did the same). His dad and SM tried to talk him into attending college here in NYC or in NC where they live. (they also attended HBCUs). He stuck to his guns and I was behind him 100%
However, my son and I both knew his dad could not afford to really help with tuition. He paid a small amount one semester, purchased a lap top for DS and would send him money when he could. I paid the lion's share of the tuition and also had money direct deposited into his account every two weeks. I didn't not allow him to work during the school year, but he had to work during all school breaks.
While I can relate to what your DF is doing, I think he's dead wrong. He can not afford to do what this. If I were in your shoes, his ass would be out the door. He's tossing out all of that money because he knows you've got his back. Yank the safety net from under his feet, and he might stop. Wait, he won't stop unless his mom does the same.
I get him wanting to send his
I get him wanting to send his daughter to college but to send her to one that is beyond his means is just not smart. I mean, he cashed in his 401K? So, does he expect you to support him now and all the way through retirement?
I would be livid.
It's obvious he wants and
It's obvious he wants and intends to send his daughter to the University of Uppity. That's his choice. He can run himself broke doing it, if he wants to.
But YOU picking up HIS slack and paying his bills so he could do it was YOUR choice. You need to take YOUR ownership in this mess.
But YOU picking up HIS slack
But YOU picking up HIS slack and paying his bills so he could do it was YOUR choice. You need to take YOUR ownership in this mess.
^^^^I gotta agree with this, I would've never let it get this far. Not if he wanted to continue to live with me.
You are letting him get away with it. And he's okay doing this to you and your future. No way in hell would I marry this guy.
I wonder if it has occurred
I wonder if it has occurred to OP that *maybe* part of why she is there is so he CAN do this.
OP, if you fear that putting your foot down and insisting her pay his half of household expenses prior to her tuition will end the relationship.... well then I guess you have your answer.
New approach? I'd tell him
New approach? I'd tell him that him refusing to pay his portion of household bills is impacting your ability to assist Your children and since he's choosing to put his kid first, you need to do the same so if he can't pony up his share of the money so you can help your kids the same way he's helping his then you need to split households until he's done.
But frankly, I wouldn't want to live with or marry a guy that's willing to put his full financial burden on me so he can cater to an adult that doing nothing to help herself. Because I would foresee him doing the same for a wedding, for grandkids private school tuition, cars, college, etc. when a guy can do nothing but make excuses for fiscally irresponsible choices, I choose the door.
Exactly. It's a pattern of
Exactly. It's a pattern of behavior.
I'm willing to wager this is not the first time his parents have helped him out.
He's just another user/loser.
He's just another user/loser. You can do better.
What's with people not wanting their child to work while in college? Unless the student is mentally slow taking 15 hours a semester leaves plenty of time for part-time work.
Hell I managed to work 20+ hours a week when I was taking 21 hours (7 courses) and made a 4.0 with a difficult major at a challenging school. I'm really not all that smart (my IQ is not that much above normal) but I was a very hard worker.
She is not bleedng him dry.
She is not bleedng him dry. He is opening his own arteries and allowing her to feast on his life blood.
He needs to stop. Shit happens, things change, he needs to be done, she needs step up, he needs to give her a clear accounting of what he has paid VS what her mother has paid and tell his spawn to go back to the womb donor for the rest or better yet, step up and pay for it herself.
And.... you are facilitating, engabling, supporting, and tolerating this. You can fix it. So fix it.
IMHO of course.