Girlfriend's Kids Hate Me
I have been dating a wonderful woman for two and a half years. She has full custody of two teen sons, 17 and 15. Their father is not in the picture. I have shared custody of my three children: 11, 11 and 8.
I have scoured the internet for advice but it appears that nobody else has ever experienced what I have gone through. Her elder son met me for 5 minutes when we began dating. He has refused to acknowledge me since then except when he: 1)vandalized my car by scraping "cheater" with a screwdriver 2) giving me the finger
3) calling the police on me 4) replying to one of my texts to her with "fuck off" and 6) punching me after I incorrectly tried to intervene and end his silence toward me. Now the younger one wants nothing to do with me either. They both refer to me as a "piece of shit" to thier mother. The older one apparently blames me for his parents' divorce; they were legally separated when I met their mother.
As time has progressed I see less and less of my girlfriend. I am essentially not allowed to her house because the older son told her he would "not sit in my room but come after me". So I basically see my girlfriend 1-2 times a week (one at her store). Any holiday, get together, etc I am not invited to because her kids wouldn't allow it. The younger one has separation issues...doesn't attend regular school, constantly calling his mother, etc.
I have begged her to get kids counseling and/or hand out consequences. She refuses to do either but then complains how difficult she has it with them.
Recently we've been arguing a ton...mainly because I feel that I am not a priority to her.
She is wonderful with my kids but rarely even sees them anymore...I'd appreciate any insight.
You feel like you re not a
You feel like you re not a priority, because you aren't.
Why would you want someone who raised such a hellion around your children?
I had asked her for a ride
I had asked her for a ride (only time ever)...she replied she wanted to sleep in. I replied you get up other days to take your kids to schoool...she replied "but they're my kids".
I don't really believe he's a "hellion". According to her he is a kind and compassionate child who has never exhibited this kind of behavior towards anybody except me. As such, she is starting to believe that I've treated her children poorly (I did call him a "pussy" about a year ago after he disrespected his mother and I felt awful about it later). However, I haven't really interacted with her children since then. The last two times I was at her house I checked the clock every ten minutes to make sure they wouldn't arrive while I was there.
Vandalism and assault are
Vandalism and assault are crimes. She's raising a criminal and at the very least deferring to him. What is your definition of hellion?
Well I think that term refers
Well I think that term refers to somebody who causes trouble in general; his bad behavior has been directed only towards me. I certainly agree with you regarding the criminal behavior although the punch was after I had called him a pussy (our second and last live interaction). I had labeled his behavior brattish but on the other hand he has lot of anger regarding parents' divorce. However, it's been two and a half years and situation has worsened...
Hellion noun | hel·lion
Hellion
noun | hel·lion |\ˈhel-yən\
Simple Definition of hellion
: a person (especially a child) who behaves badly
Full Definition of hellion
: a troublesome or mischievous person
From Merriam-Webster Dictionary
I'm surprised she had
I'm surprised she had anything to do with you after you called her son that. :sick: :sick:
If that were my son, I would have ripped your ass to shreds. I would have never laid eyes on you again, much less continued with this farce of a relationship.
This woman allows her sons to disrespect you because she doesn't respect you. Chances are, she's content to play around with you a bit, but she has no intentions whatever of having a life with you because you and her boys do not get along. You may simply be her boy toy that she's keeping around until a man who is compatible with her sons comes along.
I bet if you broke up with her right now, she wouldn't bat an eye.
That incident happened after
That incident happened after a year and a half of his behavior and was said after he had disrespected her. She has always shown me respect and we talked about marriage quite a bit. However, I believe that that the boys and I needed to have a minimum relationship before proceeding.
It doesn't matter what he
It doesn't matter what he did, calling him that was disgusting. In my opinion, that mother is an idiot for staying with a man who would call her son that. I'm not excusing his behavior. But I am wondering why you would stick around. That chick must be doing some extra freaky shit between the sheets.
Her sons do not want a relationship with you. Clearly she is just fine with that.
You're a man. I'm sure you have male friends who say whatever the need to say to keep a woman they gave no intentions of marrying around. There are woman out there who do the same thing. Just because your GF has talked about marriage, doesn't mean she plans to marry you.
Find your self-esteem and self respect, and run away from this mess.
Again I think it's absurd to
Again I think it's absurd to judge somebody on a 30 second argument...me or him. She is not fine with the non relationship. However she can't force a relationship. He refuses counseling...we've gone once with no follow-through by her on the advice.
So he walks all over me and
So he walks all over me and his mother for a year and a half and you are focusing on a 30 second arguemenet. Please explain how that's isn't absurd.
you and his mother allowed
you and his mother allowed him from day one to walk all over you.....
suck it up and be a man... it's got nothing to do with a 30min argument... you and DW allows this behavior..
Absolutely agree...we thought
Absolutely agree...we thought he would come around. I feel badly I didn't do anything but again he refused to interact with me from Day 1. His mother gave it time...
it's not up to you to do
it's not up to you to do anything, simply because it's not your child... it's up to the bio parent to teach the brat and it seems that you are not important enough in her life for her to handle her brat...
you know what to do next
Exactly...I also referred to
Exactly...I also referred to him as a brat once and she got upset.
What do u mean by handle? She tried it all and nothing worked...
She'll claim he's not being brattish...it's the effects of the divorce. Therefore, she doesn't want to punish him...
nope she makes the right
nope she makes the right sound but she's not teaching him anything, he knows when mummy talks it's just sounds...
if she punish him she should mean it..
e.g no screens for a month... then no screens for a month... she needs to be more firm and not a push over..
and there you have it... effects of divorce... so she's being a disney mum cause poor kids their parents got divorced
boo hoo they are not the first kids with divorced parents and they will not be the last, she's giving them an excuse to misbehave..
You've been having troubles
You've been having troubles with this child since your first date, why did it turn into a second and more dates?
This relationship will never work you are wasting your time with this wonderful woman, and Sir, she's not so wonderful if she can't control her children, I know I speak form experience, I'm a single mother to a boy as well, he had an issue at first with my SO when I started dating, pure jealousy, nothing more I simply told him, you do not have to like SO but you will show respect and be polite or I will beat the living sh#t out of you.... I do not raise disrespectful entitled brats.
11 years down the line - no problems.
She readily admits she can't
She readily admits she can't control her children. The older one apparently was never an issue until I came along-very polite, good student, etc. However she can't make him respect me. She threatened to take away privileges, etc-he didn't care. His anger toward me is palpable even though he's never spent any time with me (we've only ever had two interactions). She now claims I've treated her sons poorly when in fact we don't even interact. Her kids have slowly but surely pushed me out because they are angry re divorce and don't want to share her with anybody.
your DW is the problem....
your DW is the problem.... you can't make one person respecting another, but you can teach your kids to show respect...
my bio does not have to like my SO but he sure as hell will be polite to SO, I have no idea if my bio likes my SO or not and frankly I do not care, cause it's my choice and I'm the adult... if Deigma moves out of the house he never has to speak to SO for all I care, but if he's rude to my SO I will beat the sh!it out of him.... I do not tolerate bratty kids.
You don't feel like a
You don't feel like a priority because you aren't.
She's not that wonderful - she's certainly not a wonderful parent, she's failing her sons in spades allowing them to behave this way.
This will not get better.
She's just not that in to
She's just not that in to you. And if you had called my son a pussy, I wouldn't be that in to you either. The only time a man calls another man that is when he's looking for a fight. Here's a hint... She has chosen who #1 is and it isn't you. Save what's left of your self respect and start dating other women.
I acknowledged that it was
I acknowledged that it was inappropriate of me. He had disrespected his mother and we agreed that I would intervene. That incident occurred after a year had ahalf of his behavior. Not sure I should be judged for one 30 second argument for which I subsequently later apologized.
Oh....and she readily admits
Oh....and she readily admits that her children come first.
Thank you...I think that's
Thank you...I think that's right. She's trying to lead a dual life-one with kids and one with with me and I'm left wondering when will she give me time to see her.
She is not a wonderful lady.
She is not a wonderful lady. She is a not-so-great mother who is raising a felon. She allows her kids to disrespect her, disrespect other adults, and run the household. These are CHILDREN. Her house; her rules. If she believes they need counseling, she should be taking them to counseling. They can make their own rules when they move out and pay their own bills.
The fact that you called her son a pu$$y, is pretty darn sad. Call them all the names you want when you are alone or on STalk, but NEVER, EVER call a kid a name to his/her face or parent. You are an adult. Adults set examples for children to follow. Badly done.
Her kids will always come first. You two have been dating for 2.5 years and the only relationship you have with her kids is a bad one. Frankly, I believe she will drop you like a hot potato if/WHEN her children tell her to do so.
Do not marry this woman. Do you both a favor and break it off. I repeat, Her kids will always come first.
It doesn't matter if they are 15 and 17, or 35 and 37. They will come first, you will be a very far second.
So what advice do you
So what advice do you want?
If these kids hate you as you say they do, there's no magic trick to change that. She's their mother and that is never going to change. If she stays with you, you will always be the outsider and they will always feel she chose you over them.
She's obviously not strong enough to walk away from you.
If you really love her and she is such a great woman, let her go.
Let her rebuild her relationship with her kids and move on.