Crazy Bio mom ruining my life
I need help. I am writing to you, in complete tears, mostly in frustration.
I am a Step-mom to a beautiful and wonderful, emotionally challenged 10 year old girl. She is awesome. Her Bio mom… is not. She is a headache.
My guy is from the states, and mom is from Canada. She was a drug user, and I am still not sure why he dated her – he said he was young. My guy is not into drugs/alcohol. Hes got a couple degrees and is a really good man, and father.
BM is a major control freak – of the kid only. She has always has to CONTROL every aspect of her life. She swears at the kid, throws things, degrades her, has seriously insane mood swings, and temper tantrums, and is a master manipulator.
My kid, as lovely as she is, takes on a lot of her mother’s traits.
Last year, BM assaulted my SD. This landed her with simple assault charges, and 18 months of probation, court ordered anger management (which she hasn’t finished), and parenting classes (which she never did), and child support payments (which she doesn’t pay). She also collects the child tax revenue from CRA, and hasn’t told them she lost custody over a year ago.
She was also granted partial custody (weekends only).
The whole interaction with her has been stressful – sometimes I think she does it on purpose just to make us angry.
She allows my SD to stay up on weekends until 1-2 am (last night kid went to bed at 5:30am). So like all kids, she gets SUPER grumpy, and then has these INTENSE meltdowns. Like complete insanity. Ive never seen a meltdown like these.
Her mom sets her up, she knows she will have a melt down, and makes sure she stays up late, just to make our lives hell.
BM has always blamed dad for everything, has constantly told my SD her dad is a horrible person, and not to trust him. Well, she lives with us now, which makes it difficult. She loves her dad, but her mom causes SO much drama, and my SD inherently believes all the BS her mom says. my SD has a really hard time with separating herself from her mom - she thinks she is her mom. we have to repeatedly tell her that she is not her mom. the crazy part is, my SD believes that her mom is the greatest, that her mom did nothing wrong, and that we were at fault, because "we took her away from her mom". battered women syndrome? stockholm syndrome? i don't know.
We have had so many issues - I don’t even know where to start.
She will not take responsibility for anything. After the assault, she blamed my SD, my guy, and me for the incident. We weren’t even there. She said if the kid had only listened, this wouldn’t have happened.
She lied to RCMP, child/social services, refused to allow us to get counseling for my SD, lies to my SD all the time. She also LOVES to make promises to my SD (ie. About schedule changing, like she would pick up my SD mid week and they would spend all weekend together. Then when we would say “no, you have school”, my SD would cry and get all upset about how her mom promised her. Which of course, makes us look like the bad parents. Then she sends a myriad of volatile insults via text message about how we are bad parents and blackmailing her, and that a child should always stay with the mother).
Lately she has been threatening us with taking us to court, which is fine, she will lose. But she will purposely keep my SD up on Friday nights, because she knows that my SD will have a massive meltdown on Saturday and cry about how we grounded her for whatever. (just grounded her for being 2 hours late, and couldn’t find her anywhere, when we asked her where she was, she said she forgot about the time, and that she isn’t wearing a watch. When we ask her where her watch is, she says its in her room. Then proceeds to tell us how unfair it is to ground her because she is an abused kid. She is smart too. BUT then she goes and tells her mom, that we grounded her because she wasn’t wearing a watch. Which isn’t true).
So I’ve been getting threats from BM saying I cant come anywhere near her kid, that she is taking me to court, that I am crazy, and a bad person, and that I have no right to be involved in the parenting process. She also told me that I have to run my household a certain way, and that if i have any issues with the kid, that i am not allowed to talk to my SD but i have to talk to her. yea.. not happening.
my SD knows her mom is a loony-tune, but she loves her anyway - which we want. we want her to have a healthy relationship with her mom. but her mom is SO manipulative and evil.
She picks a fight EVERY day, about something ridiculous.
I’m at my wits end, I’ve seen a councilor, and it didn’t help. What do I do?
I don’t talk to her, and my guy doesn’t tell me about what she texts him. But how do I deal with someone like her?
HELP
Taking the high road will get
Taking the high road will get you nowhere with a crazy person. It just amps up the crazy.
It sounds like this kid is living with you full time. So it is your house, your rules. I don't care who's kid is the parent in my house, if you live with me you live by my rules.
I would look into getting "My family wizard". All contact goes through that. No personal texts. Communication at set, predictable times with bio mom. I would also ask in each email when you can expect child support, and that you will be contacting the csa in your state. That should shut her crap down. Let must know that if enforced, and it goes through the Canadian government, they will get wind that she doesn't have custody.
Limit contact with BM to
Limit contact with BM to email only. Unless she sits at a computer all day, it will seriously cut out some of the nit-picking crap. My DH did this with BM who does sit at a desk all day, and it works. Of course you will get a ton of hounding text messages and phone calls the first month or so because BM is trying to push her boundaries to see if he will give in BUT if your DH ignores her text and calls and only responds to important emails with brief replies it will seriously slow her down.
You can go ahead and stop complaining about BM letting the kid stay up all night, it's just how it is and there's nothing you can do about it. My SS4 goes to his BMs every weekend in the school year and he comes back with bags under his eyes and in a complete sh!t mood that lasts until Monday afternoon (after 12hours of sleep and a 2hr nap then next day). The BM doesn't care about how the child acts on your time-it's your problem and she's not going to stop being a Disney Parent because YOU don't like dealing with a cranky ten year old. Unfair? Absolutely, but take it from someone who's griped and complained for the last 2 years that SS4 isn't getting enough sleep over there-it does nothing but make you the bad guy and gives BM a thrill she's making your life more difficult. Start working on ways to fix it. We put SS to bed an hour earlier than usual on Sunday nights and he naturally sleeps an extra hour during nap on Mondays. Perhaps suggest your SD start taking naps after school or having an early bedtime during the week.
BM can only create drama in your household if you keep playing into it. The girl is 10, tell her she lives in two households and nothing should transfer other to the other. If she lied to her mom saying she got punished for not having a watch when really it was because she was two hours late past curfew then she gets punished for lying (and ignore BM's attempt to fight about it). You're letting a ten year old and her mother run your household and you need to stop letting them.
The only thing you can do is
The only thing you can do is don't deal with her-at all. I get your frustration.
We had to pull the skids away covered in black and blue and get cps involved, bmonster threatening to throw battery acid down one of their throats, her oldest daughter, not my sd, escaped to her dad's (but as an adult is back living with bm now), bm is bipolar and on hubby #4 and isn't even 40. They all live with her now. Now that they are older she manipulates with coddling, forget things like a quality education it is all about saying yes to run to see the latest internet boy sensation and spending money on that kind of thing instead of any real guidance. She has PAS'd one kid completely away from my dh (who is by pretty much everyone's account a great guy), and has attempted to do same with the other. Well, that story is just to tell you it is baffling but there is for some kids no way to counteract the bm pull they have. Blood is thicker than water often.
You need to become less attached, you will only get more hurt in the end. And the kid will end up worshipping at the feet of the pos bm anyway.
You are so dead on. Same
You are so dead on. Same thing happened to me and DH. POS, alcoholic, welfare receiving "BM" PAS'd both SD and SS against DH and me. However, I take the brunt bc I am not blood. Disengage, disengage, disengage!
Everyone offered outstanding
Everyone offered outstanding support on this thread.
I have to ask what is your sd diagnosis? What is emotionally challenged? shy? Awkward, in need of tutors and additional educators support?
I hope my question does not come across as being rude.
One more thing, It is very
One more thing, It is very ODD at least here in the states that bm has unsup visits considering she assaulted her child.
Where I live THIS would not fly. Especially with a mentally challenged or assumed emotionally challenged child. Our cps would not have been so nice.
Children with mental health concerns are very vulnerable. BIG red flag to me.
Troubling to read bm knows sd does not fair well staying UP very late,,yet encourages her daughter to do so.
BM can rant and spew all she
BM can rant and spew all she wants about you and how you and your DH parent in your home .... then she can go F herself because that is about all her rants are good for.
Time to quit tolerating her crap and start handing BM her own ass.
Confront the SD with the facts, the facts, and nothing but the facts. DH should roll out the CO and review it with her. Show her what the CO says, explain to her why your DH has custody, and provide any supplemental facts that highlight BM's bullshit.
Then you lather, rinse, and repeat any time BM steps out of line or SD channels her toxic BM in her own behaviors. When BM threatens court... you and DH take the court initiative and go in loaded for bear. Log every BM transgression, record every rant and phone conversation (make sure to verify that recording your own conversations is legal in your location), document, document, document.
Do not allow BM any wiggle room in compliance with the CO and make sure SD has a very clear presentation of your household rules of acceptable behavior and clearly understands that choosing to violate those rules will have immediate appropriate consequences.
Rather than allowing the blended family opposition or even my own SKid to ruin my life I made it my mission to bring the pain down on the SpermClan (our blended family opposition) like a ton of crap in a 1Gal ziplock and provide clarity to my SKid by keeping him abreast of the comprehensive facts of the blended family situation (in an age appropriate manner) and clarity on the expectations of behavior that his mom and I had for him.
Then I made protecting my family and my own happiness from toxic blended family opposition bullshit my favorite hobby. And I was very, very, very good at it.
The only way BM can ruin your life is if you let her ruin your life. So, step up and ruin hers instead.
Have fun! }:)