Instead of "does it get better"..."does it stay good?"
Ok so I posted a while back but then my infant son decided he hated sleep and I have only been able to lurk
Now. I have two daughters age 10 and 8. 10 year old is perfect IMO. 8 year old is great but a bit lazy...she takes some prompting to do her chores but in a way I don't blame her cuz she was baby-Ed...MY fault. I'm aggressively dealing with this.
Their dad and his wife and i are all on talking terms...but most correspondence is between their dad and I. We have email, and in person convos....texts are only limited to emergencies. We have no issues. Our girls are a week with me and w week with him...we live 12 mins from
Eachother. I've been married a little over a year and my husband treats them as if they were his own. If my kids get shitty for whatever reason- I'm all over them. If they are rude to me in front of my ex (rarely!) they are told by him to respect their mom. Their step dad, whoever.
As much as I don't like his wife- I say the same thing. Respect her! (She has no kids as per her choice- but ok)
While I do have slight issues from time to time we co parent the four of us nicely. If my husband. And his wife can't reach an agreement it's dealt With promptly by a bio parent. Pretty sure we have our shit together.
My husband has a 4 year old daughter. UuuGh!! K so wait- before I'm told torun for the hills..
I've been in her life since she was 2. She loves me. She loves my daughters. She really loves the 8 month old son her dad and I have together. While the disciplining of her is up to her dad- she basically follows the same rules as my children and those will be the same rules for our son together. She calls me by my name or "other mom".. I encourage her to call me by my name.
My daughters have a step mom...title or not/ "mommy" is for the bio mom (for the most part)
SD comes biweekly. We all love it. She's cute and fun and usually listens.
Lately. When she comes...she's very possessive of her dad. My girls have spent all week with him- and really love him and vice versa. It started as "hug me the most" or " am I the prettiest?" And he would say "I love u al the same and ir all beautiful."
I understand that at 4 years old dealing with a new family (although it's been 2 years) is hard- she's never had a issue with the other girls...it's our son. She takes toys from him..when he babbles "dadada" she says "NO! He's MY daddy!!" Etc.
Husband and o have talked. When she does this he says "YES!! I'm your daddy! But! I'm Bentley's daddy too!" And he hugs them Both.
When we are talking and she interrupts...he blantant ignores her until we are finished. Then he devotes his time to her. She always says "nothing daddy!". I pointed out the obvious and he gets it.
I suggested that he does daddy/daughter dates...which have happened.
No problem!
Cept.
The entire fucking time she is at our house and or with him alone...ALL she says is " my mommy my mommy my mommy"
If there was any semblance to my relationship with my ex; I wouldn't care!
Howe er.
Ex has FULLY made it clear
That she wants him back.
Tit pics AFTER we were married., propositions etc.
K so. Everything has worked nicely. Husband and I are
On the same page- regardless of the child. There is a huge backstory to his kid but he just started getting g her regular st 12 mons. I've been there and helped a ton; she's mine too. However! My own children have a step m
So I'm fully aware
Of the boundaries! Bio mom
Is...insecure, immature, contradictory, annoying,
Etc etc.
SD loves me and my kids. Now what!
Is the neediness going to get worse??
Ty for the replies. I am not
Ty for the replies. I am not militant and of course all kids are treated like individuals, but most rules apply to all (no jumping on the couch, no hitting etc) each kid is celebrated for their uniqueness- sorry if I wasn't clear.
I'm not sure I agree with the point of DH going out of his way to cater to her...or perhaps i took that the wrong way. We will not be rolling out the red carpet for her, the other girls or our son together.
As far as being mine...in some ways yes she is. I definitely don't take over for her care but I'm always there and most times she comes to me anyway. I feel love for her and a responsibility to her but I am well aware that at the end of the day I am NOT her parent and have no real say or legal right to her life. If DH and I split I won't see her. I know all of that and I'm ok with it.
She can not want me around all she wants as she ages but it won't matter a damn bit lol, this is my home. And my children's' home. Majority rules lol. What's good is that DH is aware of all of this (he's been reading step family issues like I have been) and he's prepared. I give him fake scenarios and he responds fairly.
The One who pointed out that she's insecure about her dad- yes,
For sure she is!! Bm told her that she will never have more children because she loves her the most and that daddy doesn't love her the most because he had a new baby. (Wtf!!?) SD told us that when she was 3.5, no way she could make that up.
BM told her that daddy has a new princess now (me) again wtf?!?!
He does his best to assure his daughter and she usually is well adjusted and happy. She shares a room with my daughter and everyone gets along well. I don't have that feeling of wanting to hide when she comes (although from age 0-6 mos I did NOT want her around my son and I still don't know why, and if someone says he resembles her I say NO he doesn't!)
It is my (perhaps naive) hope that since she will always remember me being in her life and never remember just being alone with her father that it might not turn quite as bad as some people have it.
I think if she were older and remember her parents together or even just alone time with her dad it would be very difficult to adjust to. I dunno. Here's to hope! (I drink wine. Lots and lots of wine haha!)
"if someone says he resembles
"if someone says he resembles her I say NO he doesn't!"
Why would you say this about your son's half sister? They have the same father so of course they resemble each other. I hope you've never said this in front of her because that is very hurtful.
Actually no, They don't look
Actually no,
They don't look alike at all!
I no longer feel this way,
It was
Something I felt after my baby was born. Baby blues/slight PPD maybe?
I dunno.
I had a lot of weird feelings about all the kids after I had him. That was 8 mos ago tho so all back to normal now!
Everyone in our family knows
Everyone in our family knows she's crazy and no one acknowledges her.
We don't give her the power of getting angry with her bullshit. When she texts DH stuff he says "(child) is good. Don't text me" or if she says anytning ridiculous to me I just laugh at her and say "yup ok"
We don't get all worked up because it's just all bullshit. She will probably calm down when she meets a good guy, if that will ever happen.
You can't be manipulated if u don't allow it!
I'm
Concerned for how things will be the older this child gets.
What a wretched thing to say
What a wretched thing to say to a little child.
Does your husband have siblings? Do you? Does she have any grandparents nearby?
I would show her pics of daddy as a little kid with his sibling/s and have g & g tell her how much they love both their kids.
You could try some kiddie books if you can find them, where the characters have siblings. At her age it shouldn't be too hard to find a book where puppies are loved by daddy and mommy dog, chipmunks, etc.
I would have her be active in this, too. Have her drawing and coloring families of puppies, bunnies, etc. She can name them, draw hearts around them (for love), etc.
I would not cater to her in anyway, though. What this child is craving is NORMALCY. Show her what normalcy is, do not distort her world even further.
You can also remind her how much fun it is to have sisters. Mommies and Daddies love all their children and the children love each other.
Again ty for the replies. Tbh
Again ty for the replies. Tbh her antics annoy the living shit out of me.(BM)
Like I said my daughters have a step mother and while I'm not thrilled about that there is a common ground and an understanding that *i* am mommy first, but she is daddy's wife and does have a small say in their lives and they WILL show respect.
The issues with BM are insane. She's told SD that our baby's name is stupid, that I'm fat, that my kids are NOT her sisters and to not talk about them, that she doesn't have to listen to me, that I'm not allowed to do her hair and to not let me, etc. The list
Grows bigger and bigger every second week.
She stated to my husband that she NEVER wants to talk to me ever.
Ok extremely unrealistic but fine little girl, let's play ur game.
I've texted when my DH is working (yes there are some weekends he HAS to work- I am on Mat leave and he cannot switch hours) to simply ask her "what discipline method do u use for xyz or how do u handle when she has pee accidents- wanna keep it consistent"
She NEVER responds. Just copy and pasted the message to my husband and says "why?"
So DH says "WHY is because she's the one with her right now and instead of overstepping bounds or dealing with it her way, she's consulting you for consistency!!"
So one weekend I had to pick her up. BM will NOT look me in my face or barely in my direction. She barked "you WILL text me when you get home
So I know she's safe" and I said "nope! U don't want to deal with me, remember?" I shit my car door and left. DH's phone went off all night asking if she got home and he said "I dunno/ I'm at work- text my wife"
It's stupid games like that. I am completely aware that it's THEIR kid, THEIR problem! But to NEVER talk to me for the rest of our lives is so unrealistic. This kid is heavily influenced by me and my kids and comes to my home every other week. I'm the mother of her baby brother for fuck sakes.
Anyway I went off there lol sorry. It's annoying but it's only biweekly and as of yet, SD
Doesn't rule the house. She fits in very well and knows what expected of her. Ofc there are issues but nothing unmanageable and the MOST important thing is that my DH and I are rock solid and will let NONE of the kids
Come
Between us.
The next time BM flirts with my DH I would love to kick her right in her dirty cunt tho- no lie hahahah. Sorry. Truth tho!
I would not cater to her in
I would not cater to her in anyway, though. What this child is craving is NORMALCY. Show her what normalcy is, do not distort her world even further.
THIS^!!!! So much this. Wise woman!
Really, she's doing you a
Really, she's doing you a favor not talking to you. Leave it like that.
Who cares what bm does for wetting your pants? This is YOUR home. Handle it your way. Never, ever let that child believe your power derives from BM. You are an adult and caregiver and homeowner in your own right. THAT is where your power derives from. At ALL times. (Of course, I'm leaving out the part about daddy but let's just stick with this for now--your dh seems completely in the groove already)
BM does not control the cashier at the ice cream store or the pediatrician when she gets her shots or the next door neighbor with the fun flower garden. You are not some category of "Especially Dangerous Person" or "Non-functioning semi-junior-adult" that has to be policed by BM in your every interaction with a child under your care in your own home. Be the great caregiver you are and continue to partner spectacularly with your dh the way you already are and leave that witch out of things.
My skids were older when I came into their lives so not a direct comparison but I have cordial small chat or minor exchanges of kid-info with BM only. It works fine. And when I say "kid info" I mean "ss said he had a headache" or "ss did really great at the party." I NEVER ask her "how would you handle this?" Perish the thought! She handles everything terribly and, frankly, so does your bm! BM would probably advise you to say, "Little sd, you wet your pants cuz you're anxious daddy doesn't love you anymore, right? Ok, tell daddy to divorce me and go back to your mommy!"
Just do as bm asked and leave her out of EVERYTHING. Trust me, sd will never mistake you for her bm. The dangers of "overstepping" for most reasonable people are largely mythical. Just run your home.
And, of course, thanks for
And, of course, thanks for your kind words. : )
Thank you so much for that
Thank you so much for that reply. That's amazing and you are absolutely right. She says she
Wants to be advised about everything and while my gut didn't like it I thought alright, whatever. You are so very right. She doesn't handle things well. She doesn't even cut her own kids toenails...I do it! I can't stand the thought of a poorly groomed child lol.
Both. It does get better and
Both. It does get better and it certainly can stay good if you and your SO are equity life partners who put each other first and partner in raising all of the kids in your joint home.