BM, Moving, Joint Custody, and A Parenting Plan... OH MY!
So here's the story so far:
I had been having thoughts of leaving my wife for over a year (possibly multiple years), that all came to a head in January of this year. I filed for divorce. I did. This caused an argument in which the cops were called (I called them), she freaked out (refused medical attention), and I wound up leaving the house since she wouldn't. The moment she was served papers she took out a restraining order on me claiming "severe emotional distress," at which point I had to hand over my keys, garage door opener and mailbox key to a police officer. 2 weeks later as I subpoenaed every office that showed up to the scene, every EMT, and every witness I could think of, along with EVERY interaction that I had to make to the police regarding her, the TRO was thrown out of court with prejudice.
Since then, she's been trying to make my life a living hell as best she can. Fortunately for me, she only has one way to hurt me, and that's through our son, who is now 9. Even though I have been a caring and attentive parent his entire life, she saw it fit to keep him away from me during the first few weeks of our divorce proceedings, establishing a pattern of living for him that the judge set as a temporary visitation arrangement.
The schedule goes like this: Every Tuesday and Thursday I get him from school for a few hours. He goes to scouts on Tuesday and hangs out with me on Thursday. Every other Friday to Saturday he stays the night with me.
Well, recently she informed me that she started seeing someone. Don't really care, other than the fact that I noticed one night when I dropped him off, someone was there that had Texas license plates on their truck. She is originally from there, and her brother just had a son with his girlfriend, so I thought it was her dad visiting. I asked my son about it, and he said he didn't know who it was. I figure it's him.
Here's the problem: She has always said she didn't want to remain in NM her entire life. She's been wanting to go back to Texas for as long as I can remember. Now, I DID NOT give her sole custody of our son, so I know she just can't up and move without causing a shitstorm of trouble. At the same time, however, should she decide to move, it would make visitation and parenting infinitely harder on me. As it stands right now, I am divorced from her as of last month. However, we were assigned a court ordered family mediator who was supposed to evaluate her and I as parents with our son, and make a determination as to what the best parenting plan would be. This was ordered in APRIL. After numerous calls and messages he responded in AUGUST, and neither one of us have heard from him since.
I spoke to my lawyer about this, and he is trying to find someone else that we can use to accomplish the same task the original mediator was supposed to carry out. My concerns are that, even though I WANT a 50/50 parenting schedule, that's not fair or feasible to my son due to him living with his mom over 30 minutes away. The drive doesn't bother me, nor would it if I had to make the trek up there every day to drop him off at school, but getting him up at 6AM to get to school, putting him in the before school program, then getting back by 6PM at the after school program once I get out of work (which is 30 minutes in the opposite direction), makes this schedule seem as if I'd be alienating him more than I feel I am now. I don't want him to think he's an afterthought; he's the best thing in my world, and I miss the hell out of him when he's not around.
So, preemptively, I need to figure out a parenting plan that works for all involved in a FAIR and civil manner (something she has a hard time doing). I figure if I can do this, get someone else to evaluate us, and present it to the judge, it would make it that much harder for her to petition the courts to let her move him out of state without a fight. The problem is, I don't even know where to begin, or what would be considered fair on my end.
Thoughts?
That was always the plan in
That was always the plan in the long term; I like the school he goes to, I like the classes he's in, and I like that he is thriving there. Thing is, is that I'd need at least a year to get all my personal finances and crap that have piled on due to the divorce (paying for attorneys, her bills as stipulated by the court order, etc.) in order. It's doable - in fact I know it'll happen, but I just need some time. I fear she may be wanting to move sooner than that.
That's the approach I'm
That's the approach I'm thinking would work best, as well. There's no need to uproot him just to keep her happy.
Appreciate it!
Appreciate it!
Custodial parent cannot move
Custodial parent cannot move child out of state without court order. Your custody order should say this?
It sounds to me that you have
It sounds to me that you have this difficult situation very much under control and are working a plan to ultimately protect the best interests of your son.
I very much appreciate hearing from parents of character who are dealing directly and strongly with difficult Xs and situations.
Take care of you and of your son. If your XW ends up in Texas and you get custody that seems to me to be the best possible outcome for your son and for you.
Good luck.
Thank you. I'm trying to stay
Thank you. I'm trying to stay rational here, but if anything she knows how to push my buttons. On the flipside, I could be overreacting. Still, it's good to have a plan in place.
Honestly, If you are that
Honestly, If you are that sure she might move, I'd take the extra debt and move into the district now and get 50/50. Parenting plans are hard to change once written and could take years to get back into court
It will be infinitely harder for her to move with you having 50/50 then if she is primary, especially if you are high conflict.
Check the state guidelines, moving out of state is easier in some then others. Depending on the state - you may have to prove why the move is not good for your son.
Best of Luck.
^^this^^ Somehow you need to
^^this^^
Somehow you need to find a way to move to his school district BEFORE the court review. Make sure you have joint legal and physical custody. Be very involved in school, sports, and any other activities. Get to know his friends and their parents. If you sense she may be wanting to move then chances are she is already planning it. Judges prefer not to uproot kids if the remaining parent offers environmental continuity and stability. You need to establish that now or you may end up only seeing your son on school breaks and two weeks in the summer.
We are. It's a bifurcated
We are. It's a bifurcated divorce. Meaning that we can be divorced, but a parenting plan isn't in place yet, and is to be determined at a later date. We both agreed to this in order for both of us to financially move on separately. The problem is that the mediator we were supposed to use should have been done by now. As of right now, there is no order in place.
To answer other statements: I take him to scouts, I go to his school functions, I pay for his guitar lessons (which I was taking him to until the day he goes moved to a day I don't have him), Im involved in everything he does to the best of my ability. I'm just hoping it's enough.
I also have not agreed to anything other than 50/50 custody. She cannot prove I do not deserve that.
IMHO the best case scenario
IMHO the best case scenario is that this little guy has BOTH parents in his life. I have known several parents who actually move to the same city so they can equally co-parent. This is the best for the child, but really trying for the parents who have to learn how to co-parent. If you move to her town, the courts will give you 50%. Then you just need earlier/later childcare for your commute -which the courts understand and allow. Think about that strategy for a moment.
Second, the mediator must eval both parties sooner, rather than later. Since April? That is some back log in NM apparently. Not fair to the child.
Last, you need to care who ex brings around and into sons life. Many custody battles have been lost and won over this issue. Find out who he is, and do a background (or pay a PI to do it.) Your son only has one dad, and your number one job is to provide and protect!
I would push for a WO/WO
I would push for a WO/WO schedule and move closer as soon as you can so that your DS can easily attend school and extracurricular events during your week on.
Whatever you do .. do not allow your XW to take him to Texas to live. The only way to keep her proven PAS tendencies in check is to keep your son as close to you as possible. If she wants to move then she should surrender CP status to you and the two of you work our a long distance visitation schedule. The COd visitation schedule BioDad and the Sperm Clan was 5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring. We never lived nearer than 900ish miles to The Bio-Dad clan so the visitation schedule never changed. The schedule was reasonable, gave decent lengths of dedicated time with his Bio-Dad and that leg of his family, kept us out of their business and them primarily out of ours other than their regular toxic manipulation of SS when he was with them and the manipulative crap that they used to pull with my DW when setting up visitation travel, etc.....
Good luck.