Need some advice

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Hello all! Im new here, so here is a little background.
I have two daughters, age 10 and 8 from a previous relationship. Their dad and i voluntarily have joint custody.We co-parent well, we agree on 98% of issues, if we cant agree, we just do things our own way in our own homes. We live ten mins from eachother, with their school being the halfway point. My girls are with me 14 days a month, and him 14 days a month, 7 days at a time. It works wonderfully.
My DH and i have been together for 2 years and married for 1. He has a 4 year old daughter from a previous relationship (HUGE mess there)
We have a 7 month old son together. Here are my issues and complaints.

My DH had an on and off again thing with the mother of his daughter. He didnt even find out she was pregnant until she was 7 mos along...wasnt allowed to attend the birth, wasnt put on the birth certifcate, and was only allowed to visit the hospital once. He found out she was born on fb...
The only way BM would allow him to see her is if he paid an atrocious amount of money in CS, and if he would jump every time she requested it. He did all these things. He saw his daughter 3 times from the time she was born until 6 months old. At 6 months old, he started taking her biweekly.
They briefly got back together when SD was 1-14 mos old, then they split for good. DH continued paying the ridiculous CS amount and getting bi weekly visits, that would be revoked without reason at any time, and he just sat back and took it.
SD was 2 years old when i came into her life. My DH is clueless about child rearing, and basically did exactly everything bio mom told him to do, no matter how ridiculous. When things started to progress with us, he asked me parenting advice that i happily gave. I got his daughter off the bottle (which has completely stopped all her ear infections, but hasnt helped her buck teeth), and when she turned 3 i singlehandedly potty trained her.
When we got engaged, we talked extensively about how we were going to blend. Was it going to be "my kids" and "his kid" or what? we agreed that they are OUR kids, and they will have the same rules and (agre appropriate expecations)
All 3 girls are sisters, and you cant tell them otherwise. There is no jealousy, fighting, etc. They act like "real "sisters. Very thankful for that.
Ok so, first issue. I love my SD, treat her like my own when shes with us, i disclipine her the most and get the most hugs and kisses. Everything works nicely.
Then my son was born.
When he was born, i did NOT want her around him at all. I am 100% ashamed and feel like total crap about this...so please no flaming. Ive been seeing a therapist to help me deal with these issues (it all lays with issues with BM, not the child, and im learning to differentiate)
When SD would come here, she would be totally clung to DH and acting babyish. I expected this...i did NOT expect her to pull his hair. kick the playmat when he was on it, and other little outbursts. Ive yelled at her a few times about it, and then DH took over to complete the discipline.
I no longer have those issues with her, and she loves her little brother greatly and alawyas wants to help.
I dont want her around him. I just want him with me and my girls. Im thrilled that he looks like me and my daughters and nothing like her (shes adorable, so i really dont know why i feel this way-ugh) I dont like when my DH compares them.

Second issue. SD has NO rules at home. Her mom has explicitly told DH to never discipline her because she "doesnt want her to know shes ever in trouble" She comes here, and after a year old being told the same things, she jumps on the couch, takes food without asking, stuffs wrappers under her bed, DESTROYS my house, etc
We have a chore chart. So, in the morning after all the girls play and baby goes for a nap we start our chores so that we can continue on with the day. 75% of the time she is on board and happy to help. The rest odf the time its "no, i dont want to" "no, my mom says i dont have to listen to you" etc
Which is met with "i understand you dont want to, but, you have to! so, lets pick up all the white things first" etc, "Im sorry your mommy feels that way but when you are here, yes you do have to listen to me" (that statement is directed at both DH and i and that is both of our response)
She has had to stay home from the park, go without dessert, got toys taken away and she DOES NOT CARE. she just sits on her bed. when we put her for a time out, she becomes fixated on her comforter and cries maybe 3 tears and then just sits there. We talk to her, and dont expect anything crazy of her....please help with that.
We plan family outings and we announce that if SD doesnt help do her chores, we arent going. For the first 9 mons my girls would encourage her to clean up, and even help her. Now, they just groan and roll their eyes at her and they are SICK OF IT! DH and i do NOT blame them at all.
DH and i are 100% on the same page...hes just CLUELESS. we have talked and talked about how to handle this...and hes still at a loss.
Any tips would be greatly appreciated.
BM is one of the worst humans on the planet, and uses her child as a trophy. SD is very behind in a lot of ways that we have been helping her with....but yet, she comes to our house with a full face of (almost) perfectly applied makeup...that SD did herself. Her clothing is that of a 20 year old...she basically treats the child like a dolly to dress up.
BM has tried SEVERAL times to get him back, she will NOT Look me in my face, will NOT acknowledge me when i speak, will NOT acknowledge my existence, except to trash talk me to her family and my SD.ALLL weekend long i hear "my mommy said you are ugly" "my mommy said you are fat" "my mommy said Bentley has a stupid name" "My mommy said daddy had a new baby because he doesnt love me anymore" my mommy my mommy my mommy ALL FREAKIN WEEKEND and i honestly want to yell "YOUR MOMMY IS A TWIT!!" LOL. Of course i wont.
Ok ill just leave it at this for now, this was a lot longer than i intended to be!
Thoughts and advice?

There are probably a few

There are probably a few things going on.

1st is that the girl is 4 and most definitely willing and able to test boundaries.

2nd is that her mother is doing the Parental Alienation thing.

I think that what you and your DH are doing with the child is pretty appropriate and I think that eventually it will sink in a bit more.

I do have a few questions.

Does your DH have DNA evidence the girl really IS his? Is there a formal court ordered custody agreement? Is it being adhered to? If she IS his child, her birth certificate should be amended with the correct information. If the mother is trying to alienate you and your husband from her daughter, you could probably go to court to have that nipped in the bud.

You really know your stuff,

You really know your stuff, hon. Honestly, sometimes your advice helps me be a better parent to my own kids. Thanks!

We started the court process

We started the court process a year ago. We were met with accusations of inproper care, molestation, amongst other horrors. This has all be disproven in court. Yes to the dna test. CS is now based on what the court says which is fair..the BM had the nerve to ask for spousal support! Denied. He has court ordered visits. We bring up the alienation all the time and bm is reprimanded and is given a list of things to do that she doesn't. (Example- she agreed in a mediation visit that if DH can't pick her up, I can, with NO violence or drama)
I go to pick her up- the whole damn family is screaming st me, my daughters were terrified..so I left without her.
DH had to drive all the way back down later at night to get her. Court is in one month so of course this will be brought up.
BM doesn't acknowledge her behaviour, even if u spell it out for her. DH asks for updates via text- no response at all. We have her for one day, 1831826 text messages. She has the cost of changing the BC, which of course hasn't been done. Court process sucks!

This is interesting because

This is interesting because their are so many kids involved. I will also say the BM is more than likely putting things in her head about you and the father, I too have experienced this it sucks!! She obviously still wants him and doesn't care who she has to step on do get him back.I would ignore her, I know its easier said then done but it works wonders if you keep at it! Just be happy and let her see that, if she wants to play dirty kill her with kindness. She might hate you more for it, but she will get over it!

My SD use to scream for her mommy when she would cry or be put on time out and it was soooo annoying, I felt like saying your mom isn't coming for you shes on drugs. But it takes an adult to not blurt that out lol! I would let her cry, but put her in a room, then ask her to cry for another 10 minutes lol. Kids don't want to be told to cry. Do you have a reward chart with stars for being good and behaving??

My niece recently got one and it has helped say for example she is nice to everybody or she picks up all her toys then she gets a star for that job and maybe a candy. I use to have a glass candy jar full of candy, if they did something well done they got to choose something. I think you have to gain a good relationship with the little girl because shes the one you have to see all the time. Eventually, the little girl will grow up and realize your not so bad and that her mom is wrong about you. One last thing about SD saying her mommy name calling you, your DH has to tell her she cannot do that and why. The BM says those things knowing SD will hear and get through to you. Stop it in its tracks so it never makes it to your ears. Hope things get better for you!

Hi, Welcome to the forum. My

Hi, Welcome to the forum. My SS just turned five a few months ago so I understand some of what you are going through. I will tell you the biggest problem isn't the little girl but her dad and his lack of parenting consistently with her. Ignore BM and I mean that in every single sense of the word. What she allows on her time is her business and she will reap all the benefits of never disciplining her child sooner or later. My SS's mom has already lost control of SS and he ignores her or uses her when he wants something. That being said, year four in our household was Hell. BM doesn't discipline SS5 because she would rather be his friend (scared he will love DH more than her if she doesn't do what he wants) so most of the disciplining falls on our household. Have you looked up "Age four" on the internet? Many parents have trouble with four year olds but what helped me the most was educating myself on what is normal and not normal for the average four year old. She will talk back, she will tell lies to get herself out of trouble or to get more attention, she will throw a tantrum in the store if she knows you will say 'yes' to shut her up and end the embarrassing episode. Like another poster said, this age is about testing boundaries and seeing which parent will allow her to get away with what. Consistency will be your greatest weapon because kids understand "no" and they can understand consequences for their choices.

All children run on a currency. Right now my SS's currency is football (yes he plays peewee football at 5) and if he misbehaves at school, he knows that he will not get to go to football practice after. We go over the rules every morning in carpool and the first thing we do when he gets in the car in the afternoon is tell me what face he got that day. If its a good face I tell him how proud I am of him and excited that we get to go to football practice; if he brings home a sad face or straight face or worse, I cite the lists of punishment options he has to choose from and he gets to pick which one he wants (no xbox, no football, time-out to his room for the rest of the evening). Which leads me on to another suggestion: give her chores and responsibilities. Four year olds find chores exciting especially when you make a big deal about how much help they are. A big thing that helped was giving SS specific choices like instead of saying" okay lets put our shoes on!" you say "okay we need to put our shoes on, which pair do you want to wear today". Most of the time they get so caught up in getting to be in charge of choosing something, they don't acknowledge doing something they don't want to do. When we first brought BS home, SS would constantly remind us that he was "big" and BS was "just a baby;" so we used that to our advantage and still do. After four years of consistency at our house, SS doesn't act out or get crazy other than average growing pains. He can behave like a little demon with BM all he wants but he knows now that we expect him to act better here.

why you think going to court

why you think going to court is going to change anything?

You ladies are amazing!! I

You ladies are amazing!!
I apologize for taking so long to reply; my whole house just got taken out by a sickness including my 7 month old. Not fun!
I'm going to try to reply to each persons comments.
I want to say that I'm very aware that most of these issues are my husbands fault. And he now knows it too. And he's 100% on board for doing everything he can to make things better.
I agree about not blaming BM for behaviour- whatever DH allows SD to get away with she will pick up on right away. However it is still bms fault a bit because if she were a better mother we wouldn't have these issues lol.
Ok so I disagree with the "new relationship women, do not help to do xyz" my help made my life easier and taught my DH what needed to be done. That's just my opinion.
They are not home thru the day. My kids have pd days of course, but the thru the days I'm mentioning is on weekends. Usually my husband is home. Sometimes, he's not because he's working and that can't be changed.
I highly disagree with the point of he will feel more for his child than mine; it's been proven time and time again because of our unique situation that that is not the case.
Yes they get rewards for doing their chores.
I have much more to say but can't atm cuz im still sick and my bed is calling my name lol..but one more thing I wanna respond to is "why do U think going to court will change anytning?"
I don't think it will change a goddamn thing cuz BM is a controlling obsessed Cunt who wants my husband and uses her kid as a trophy...however, we just want to have set guidelines for visitation.
Thank U guys again very much, I'll be back tomorrow!!

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