"The talk" about boundaries and expectations with SD

Forums:

FIRST & FOREMOST, I would like to THANK the posters who offered advice, shared their experiences, and validated my thoughts and feelings in my last 2 posts. The feeling of being understood and not alone empowered me to finally calm down, find my voice, and utilize my insight and rational mind, and for that, "I THANK YOU..."

My question to all of you is “Should DH and I have a convo with daughter/SD about her expectations and our expectations regarding our relationship going forward, or just let our actions inform her? If we do have the convo, how should be approach it and any tips/advice?” Below is a recap of my situation…

A quick recap of my situation and update- my husband and I both recently found out that he had a 18 year old daughter he did not know about - 3 days after I miscarried (I was 6 weeks... Talk about timing). He is the biological father and truly did not know about his daughter. Since then, it's has been a roller coaster of emotions for us, but especially me, as I grieved the lost our previously set dream of starting our own family with just the 2 of us. In a nutshell, DH and I are going to figure this all out together. He is an amazing man who is intelligent, kind, loving, and considerate. He has always said (prior to SD) and continues to show through his actions that I am his top priority. With the help of time, our therapist, and now this forum, my DH and I decided to strategize how we handle this rather than just “go with the flow.” We decided to schedule a set time to discuss our feelings regarding this situation and try not to talk about our feelings regarding it at other times to allow us to try and continue with our daily lives and return to some type of normalcy. We started on Saturday and since then has talked on Sunday and yesterday. This idea is much better than the free-for-all emotional vomit that was occurring when every communication we would have would be about this situation – VERY exhausting… I took suggestions from you posters and came up with a running list of topics for DH and I to discuss. Yesterday we talked about money matters and our expectations. Happily, DH and I are on the same page.
DH and I both decided that we need to set boundaries now, as this is the time when the foundation and expectations of our relationship with daughter/SD going forward is being set. Instead of talking everyday and immediately answering or responding to her, we would slow down the responses by calling or texting back later in the day. I shared with DH the sage advice and comments I got from this group, and we both agreed that we would like to consider her feelings and acknowledge that she is his biological daughter, but that he would not fulfill the “father figure” role, and would be considered more like the relationship you have with a cousin… We will never be rude or exclude her, but make it known that we have a life that existed and was built before we knew she existed, and would like for her to acknowledge and respect our privacy.
2 QUESTIONS/ISSUES I would appreciate your feedback on:
a) A part of me trusts that DH and I are on the same page, as evidenced by his words and nonverbal behaviors during our discussion, but there’s a part of me that fears he is not okay with setting boundaries with her and feels back not responding to her immediately because he typically responds immediately to his friends and other family. I told him that while he may feel uncomfortable because he is treating his daughter differently, this situation is different and she needs to be treated differently – he agrees that if things continue the way its going that he may be building her up for false expectations and high hopes and therefore agrees with setting boundaries. He says that he just is uncomfortable setting boundaries because he does not want to be rude. I reminded him that he’s uncomfortable because we don’t have kids yet and have never had to set boundaries with a child figure (I consider her a child figure despite her age).
b) His daughter lives across town and we have not physically met her yet. We have skyped, texted, and talked on the phone. We plan to have a face-to-face visit in 1 month… A part of me wonders if we should have a conversation with her about her expectations and share with her ours, and that part of me thinks it’s a good idea because I would like all of us to be on the same page. Then another part of me wonders if as long as DH and I are on the same page, our actions will inform daughter/SD of our pace and we won’t need to have the direct convo.
In short, my question – “Should DH and I have a convo with daughter/SD about her expectations and our expectations regarding our relationship going forward, or just let our actions inform her? If we do have the convo, how should be approach it and any tips/advice?”

Thank you for your response,

Thank you for your response, and thank you for your suggestions. I will talking about this with my DH - beginning with acknowledging how unusual our situation is, being clear, avoiding subtlety, and directly asking daughter/SD her expectations, while also sharing ours.

She is going to college on a

She is going to college on a scholarship. My DH (thankfully) does not feel any guilt in this situation because he was not informed until now. I actually respect his maturity and acceptance, as he did not get upset at the BM and stated, "I don't know if I should be mad, but I'm not. I feel it would be a waste of time and energy to have negative feelings involved."

Thank you anotherstep2. I

Thank you anotherstep2. I appreciate you standing up for me and I agree - I'd rather hear supportive things because I'm very aware of the consequences and can drum up enough negativity for myself. I do appreciate realistic feedback, but right now, I'm looking for people to share their experience so I somewhat normalize mine as well as learn from them, and share their advice and suggestions. I'm actively searching for a way to process all this and make the most informed decision that is considerate of my marriage first.

Thank you - I definitely will

Thank you - I definitely will include your suggestion of "kindly and gently explain that although you two are delighted to make her acquaintance, she needs to respect the privacy of your own family" (AMEN to that!!!) And Amen to this: "She should understand that your home is not hers, that she will not be dropping by unannounced, that she is not "entitled" to be fully integrated into what you married."

Do you have any suggestions on how to start the conversation? Also, what are your thoughts with doing this over skype sooner than 1 month versus waiting until we see her face-to-face in 1 month

When she drops by unannounced

When she drops by unannounced then you can say that we are really sorry but we did not know you were coming over, we are busy right now but if next time you give us a call we can see if we are free. Or if you are free just say it is great to see you and luckily this time we are free but next time we would appreciate it if you called us first as we might have other plans. Basically wait until she crosses that line. In the days of cell phones I do not really know anyone except for very close neighbors who would drop by my place without checking first if we were free.

I agree that we're going too

I agree that we're going too fast in terms of texting immediately and responding to her phone calls. My DH has never initiated a text or call, but has always responded immediately. I suggested that he wait to respond and deflect her requests for skype and phone calls. He initially was hesitant because he does not do that to his friends. But we both agreed (yay) that boundaries need to be set and he agreed to try my suggestion.

I appreciate your feedback on how the relationship is between him and her and I'm a bystander. I did feel that way in the beginning, and I think that part of me felt lost, out of control, defeated, and in a sense, slowly dying. But after feedback from other posters and time to reflect, I now realize that while she is his biological daughter, our situation is ours to write, and she needs to understand that a relationship with him means a relationship with me. I'm cognizant of people's tendency to split, especially children splitting parents, and I made it clear that this is something that will not happen. Luckily my DH and I agree that we're going to make decisions together and always appear as a team/unit to his daughter.

Poor dude who thought BM was

Poor dude who thought BM was being honest. 18 years ago, WOW why hasn't anyone mentioned him.

I wonder what lame story BM made for this.

"it was an accident, I didn't know, I thought I was doing the right thing for my child"

How about between the two guys Guy number one had more money for child support So I picked HIM, you know forward thinking and all that because it was in the best interest of my child.

Oh these stories get to the heart of so many situations. MONEY

No advise but It is not the right thing for all of a sudden expect a man to foot any bill. BM should do it.

Guess since the child is now emancipated mom is not that concerned or willing to pay

Where is ON paper bio dad, you know the fake on BM claimed?
Has he sued BM?

My husband is a positive

My husband is a positive person who does not see how anyone involved can benefit from negativity. He is not angry and just wants the best outcome for everyone involved.

I believe goodluck means who

I believe goodluck means who has been paying CS all of these years? It's possible BM just picked the wealthier of the two who she was with at the time for the money which is why she didn't inform your husband all these years because she had another man who thought he was the father. Is there a father listed on the birth certificate?

These are questions that should be asked for legal purposes.

BM has been dating another

BM has been dating another man for over a decade and is engaged to him. This man was the one who raised her after the man BM thought was the original dad dug out. I think the timeline is original "dad" left when girl was 3 or 4, and BM's fiance came into the picture shortly after, and is still there. BM told my DH and I that while her fiance has been there to raise the girl, the girl has "never truly accepted [fiance] as her dad and has been saving a piece of her heart for you, her real father." I almost threw up in my mouth when I heard that. I'm sure BM said it out of sincere emotion, but all I could think of was, "really? B*tch." Sorry for the negativity and profanity guys, this forum allows me to vent so I don't vent to my DH. THanks.

BM has been dating another

Lol I would have flat out

Lol I would have flat out said that to my DH. Okay, yeah, so BM has decided everything that happens and she does is for her benefit, unreal. Women like her piss me off because you don't just get to bounce around different father figures for your child when one, or two, or three doesn't work out.

LoL. Thanks.

Thank you for sharing your

Thank you for sharing your story. A part of me knows that I need to consider the girl's perspective and feelings too... I'm not completely "there" yet as I'm scrambling to rebuild my DH and my foundation as well as my sense of reality... But hearing your story reminded me of my eventual need/should to consider her as well.

So glad you and your DH are

So glad you and your DH are on the same page. A word of caution: It is important to trust that your DH and you both want the same things, the doubt however, will still be there and will diminish in time AND occasionally he WILL slip up. Don't freak out if he does, it doesn't mean he doesn't want the same thing as you, he does, just didn't know which was the right decision to make at the time he was making it.

With that said, here are is a way to start the conversation with SD:

(Also, make sure you let your DH handle most, if not all of the talking. He might say the wrong thing, but that is something you guys can address after the conversation.)

Before we go any further, we kind of want to know what you expect out of this relationship and where you hope this will go? We don't have a normal parent child relationship and we may be so different that you might be disappointed in who I am so I'd like to know what you were hoping for when you contacted me?

Then you guys can get a feel for what she wants and what you guys are willing to give and make a compromise.

With that said--

GET YOUR AFFAIRS IN ORDER. Wills, trusts, deeds, what-have-you's--not knowing you had a child does not stop them from being entitled to inheritances. If you guys eventually have a great family relationship, and you want to include her, awesome. But for now, make sure everything is updated ASAP which room for the future (such as having a provision for "future children from the marriage between x and x." in case there was no time to update before a tragedy happened.)

Sorry to be morbid.

Also, yes, who is, if anyone, on the birth certificate as her father? Who has been, if there were anyone, paying CS all these years?

I don't know who is on the

I don't know who is on the birth certificate as the father. I know its not my DH right now. Is it wrong of me to suggest that whoever is on it stays on it, or does my DH have to be on the birth certificate now?

Thank you for your suggestion of how to start the conversation. I agree that this is a conversation that needs to been done, and the most direct method is ideal.

Capital N. O. Capital NO NO

Capital N. O.

Capital NO NO NO NO NO.

Unless your DH wants to track down the father on the cert, go through the lengthy legal process of getting it changed, possibly adopting her in the process, and then be on the hook for inheritance.

NO.

If another man is on the birth certificate, legally that man is her father, giving you guys a level of protection in that he will not have to pay for college if he does not wish it to be and likewise, not have her entitled to inheriting if he does not wish it.

Hallelujah! This forum is a

Hallelujah! This forum is a Godsend.

Can the BM change it without

Can the BM change it without DH and I knowing?

She could probably photoshop

She could probably photoshop the BC. It fooled the CS magistrate in my case when the Gir presented her so called W2 form; the first year she landed her sweet job as a CPS worker. 42k POOF! became 24k

thinkthrice, don't you just

thinkthrice, don't you just LOVE those talented people who fake stuff, and/or have the technology to scam people.

You too huh?

Nope. Has to be done with the

Nope. Has to be done with the consent of all parties involved at this point, especially since removing someone from the BC is not an easy process.

She could photoshop it but then would have to explain why the man that was originally on it had to pay CS (even for the short time he did) if he WASN'T the father listed on the BC.

Thank you!

I would still look up the

I would still look up the laws where you live or talk to a lawyer to double check inheritance laws. It is always better to be safe than sorry. Also your husband may well decide he wants to leave something for his daughter anyway and perhaps in a year or 6 months or when they have established some sort of relationship you should discuss it with him so you are aware of his plans and wills can be drawn up accordingly.

Emilly2016--What I have

Emilly2016--What I have learned is this, if anyone is like a dog on a bone with their intent, nothing will stop them from doing what ever they want to. NOTHING matters to them EVEN when it is immoral, unethical, and unlawful.

It is a sad sad reality I learned a few years ago.

SHOCKING when it slaps you in the face and you have no other option but to see the depth of deception people will go to. Your husbands ex did just that didn't she?

*I think yours and your husbands intent is pure, not so sure about mother of this now adult child*

Wow, that's a lot to deal

Wow, that's a lot to deal with. Especially right after a miscarriage.
I'm so sorry for your loss.

I agree with the others who said that he should ask what she wants from the relationship. Everyone should be on the same page right from the beginning.

I have an aquaintance who's in the same situation, sort of. He had a daughter find him when she was 16-18. My friend and her DH have been married for years and have 2 children.
BM was a high school ex who he never thought twice about after they broke up. She moved away and he had no idea she was pregnant.
It was a big shock but they dealt with it as a couple and because they were on the same page they have come through it just fine. There were bumps, the SD wanted more of a relationship than he was willing to commit to and SD blamed his wife.
In the end he said he's like an uncle. He's there for support and advice but his wife and their family are his priority.

That's my dream - that we

That's my dream - that we will come out fine and that my DH will say (and genuinely feel) the same thing your aquaintance did... Do you recall if he and his wife came to that conclusion immediately, or were there issues that they had to sort out, like was the wife upset at first?

If I were that girl I would

If I were that girl I would want to meet my bio Dad but I would also have some reservations about who this man is. I think both of you should approach this with caution.

My father met his bio mother (who abandoned him at 2 so he had no memory of her) in his 20s. They never really had a bond. I knew her too but I didn't have a bond with her either. She died when I was in my mid 20s. She was not someone that I wanted in my life. His bio father died decades earlier.

There are many men who are clinical sperm donors. I don't know that if any of them would welcome a child appearing in their lives as an adult. Your DH was an unwilling sperm donor. He should not be punished or held to another standard just because they had an orgasm with a partner rather than with a paper cup.

I would explain but keep it

I would explain but keep it direct and simple.

Something along the lines of:

"We are thrilled to have you in our lifes. We do not intend to interfere in your life and we will repsect reasonable boundaries in our relationship. We assume you will too. This is a big change for all of us and in order for all of us to navigate this as smoothly was possible we all need to commit to being open and reasonable when dealing with all of the things we will all have to deal with as we move forward,

You are welcome to call or contact us at any time and we will get back to you as soon as we can. We assume the same will work for you. Let us know your thoughts.

If anything arrises that may be a problem we ask that we talk about it as soon as possible in a reasonable and respectful manner so that we can work together to address any issues before they become more significant than they need to be."

The detail can be developed and clarified as you all three move forward with this major life changing revelation.

I would suggest going forward from there.

You and DH should also probably consult a lawyer to map out contingencies for potential legal action if BM or SD choose to go that route. Better to be prepared than caught flat footed.

Things that come to my risk manager/engineeric mind....

1. Attempts to gain financially by BM/SD. I would suggest that you speak to your attorney about counter offensive strategies to nail BM to the wall if she goes that route. If she stays reasonable then there is no need to engage that strategy.

2. Attempts by the State to recoup the costs of any social benefits that BM/SD may have received.

These are the primary risks I see initially. There are countless emotional risks and it would probably be good to have contingencies in place for those too if you, DH, or SD need some help processing and dealing with challenging epiphany.

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"The talk" about boundaries and expectations with SD