Generally you don't tell your spouse you are disengaging, you just decide enough is enough and you do it. I look at it as self-preservation, and a relationship saver most times.
Easy! Let parents handle their own kids and put your energy into your marriage only. Separate the two and build on the peace.
My DH has never been able to separate his grown spoiled DD from our marriage. It has cost him a great deal of grief. It is easy for me to separate it all out and concentrate only on my marriage and enjoying "our" life. His kids are grown and on their own, SD56 doesn't like me, so forward I move and love myself and my life without her. SD's problem, not mine!
I think launching the spawn in a blended family is no less or more stressful than launching the spawn in an initial family.
The partners shift from all kid all of the time to each other all of the time.
My bride and I have rather enjoyed the process of navigating this for ourselves over the past nearly six years since SS-24 launched. We are fortunate that the kid seems to be navigating his way with minimal need for support from us. We stay in touch, he keeps us up to speed for the most part, and things are going well for all three of us.
Way better then the times I worried about Aergia...... now I simply ignore her, yes I'm an ostrich, I pretend she does not exist... and it works wonderfully.....
If SO talks about her, I interrupt with a different story, he gets I'm not interested about it, he's not happy about me being this way, but I asked him once... why are we together so I can play maid to your child or because you love me...
He never answered me but he never talked about my behavior towards Aergia again. He stays out of it... if she use my stuff I will simply tell her - I'm not your mother keep your paws off my stuff (and I do it rudely...) she will cry and run to him and SO will simply say - you know the rules, deal with it and leave me alone.
WE are great now we spend week-ends alone, Aergia is hiding in her room if I'm there... or she goes to BM, or a boyfriends house on week-ends.. I simply do not care, I once said in front of her to SO - just know this... we will not be raising any grand children, if any kid gets pregnant they are out of the house..... (I think I have it easy because I have Deigma and SO knows I will kick Deigma out if he should become a daddy)
Back to your question "What does the blended family look like...... "
A happy SO and a Happy Acra with a princess Aergia, with a fork in her eye,
Thank you all for your comments. I guess I am just trying to understand if a marriage and family can be truly a happy one if there is disengagement. IT seems to me from reading a lot of posts that there is some tension. Either the spouse is not on board with it and is offended by it or the skids become even more distant. is it more of making the best out of a situation that is not ideal?
I can tell you that disengagement is not working for me at all. I would rather divorce than live this way. My dh has seemed to be the one to disengage without so much as what the problem is. All I can tell you the resentment is building for both of us. Its only a matter of time one of us calls it quits and it wouldnt surprise the other. I definitely feel once disengagement comes into play you are no longer a "blended family" obviously. And that is why I entered this marriage. So if I made to feel like a single parent to my child because He feels too guilty that he doesnt live with his then I am willing to walk and BE a single parent. Last year I started looking at homes for my son and I. I talked to a lawyer. Was ready to go. Prepared a listing agreement to sell the house. I put it in front of him. I said sign it! The house will be on the market tomorrow. He refused. He begged and pleaded. We went to counseling. He decided that we didnt need counseling anymore. So here we are a year later back to where we were!
Are you the one who is contemplating disengaging? And if so, why?
Disengagement would have ended my marriage. Our marriage looks like and is an equity life partnership. We were both equity parents to our son (who was my SS until he asked for me to adopt him when he was 22) and we raised him as a team. Now we are equity parents to an adult young man who is "doing his thing" as he is fond of saying. He is independent, self supporting, and very capable of directing his own life.
A key factor to why our marriage is like it is was that we met and started dating when our son was 15mos old and we married the week before he turned 2yo. My bride had sole legal and physical custody and the SpermIdiot had long distance visitation of ~7wks per year (5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring) which he fairly often would not take. Our kid was not infected by too frequent or too much time under exposure to the shallow and polluted SpermClan end of his gene pool and we were able to mitigate most of the issues that the SpermClan attempted to manipulate the kid with.
Sorry that should be HANG
Sorry that should be HANG around
I dont think there can be
I dont think there can be much of a marriage when one is disengaged. But maybe I am wrong. Would love to hear other responses to this.
my marriage is GREAT since I
my marriage is GREAT since I disengaged.
I can promise you it may have ended if I didn't disengage.
Does your husband know you
Does your husband know you have disengaged? have you told him? You say your marriage is great? I would like some advise on how to do that!
Generally you don't tell your
Generally you don't tell your spouse you are disengaging, you just decide enough is enough and you do it. I look at it as self-preservation, and a relationship saver most times.
Easy! Let parents handle
Easy! Let parents handle their own kids and put your energy into your marriage only. Separate the two and build on the peace.
My DH has never been able to separate his grown spoiled DD from our marriage. It has cost him a great deal of grief. It is easy for me to separate it all out and concentrate only on my marriage and enjoying "our" life. His kids are grown and on their own, SD56 doesn't like me, so forward I move and love myself and my life without her. SD's problem, not mine!
I think launching the spawn
I think launching the spawn in a blended family is no less or more stressful than launching the spawn in an initial family.
The partners shift from all kid all of the time to each other all of the time.
My bride and I have rather enjoyed the process of navigating this for ourselves over the past nearly six years since SS-24 launched. We are fortunate that the kid seems to be navigating his way with minimal need for support from us. We stay in touch, he keeps us up to speed for the most part, and things are going well for all three of us.
Way better then the times I
Way better then the times I worried about Aergia...... now I simply ignore her, yes I'm an ostrich, I pretend she does not exist... and it works wonderfully.....
If SO talks about her, I interrupt with a different story, he gets I'm not interested about it, he's not happy about me being this way, but I asked him once... why are we together so I can play maid to your child or because you love me...
He never answered me but he never talked about my behavior towards Aergia again. He stays out of it... if she use my stuff I will simply tell her - I'm not your mother keep your paws off my stuff (and I do it rudely...) she will cry and run to him and SO will simply say - you know the rules, deal with it and leave me alone.
WE are great now we spend week-ends alone, Aergia is hiding in her room if I'm there... or she goes to BM, or a boyfriends house on week-ends.. I simply do not care, I once said in front of her to SO - just know this... we will not be raising any grand children, if any kid gets pregnant they are out of the house..... (I think I have it easy because I have Deigma and SO knows I will kick Deigma out if he should become a daddy)
Back to your question "What does the blended family look like...... "
A happy SO and a Happy Acra with a princess Aergia, with a fork in her eye,
Thank you all for your
Thank you all for your comments. I guess I am just trying to understand if a marriage and family can be truly a happy one if there is disengagement. IT seems to me from reading a lot of posts that there is some tension. Either the spouse is not on board with it and is offended by it or the skids become even more distant. is it more of making the best out of a situation that is not ideal?
I can tell you that
I can tell you that disengagement is not working for me at all. I would rather divorce than live this way. My dh has seemed to be the one to disengage without so much as what the problem is. All I can tell you the resentment is building for both of us. Its only a matter of time one of us calls it quits and it wouldnt surprise the other. I definitely feel once disengagement comes into play you are no longer a "blended family" obviously. And that is why I entered this marriage. So if I made to feel like a single parent to my child because He feels too guilty that he doesnt live with his then I am willing to walk and BE a single parent. Last year I started looking at homes for my son and I. I talked to a lawyer. Was ready to go. Prepared a listing agreement to sell the house. I put it in front of him. I said sign it! The house will be on the market tomorrow. He refused. He begged and pleaded. We went to counseling. He decided that we didnt need counseling anymore. So here we are a year later back to where we were!
Are you the one who is contemplating disengaging? And if so, why?
Disengagement would have
Disengagement would have ended my marriage. Our marriage looks like and is an equity life partnership. We were both equity parents to our son (who was my SS until he asked for me to adopt him when he was 22) and we raised him as a team. Now we are equity parents to an adult young man who is "doing his thing" as he is fond of saying. He is independent, self supporting, and very capable of directing his own life.
A key factor to why our marriage is like it is was that we met and started dating when our son was 15mos old and we married the week before he turned 2yo. My bride had sole legal and physical custody and the SpermIdiot had long distance visitation of ~7wks per year (5wks summer, 1wk winter, 1wk spring) which he fairly often would not take. Our kid was not infected by too frequent or too much time under exposure to the shallow and polluted SpermClan end of his gene pool and we were able to mitigate most of the issues that the SpermClan attempted to manipulate the kid with.
And that is the way it is for us.