Coping strategies for entitled adult step children?
I'm relatively new to being a step mother and could really use some advice on how to cope with adult step children from those who have some more experience!
About a year ago, married a man who is older than I am and who has 3 kids from a previous marriage that ended 17 years ago. They are 18, 20 and 22 The eldest - his daughter - has recently decided that she and her boyfriend of about a year are unhappy with the new condo-style apartment they are renting together and would like to buy a house. They don't have an adequate downpayment or strong enough credit to qualify for a loan, and have asked that we co-sign a $250k mortgage for them. As DH and I recently discovered that I am pregnant (unexpected, but certainly not unwelcome!), I raised some concerns about the extra financial pressure this would put on us at a precarious time and suggested we find another way to try and help them (i.e., help them come up with enough for an adequate down payment etc.). The result? Daily phone calls from her and her mother of screaming tirades about how I'm jealous of them, only think of myself and, in turn, blame for stressing a relationship between a father and daughter and the suggestion that perhaps I don't like them after all. Help!?!? I'm trying to be reasonable and level-headed but it seems to only back fire. Is this par for the course in the long term?!?
I'd be really grateful for any insight/suggestions!
Oh yes, all par for the
Oh yes, all par for the course.
Sit down and discuss the finances with your DH and your future with this new baby. DO NOT short yourself, DH, nor your new baby's future. After you have everything you all need, and there is enough for down payment, "maybe". $$$$ causes stress in situations like this. You and DH set some boundaries in regards to the adult children and agree on them, or this will forever be a night mare.
My youngest SS53 has always cost everyone a lot of $$$$$, including BM. He was released one year ago from prison, after 15 years in. When I found out he was being released, I sat down with DH and said "absolutely no more $$$$. We don't have to give $$$$ to SS58 nor SD56; so no more is going to SS53". We are retired and on a fixed income. DH took offense at first, didn't say much; but no more $$$$ has gone to anyone. SD56 got mad at me also, saying that I disliked SS53, blah...blah...blah. None of which is true. We even sent $$$$ every 90 days (small amount of $$$$) to the prison for his commissary account, so he could have a few extra's while he was in. SD56 always blamed me, because it was never enough, in her opinion. DH always told me exactly what to send, which I did, with receipts to show for it all.
Bottom line, you need to come to a mutual, permanent decision; you may need to make sure the boundaries are kept in place as time goes by. I personally would not co-sign for anything for adult children; it will either cause hard feelings, or you will end up paying for the home. It's worth the effort, believe me. We are good with our boundaries.
My motto: Do not share politics, religion, nor money with any family or friends.
^^This
^^This
Completely agree with Echo.
Completely agree with Echo. Maybe get your DH to a financial advisor for a neutral party opinion?
Cosigning anything for a 22
Cosigning anything for a 22 year old and a boyfriend is a recipe for disaster. If DH cosigns I hope you and he like the house as most likely it will be your house when they breakup.
If they don't like where they are renting they can look for another place to rent. They don't have to buy anything.
If they want to buy they need to save for a larger down payment and look for a house they can afford on their own. That's what adults do.
BM should cosign if she wants them to have a house.
Co-signing is a bad idea for
Co-signing is a bad idea for many reasons. Also, it may be a bit more complicated than they realize. A mortgage is different from a car loan. Mortgage companies understand the pitfalls of having several people on the mortgage and the deed.
Some mortgage companies will only look at the lowest credit rating of those applying for the loan - some may average them. In other words, your DH's good credit may not be enough to outweigh their bad credit. If DH cosigns for the loan, where is the down payment coming from? Can he afford the whole house payment if SD and boyfriend stop paying the loan?
DH will need to be on the deed - which gives him 1/3 ownership of the house. Are they ok with that? What happens when SD and boyfriend breakup? Will she be able to make the payments without him?
I agree with you that no one
I agree with you that no one should cosign for a house for anyone else. A car maybe - not a house. But I don't agree with you that the OP is being selfish at all. She has to think of her baby and it's future which is her responsibility until the child is an adult, like the SD who should be paying for her own house. The OP will have to set boundaries now with DH and SD. Maybe a little money to help - if DH can afford it.
Also, the OP needs to quit being 'available' for any of SD's tantrums. Let DH handle her.
"For all I know you may feel
"For all I know you may feel that way because you truly are selfish and jealous."
Nowhere does she say that she
Nowhere does she say that she gave this reasoning to the ADULT SD or to her DH. She is expressing here that the soon-to-be-here baby is an additional reason for her to be concerned about this...which is completely reasonable. But she never said that she went to her SD and her DH and said: "No way! Because MY BABY!!!" Your assumption that she did that and, therefore, "blew it" is just that...an assumption.
To OP: Every financial advisor everywhere will tell you that you should never co-sign a loan. As DH's wife, you are now responsible for his debts as well...so you absolutely have a say over how he uses his assets or what he signs his name to. You are right to be concerned. This would be a dealbreaker for me if he insisted.
I have visions of bf and SD
I have visions of bf and SD breaking up, and then your DH having to buy out the boyfriends share of the house, and then SD can no longer afford payments alone, and then DH is stuck with the entire mortgage.
I wouldn't have even dreamed of owning my own house at 22, but I am in the bay area CA where shit hole houses are going for 700k. I was entertaining myself looking at houses for 500k that were not even 1000 sqft and were pretty much not able to live in without being gutted and completely renovated. It's scary. So I totally get what sueu2 is getting at because depending on where you live, we don't know the cost of living and maybe it is a modest house.
Record the calls and get a
Record the calls and get a call log. Then sue their arses for harassment. If BM has time to scream tirades then let her scream them as she repays the loan.
You created a boundary where there has never been one before and as a result there is blow back. If you and dh can stand firm together great. But either way, do not put YOUR name on that loan. Let the rest of them crash and burn- PROTECT YOURSELF
Curious if your husband paid
Curious if your husband paid , all or partially, for his daughter's college? Whether he is doing/planning on doing the same for the younger two?
IMO, school, giving the young adults the ability to pursue their own lifestyle, hopes and dreams (read here aka home), would be a better investment than a house. Twenty-somethings rent apartments/condos that aren't particularly their 'dream homes' all the time... they aren't being mistreated if they have to wait, work hard and 'rough-it' a while until they build themselves into a position to upgrade.
I'm not one to believe a house is something any parent (regardless of income or ability on parents part) should help and/flat out purchase for any adult child. I don't believe in cosigning or 'loans' either. If I'm going to give money, I give it. I don't loan it. Keeps relationships less messy that way. No regrets, no resentments that way. *shrugs*
It's pretty sad the daughter even asked, but I suspect it's the way it's always been with her father and the kids....'I want', therefore Daddy gives.
Thanks for all the comments
Thanks for all the comments and help!
To answer some questions:
Yes, DH is seriously considering co-signing and is rather miffed that I wouldn't jump on board. He says that once I have a child of my own, I'll understand what it's like to want to do anything and everything for your offspring. I'm not so sure about that - I was raised to work hard for the things I wanted and needed. My parents helped me with undergrad tuition with the understanding that if I needed/wanted anything else (even more school), I'd have to find my own means. It taught me to work hard and about some important adult lessons.
I tried to make the same argument with DH. He turned around and told SD that *I* was the one who didn't want them to have a house. *Sigh* We've now got serious issues all around as I'm not very happy about being made into the buy guy here, she's furious with me and he doesn't see the long-term financial picture/implications/
SD has been offered support to go to college and decided to go to hair dressing school. DH paid for her to do her internship in Paris (as opposed to right here in a major metropolitan centre) because she wanted to have an adventure in Europe. We support the 2 boys in their college studies (tuition and residence)- one general BA and another in physics.
In terms of price, $250k is in the mid range around here. You could certainly find a condo or town house for substantially less, but they want to have something new with at least 3 bedrooms because they would like to have a baby soon. (!)
BM is not financially in a position to cosign anything for anyone.
DH and I make a comfortable but not extravagant living. We have a modest house and enough equity/credit that we could probably make something work. It would have a huge impact on our ability to move or buy a car in the coming years, though. DH is 50 and will be looking to retire in 15 yrs. That's not insignificant, especially with a baby on the way who will also need to be offered the same opportunity to go to college etc.
I'm beginning to see that there's a lot of guilt-ridden parenting going on here. DH work involved a tremendous amount of travel when these kids were small and I think he feels guilty about having not been there. Its almost as though he's trying to buy his way out of it. (!!!)
Please stand your ground -
Please stand your ground - for the sake of your child. Several of the posters have suggested marriage and financial counseling - a good idea. DH needs to get on the same page as you. If your DH is 50 now he will be retiring in 15 years. Your child will still be a teenager who will need funding for college. His adult daughter can find a way of fulfilling her dreams without sapping your finances, his retirement fund or your child's college.
Houses usually appreciate in
Houses usually appreciate in value. But that is not always true. We bought near the peak of the housing market. Our house is not now worth what we paid for it even with the remodeling / improvements we have done. And I do not anticipate it rebounding to that level anytime soon.
Even if the house appreciates in value will the daughter and boyfriend willingly give the father any part of the appreciation or will they expect that it is all theirs?
Quagmire ahead if the father does this.
My ex is 62, his youngest is
My ex is 62, his youngest is 17 almost 18. My kids can't stand the fact that their dad is a senile, creepy old man father. They don't want other kids to meet him because it is embarrassing to them.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
:jawdrop: WTH? What shallow kids. And 62 is not that old these days.
OP...My main concern at this point would be the fact that your DH totally threw you under the bus!! I would ask him if he is happy now that hey all hate you?
wow your future with your DH
wow your future with your DH and his financial non intellegence is going to be one of bankrupcy and poverty for you....unless you can get him to a financial counselor and a mental/marriage counselor.
I hope if you work your finances are seperate and you do NOT live in a community property state.
Stupid decision-making all around by him and his first family.
I will tell you what I told
I will tell you what I told my own kids...
"If you can't afford a house without a co-signer, then you can't afford the house".
My son and his wife rented for 3 years after they finished college and saved the money they needed for a down payment.
If your DH is determined; let
If your DH is determined; let him have at it. DO NOT SIGN YOUR NAME TO ANY BUSINESS PERTAINING TO YOUR SKIDS!!!!!!
Your credit will be at stake here Lady. Don't argue with DH about it, just make sure you and your baby do not do without.
I've been here and I never have put my name on anything pertaining to my skids; it will work out, DH might have to learn by trial and error; my DH learned the hard way. Just always keep a home and everything you "need" for you and your baby (at DH's expense of course).
We are retired and I will always put myself first, over the grown skids; DH doesn't see it this way, but I know how to stand my ground. You do the same for the sake of your new baby.
Good Luck.
DON'T GO THERE!
That's just BS that your DH
That's just BS that your DH threw you under the bus. My DH cosigned two loans for his entitled adult daughter, both of which she walked out on. We finally paid one off, and there is a lawsuit from the creditor for the other which will hopefully be settled soon. No fucking way will we cosign anything else, and I can't believe he would cosign on a quarter million dollar loan!! I can see helping with downpayment or something, but what they are asking is out of control, especially when they SD and BioBitch are screaming at him on the phone!
I'd leave over that one if he does it.
The lawsuit I mentioned in my
The lawsuit I mentioned in my post about a debt that my DH cosigned for.....
I was named in the suit even though I wasn't married to DH at the time and I didn't sign anything. As a spouse I am responsible for his debts.
Exactly. She could be on the
Exactly. She could be on the hook without signing for anything herself. She needs to check into it, and into what could happen in case of default.
DH and SD and boyfriend need
DH and SD and boyfriend need to go in and talk to a mortgage lender in person. What they find out may end this process before it gets started - which might save you from some stress.
They should be able to find out if the three of them have any real chance of qualifying for a mortgage. The lender can also explain the different ways the house can be titled - which may drive home the point to SD that DH will be partial owner of the house - not just the one responsible for the mortgage.
Dh is starting a second
Dh is starting a second family while still trying to buy love from the first; then he throws you, his pregnant wife under the bus and makes YOU the bad guy! Not ok.
You've got to stop this and turn it around right now. 22 yr old and her BF want a house and baby AND want daddee to pay for it. BWAHAHAHAHA!!! Daddee is gonna have his own baby and another kid to raise and put through college. Someone suggested seeing a financial planner, that's really good advice. It would also be a good idea to see a lawyer and find out how to protect yourself if he does go through with it. After that see a therapist and learn ways to stand up for yourself in this cluster *f* you've married into and are now giving birth into.
DH still has 2 (3 counting yours) kids to put through college and a whole lot of financial drain on the way. DH can't work forever, no one can. He should be at the stage of planning for his retirement not paving the way so his daughter never has to make it in life.
^^ Seeing a financial planner
I would not even consider
I would not even consider this, nor would I let my DH consider it, IF he wanted to stay married to me.
This is completely ridiculous. She is so immature that she thinks that just because she is unhappy with her current condo that somebody else should co-sign for a 250K mortgage for her? Her and a BOYFRIEND? And your DH wants to do it? And thinks that it will all work out?
Ridiculous.
"have asked that we co-sign a
"have asked that we co-sign a $250k mortgage for them" :jawdrop:
No.
I wouldn't do this for my own child. Or my parents, or anyone. Not unless I would just be able to outright GIVE them 250k, which I don't have to give, so no. This is crazy. He's crazy, his daughter is entitled, his ex-wife is crazy. If she defaults, you could be asked to pay it all in one lump. Hope he's got that cash!
This would be... a divorcing offense. If he signs on for this, you do too, by proxy, and I would want my finances completely and totally separate from his, in the eventuality (nay, strong probability!) that his daughter will default on the loan and leave him, thus you, holding the bag. This is the same as if YOU alone signed on as co-signer. Don't do it.
A 22 y o owning her "own" home? With a boyfriend? Of only a year? This is a disaster waiting to happen.
Good point. Is there any way
Good point. Is there any way you could have DH sign a post-nup, so that you are not responsible for his debts?
Yes a divorceable offense.
Yes a divorceable offense. And I'm very concerned with him turning you into the bad guy. You can give him all the facts and he will STILL resent you. I'm going through this right now and we're heading for divorce because my dh blames me for not allowing his criminal son to move in with us (and a whole list of where I've been the bad guy for protecting myself and my family. Actually blamed me because his mom had to move in with her millionaire father because she spent every penny spoiling her grandson. But it's my fault cause I wouldn't let her move in. List goes on and on. But what I'm saying if he's already growing resentful it won't end. It's just the beginning. Marriage counseling ASAP. And I hope it works for you!
Ok, so putting the insanity
Ok, so putting the insanity and stupidity of co-signing on a quarter of a million dollar house for a very young lady who is "dating" the beau she plans to live with aside.....
If your DH is rich, here is my thought: Each child, including your child, gets X amount of $$$ for a house down payment. It is equal and across the board, and is a one time gift. No co-signing, just a gift to help.
If your DH is not rich and can't do the gift for all of his children, he should do the gift for NONE. He can't co-sign (which is beyond ridiculous to consider, but I digress) for only the one child. Maybe THAT is something he can understand.
The throwing you under the bus and letting all the heat fall to you was a man-baby move. He needs to be called out on that.
Wow he's stupid.
This would definitely be a
This would definitely be a deal breaker for me. If my DH considered doing this I would RUN not WALK to a lawyer and ensure that I was legally separate from his financial debts and responsibilities. I would commence legal separation papers to protect myself from this utterly ridiculous notion of signing for a debt of $250,000. This is a LOT OF MONEY!
I can't even wrap my head around your DH thinking this is a possibility - let alone making you the fall guy for not wanting to jeapordize your financial future!
Please protect yourself and your baby's future.