BM threw a hissy fit yesterday morning over a holiday custody issue and randomly threw at us that sd6 is upset every time she goes back to BM because I have too many rules.

I knew this was coming at some point because sd6 proudly tells us and DH's mom that she gets away with murder at BM's house. As such, sd6 doesn't like being told what to do.

But the rules are house rules, not MY rules. The only rules that are "mine" are to spit your gum into you hand and put it in the garbage (was finding gum on the floor) or if there's no bag in the bin, put in in a Kleenex or piece of toilet paper (had to scrape off the side of the bin). I'm more of a conservationist that DH, but these were house rules when I was a kid... Don't run the water unnecessarily, don't leave the fridge door open, don't leave the outside door open, turn off lights when you leave a room, open your blinds if it's daytime.

I'm a monster apparently.

Sd6 was used to the onde parent dynamic and when the parent wasn't looking shed haul off and hit, kick, push, pinch and bite Ss9. First time I was there and caught her she was absolutely shocked by the fact she'd been caught and called out. She still thinks she can do these things when DH turns his back.

Sd6 has her bag of tricks but DH and I don't fall for them, and she can't get away with the things she gets away with at BMs. I saw her push her brother and then she went to the ground like a soccer player in crocodile tears. DH didn't see what happened but it was clear to him that Sd6 was facing to get Ss9 in trouble.

When asked to cleanup, Sd6 will con her way out of it and Ss9 will end up doing all the work. We've gotten to the point where we tell ss9 to stop after he's down his share and then she has to finish.

Notice WE, not me.

DH does 99% of the disciplining, because their his kids. But I have had them sit on opposite ends of the couch until they can calm down or reflect on whatever bad thing they were doing. It takes A LOT for me to get to that point though.

DH sent them to there room a few weeks back, it happens so rarely that sd6 had never been sent to her room before. I was upstairs and walked passed their rooms. Ss9 was sitting on the edge of his bed quietly waiting for DH to come talk to him. Sd6 was on the floor playing with her toys. I went in and nicely told her that she was in trouble and that it wasn't playtime, she had to sit on her bed like a time out. I went into the bathroom and when I came out ss9 was still sitting and sd6 was on her bed, with toys, playing. I took them away, again, and told her she couldn't play until daddy came up to talk to her. I told DH that ss9 deserved to be spoke. To first because he was properly waiting and sd6 was not and had to be spoken to twice.

Again, I'm a monster.

I think sd6's complaints about stem from dinner time, where it ends up being just her and me. But still, house rules. Sd6 takes FOREVER to eat, like 60-90min. She can't sit still, won't focus on her food, picks up one kernel of corn at a time, etc,etc,etc,etc. She has less food than all of us but takes 3-4 times as long. We tell her if she can't sit in her chair like a big guy, we're going to have to make her a seat belt like a baby (but we never have and never will, it's just psychology). We make them use their utensils, and there is no burping or farting at the table. Ss9 was afraid of chocking, so,we taught them that singing, humming and talking while eating can cause food to go down your wind pipe and that's when you're likely to choke - so no singing or humming at the table and no talking with your mouth full, which helped cure ss9's fear.

Might as well lock me up! I'm worse than a murder!

They don't get to complain about their food because a) it rude to the person who made the food and b) we're the adults who know what you need to eat. We attempt to make concessions - one likes broccoli and the other cauliflower, so we cook both and they get their preference but have to have a couple of the one they don't like. We have a saying - you eat what you like the least first and want you like the most last, because the thing you dislike will taste the best right after its cooked and not when it's cold. They get this, they don't always remember, but sd6 is especially proud of herself when she eats the icky things first, but she's unhappy when we make her put her fries down in favour of her meat and veggie.

Also, the rule is that you clear your plate. If you can't clear your plate you don't get a snack later - if you're too full to finish dinner, you're too full for a snack. But we don't force feed them, it they can't finish, then they know that if they ask for a snack, it's the food they didn't finish at their meal (reheating of course) - that day and even the next day until it's gone. They don't get a cookie if they didn't finish what's good for them.

The way our meals work is that DH and I finish first, then ss9 who heads up for a bath where DH oversees and does chores upstairs. I clear the table and clean up the kitchen. Sd6 is still eating. She tries to tell me stories and I tell her I'd be happy to hear her story as soon as she's done eating. Eventually she either eats everything, has leftovers for snacks, or sometimes has a meltdown where she's had her bath and gone straight to bed - but that's DH's decision

Oh, and I do make her eat her crusts. That's it, lock me up!!

Sd6 was sick last week and didn't eat a lot over the weekend. She'd been noticeably looking and sounding better, so we gave here 1/3 can of soup, a couple of crackers, some apple sauce and brown rice that the rest of us were having. Well, the rice was Uncle Ben like mommy makes, so she didn't want to eat it, BUT she needed the carbs. When DH and Ss9 were upstairs and I was cleaning up, I very gently and sweetly told her that her tummy needed her to eat the rice because she was sick and asked if she wasted me to heat it up again. She said yes, so I did and even put a little margarine and a dash of salt to make it a bit tastier. She still wouldn't touch it and started crying. DH came down and was having none of games, I quietly asked if I could give it another shot and he agreed. I got down on her level and rubbed her tummy and stroked her hair and told her again about how her body really needed her to eat in order to get better and even though she didn't like it, she really needed to eat those 4 little spoonfuls. I asked if she wanted me to help her, she said yes - now I normally begrudge feeding a 6 year old like a baby, but she NEEDED to eat. I got a spoonful and she opened her mouth and the second I pulled away the spoon she started to make like she was going to spit it all out. I cupped my hand under her chin to catch any so she didn't make a mess all over herself and catch any from falling back on her plate. I asked her not to spit it out and to chew and swallow and gave her her drink to help. LET ME STRESS THAT I DID NOT FORCE FEED HER - I WOULD NEVER DO THAT. When she swallowed what she had in her mouth I told her she could finish now and have her bath and come back down for a little TV or, she could go upstairs, have a bath, get on her pjs, and I'd put the rice in some more of the soup broth and she could finish it that way. She said okay to the latter and went upstairs. I rinsed the rice into a mug with some of the broth and heated it up. When she came back down she almost gleefully drink what I gave her and spooned out the rice - gone in about 2min.

Oh, I should mention that she'd spilled her drink on herself (which is so common that she should always be wearing a rain coat) but I told her that was okay because she was going to get in the bath and pjs soon (but soon end up being 30min).

So, what am I doing wrong here? It looks like the dinner rules are mine because I'm enforcing them on the back-end, but they're house rules. Should I have DH start following up on dinner or stand my ground?

We're in a new custody battle and I don't want to be a negative factor for DH.