SD14 admires lawless, crude, lying (but kind) BM

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This is more of a struggle with values.

My skids and I have a great relationship -- at least I think so. I love them dearly, and they seem to love me, too. We rarely have severe clashes.

Last month my DH and I moved four states away because I got a good job near to his hometown, about 1 hour away from where the BM of my SD14 and SS17 lives. The skids used to visit their BM periodically for long stretches of time (a couple months during the summer). I only met their BM about 3 months ago for dinner, while visiting the area and while my SD14 was there for the end of her winter break. I've avoided that meeting for a long time, for a multitude of reasons. My first 'interactions' with her were negative, and the things that have occurred have also been. My DH has full physical and legal custody of the skids. The reason behind that is complicated, but the bottom line related to her drug addictions.

Just to summarize:
- In my first interaction -- About 4 years ago during summer break, when my DH and I were dating, we made plans for him and the skids to move with me. The skids' BM filed an emergency custody order, and hid the kids away while they were visiting her. My DH drove out to get them from her, but could not find them. They had gone to visit their BM for the summer, and she said she took them because they did not want to move. Granted, my DH handled the situation poorly. He got laid off while they were away, and we decided to move two weeks before they were to come back, so my DH only sprung it on them just a few days prior to their flight back.
- The skids' BM's husband brought both the SD and SS out to vandalize homes "for fun" using silly string and toilet paper; not during Halloween, but just on a random night (not that Halloween would have made it better). They came back, explained this to us, and smiled big about how their BM thought it was hilarious.
- Knowing we would disapprove, their BM got the DS ear gauges at 12, despite it being illegal at that age in their state (and ours at the time). She lied on a form, saying her daughter was 15 to get them. My DS thought that was okay -- and still does -- because she got what she wanted.
- The BM says thinks like "no one in this family turns out well," which completely runs counter to her husband's family or my own (husband's family are mostly successful financiers/accountants(my DH)/entrepreneurs, and my family is mostly scientists(myself)/engineers/doctors. My SS17 has said repeatedly that he "comes from trash" and my SD14 thinks she can only be friends "with trash." (Literally their words.)

Despite all of this, my SD14 has a strong bond with her BM; she admires her, because her BM is a kind soul. That's true. Her BM is nice on the surface, but has no respect for anyone or anything that stands in the way of what she wants. And my SD14 takes that view; because of it, she is demanding, constantly requests that we break rules and the law (of course we do not), and thinks we're unreasonably aggressive to those who do break rules. When I do little things like jaywalk on a rare occasion in a residential area, she points it out and acts like I'm being a hypocrite. I find this funny, because I follow most rules to the T, and she knows this. My DH, on the other hand, is a little more relaxed about rules. My SD14 takes this as wholehearted permission to do unhealthy things, like:

- skip classes
- indulge in pornographic "fanfic"
- lie to her friends when she wants to either avoid them or something from them
- lie to us when she thinks she is in trouble

My SS17 does not admire his BM, however, he engages in similar behavior. He lies about homework, about his eating habits, to friends at school about his family life, to friends of ours. He's generally better behaved, but requires a lot of handholding to get him to do anything.

Is it possible to explain the issues with her BM to my SD14 without attacking her BM directly? I do not see any way around it, but I am hoping for some guidance. For instance, every time I see my SD14's gaping ear gauges, I see it as a direct affront to us and the law. However, I do not want to say that, because I know they connect her with her BM.

I should add--one reason I am

I should add--one reason I am worried now, more than ever, is that we've recently moved so close to their BM. I see my SD14 as on her way to becoming an uneducated delinquent. She's an average student, but she used to be a A+ student, and it's been going downhill. Her sister, and the BM's daughter from a relationship before my DH met her, is 18 and pregnant. My SD14 wants to be part of her sister and soon-to-be-nephew's life, which I support, but that also means being closer to her BM.

I know it. When I had a

I know it. When I had a conversation about the ear gauges with the BM, she said to me "it's her body, she can do what she wants with it." I just matter-of-factly said, "No, she can't, not just legally, but generally as a 12 year old she should have guidance on this sort of thing."

My main concern rests with

My main concern rests with lying to get what one wants. We're accepting people. We would have had her wait until she was in her late teens, likely 16 or 17, before making such a drastic decision. In order to have gotten the gauges, BM had to falsify SD14's age. That teaches a bad lesson. And indeed, she lies to her friends to avoid "hurting their feelings." She creates elaborate webs of lies then cries to us when they go haywire.

Their dad tells them what he thinks, but they're disinclined to listen to him; all they have to do is wait until they reach BM's house and they're allowed to do all sorts of things.

She's already into art, but she's also into lying to get her way. That's the problem in my book.

My main concern rests with

Their dad tells them what he thinks, but they're disinclined to listen to him; all they have to do is wait until they reach BM's house and they're allowed to do all sorts of things.

She's already into art, but she's also into lying to get her way. That's the problem in my book.

Visitation schedule is all

Visitation schedule is all holidays, including all long school breaks (spring break, winter break, summer break).

He's certainly not willing to give up his daughter. We'll talk about putting SD14 into big brothers/big sisters.

You may want to contact BB/BS

You may want to contact BB/BS first. They have limited resources, long waiting lists and prioritize kids in adverse situations. I'm not sure your sd would qualify.

I have to call BS on any

I have to call BS on any connection between kindness and anyone who is lawless, crude and lying.

It can't happen. Those are mutually exclusionary character traits.

Until SD-14 realizes this she will maintain her downward spiral that will likely permeate her entire adulthood.

Yes you can give your SD clarity on how big of a POS and how unkind her BM is and how she and her brother are following in their idiot mother foot steps. Giving the Skids clarity is simple.... it is called FACTS!!!

We adopted the share the facts with the Skid methodology with SS (now 23 and adopted last year by me at his request) when he was a preteen. At 14 you have some catching up to do with SD to inject her with the clarity of the shallow and polluted end of her gene pool provided by BM. Unless SS-17 proves to be salvageable it is likely too late for him.

I would postulate that she understands clearly, as does SS-17,that their BM and her chosen current mate are worthless POS people of no character or redeeming quality and that BM's, SD's, and SS's stance that "no one in this family turns out well", that they "come from trash", and they can only be friends "with trash." is just excuse to allow them to what they want rather than what they should be doing and allow them to be criminal entitlement victims rather than owning their own performance of excuses and failure.

You, your DH, your family, and his, are the facts that they should all be smacked in the face with repeatedly every time they play their idiot bullshit.

"Your father and his family are not trash. Your BM, her husband, you and your brother all choose to be trash. You can make a different choice so SFTU and step up or keep your low class trashy choices to yourself." etc.....

My bride was a single teen mom from poverty. Since then she has become a highly educated (Dual major BS with honors & MBA with honors.), a professionally certified high successful professional, and lives a life commensurate with her performance. My SS has a shallow and polluted half of his gene pool very similar to the one that your Skids are cursed with. The Sperm Idiot is a serially breeding dope smoking useless POS who has a brood of 4 out of wedlock spawned fuck trophies (to him that is all they are). He lives in a trashed rental property provided rent free by Sperm GrandHag and Sperm GrandPecker (the serially adulterous asshole who can't keep his toxic wife under control), and is a voluntarily intermittently employed plumber who thinks that not working keeps his CS obligation down.

We made sure that every fact of the Sperm Clan's depravity was shared with SS in an age appropriate manner. Court records, the CO, arrest records, Private Investigator videos, etc, etc, etc...... There were no secrets that we would tolerate the Sperm Clan having from my Skid. This was what we had to do as responsible parents to arm our son against the manipulations and bullshit of his Sperm Clan.

Over the years he became able to protect himself from their toxic manipulative bullshit while on Sperm Land visitation and now that he is a viable self supporting adult he is well prepared and capable of shutting their crap down and barring their idiot asses when they attempt to manipulate him into helping support his three younger also out of wedlock Sperm Idiot spawned half sibs.

My son knows what character is and that preparation, hard work ,and good decisions deliver success. His mom and I set that example. He has seen and lived the comparison between a family of character and a family of useless POS victim minded entitlement minded wastes of skin.

So, go after BMs criminal record, go after her DH's criminal record, keep the message front and center that though they me be saddled with half of their gene pool being shallow and polluted by BM they also have a deep and clean half of their gene pool that comes from DH and his family. They also have the direct example provided by you and their father.

So call bullshit on SD-14s crap, bare her ass each and every time she plays the excuse for stupid decisions card, and point out the related success factors that you and your DH have provided as examples that counter BM's. Put the onus of following in BM's footsteps firmly on SD-14's shoulders and on SS-17's shoulders and do not tolerate their excuses and idiot choices. When they choose to emulate their BM's crap, bare their asses.

No tolerance, no quarter.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

My son has had to fly to Sperm Land to put his POS Sperm Idiot against a wall to give him clarity that if he smokes dope with the two youngest of his spawn (14 and 12) that my son will fly back to deal with the Sperm Idiot and the Sperm Idiot will not like the results. My son and his half sister (Sperm Idiot spawn #1 and #2) detest their Sperm Idiot. #3 and #4 worship the POS.

My son will likely be the only one of the 4 that will make something of himself. At 23 he already has accomplished more than the rest of the shallow and polluted half of his gene pool. The good news is that he clearly understands that success or failure in his life is dependent on his own effort and decisions.

He has left his Sperm Clan far in his rear view mirror. That is the clarity that your SD-14 needs to gain on her own behavior and on her POS mother.

As for SD comparing your jay walking with BM's behavior..... Give her some comparative examples that bare that bullshit for what it is. Get creative. There is a huge difference between a civil violation (jay walking, speeding) and criminal violations. Nail her ass to the wall with facts. At this stage you and her father have to realize that the only responsibility you have with your two Skids is to lock in the message of accountability before they launch which is rapidly approaching. Once they launch the consequences of their decisions are entirely theirs and you and DH need to give them clarity that once they hit 18 your continued support is entirely dependent on their effort, decisions, and quality of decisions. Following in their POS BM's footsteps is not worthy of further support. Either physical, financial, or emotional.

All IMHO of course.

Sorry for my rant.

Hi, just joined today and

Hi, just joined today and sneaking in a peek at some posts while I'm supposed to be working I really feel for you DowntownMagic, we are dealing with a similar BM ourselves. It is so hard to be the "bigger person" when you just want to stamp your foot and scream at them for what they do to their kids (okay, sometimes I want to do more than scream at her, but for the most part a huge hissy fit tantrum would do it). I have no advice that has worked for us so far, just wanted to show some solidarity and wish you the best of luck!! You sound like a really lovely, caring stepmum and I am assured by my psychologist friend that children can overcome the influence of a "bad" parent (even if they live with them) if there is a strong, positive role model in their lives as well - and it sounds as though your stepkids have that. No matter what happens with your stepdaughter, she can't unhear the lessons you have taught or the example of womanhood you have shown her and I believe that will be what saves her in the long run.

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SD14 admires lawless, crude, lying (but kind) BM