That is a tough one. I don't think many people would mind doing for their skids if they were appreciated and valued and not taken advantage of.

Every step parent needs to work out for themselves and with their spouse and family what role they will take on and that may change over time. Being a step parent to a young child is very different to being a step parent to a teen or adult.

For me I choose to support my husband in a parenting capacity but that is only possible because he appreciates me, does not take advantage of my help, he actively is interested in my parenting ideas and he fully supports my role as a parental figure who is to be respected with my sd9. It is also possible because my sd's mother does not live nearby (she is a few states away) and she pays no attention to sd's schooling or activities so I do not feel like I am treading on toes when I help with those. If we moved back to her town I would take a major step back from what I do now.

My set up will look very different from another person because all of the situations are unique.

I think the role of the stepparent is determined by the roles of the bio-parents. Clearly I am overly involved compared to the average poster here but it's because BM's lack of participation and my husband's support for me as an active stepparent. I do what he cannot and what BM has no desire to do or is incapable of doing. If bio parents have everything under control then the steps can form a clear relationship and boundaries off of that.

responsibilities of a step parent..

1. cook
2. clean
3. driver
4. accept being disrespected
5. hand out all your cash to skids
6. if you have bios give them up for adoption cause they will take to much of your time, you have to give your every minute to skids and DH
7. suck it up butter cup - you have no rights, no say
8. sleep with daddy for payment

That's the responsibilities of a step parent in the eyes of the skids and partner

as a step parent you have no role Hon, you have no obligation towards the children, they do have a mother and father, the only obligation you have is to love your spouse and live a happy life, you did not marry the man for his children, you married him for him, keep that in mind and ignore all the parenting of skids, and responsibilities to the skids, you only help DH when you feel like it or if it's good skids and they respect you and listens to you, if not... you do not get involved, and you support your husband through thick and thin, if he talks and complains about skids, you listen, reply with mmmm, oh dear, yes Hon... you are the parent you would know whats best love...

nothing less and nothing more, you do not get involved and you block BM from ever contacting you

I ask this question honestly looking for a reasonable answer. Is it not to be supportive to the bio parent? The more I read the more I see similar responses such as "not my kid, not my problem." I am baffled. IF you marry someone with children, whether you have children of your own or not. I think you have a responsibility to the children as well. Thoughts?

I think it depends on the stage you enter the "step" scene.

Obviously if you marry someone and plan to be equal partners, with younger step children and having them for periods of time you both will have to contribute. BUT I do believe that your role is to support and aid your DH. If this means helping him with parenting and he is ok with this..then by all means. The key to this a united front between you and your DH and a concrete parenting plan. Have backup plans to deal with as many BM scenes as possible.

I myself have the teenage-young adult scene. When DH and I got together SKs were 13 and 18..now 15 and 20. They are old enough to choose if they want overnight visits, which they don't. And I can see why really. At our house they would have to share a room and we do not have the luxury of giving them spending money and a car to drive whenever they want it. So we only have them for day visits. So my "role" of stepparent is to make myself scarce when they come to see their father. I do nothing for them as in day to day chores or cooknig. IF they come for a meal DH cooks and cleans up.

Financially is becomes a bit more of a grey area. If your DH cannot meet his share of the household expenses because of CS then as his equal partner..you have to pick up the slack to make it work. So tooting separate finances when married to a man (or woman) with CS obligations is not so easy. Either way you end up paying for the skids..either indirectly or directly. I mean...if he is bogged down with CS and you want to go on vacation with your DH...you either PAY for it all..or you go alone cause he can't afford it. Either way you pay.

So technically the responsibility is to your DH, NOT his children. Each situation is different but at the end of the day a marriage is about two people making a life together. IF that means you have to help (indirectly or directly) take care of his kids in any shape or form, then that means you do. It's a balancing act of support for DH and what you can live with as a "stepmom".

I actually don't think anyone here disagrees with you about being married to DH includes accepting or supporting SKs in the package. I think where the point of contention is a) How society in general views SMs, and b) How the SKs, young or adult, support you in your role as dad's wife or SM.

At some point, and it may take years, I started noticing from the bios that I was supposed to tow the line behind DH, SKs, and even BM. (See Acrotopotes post above.) Many people see SMs as the second (or third, etc.) wife and not as her husband’s wife period. And, since she is the 2nd wife, most people think that is how she should be treated—literally—like the ex- is #1 wife and SM is #2 wife. Even though it is the year 2016, they adhere to the old biblical view of the year 0016, when there were multiple wives and a definite pecking order. THUS, SM, or wife #2, is little more than a servant girl, and expected to defer to not only her husband, but his children, AND his ex- as well. SM is supposed to play her part as any servant girl would and stay out of their way and pick up after them. Not only will some husbands of SM’s swallow this Koolaid, but I’ve even seen so-called professionals or other SMs slam it down as well, as in telling SMs they need to learn to suck it up and take it, etc.

Yeah, you are supposed to be the universal dumping bag and pay the ultimate price for someone else’s divorce, which makes about as much sense as you having to serve jail time for a crime someone else clearly committed. No one other than a SM would be told to suck it up and take what can figuratively or literally be abuse. BUT, I agree this is not the case for every SM.

Thus, in SOME cases, the only way for a SM to be taken seriously is to start placing herself first and foremost and disengage, because everyone else seems to be placing her 3rd, 4th, or worse. If you're okay with being #4 on that list, that is your choice. However, for those of us who want to at least be equals, you should not be enabling DH to treat you as anything other than wife #1, because that is what you are. This is the year 2016 and not 0016.

Some SMs do have more of a reciprocity relationship with the bios, whether that be DH, BM or SKs themselves, and are "lucky," if you want to use that word, and don't see or understand why other SMs have issues. Believe me, not every SM is created equal.

I am about to become the SM to soon to be ss8. His BM bailed and is not in the picture at all and there is my SO's sister that has played a huge role and is kinda feeling like a BM. My SO and I have discussed alot about how we are going to parent his son and what we will do moving forward. He wants me to play a very active role in SS life because the BM is not around and he wants the sister/aunt to take a step back and hopes the 3 of us form a unit.

SO has this huge desire to give his son a sense of stability and routine that sometimes a two parent household can provide. Sometimes a one parent household can provide that as well but from seeing my mom being a single parent for several years when I was younger cause I had a deadbeat BD when she got remarried to my SD it made a large difference. They worked as a team to finish raising me I was 16 but my mom said more to me and my SD let her but they discussed things together and then my mom addressed me about going to college, losing the attitude, showing respect, and I think that was a good way to go.

I see alot on here about Step Parents not playing a role and just letting things happen. From experience and seeing my whole family of blended marriages over the years it is really important that the married couples support one another and talk things out and work at it together to come up with what suits them best and practice that moving forward when addressing the skids. No situation is the same because no person is the same, there maybe similarities but you are who you are.

If you feel your are responsible for the skid and so does your SO than yes you are. If SO says hey my kid I say what goes than no you are not responsible because they are putting you a notch down (my opinion). If that is the case it creates a very difficult relationship dynamic because skids may never respect you and think they can walk all over you. When it is your home and you are paying bills that is a hard thing to take. Again my opinion but your SO should let the skids know you are an adult and should be respected, lets face it when they go to a friends house they have to listen to that adult and follow those rules your house and place should be no different. You and SO should be equal otherwise skids will see its not and take advantage. Heck I tried but it didn't work with my parents.

There's a responsibility to the child but there's also the responsibility of the bioparent to the stepparent and the marriage. IMO, most problems that stepparents have with their Skids are directly caused by the biological parents who think the stepparent is less important and treat them that way in front of the Skids, teach the kids to be disrespectful and hurtful, and put the marriage 2nd. We are treated like 2nd class citizens in our own homes. We are expected to pay for the skids, babysit them, provide for them yet we have no say in discipline or general child rearing.

Though not a particularly popular perspective among some STalkers my perspective is that a SParent is an equity parent in their equity life partnership/marriage.

The operant part of the term Step Parent is "Parent". Step is merely the prefix indicating a parent through marriage rather than a parent by biology. A Sparent is a parent to any children in their home or any child they participated in creating biologically no less so than any other parent and IMHO far more so than a manipulative PAS-ing toxic parent in the blended family opposition.

Yes, a SParent should be supportive of their partner as a parent no less so than the partner with the bio spawn in the marriage should support the SParent as an equity parent in the home/family. In the event that the breeder half of the equity life partnership is a waste of parental skin then it is the duty and right of the SParent to parent and discipline and if the breeder partner can't step up and get the parenting and disciplining done before the SParent has too then the breeder partner can STFU and support the SParent.

Just my thoughts of course.