New to this, but need someone to talk to!
Hi all! This is something I have never done, so I don't really know where to even start. I've been with my husband for 6 years now, married for 2. We have three kids between the two of us. One daughter(5)and one son(8) together and he has one son from a previous marriage. Step son is currently 9. Husbands ex is crazy....I've known her since high school. Step son absolutely hates me and his father. About 4 years ago my husband and I walked in the boys room and Step son was trying inappropriate things with bio son. Luckily we stopped it before anything happened and it was reported immediately. Step son had to go to court ordered counseling due to the fact that he was way to young to know how to do what he was trying to do. Mother stopped counseling before they could get to the bottom of it and state did nothing. Now years later step son has started saying that his father and I are mean to him and that we call him bad names and make fun of him etc. None of this is true. I am at a total loss. He has NO punishment for the lying and bs he is causing because husband is scared he will never come back if he gets in trouble. It pisses me off. I'm a good mom and step mom. I literally walk on egg shells when he is there because I don't know what he's going to go back and say. Not that i'm doing anything wrong, but I just don't want the drama that will come from it. Funny thing is when he wants anything he comes to me not his father. His father will try to play video games with him and talk to him, but he will get up and walk out of the room. He wants nothing to do with his father. Recently we found out that my husband's ex was cheating on him their entire marriage so now we have to get a paternity test done. We have not seen step son since Sept 1 because he has started throwing himself on the ground kicking and screaming saying he does not want to go. We have not forced him for the obvious reasons. My bio children are getting very upset. My son actually told him he didn't want to see him anymore if he was going to lie about his mommy and daddy like that. (My son had to speak with DFS because step son and his mother turned us in for abuse). My children are tired of going through this every month. I have no one to talk to. My husband tries, but I feel horrible for him because he misses his son, but at the same time we are tired. Any suggestions or ideas? And, I come from a broken home, so I know exactly what it is like to be in the "step child" position.
Simple. Have your DH figure
Simple. Have your DH figure out a way to visit with his son outside of your home - perhaps at a relative's, grandparents, etc. If that won't work, then DH can figure out ways to do activities with the SS all day and limit his time in your household.
Sounds like a royal sh!tshow, IMO. There are all kinds of underlying issues here that not only affect your DH and his son but could seriously impact you and your two children - as you are already finding out!
Your DH should have yelled bloody murder when BM ceased the court-ordered counseling. Did your DH actively and repeatedly complain to the court? If not, then saying the state did nothing is an excuse. That boy could have been (and may still be) abused in some way. That's what the counselor was going to find out but BM stopped it. That speaks volumes as to what may be going on in that house.
Since I am assuming your DH didn't complain, It also shows that your DH is willing to sacrifice his son's fundamental safety and security rather than confront his ex. He would rather have scrap time with his seemingly damaged son, than fight for SS's health and well-being by CHALLENGING his ex and banging on the court's door to enforce it. Shows how much power she has over him.
You disengage from this kid until the entire mess gets sorted out. And probably remain disengaged thereafter. Keep an eye on your own children and don't let them around SS without you present.
Not that it matters now for you, and not to sound "preachy", but these kinds of issues are the reason that women should TAKE THEIR TIME before getting seriously involved with a man with child(ren). You knew he had a "crazy" ex and he had this child with her, that should have given you serious pause.
He did complain and we spent
He did complain and we spent thousands of dollars on a lawyer but everything gets turned around on us. I will no longer allow my kids to be questioned by DFS. They've given their statement more than once. My SS is NEVER around any of us alone because of the things he has said. Our lawyer advised us to never be alone with him. The BM divorced her husband about a year ago which is who we believe was abusing my SS. Now she's remarried to a guy in prison and takes SS to see him. We tried stopping her but judge said SS is in no harm by going to see him in prison. Makes no sense to me at all. He has never met this guy outside of the prison. And as for taking my time before investing in this marriage...I did. The BM was not crazy in high school. She became a totally different person once my husband and I got married. I know what it's like to go visit your parent and feel like an "outsider" but I have done everything possible so my SS wouldn't feel like this. I cannot handle the lies and bs much longer.