Not blending
Newbie here! A little about me. Bio Mom to a 16 year old boy who lives with me and dh full time. My dh has 3 daughters who live with their BM full time. When we met my son was 5. It has been 11 years now. Since my son lives with us full time, I would have thought there would have been a relationship between my son and my dh. But there is none! My stepdaughters are now 17, 20 and 22. They used to come every weekend when they were younger. Those days were very hard for me and my son. My DH treated us like we didn't exist. Made plans with his daughters and left us out.. I thought we were suppose to blend...We never did. Girls dont come anymore. AT all!!! He (we) bought each one of them their own car, thinking they would come visit more often but that didnt happen. They seem to leave him hanging every time he tries to make plans with them. Last minute they will cancel on him. It kills me to watch. So the point is. He has nothing to do with my son. Nothing. Doesn't come to his games (he plays lacrosse) doesnt take him fishing with him, doesnt take him to the shooting range with him, doesnt offer to take him to lunch or the movies or anything!! Doesnt offer to pick him up or drop him off for me anywhere. Even if I can't be there. I actually depend more on my son's friends parents than I can on my DH. My son is a good kid. He has lots of friends, he goes to the gym, he plays hs sports, he has a job. But it hurts me that he just can't find anything good to say about him. The less he sees his daughters the less he wants to have anything to do with my son. I am at a loss. I feel like a single mother. He is a hard working decent man but his lack of support and interest in my son is causing me to pull away. I've explained how I felt over and over and it doesnt seem to matter. He would make plans with my son then just not follow thru. My son has a great relationship with his dad but only sees him a few hours a week. I thought within the last 11 years some relationship would have developed but its obvious my DH doesnt want one. I need advice. This was always very important to me (blending). And it hurts me more and more everyday. We don't do anything together. Its either me and my son or me and my husband. There is no "family" feeling at all. The only time we do a family occassion is when his daughters join us to celebrate a birthday or graduation. And since my son lives with us and we hardly see his daughters, he can't be bothered with me and my son.
Thank you. Yes. My son has a
Thank you. Yes. My son has a wonderful relationship with his father. Thank God. But it hurts me every single day that my dh can't be an active participant in his life. He thinks living here is more than his kids get and that should be enough. Honestly, its like living with a shell of a man. The only time his daddy side comes out is when his daughters visited. It was hard to watch, so most times, I had my son make plans with his friends and have a sleepover. I tried to dissappear for several hours at a time. I guess I always romanticed a happy blended family but it was obvious after we got married of course that that was what he wanted. I am still reeling with the rejection. I call it a rejection because that it was it feels like.
He's disengaged, maybe
He's disengaged, maybe because he doesn't want to feel closer to your son than he does to his own children because he lives with him. Or because he thinks getting close to your son would have upset his daughters. Or maybe your son isn't as wonderful to him as he is to you.
The reason doesn't really matter, he's chosen to not have a relationship with your son.
I would concentrate on having a relationship with your son and another one with your husband. In the next 2 - 4 years your son is going to move out, hopefully, and it will just be you and your husband.
Thank you. Yes. Guilt is a
Thank you. Yes. Guilt is a major player here. He divorced his wife and felt he left his daughters. honestly, him being such a great father is what I was attracted to the most. Dating was a completely different story. WE did everything together. ONce we realized the kids got along, we decided to marry, we bought a big beautiful home together. Everyone had their own bedroom. But everyweekend My son and I were pushed aside. They would just go about their weekend and not include us. They would decide upon a movie together and sit and watch it. We almost felt like we were intruding on their privacy. Everything changed. Mentioning how it felt only made him angrier at me. So I started to disengage myself.
One theme stuck out in your
One theme stuck out in your post: one person making plans with another only to cancel the plan at the last minute/blowing the first one off. Blatant disrespect. I thought it interesting that the behavior you hate most from the SDs is the same behavior that DH offers your son. Apple/tree. Your husband appears to have taught his children well how to treat others and how he expects to be treated. They have complied. He is perpetuating it with your son. Indifferent roommates ?
Yes. Exactly. He is getting
Yes. Exactly. He is getting back what he showed them how he treated us. Honestly even when his daughters did visit, I think they felt a little funny with the attention they were receiving. I think it bothered them just a little how my son and i were treated. I put up with it for a long time because I felt sorry for dh. I can't imaging living with such guilt. But I can no longer sit by and watch it. I thought for sure I would at least have a supportive husband. I dont need him to tell my son he loves him, or see any affection but asking if he needs a ride every once in a while would be helpful. If I can't be available and my son needs a ride, I look to his friends parents as my dh can't and won't be bothered. That is what makes me so angry.
Hi. Thanks. My son has never
Hi. Thanks. My son has never ever disrespected my dh, never raised his voice to him, does what he asks of him (maybe not the first time he asks but he does it). The only thing my dh can ever say to my son is mow the lawn, throw out the garbage, make sure you pick up the dog crap in the yard. I have no problem with this. My son has had chores from an early age, my problem is that he can't say anything other than being a disciplinarian, no friendship offered. Just doling out his chores. I said to him it would be nice once in while if you can say "lets go fishing" lets go grab lunch" "lets go to the shooting range" but no, never and I guess he never will. And i guess I have to learn to be ok with that but right now I cant.
Also want to mentions
Also want to mentions something that I have never forgotten. That should have been a red flag. My dh has a nickname for all his daughters. Every time they were here he would use their nickname never their real name. MY son, 7 years old at the time asked dh if he would give him a nickname too. My husband said "no" I cant. OMG!!! ARE YOU F'ING KIDDING ME!!!..
Wow! Just wow!! 9 years later and its still resonates with me. The cry for inclusion and acceptance with that question my son asked to me was the most heartbreaking thing to watch. We had a fight about it I remember.. It was a huge fight. Of course I waited until we were alone. He made no apologies about it. Said it would upset his daughters. RED FLAG!!! and here I am still. The signs were there!! Why was I trying so hard to understand his point of view. Was he right to feel that way, was I wrong to expect a different response.
There is something more to
There is something more to your story I think. Is your Dh perhaps jealous of your son in any way? Have most of the arguments between you and your DH been about your son? It sounds like your DH resents the boy for some reason. Maybe he resents you for some reason and is taking it out on the boy. I think it is less about the DH's daughters and more about something else. Do they have completely different personalities? Do they have any of the same interests? IF the only thing that DH and your son have in common is their love for you then that is not enough.
Many posters on here talk about having to accept that civility and not a close bond is all that might come of the step situation which is I know what you never wanted. You wanted to be a family. Sometimes people do not click no matter what. Maybe this is the case. I know that I do have love for my SD but I don't "click" with her as a person. She is not bad or disrespectful. She has emotional and psychological issues I think and is a bit WIERD. She is organically lazy and slovenly and I don't like that in a person but otherwise is decent.
My spouse wanted to be a family too but on his own terms. He wanted me to adore his daughter like I do him. He never understood why I could find fault with her in any way. When she started showing signs of an emotional disorder and I pointed it out I was just being "mean" and "negative". IF I didn't kiss the little girl's butt I was viewed as the evil step mother. I was held to a very high and unrealistic standard and I never lived up to it.
Soon spouse and SD12 are moving out of my house. Failure to blend.
I was frequently told off by my DH in front of my SD12 when spouse did not like my "tone" or comments. Spouse disrespected me in front of SD on many occasions. That set the tone for the family dynamic. I resented the SD12 more and more because she was the source of our arguments and because despite all this BS my spouse still wanted this perfect blended family. Not gonna happen when one party is forcing something and there is disrespect involved.
I can see my husband being
I can see my husband being jealous of my relationship with my son, but he has no reason to be. I have included my husband in everything the two of us do and he chooses not to join in. I do plenty with my husband, dinners, getaways, etc. but he will never join my son and I for anything even as simply as taking a walk to get ice cream.
As far as the relationship that I wish there was between them or the "family" I wish we had. I can accept that there won't be one. What I can't accept is when and if I need him to be supportive for me as far as getting him somewhere he needs to be and I am not available. Those needs are rare but when it is needed I expect him to be there for me. Not answer with "oh I was planning on going fishing" or I thought maybe I would go see the girls" why can't he just for once say...Sure no problem!! Why!!? He doesnt make me feel he is there for me. He makes me feel like he has somehow been put upon. I just wish he would stop being so passive aggressive and tell me what the deal is. I asked him to accompany me to one of my son's game. He said point blank "I have no interest or desire to go to any of his games." What do I do with that? Its so hurtful.
I wouldve been livid about
I wouldve been livid about the nickname thing. My DH does the same thing. Basically trying to shield his daughter's eyes from seeing him in "family mode" without their mom.
How did you cope?
How did you cope?