Listen to your head. I had the dress, the venue and everything in place when I realized that I just could not go through with the wedding. BEST decision I ever made.

Oh, in my opinion, you may consider this forum a premarital counseling session for stepparents. Pre-cana class.

Sorry had to jump and say that, so now I'll go back to reading.

Read through a few of the blogs on here. Then show him the ones where the kids have turned out to be horrible, obnoxious adults and ask him if that's the kind of person he wants to raise.

I'm sure if you PM a few of the SMs on here they will give you stories that they haven't written on here. Then again ask him if those are the kind of adults he wants to raise.

Wow I am surprised that the 12 year old boy is giving you the worst time, I would have thought it would be the daughter.

I've been married over a year now and I have had a really hard time adjusting to this new life. I too am sick of being told that I knew what I was getting in to. No I didn't. And how many times will I not understand because I am not a parent yet? Luckily my mom has turned into a great person to talk to because she works with middle school kids so everything I say to her is nothing she hasn't heard.

I get anxiety the week before SS13 comes over. It's gotten better but I still dread the weekend. We can't ever make plans because SS will take up the entire weekend with sports.

I think the best thing that happened to me was getting a new hobby. I was given a sewing machine and started my first quilt back in June. It gives me an excuse to leave the house on the weekend and sew with my mom, or a need to go to the fabric store randomly for something. Honestly I had no idea I would even like sewing, but it's really fun and very time consuming.

What did your fiance say about your soon to be step son telling you that you guys didn't have his permission? My DH would whoop his ass so fast, I can't imagine SS13 talking like that. What a little shit!!

If I had a SS like yours, I would be leaving baby magazines and baby books randomly in the house just to see him get worked up, but that is really immature of me to say but I would just die laughing.

Our stories are similar. If I could go back, I would never marry my husband. He's a wonderful man who makes me very happy, but we have completely different parenting styles. He's a pushover and does everything out of guilt. He tries very hard to change, but he isn't consistent and easily manipulated by SD14 and SS10. We've lived together for 3 years, married for 1 and I've never felt so trapped or unhappy. Don't get to a point where you share a house and bills together, maybe even a dog, cat, or kid. You'll be stuck.

Things likely will not change from how they are now. You'll always feel that way before the kids come over. Divorces cost a lot more than what you've probably already spent on the wedding.

JDiddy, welcome. Don't marry this guy. I was in your shoes except we only had them EO weekend not 50/50 and the kids didn't blatantly speak out as yours do otherwise it was the same thing you describe...ass kissing, never saying "boo" for fear the kids wouldn't visit, no child accountable and here I am married for a few years and I still make myself scarce the weekends they are here.

I have grown to tolerate having to uproot myself for 36 hours every other weekend (and still resent my husband for allowing this to stay in a crappy state when it comes to his kids) but you cannot possibly do this for every other week.

Just go, there are plenty of men out there who don't have little shits for kids or who kept their balls in the divorce and actually parent. Find one of them.

I'm also brand new to this forum and this is my first reply on another post.

Someone above also mentioned - What's dh/bm relationship like? Can they sit down and get on the same page because it sounds like they treat her like poop also? If they can communicate (talk, email, lawyers if need be) then you all need to have a family meeting and tell skids that this will stop - the co is the co and until skids have jobs and money to pay for lawyers themselves, it won't change.
Having said that, dh/bm have to stick to their guns. The first cave and it's back to square one.

Has he talked with his lawyer? Can the kids actually do anything? I know at 12 here that the kids opinions begin to be taken more seriously, but someone has to get them in front of a judge for it to be heard. If dh/bm are being equally abused, then neither will want to start court proceedings again on the whim of these flippant blackmailers.

Have you sat dh down and really told him how deeply this is affecting you? That you love him dearly, but the wedding cannot happen if this continues. That you sympathize over the fact that he doesn't have his children all the time, but that doesn't give them the right to treat you all like slaves. This is not teaching them to be good people. It makes you miserable when they're with you and it can't keep going on. There's a point where we have to decide what makes us happy. Does dh alone make you happy enough to see any light at the end of the long tunnel? Are those days when it's just the two of you enough?

Do you have friends/interests that can get you out of the house when Skids are around? Although we shouldn't have to abandon our homes for monster skids, starting a book club at a local coffee shop with friends or a movie night or joining that yoga class you've been eyeing might be a huge relief for you. It gets you out of the situation and into a place where you can have fun and interact with other people.

I also like that someone said to leave baby magazines around, that would be my inclination also. If he was older, I'd also leave out feminist books and court/government decisions about women's rights and women's right to choose, but 12 is a bit young for that. It's your body and you don't need his permission.

Oh, honey. No.

https://media.giphy.com/media/J1wDJqFxV9k5i/giphy.gif

The kid is right. He is in charge because his parents are scared of him. And he cannot handle that power.

I'd postpone the wedding and tell your SO you'll consider marrying him when he shows actions consistent of actually parenting his children, rather that cowering and catering to them.

"SO blames me of course, because I don't hold the same parental pedigree he does because I don't have kids, therefore, I "just don't get it."

Yeah, popping one out doesn't bestow mystical wisdom. There are plenty of dumb parents out there, including the two you deal with. You don't need to be a parent to know what manners look like and to know when children are the decision-makers of the household. It really doesn't require forgetting birth control and an episiotomy to understand...

Tell him to stop invaliding you. You don't have to be a parent to recognize bad parenting. He's just trying to deflect from the real issues.

You mentioned "2 days" so I'm assuming you have these kids at the weekend. Why not get out the house at the weekend - go and do something you enjoy and let dad deal with them. Or ask him to take them out more so they're not in your face as much.

I would kill for 5 days out of 7 kid free. I know that's not a very helpful thing to say, but at least if it is just weekends you can make alternative plans and you know they will be gone by sunday evening.

That's not to say those two days won't be stressful, especially as the kids aren't civil towards you. But if it were me in that situation, I would be out the house before they arrive.

Oh, and don't think you have to get married!

I get the "I want to run" feeling at least once a week, which is enough to make me doubt the whole marriage thing at the moment. But then my SO also frequently says she wants to "run away", and they're her kids and pretty well behaved. Just goes to show, it's often not just the step parents who feel crappy.

And this is why I divorced the loser I had married. It makes me cringe remembering how shitty it was. Lived with them 2.5 years. Separate 1 year. Ended it a little more than a month ago. He wuvs his a babies sooo much. I was soooo mean. I raised my two totally different. I could write a book on how awful it really was. Divorced and sorry I ever married him. Assholes.

My step son did the same thing before we got married... He sat quietly through the entire wedding...

BUT if you have doubt about marriage please don't enter in it for the sake of the rotten children, they have had enough truma and will already struggle to be decent adults (might be projecting).

On the other hand my brother had 4 step kids that absolutely love him and our family. They have been great additions and are perfection!!!

Find out what works for you and believe you will make the right choice.

GOOD FOR YOU! I'm jealous, I wish I'd had the foresight to see that all of the pre-marital anxiety had nothing to do with the wedding and everything to do with the marriage. **sigh**

Thank you for reporting back. Good for you listening to your gut. You would have regretted it later.