I sympathize with you. I also tend more toward being a neat freak myself. And my DH and DD are LAZY and messy. It's beyond frustrating. But one thing that hit me about your situation is that you have a 2yo and a 3 month old. I remember being there also. I was exhausted all the time. I had no energy left to care about the house. I can't say that's entirely what you are dealing with as like you said she may be just like my spouse - lazy.

I deal with it by being very verbal about when I find myself cooking, cleaning, doing laundry while everyone else is just sitting around watching tv. I point it out each and every time. I'm sure it come across as nagging and bitchy but it makes me feel better. But really there comes a point when you have to resign yourself to realize that everyone has different standard when it comes to housework. You have to find a compromise.

Maybe you can start making Saturday morning cleaning time and everyone works together to get it all done. Working together sometimes makes it easier. Or if you can afford it hire a cleaning service so you can enjoy a clean home and take that point of conflict out of your relationship.

Good luck ! I find myself focusing on one annoying habit at a time and asking them to stop doing it. Then when they master that I tackle anther one. I will say DH is capable of learning, lol. My DD is resistant to every attempt.

Maybe get a chores list?

I know it may sound childish, but it might help to actually see things on paper. Your wife might be able to see that currently the household chores are not being equally split.

Now my fiance and I have an agreement, we are equal partners, thus household chores are to be split equally. If both are working full time then its really important that chores are 50/50. If one is working less than the other, then the one working less needs to pick up more of the chores.
This has worked really well for us, and in the 3 years we've been living together it has done full circle with us both changing working hours at various points. Hats off to him, when he was working less than me there was not even a mutter of complaint about chores.

On a personal viewpoint, my fiance and I have very different points of view about cleaning. I get irritable and stressed if I feel like the house is dirty, him? He had this envious ability to just ignore it and didnt understand why I would get snappy.

When we moved into our new house we made a chores list. My fiance hates polishing, I hate dishes, so I am always responsible for polishing and keeping the glassware clean and he does the majority of the dishes. (That being said we do have the whoever cooks doesnt do dishes rule)

We literally sat down together and agreed to what needed doing and how many times in a week. We tried to make it as fair as possible and kept the list hung up on the fridge. After a couple of months he was much more aware and nowadays he is even somewhat houseproud.

So downstairs is sorted, just the bedrooms to go

SD5 is responsible for her bedroom, we always try to make sure its tidied up properly before she leaves but if not the door just gets shut. So long as all her toys are tidied away downstairs, her room is her room.

Putting clothes away is something I can sympathise with. Our bedroom is really big, we actually moved our desk up into our room to give more space downstairs. But soon the desk became a clothes dumping zone.
I bought a washing basket for my fiances clothes, I put mine and SDs away. If that washing basket gets full before he puts it away it gets dumped on his side of the bed and needs putting away before bed.

But to be honest, it wont matter what you do or suggest unless your partner is interested in making your home life easier and cares about doing what she can do reduce the things that are irritating/stressful to you.

I think I'd sit down with my partner and talk about it.

1. Make a list together of all the household chores, how long they take, and how often they have to be done. Try to agree on this - it's not going to work out if one person insists that the floors be mopped daily and another insisting once a month is enough. Look for common ground.

2. Take a break for a few days after that! It will have been intense enough.

3. Consider that you are, objectively, doing too much. Maybe you like to have things done that way, but there are too many factors out of your control these days and maybe it's not worth the energy and stress it costs you. A happy life is most important. Maybe you can let some things slide a little bit. (Maybe not, but give it fair consideration.)

4. Sit down with your partner again, this time to look at how to arrange the chores during the week. If you realize that your chore list requires 3 hours of work per adult per day, that's not going to work for your family. But I'm sure 30 minutes per day is doable, even for the uninitiated! Again, see point 3 as the goal is to work together so that you're both happy.

5. Make that list into the chore-chart. It's the agreement you both make for how you contribute to your shared home.

6. After a week or so, see how it's going. Was it all promises and "I'll do it laters..." or did she come through? Make sure you tell her that you see how she's contributing and that you appreciate it. If she's not meeting her end of the bargain, first try to find out why. Is it too much? Did she not know how to do it? Or learn that she just hates doing a particular chore? (In my house, my DH unloads the dishwasher because I hate doing it, and he folds and puts away the laundry because he's so much faster and neater than I am. I do all the wiping of surfaces because the man hates getting his hands wet lol!!) Also, I was well into adulthood before I learned how to clean efficiently. Even now, I'm not so great at it. So be patient.

The big reason to be patient is that you're having this issue now, when you're already 10 degrees past pissed. The best time to talk things over is long before you get this frustrated. I know you tried talking before, but that was clearly one-way. Try again.

Good luck!