Expectations and Decision Making
Hi all. First time poster 
For a brief introduction I am a 39 year old male in a serious relationship with a wonderful woman with a 6 and 9 year old girls. From time to time any relationship gets challenging however this is a situation where I need other opinions.
To start off I want to state that I am a committed step parent and try to do the things that are required in helping my partner raise her children.
Our daily routine consists of my partner waking around 545am, getting herself and the kids ready, and dropping them off at daycare for 7am before she goes to work for 730am. Since I work closer to lunchtime I usually sleep during their mornings and I awake after they have left.
A couple months ago my partner and her ex decided to change the children's daycare. The previous was at a facility however now they use before/after care directly at their school. When they made the decision to change services there apparently was a time frame when their current childcare provider would be closed so again my partner and her ex decided to enroll the children in a few summer camps. The conflict that arose tonight was my partner letting me know that tomorrow she would need me to take her kids to daycare for 745am for the next few weeks.
Now to be clear I am 100% OK doing that task. However I was not happy with being left in the dark when this was planned months ago and given 12 hours notice. I feel that I should be part of the decision making process when it directly involves me. I understand that there are expectations when in a step parent situation but am I wrong for being upset?
They can decide the where's
They can decide the where's and what's between themselves. Hard enough getting the two actual parents to mutually agree without tossing in another one or two stepparents into the mix.
Where your went wrong was physically (and/or financially) involving you in the decision outcome without asking you. It's when their decision actually affects and involves you. In the case you stated it does affect and involve you... three weeks of such. You could and still can say 'no'. Not your problem your wife left herself with a measly 12hrs to find alternative arrangements/transportation.
This is what you need to address with her. That she took advantage of you without discussion and/or a real option to decline for this morning. It's rude and disrespectful. This is the type of thing that can lead stepparents into resentment. How her children get to daycare, camp or a babysitters is not your responsibility. Nor is dragging them out of bed and feeding them. If she would like you to please take the responsibility temporarily for three weeks, she d*mn well best consult you WHILE these plans are in the initial planning stage.
Yes. If it affects you, you
Yes. If it affects you, you absolutely have a right to be informed and to be a part of the decision. You still are a part of the decision...because you can say NO. I didn't have a voice in this, so I won't be doing it. I doubt you'll be willing to stand up for yourself like that, but it's what you should do for the sake of the relationship...otherwise the resentment will start to kill your love.
At the very least, you should talk to your GF about your feelings...explain why you feel taken for granted, taken advantage of, etc. It's not right for her to make plans on your behalf. It kind of sounds like she waited until the last minute to tell you so that you wouldn't really have the chance to say no or to suggest an alternative arrangement. Not cool. Very not cool. Somewhere around here there's a document called "The Stepparent Bill Of Rights" You need to find it, read it, apply it to your life.
This kind of stuff happens all the time to stepmoms, even more than stepdads, because, no offense, but most guys just assume all women are going to naturally adore their little monsters and just love doing all kinds of extra stuff for them. My DH used to pull this kind of nonsense on me all the time when we first married. "Oh yeah! I told my ex we'd pick up SD this afternoon but I'm at this meeting..." (30 minutes notice). "Oh yeah! I told SS he could have FIVE friends over for the day over Christmas break. I'm out all day...enjoy!) (30 minutes notice). Etc. I started leaving every time something like this happened. For the entire day. Not my kids, not my problem. DH is now pretty good at communicating stuff relating to the kids...every once in a while he still tries to pull a fast one on me...but I have my keys and have no problem finding a way to entertain myself for the day if I need to.
No, you are not wrong in any
No, you are not wrong in any way on this. I would suggest that you have a discussion with your SO pronto.
You are in a great place regarding this issue. So, be direct. Tell your SO that you are happy to help out with the drop off for the next two weeks... However..... in the future she and her X need to understand that they cannot ever again make decisions that will effect you without your involvement and full consent from the first second of that discussion.
My assumption is that you and your SO are equity life partners. That makes you equity parents to any children in your joint home and you not only should be you should tolerate nothing less than full participation in decisioning on the topic. Not only that, you are equity life partner and an equity parent in your home/relationship with your SO but you far trump the BioDad. He gets no say in anything that impacts you in any way or anything that impacts your home and family.
Your SO needs clarity on this pronto. As for BioDad... he gets consideration only if he is reasonable. If he is not... no one should give a shit about him.
Bwhahaha..." As for BioDad...
Bwhahaha..." As for BioDad... he gets consideration only if he is reasonable. If he is not... no one should give a shit about him."
Yeah, tell that to the Jude when bio-dad hauls Mom into court for contempt. I'm sure you're aware a good share of COs have the pesky little "mutual agreement" thing going on in it. Many even state bio-dad not only gets a say but must help pay for childcare.
I realize you and your wife did not live close to the sperm clan and your son had limited visitation. You and wife could do the outta sight, outta mind thing. But, you had it lucky. Parents with a more even custody/parenting time share don't get to just tell bio-dad to f-off.
Sure you can tell the blended
Sure you can tell the blended family pposition, in this case BioDad, to F-off. They can F-off over anything not specifically stipulated in the CO. They can also specifically comply with the elements specified in the CO or they can get pummelled in court. Of course that applies to both sides of the NCP/CP equation.
I know of no CO that requires that either party comply with the wishes of the other party regarding what occurs in the home and on the time of the other party. I find it hard to believe that anyone would be found in contempt by a Judge for anything not specifically covered in the CO. Opinions of what should occur on the other parents time are not enforcible unless they are specifically stated in the CO. Not even by a Judge.
The CP gets no say in what the NCP does in the NCP's home on the NCP's time with the kid(s) and the same applies to NCP regarding what goes on during the CP's time and in the CP's home.
So yes, BioDad can F-off. As can BM if it is warranted.
For some reason far too may blended family partners take a less than assertive position with the opposition. If the opposition is unreasonable then they can do as the CO stipulates or suffer the consequences. On anything not specified in the CO... they can F-off.
Its entirely up to you how
Its entirely up to you how you want this to go. If you are expected or asked to be a part of their transportation routine and your requirement for that is to be included in all the decision making concerning this, than by all means you can make that a stipulation and express that to the parents.
You can also just say NO, I will not transport the kids. Up to you. Think about how you want this to go and how you would like things to be moving forward.
I will tell you what though, DH and his ex have never included me in any decision making for their children and vice versa, I never included my DH in any decision making that my son's father and I would make for our son. If I needed help with my bio son, I would simply ask for it. And vice versa. You have to ask and not expect for the step parent to just buy into whatever is decided.