At least your husband is supporting you, but he is torn. Change the rules, let him go visit with them anytime, just you disengage. Stay away from the stupid drama and let him deal with it. Trust me, this will work in your favor. You are no longer the bad guy either way, or at least at face value. Your steps will never like you and do not expect an apology, they are not sorry; a forced sorry is nothing. Next, give husband permission to see them WITHOUT you. And, tell him you no longer want to discuss them either. Stick with your disengagement at all cost.

Twinkletoes, do not blame anybody but your husband, it is just waste of your emotion, seriously. Your story could almost be my own, so I relate to what you are saying. I predict that you will have to disengage from this for your own sake like me, when you get to the acceptance stage of this dynamic. Honestly, your husband is crying? Do you want to be blamed for any of that? Look, I cannot stand my steps and I have more reason than most, but in every other way I have a fabulous husband. If he wants to see his children without me, he has my blessing; I will not be there period. I want nothing to do with them or know anything about them; they are dead to me now and in my life, as well as our daughter. As long as they are not creating misery for me, he can do whatever. I know they will never stop trying to split us, but I do not need to play by their rules, any longer. I still blame him for his inability to be a parent and step up as a real husband, but is it all that important to keep my anger continuously directed toward him? He is not going to change and I am not going to have anything to do with them--HE will deal with his own consequences.

You actually get power when you give up power. Your stepkids will hate your disengagement and it will backfire only on THEM for a change. Just give it some thought, okay?

Hun, there will be no "normalcy" in the relationship between his first family and your children. Your husband was raised in a dysfunctional dynamic, raised his first set of kids that way and has no idea how to be a strong family man and hold it all together. I understand and totally get this, my dad was the same way. He had kids from several mothers and did nothing to bring us together. My half sibs and I do not have normal gooey sibling relationships, we are not "close." As we have grown and the BM's are no longer keeping us apart, a few of us have formed friendships. My older half bro has nothing to do with any of us and I've stopped trying to reach out. I'm in my 40's and am a whole person regardless of his lack of approval of my existence. Funny thing is that his daughter is reaching out to our side of the family. She is a doll and I'm all open arms.

The more you push the more push back you will receive. My 2 cents is to just drop all expectations of DH and his kids. Let it all go and just focus on your children. Live parallel lives, let DH be free to go between both worlds but insist that he wipe his feet of all their drama at the door.

Their half siblings acknowledgement does not make your children any more human, it's not necessary. One day they may come around...or not, don't hold your breath.

The hardest part is, I'm sure, watching your DH being hurt over and over. I hope one day he accepts that he won't have the relationship he wishes with (some of) his children, and decides to be pro-active about what relationship he is willing to be part of.

Of course he shouldn't go off playing happy families with his kids while they are disrespectful to his marriage, his partner, and his other children. But he can draw appropriate boundaries. Not everything has to be so dramatic.

Families are all different. One of my cousins was expected by her husband/in-laws to host her in-laws and extended family, including an all-out meal, within hours after delivering her first baby. Her brother thought this was so ridiculous that when his wife had their first, he told everyone they would be welcome to visit for tea the following week.

It was really tacky of your SS's wife to get involved.

After 17 years of marriage and 5 step kids (all grown) 1 with depression, 1 with paranoid schizophrenia, and 1 with borderline personality disorder I have seen a ton of problems. My step life used to look like a Jerry Springer show - restraining orders and all.

What I learned to do is - NOTHING. You cannot control DH or his kids or his EX. You can control you. Disengagement is a great word but what does it look like? Don't buy gifts for the new baby - or any of them, don't remind DH to go visit, or call his kids, if he brings up their names you should interrupt him and tell him "it would be better if you talked about your kids to someone else" REPEAT as necessary, walk away, make a phone call, anything to stop that conversation. Do NOT talk about SK's to him, your kids, in laws or any other family member.

If the SK's call and you answer the phone I would hand it to DH and leave the house. Don't listen in the back ground or let DH talk about them other than to let you know when he will be gone to visit them. If DH comes home from a visit or a phone call and wants to vent do not listen. Again, tell him that it would be better for him to talk to someone else about his kids.

The less I talk about toxic SK's, the less I care. If your bio kids ask about them let them know that the SK's have chosen to be distant and that is their right. Short and sweet and then change the subject. Your kids are better off with these SK's out of their lives.

The controlling temper tantrum the SK's are trying only works if someone is watching, listening, and paying attention to it. Since it has worked for 24 years to some degree don't expect it to ever change. But smile - you can change how you react! DH will pay less attention to them if you have no time for it. When DH cries that they hurt him you can shrug your shoulders and remind him that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result. Do not feel sorry for him or angry for him. Don't let him rant and go on about it. This is his problem and he is only handing off the issue to YOU when you engage, get angry, show sympthy for him, etc.

My rotten SK's dont get any birthday gifts, christmas gifts, or cards on holidays because my DH forgets or is distracted by everyday life. They get almost no phone calls or facebook messages or texts. Their kids (the grandkids) also get very little if anything. It is my DH's job to manage those relationship and that is his choice.

I do mantain a relationship with the one SK that I like and she likes me. I talk to her, message her, buy her and her kids gifts, I plan meals with her, and I don't rely on DH to keep that relationship going.

Good Luck and focus on yourself and your reaction.

I suggest you read the book CoDependent No More. Where it talkes about adict - mentally change to DH. Where it reads alcohol or drugs - mentally change to SK's. Not an exact correlation but pretty good. It was very helpful to me to help figure out what are my problems and what are not my problems. If it is not my problem I learned (try) to leave it in the hands of the person who has the problem.

It's amazing how Skids say they don't come around any more, because "they don't feel comfortable". My SD56 told my DH the same thing after 30+ years of me bending over backwards to make everyone comfortable, fixing holiday dinners, hosting card games, doing BBQ's, and doing all the cooking for camp-outs. When I decided it was Skid's turn to do some of these events, I was "wrong". I "split" up the "Brady Bunch Family".

I only have one thing to say; it's their problem, I am finished with it and have been disengaged now for 7 years. I don't care any more and I am free of all the work. I never got credit for being nice, so now I am not nice.

If it doesn't suit your SD, of course it's your fault. It's sad that she excluded her Father and you; she will regret it. My SD56 has excluded me, but not her Father, which works for everyone.

Sorry to hear your DH is not enjoying his grandchild. That's very hurtful.

Its incredibly cruel to deny a grandparent the right to hold their grandchild in their arms. Thats some cruel messed up stuff. These people are scary and sorry to say, I do feel sorry for him but also see that he has created this by not parenting them with authority. So typical of guilty divorced dads.

I am way more sorry for you because its always a lose lose to be partnered with someone who cannot stand up to his ex and children. It breaks your heart. At the moment, I am accepting that when my husband lets me down then it will make me sad. I will be disappointed and that is not my fault. He is a good and intelligent person in almost every area of his life and then spectacularly weak and complicit when it comes to his daughter. Its not parenting its enabling. You and I have that in common. Its terrible to look forward to potentially years of this via wedding, grandchildren etc.

I have learned that the ex and SD will punish him for partnering. I can make no sense of why. Like you my husband was legally split from his ex partner for a year before we met and married. Its so weird that the women in these situations can't move on and poison their children. Its a cliche happening everywhere. At some level aren't they embarrassed to be living walking pathetic cliches?

Honestly detachment is the only way to have peace. Not total peace but at least some peace. let him go visit. I get that it seems unfair but its kinder to him and you don't have to accept their lack of acceptance of your children. Yes thats awful and wrong but its just their problem and does not reflect on you family and your values. Run your own race. They will try to trip you over, just get up again and keep going. It all you can do if you want to keep your family together.

My ex was a divorced from ss mother and bachelor for 20 years before we met each other. Even through it was that long, ss would not allow him to have a committed relationship with me. He interfered on a daily basis, all day long, and ex could not put boundaries. I which I had been stronger by completely detaching, however when ever I attempted to detach ex would get really angry at me by not accepting his ds with open arms, unconditionally.

Kudos to your dh for finally putting boundaries regarding their behavior on how they treat you. It really did take a lot of courage for him to do so, as his behavior has been anything but that in his history otherwise his dc would not be reacting the way they did. Little, by little, the sks will realize that he means business, that is if he does not revert to his normal behavior, and they will adjust how they behave with him and you if they want to have a relationship with him. Just stand your ground as your dh will take any opportunity he can to slide back in order to have a relationship with them. It is human nature to take the easy way out.