Selfish Prick of a SS17
SS17 comes for a visit ( lives with spouse's ex). Selfish. Entitled but very high functioning autism. Buys all kinds of stuff for himself. Knows the value of money. Articulate. Smart. Aware. You wouldn't know he has autism. ...it is more like asbergers now.
Anyway, he always gets a pass for everything.
It is spouse's birthday in a few days. SS has been working and has money. Kids wanted to do a joint gift. About $100. I told SS to put in $40. He said OKAY and then told my spouse about it!
Spouse confronted me and said " oh well, he needs his money". Some bullshit about the ex not buying him food or some such thing. SS12 says its BS too. Kid just wants to eat out all the time so uses his money for that.
I flipped out. Told SS17 that he was selfish and he should be "ashamed of himself". I also took back the speakers that I gave him ( they were my old ones) and he can suck it. Greedy selfish little asshole.
Doesn't sound like the kids
Doesn't sound like the kids wanted to go in on a group gift afterall...
Maybe he was planning to get
Maybe he was planning to get a gift on his own. Just because the other two wanted to get a joint gift, doesn't mean he had to join them.
If all 3 kids decided to do a joint gift, why didn't they decide on the amount each one would contribute?
I see it differently. $40 is
I see it differently. $40 is probably 4 hours worth of wages. When I made $1 an hour I never spent less than $5 on a present - 5 hours of work. Yes I am that old - I never made more than $1 an hour until I graduated from college.
I doubt a 17yo grosses
I doubt a 17yo grosses $10/hour.
Who decided that there would be a joint gift and what it would be?
You don't sound like you have
You don't sound like you have a very good understanding of his condition.
Sorry. I left out some
Sorry. I left out some important details.
I have two step kids. OneSD 12 and the SS age 17. My bio kid is not involved in the present.
SD12 saved her money. $20. I asked SS to kick in $40 because he is working and because of the exchange rate $40 is like $25 for him in his currency. I was going to pay the rest of it. Price tag of the telescope picked out by the kids was $120. I was fine with that. We all wanted to get a decent one.
SS17 originally wanted to ante up $17 because that is what he had in his wallet and didn't feel like going to the ATM again. I said I would drive him.
SS17 has been buying up stuff ( for himself) like crazy since he got here. All he talks about is what he is buying next. I reminded him last week that spouse's birthday is coming up.
HE is on the spectrum. Very functioning. Straight A student. Almost in university with a scholarship likely to Oxford. Works.
All he thinks about is himself. Never anyone else. Smarts off to my spouse at times too which is a new thing. Spouse gives him a pass. Everybody in the whole damn family keeps giving this kid a pass.
Are the professors going to give him a pass?
Is his employer going to give him a pass?
The rest of the world is not going to keep coddling this kid. He is allowed to eat like a pig, hold his knife and fork wrong ( when he knows how to do it but refuses to).
And he dominates the room...all the time....with constant self-serving chatter and everybody has to just listen and not be rude.
Recently he said that he was listening to an alternative internet American RAPPER who said that 911 was not a "big deal" and everybody made to much of it. He had the audacity to tell me that he agreed. I told him that 99% of Americans were deeply affected by 911, lost a lot of loved ones and it had world impact. I put him in his place with a few choice words. Then he said that he thinks that the satanic bible has some validity and won't shut his trap about how satanism is "misunderstood". This time I went to my spouse and said " stop him". We are Christian and this was offensive.
Okay so I will admit that I am basically sick of this kid and can't wait for him to go home.
And I am tired of always having to placate to his aspergers. He goes to a regular school. Holds down a regular part time job. And he does just fine within the rules of both.
Why not with his "family"? BECAUSE THEY DON"T WANT HIM TO GET UPSET.
Maybe that might change some of the responses, I dunno.
Sounds like your ss does an
Sounds like your ss does an amazing job managing his ASD, pulling down good grades (which he is likely to continue to do in college not sure the professors will have to coddle him), working successfully, and has made many strides. He can not be 'on' at all times. It is probably extremely exhausting for him to do this and he needs to let down at home. It sucks that you are tired of his aspergers (yes it can take a huge amount of patience and understanding) but it isn't likely to make him shake it off and be NT. Given his age it is probably best if you let him make choices about gifts and what to spend and what to get.
And of course I was upset
And of course I was upset with him going to my spouse. IT WAS A SURPRISE AFTER ALL!!!!!
It would not take but about
It would not take but about one time of this to make me change my behavior in the future. You appear to be more vested in the present, than at least one skid, from your description.
You worry about your own present to your husband, not the skids, just my advise. Your efforts appear to be less than fully appreciated, and, that tells me to immediately stop-whatever.
His disability does not give him a license to break any promises, ruin any agreements or change the rules, as/when he may wish. But, I would not try this again with skids, especially this one.
It was a nice thought, but as step parents we often try to live in a rosy world; one that is much different than our reality.
Trust me, we have all learned this lesson, in various ways!
As someone who spent many
As someone who spent many years working in IT (mostly in Silicon Valley) I worked with many people who were "high functioning on the spectrum". Their social skills were quite often a little off - but they were extremely talented and productive. I would never have used the terms "disabled" or "developmentally retarded" with any of them. Quirky - yes.
A high functioning person on the Autism spectrum is in no way the equivalent of someone with Down Syndrome or or other developmentally delayed disorders.
I'd be shocked if my husbands
I'd be shocked if my husbands 18 year old son ever bought him anything or even remembered to call on his birthday or Father's Day. But he always is willing to sell him something which is most likely stolen and/or a piece of crap. That's his way of making money since he refuses to work for minimum wage but is a drop out. Thank God he lives with the mother.
I don't understand why it is
I don't understand why it is so unreasonable to ask a boy of 17 almost 18 with a job to contribute to getting his parent a nice gift. About the exchange rate, he gets more cluck for his buck in the US compared to the GPB. I don't see why it isn't okay to teach generosity. All kids need that modeled for them especially and including Autistic kids.
Your husband should have
Your husband should have taught his son that a long time ago. It isn't your responsibility to that.
The vast majority of parents would be happy with a simple card or letter from their kids.
"Kids wanted to do a joint
"Kids wanted to do a joint gift" - this doesn't sound like OP decided to do a gift and then asked the kids/skids to contribute.
I think it's fine for kids to
I think it's fine for kids to want to give a gift. Making it a joint gift increases ability of the kids spending level. Also, fine.
Where it falls apart is the planning of purchase. How much does each contribute, total amount available to spend, decision of what gift. To first select $120 gift then go round and tell each what they owe is rather backwards. Especially when child is now expected to contribute more than the other children.
The kid is Autistic!
The kid is Autistic! Autistic people often talk ad infinitum on a topic. They will go on and on and on about it for hours, days on end. It's what they do. Minecraft, Religion, Maths, Physics, Politics...depends what their "thing" is.
The kid has job. He earned
The kid has job. He earned the money so he should be free to splurge if he wants.
It's never OK for a SM to try and control how her SK spends his/her money.
He could do something nice for his father without following the OP's instructions.
As a parent I would want to know what was going on. I would be upset if my spouse pulled this stunt on my kid. I have never dictated what type of gift my kid could give me. I have received some pretty nice, crazy, simple, funny, cheap, expensive...gifts from my son over the years and I appreciate them all. If anyone tried to control what he gave me as a gift I would be pissed at that person.
Wait what???? So the grown
Wait what???? :jawdrop:
So the grown ass man who is living off of his wife is fine,
But the teen who is splurging with money he earned from working is a prick?????
It sounds like the kid is more of a man than his loser father.
Just because the kid didn't
Just because the kid didn't want to spend the amount the OP demanded he spend, doesn't mean he was going to neglect his father on his birthday.
Gift giving should come from the heart. It's the thought, not the amount spent that matters.
Can you imagine the uproar if adult SKs tried to dictate how a SM should spend her money? Or if the same SKs decided to play gift police and passed judgment on a gift SM wanted to give their father?
Dang, I would be impressed if
Dang, I would be impressed if my skids even called my DH on his birthday, Father's day or even sent a text. Skids spending money on DH? That's not how it works in the robin household and my skids are adults.
I missed you Fruit! The
I missed you Fruit! The second option is the correct one.
Wow. Thank you all for your
Wow. Thank you all for your comments. Even the harsher ones were insightful. Posting is an interesting thing because you can really "push someone's buttons" unknowingly of course and then you are really raked over the coals. NRNYC really gave me a dressing down. StepAside thanks for your opinions and bible lessons.
I think I actually benefited from this post as it made me look at a few things about myself which some of you touched on:
I AM MAD AT MY SPOUSE. AND HURT. AND FRUSTRATED ABOUT EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS MARRIAGE.
MY SPOUSE IS THE PROBLEM AND NOT THE SKIDS
MY SPOUSE HAS POOR PARENTING AND WILL REAP WHAT HE SOWS.
I WAS BROUGHT UP IN A HOME WHERE MY PARENTS INSTILLED GOOD VALUES OF GENEROSITY, WHERE GIFTS SHOULD BE OF A VALUE THAT ONE CAN AFFORD BUT NOT TO THE POINT OF "CHEAPING OUT".
IT IS OKAY FOR KIDS TO SAVE THEIR MONEY AND BUY A PRESENT FOR......anybody.
I SHOULDN"T HAVE INTERFERED.
I SHOULDN'T HAVE CARED......but I do.
I WILL NEVER ask the SS17 to do anything that his parents won't.
I RESENT HAVING TO PAY FOR SKIDs to the amount that I have because my spouse used me and the kids don't give a rip either.
Yeah. So maybe I am just bitter. And maybe I did overstep or handle it wrong. Maybe I should be more mindful of the SS's autism and his limitations.
BUT what I won't do is give the speakers to him. He ruined the surprise. Upset the SD12.
I told SS to keep his money. The gift will be from SD12 and I will pay the difference. SS17 can get spouse a card or whatever.
Those of you who said it is not my problem....you are right.
Even though we are heading for divorce, I still love spouse and am glad to have helped SD in getting this gift.
You sound like a really
You sound like a really generous person who has been taken advantage of. I know this happens a lot to stepmoms, and it has happened to me in the past, though DH and I are busy correcting it. I honestly don't think most of these men MEAN to take advantage of us so badly...they just love their kids and assume we do, too. I do love my stepkids, incidentally, but not to the point that I want to give them everything they desire and upset my own financial security doing so. Anyway, assumptions can be the death of any marriage, but especially one involving stepkids, I think.
I don't think it's wrong to ask a 17-year-old (aka nearly adult) child who is working to contribute to a gift, though I don't know that I'd set a specific dollar amount. Maybe sit around and talk with the kids and find out how much each is able to contribute rather than setting a price. I was also raised to be generous with gifts, so I do think SS sounds pretty chintzy with his dad. At 17, I would have had no problem spending $40 on a birthday present for a parent, and that was almost 20 years ago. I spent liberally on myself, too (clothes, movies, hanging out with friends), but I always made sure I had enough $$ to treat my little sisters from time-to-time and to give nice presents. I don't know that I'd call SS an asshole, but he certainly seems entitled and self-centered. Now you know...he's on his own with gifts from now on.
Oh yes....OUTLAW and the
Oh yes....OUTLAW and the others: thank you for your support! But I actually do appreciate the comments from everybody.
Surfchica, I was not trying
Surfchica, I was not trying to be disrespectful at all. Your feelings are completely legitimate. I was trying to use humor to show the flip side.
I get it, I really do. It used to drive me crazy that I was running around getting the gifts, coordinating the event and bending over backwards (I can still do that) trying to make everyone feel included. It wasn't acknowledged or a joint effort at all. Now, I rarely give a d*mn but I still feel guilty about it.
17 is old enough to make a solo purchase for a parent's birthday. Don't take years like I did to learn.
Everybody makes mistakes, most everyone has done something in the heat of the moment that they would change if possible.
I hope you are taking care of yourself. It sounds like you are under a lot of stress. If you are aware that you might be bitter, well, you're more self aware than most people. Don't let it change the authentic you. Let it be the beginning of focusing on yourself. Hugs.
I am still appreciating the
I am still appreciating the responses to this post. I most certainly will never "butt in" to the SKIDS gift giving again. SD12 is thoughtful enough to get....something....I don't know what. Seems to be okay with the spouse if she makes a card rather than buy one. Like I said, I am not going to invest time is getting the skids to do anything more than their parents would.
NYC....I will say this....your posts were the most...well...offensive. There is no other word for it. I must have touched a terrible cord for you to write with such venom. You proffer that my "good" values include putting a minimum on gifts, that the thought of the gift means nothing. Read my original posts...the part where I said that the SS17 spends outrageous amounts of money on HIMSELF. I don't think $40 is too much or an imposition. He is Autistic. He has to be told certain things because he does not instinctively get anything and certainly not social norms. $40 in USD is the equivalent of close to $30 in GBP. He needs to be taught not to be selfish. I will say that it is the job of the parents. So if this skill is not high on their list then it shouldn't be on mine. AND THAT IS WHAT I TAKE AWAY from these posts.
As for the speakers, well I
As for the speakers, well I actually told the SS17 that it was wrong of me to pull them back but I just didn't want to reward his spoiling the surprise. Yes. It was my way of punishing him. So I told SS17 he could still have them. You know what he said??????
He said.............
" Are you sure they really work? I mean, I am not going to take them all the way back to Britain if they don't work well. It is not like I can test them here to really see. You said that they do but they have been in the garage. But you also said that the garage is clean and that the speakers did not fall down or anything. But since I don't know how they really sound, I may be wasting my time. If they do sound good, I don't know if I will like them anyway. Maybe there is something I will like better. Maybe I will like something bigger. My suitcase is already heavy enough with all the record albums that I bought. I don't want to go overweight and have to pay more money. I don't want to use my debit card at the counter because I might get charged fees".
All the above was without taking any pauses......or breaths.......like always I stood there patiently listening.
By the way, the speakers are great, cost a pretty penny I may add ( don't hate me NYC....it is not the thought of the speakers that make good speakers, it is the quality and the MONEY you have to spend to get the sound).
So............I am going to keep these speakers........and put them back into the garage.