Step daughter driving us apart...please help :(

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Hi, I am new to the forum and am desperately seeking some help, I literally do not know where to turn.

My husband and I have been together 7 years. He has three children from his previous marriage, and we have two together.

We went through many years of aggravation with the eldest (from being 15-20), including times when she would curse at me, disrespect me, and even tried to attack me with a glass bowl in front of the other children. The worst thing she ever did was to scream at me on the day of my father's terminal cancer diagnosis, and tell me that she was glad he was going to die...that along with the awful messages she sent me on the day of his death, asserting her happiness. It took so long for my husband to see what she was really like, it nearly tore our marriage and family apart. I made it very clear to my husband at the time, that I would not go through this again with any of the children.

However his youngest, now 12, has been growing progressively more unruly for 6 years. She gets little or no discipline from either my husband or her mother. She has hit my children and threatened them to keep it secret, she has locked them in a room with her and taught them swear words about me, she ignores me most of the time and flowers at me when she isn't ignoring me. I am a teacher so I am at home with her in the holidays, she is a real moody little cow all day and then literally changes her mood as soon as my husband walks in. This usually revolves around pretending that she is ill and that I have been force feeding her etc...its absolute rubbish! She will not allow me to come anywhere near my husband, she will push me off pavements when we are walking along, if I get up to make a cup of tea in the evening and she thinks I am going to sit down next to her dad on the sofa she will shove me. At Christmas, we got on an underground train and I sat next to him because it was the only free seat - she jumped up and punched me hard enough for it to hurt for a week and give me a bruise. Then she turned her puppy dog eyes on my partner when I told her off, saying "Daddy, I was only trying to play with her, why is she upsetting me and telling me off". Of course, he took her side and I got the full force of the discipline which should have gone her way.

Last week she locked my children in a room with her and was calling me a 'dickhead'. I have literally raised this girl from the age of five as a mother, including when her own mum wasn't interested. I asked my husband to speak with her about this and he didn't. Last night it turned into a massive argument between us and I accused him of being afraid to discipline his children.

I literally cannot live like this anymore. I love my husband and he is a good man, he just gives his children EVERYTHING because he is afraid they will go to their mum if he doesn't bend. With our younger children he is happy to dole out discipline and chores, and they are basically good kids. I don't want to leave him and break up the family but this is seriously damaging my health (I get headaches and palpitations even when I know she will be at home and I dread school holidays).

Please please please can someone give me some advice about how I can turn this around? As I say, I'm a teacher and used to awkward teens and behaviour management, but having to deal with the violence and volatility in my own family is just too much for me.

Thank you in advance.

Is it possible to move DH and

Is it possible to move DH and his daughter out of your home for a separation time? I read "To Stay or To go". It is an excellent book and explains how separation can give everyone time to evaluate the real problems. If it is possible, I would move them out and let them work on it; thus giving you and your children some quiet time. I did this with DH and grown SD; it worked.

If at all possible, VERY CIVILY, and IN CONTROL (for your children's sake), sit everyone down and explain "this is what is going to happen", then DO IT. Stick to your boundaries; a separation is sometimes good; no need to file for divorce. If it works out, good; if it doesn't work out, you are on the road to recovery, then comes the legal process.

I am very sorry for your ugly situation, but luvmypuppy has nailed it; it won't get well, if you don't initiate some solutions; it doesn't sound like DH is going to step up. You owe this to your bio children, as well as your troubled SD. If she thinks she is in control, it will only give everyone grief forever.

Your husband is not a good

Your husband is not a good man. A good man steps us and disclipines his children. He loves them enough to give them everything but not enough to teach them right from wrong? Really?
You have been pushed, shoved and bruised by this child and have already had to deal with the other one who put you through physical and emaotional abuse. On top of that this one has attacked YOUR children and tried to turn them against you with swear words and what not.

You need to protect yourself and your children. It is time to leave. You have said you wouldn't go through this a second time with another child- now respect yourself and honour this promise to yourself. If you don't your husband will know that you never mean business and will be free to continue to act as he does

Seriously - you were punched hard enough to bruise and he took her side? You should have been done then.
Be done now- take your children, leave him a note as to why you have gone and where he can contact you to sort out child support and be done. Oh and if he does do visitation he can't have YOUR kids in the house at the same time as he has the other children- this sd has a history of violence and your children must be protected

Thank you for your advice - I

Thank you for your advice - I think you are telling me what I already know in my heart. I see him trying so hard to love his children and meet their needs; he doesn't realise that by meeting his daughter's desire to behave as she wishes, he puts his other kids in danger. I know he doesn't want to lose me but I also know that SDs behaviour is leading him to make an impossible decision between her and me (and his other children). I keep telling him, I have no interest in him choosing between us, just disciplining her and showing which behaviours are okay in our home.

Hun if he loved you and

Hun if he loved you and didn't want to lose you he would have never allowed the first sd to emotionally abuse you and attack you with a glass bowl. He would have dealt with this then and there would be a zero tolerance policy on this in your home. If he didn't want to lose you he would have stood up at Xmas and he would have disciplined sd when she hurt you so badly you bruised.
In fact I would say that what you have said is not true- he does not love you or the children (either the first or second set)- maybe he loves having you there to clean his clothes make his meals or have sex with- but not enough to discipline his children and protect you.
You have said you can't face this again after the first sd- now you need to draw a line in the sand. He can see sd- anywhere that is not your home. She is no longer welcome cause she is violent and you fear for your children safety. If he doesn't like it and he refuses to discipline her then you need to take your children and leave.
Why should they be miserable and hurt because of this rotten man and the rotten child he has created?

As I said I would have been done since xmas- if she can bruise an adult, what damage can she do to a child smaller than her? If she can bruise an adult and your partner STILL WONT TAKE YOIR SIDE, then you know what you are dealing with here
This will not change- you have seen how it played out with thing one now it will do the same with thing two.
Pack a bag for your children and yourself and go stay with friends and family. Leave him a note to say how to contact you and just start respecting yourself and your boundaries.

Thanks for your responses.

Thanks for your responses. unfortunately, separation time isn't an option for us financially or logistically. Also SD is so manipulative that she would use this time to convince My husband of how wonderful she is and that the problems were all my causing. My husband definitely sees how controlling and mean she is and we can talk about it on our own, but he just doesn't deal with the problem by disciplining her. I don't want to discipline her, so I have said that, in the case of physical violence toward the younger children that I will just call the police and let them deal with her. Maybe this would give her a wake up call.

It sounds like a horrible

It sounds like a horrible situation to be trapped in. The problem is with your DH and until HE decides to take an active and responsible role in his troubled kids lives, I don't see it changing. Just look at the message he is sending her.... she is allowed to treat you and her other siblings as punching bags, and your DH not only refuses to acknowledge this, he instead blames and punishes you.... in front of her no less! He is teaching her that you have no real value. Very dangerous set up.

I know that you think your DH is a 'good man' but, would a good man allow you to be physically assaulted? What happens as this 12 year old grows bigger? What happens when she goes too far and seriously injures someone? It shouldn't have to get that far before he opens his eyes but, I fear that it will. YOU need to step up and do whatever it takes to protect your bios and yourself from this 12 YR old menace. Next time she puts her hands on you or your children, call the police immediately. As a matter of fact, tell your DH that if he WON'T protect you and your kids, YOU will! Give him this last chance to step up, and then IF he fails, you go to plan B. This gives both your DH and his kid consequences. Don't just threaten, follow through! Someone needs to lead by example, looks like it's YOU.

Thanks everyone. I finally

Thanks everyone. I finally feel as though I can vent without anyone judging me! Sometimes I feel that this situation is turning me insane

You have already said it

You have already said it yourself, your husband can see how manipulative and mean she can be but doesnt want to deal with it.

That is basically your issue, and ultimately its not something YOU can fix. You cannot make someone have the motivation to do something; be it working on a relationship, parenting their kid or trying to share a passion. If they dont want to put the effort in then you quickly run out of options.

My DH and I have always had one clear priority; each other. Our relationship (and now our marriage) is our priority; he is my priority and I am his. Without a strong relationship, partnership, unity, whatever word you want to use, you cannot build/have a happy household.
Now our belief is also that our joint responsibility is to the care and well being of any children in our care (regardless of that childs biology; be is my SD5, or future bios, or neighbours kid thats sleeping over)

Rags says something similar, but far more eloquently.

You need to sit down with your husband and really explain to him what is happening, how you are feeling and that you want to make the situation better. But it all depends on whether he wants to put the effort in, if he loves you and is the great man you believe him to be then he will. If not then you are flogging a dead horse and I for one would not be able to accept a life of being treated like that, and so obviously disrespected by my spouse.

What is crystal clear to me

What is crystal clear to me is that your husband puts his children before you. Sounds like he always has. You apparently have no authority in your own home and that SD is out of control. Have you thought of contacting the school? Is she the same way in class? Learning disabilities maybe? IF it got to the point that I was being hit by my SD I would call the police and child social services. You have rights too. This sounds very toxic for you and the other "good" kids. I am sorry you are going through this. Keep coming back to this forum for support! Big hugs!

What is crystal clear to me

That is just sad that DH

That is just sad that DH allows his 12 yr old to physically abuse you and your children together. As a teacher you are a mandatory reporter so report. Report her to social services, the police and whoever else can intervene. The brat should be living with her mother if she cannot reside peacefully in your home. She should also be in counseling and possibly on meds. Perhaps she can be shipped off to a psych ward for awhile.

You have a job, you have more rights and power than you are seeing right now. If this abuse gets addressed it's your DH that's screwed, not you.

Thank you. I am convinced

Thank you. I am convinced there is an underlying psychological problem. The violence is only directed towards me and my children. The background is that her BM has been diagnosed clinically narcissistic and her maternal grandmother las learning difficulties. The child herself has no learning problems in school (other than laziness) and is nice as pie to all other adults. There are other problems such as an obsession with food (she rarely eats and asks very conscious questions such as 'how many calories in a glass of water?'). She is underweight and wears clothes aged 8-9 but I don't think she is anorexic because her computer history is all questions about how to get attention from making yourself look anorexic, plus she leaves the mouldy leftovers from bowls of ice cream and junk food snacks in her room. We also have problems getting her to wash and deodorise, sometimes she smells so bad I have to move away from her and she has had infections down below from not washing. Again, it's become a source of attention and since I started ignoring it, it has improved. I feel so trapped with this child. I try to reserve judgement but I work with kids every day and I have only ever seen one or two examples like her in many years.

Thank you. I am convinced

Time to blister some Skid ass

Time to blister some Skid ass with a paddle. If DH has no balls to parent, then you do it. He can either step up and parent and discipline before you have to or he can STFU.

I would let him know that the horizon of the presence of he and his prior relationship spawn in the home is on thin ice. That he tolerates anyone polluting HIS children against HIS wife is puke worthy and proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is clueless as a father. His elder prior relationship spawn should not be tolerated to pollute his younger children.

Time for him to man up or GTF out and take the polluted gene pool BM crotch droppings with him. Your kids do not deserve to be exposed this crap and for sure do not deserve to have their father not eliminate the unacceptable influences from the picture. They deserve his protection and do not deserve to be served up as sacrificial offerings to their toxic elder half sibs.

You can turn it around by turning DH and the Skids out of the picture.

" she jumped up and punched

" she jumped up and punched me hard enough for it to hurt for a week and give me a bruise. Then she turned her puppy dog eyes on my partner when I told her off, saying "Daddy, I was only trying to play with her, why is she upsetting me and telling me off". Of course, he took her side and I got the full force of the discipline which should have gone her way."

What would happen if one of your students did this? What if the headmaster/principal reacted to the incident/incidents in the same manner as your husband does?

You are accepting behavior in your own home towards you and your own children that you know would not be tolerated in any other setting. You have two young children in your home. Please think of what's in their best interest even if you're not ready to think of your own.

Yes, she lives with us.

Yes, she lives with us. Visitation to BM is supposed to be every other weekend, although this rarely happens as BM arranges a loving rota of sleepovers at friends' houses for SD when she is supposed to have her. This puts extra pressure on us because we are then expected to return the sleepover when she is at ours and SD literally throws a toddler tantrum if she can't have 7 children over and run around the house screaming her head off until 7am. BM also often arranges weekends away specifically for the weekend when she is supposed to have her children.

In all honesty, I don't find it difficult having a different set of rules for the kids we have together, this is because we generally agree on how to parent them and they are turning out pretty fantastically (emotionally mature, caring, respectful, sensible and literally years ahead in their schooling). It upsets me that they sometimes see they are being treated differently and I just have to explain to them that I am doing what I think is best for them, and that I am not SDs mum but if I were she would have turned out a lot better.

I read an article recently in a teaching magazine about how many parents are now being physically and emotionally abused by their children. I genuinely feel that this is the case. Believe me, I have tried to discipline her in just the same way I do my own children; she needs consistency, love and boundaries. But every time, BM gets involved (SD tells nasty stories when she is at BMs and will call her to make up elaborate lies about when I have told her off). BM would do anything to destroy me (I don't know why as I wasn't on the scene until 2 years after she walked out) emotionally and professionally, so I am very cautious. I have read a lot on here about disengagement, I know it sounds cruel but I really think it could work (as long as the physical violence stops, also).

If this kid is making up lies

If this kid is making up lies that may jeopardise your career you need even more to get out of this situation. You should also have cameras to prove any lies she makes up

Ah, I'm so sorry you are

Ah, I'm so sorry you are going through this as well. Stay strong. Big hugs xx

Yes, I do. I just hope

Yes, I do. I just hope against hope.

Grrr...she has just walked

Grrr...she has just walked through the door after weekend at BMs...a hello for everyone (including the dog), but me and her HBs get glowered at again...I can't stand it

Stop press!! DH is about to

Stop press!! DH is about to step up!! He is calling a meeting with her tonight along with us and her HBs to confront her about her behaviour towards me. I hope this doesn't end up in a train wreck.

My oh my! Well, I think this

My oh my! Well, I think this has all come as a result of me finally breaking down over the weekend to him and telling him I would have to leave if this continues, BUT...he called a family conference last night and sat down our kids, SD and SS and confronted her. She denied some of the specific incidents that we hadn't witnessed but he also just plain out said he had noticed the cruel and hurtful way she treats me and he wasn't putting up with it anymore. He said to her that there is room in the family for everyone but not for every behaviour so if she chooses to carry on acting like this, she will push us to a point where she has to go live with BM full time. Well, she continued scowling at me and he told her this was a bad time to have attitude with either of us and made her apologise. She stomped off to her room but came down 30 minutes later like a different child. Like she used to be 7 years ago. I don't know how long it will last but fingers crossed. At the very least I feel relieved he has FINALLY supported me. I expect we have a long way to go on the journey, though...

Haha, well she lasted just

Haha, well she lasted just under 48 hours before a repeat incident although, in fairness DH did back me up again, so I can't complain.
Just annoyed that the price we all paid was her setting an alarm and waking us all up at 5.30am this morning...sleep deprivation, it's like being in Guantanamo Bay.

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Step daughter driving us apart...please help :(