UPDATE - Talked to a lawyer, I am staying....for now
Quick recap in case you missed my post the other day: SD20 (AKA "Porky") got kicked out of the Army due to some combination of a "heart condition" and for being overweight and unable to meet physical standards. DW agreed to let Porky and Porky's husband "Taco" move in to our house without consulting me.
So, I talked to a lawyer, and I"m basically screwed. Do to the length of the marriage, and our income disparity (I make around 125K per year, DW makes around 25K), I would be looking at a lifetime alimony arrangement, in addition to forking over around 250K for the property settlement. Knowing DW as I do, she would end up with someone else, but would just not get married, so she would keep getting the alimony forever.....
Given all of this, I have decided to just deal with the situation as best I can, and see what happens. Although DW is very entitled and spoiled, there are aspects of our marriage that are good. Obviously, those will be deeply diminished while we are hosting Porky and Taco, but there is at least a chance that they will move out eventually. I do travel a lot for work, so hopefully I will draw an assignment soon, and be gone for a good chunk of Porky and Taco's tenure here.
Additionally, there is the reality that I would not be able to attract another woman if I leave. Without going into specifics, I am not a very attractive guy, and have always had a lot of trouble meeting women. Quite frankly, even though DW weighs around 250 pounds and is not a prized peach by any means, she is actually a good bit above me on the attractiveness spectrum. I don't want to go back to a life of being along all the time, with virtually no prospects of finding someone else. Travelling all the time for work and paying a huge amount of alimony would further reduce my already small chances. I just don't have any options.
Maybe Porky and Taco will leave, and things can get back to normal. I will start to emotionally distance myself from DW, and try to focus on some of my hobbies. I'm not happy with the current situation, but I'm just going to try to have the best attitude possible, and focus on the future.
I've tried to get DW to do
I've tried to get DW to do couples counseling for years, but she won't do it, probably for two main reasons:
1. By having her own counselor, she can talk as much shit about me as she wants, and I'm not there to defend myself.
2. If we attended couples counseling, all of her dirty laundry would get aired. In particular, I know that she doesn't want outsiders to know about her hoarding, and how sloppy the house looks because of said hoarding.
It's a great idea, and I will keep trying, but I know she won't go for it.
It has to be awful to live
It has to be awful to live with a hoarder...especially if you are the type that likes order. Going out of town for work and staying in a hotel must seem like a vacation to you.
Bringing in two more people means bringing in their stuff and more messes. Goodness, I hope for your sake they decide to move on quickly.
I'm thinking that you staying in a miserable situation because you think you'll be alone is very sad....sometimes it's better to be alone. It would give you time to focus on yourself and build up your self esteem. There's someone for everyone or so I've been told.
Now not wanting to pay alimony....I don't blame you one bit for that.
Yeah, her hoarding (or
Yeah, her hoarding (or "collecting," as she would probably put it) really sucks. She is not as bad as the people you see on "Hoarders" or "Hoarding: Buried Alive," but she definitely has issues. Realistically, she is probably a "Category 2" hoarder, because there are some areas of our house that are fairly orderly. The bedroom and bathroom - forget about it. They are always a mess.
Of course, she is very defensive about this subject, and always hits me with a "spin and redirect" about one of my issues if I ever try and talk about it. Of course, I'm not allowed to ever touch any of her stuff, even if it is on the floor blocking the way. I've gotten pretty good at "sneaking" stuff out of the house when she is gone, because she has so much stuff that can't keep up with it all. However, sometimes she does notice when I get rid of her junk, so I've had to curtail that a lot....
I agree with this. Counseling
I agree with this. Counseling could be immensely helpful.
I hope that you can find some ways to be happy while they are in the home. I know it's tough.
I second the good therapist.
I second the good therapist. It sounds like you are still in love just not happy with somethings. As a child whose whole family had to move back in with my parents trust me they will want to get out on their own (hopefully) we (DH, I, SS, and BS) stayed with my parents for over a year. It set us up financially to be in a great place. The transition out of the military can be really tough even under good circumstances. Good Luck and hopefully they will move out soon.
Did DW ever expand on the
Did DW ever expand on the restraining order comment?
I am glad you consulted an attorney. I respect your decision. But, please, stop saying you are unattractive. You never know what someone finds attractive and there's so much more than physical looks that's part of the "attractive" equation.
Time to start plotting how to make living there miserable for Porky and Taco.
She stopped with the
She stopped with the restraining order idea when I stopped talking about calling Porky.
However, I will probably be visiting with Taco one-on-one once they move in. I won't tell DW about this idea, but I plan on taking him out to breakfast or lunch, and letting him know that I will be helpful to them while they are looking for jobs and their new apartment. I will also stress that I did not want them to move in, and that they need to get their own place as soon as possible.
Taco is actually not that bad of a guy, and I have a better chance of appealing to him than to Porky. If I tried talking to Porky, she would just call DW, who would then automatically veto any idea that I had, regardless of merit.
I actually feel sorry for Taco, having to be married to Porky. She is an arrogant, entitled, demanding, cast-iron bitch. She has all of DW's bad traits, none of DW's good traits, and all of her "perfect" bio-daddy's traits (which are all bad - he is a worthless waste of sperm and egg with no redeeming qualities).
I honestly would not allow
I honestly would not allow them to move in, even if I had to physically stop them.
I would, however, pay for an apartment for them for 6 months though. Once they are in, they aren't going to leave any time soon. It will be cheaper, financially and on your mental health, for you to pay for the apartment I bet. This, to me, is a perfect compromise and your wife should see it like that.
(I don't even want to know why you are calling him "Taco". LOL! I really don't want to know!)
DPW, that's awesome advice.
DPW, that's awesome advice. Sometimes you can't put a price tag on your sanity .
I'm with you but I think Paul
I'm with you but I think Paul suggested this and DW refused to the apartment idea.
Ugh!
Ugh!
Yeah, that idea was
Yeah, that idea was "unreasonable." While it's true we do have the space, I just don't want them living here. I guess the flip side is that I will not be out any money immediately, but I'm sure they'll be a slow burn as they gradually increase our utilities, etc....
LOL!
LOL!
I like your evil side. It's a
I like your evil side. It's a great solution. No more cluttered junk, no house to share with Porky and Taco. It's also plausible this could happen with all the hoarding.
Well that sucks
Well that sucks completely.
Okay can you create some sort of boundary between yourself and them- if your house is large enough then block of some of the rooms and turn them into your personal space - lock the doors to your rooms and keep the key always on your person. You don't give over the key unless she goes to couples counselling
Also when she is next out install cameras in the house so that you can record everything. Also keep a record of everything - such as being threatened with a restraining order for the people moving in
When the others arrive then set out the rules of the house if needs be
I do t think you have heard the end of this tho. I feel so sorry for you tho- what an awful situation
Buy a duplex and then go to
Buy a duplex and then go to your nice, clean, no taco and porky or wife to deal with side of the duplex.
Hahahaha, good idea!
Hahahaha, good idea!
I'm sorry, Paul. Please do
I'm sorry, Paul.
Please do something to take back some of your power. Another poster mentioned taking care of yourself, and I agree with that. And how about funneling $$ into a private account? That would be empowering. Just don't like these ingrates run roughshod over you. Make those adult kids clean, contribute, and be responsible for their space.
Good Luck, and your wife is on my short list.
Wow. Ok, first off Paul, I
Wow. Ok, first off Paul, I want to tell you that you absolutely do NOT deserve to be in this situation. You are a successful guy, but you don't see yourself as a catch so you make yourself into a doormat to keep DW - yet you don't particularly want DW.
I suggest you get some individual counselling for yourself. Whatever path you have followed to get to this point does not automatically mean you have to keep following the same path deeper and deeper into the abyss.
I'm sure if you started seeing the situation as less hopeless, you'd find a way over, under, through or around.