Danielle- Yes I do feel that it is disrespectful that I am not listened to completely. We discuss the issues and within 1 visit things are reverting back to the previous normal. He pays attention but I am sure that it is guilt that he lost the court battle. I will stop addressing her directly and give that a shot. I am certainly up for trying things differently.

The catering thing is like this...shes picky (extreme picky), but not a small child by any means. So she is eating something well. The menu is planned by her likes and dislikes and the chance of eating what is prepared. So when she is here we eat the same thing all the time. I am not afraid of tantrums. However, I think he is afraid that she will eventually reject visiting or tell her mommy. I stopped preparing the meals as most everything ended up down the garbage disposal. Meals have been prepared that she requested...then refused to eat. So I gave up.

Thank you very much for giving me useful advice.

BethAnne- So that was my thought too. Why should the punishment stick in our home as well? Despite the limited BM involvement although the child resides with her she is the ONLY one to EVER discipline the child. I was raised in a blended family and my punishments never held up in my mothers home.

He is willing to do counseling (which I think will be of great assistance). I think he needs counseling himself to deal with the guilt of loosing the court battle to begin with. I think he needs a professional to guide him in dealing with his mother, the BM, and the child. He want's my advice (but never seems to take it). I wait for the day that I can say told you so, (I know its cruel) but I have stopped helping, advising, and everything. Yesterday was the first try out and I caught myself biting my tongue A LOT! So yes, to just not be here seems like it would be so mush easier. I do have to say that he stepped up a lot but the idol threats kill me! A ton of talk and no follow through! And she knows what she is doing....She looks to me and smiles because she knows I would not let it fly and daddy will! So I just walk away and occupy my time in another room.

Sueu2- I am agreeing with you mostly. The only thing that I disagree with is the fact I do not live in his mothers basement nor does he. We did for less than a year and have been back on our own for an equal amount of time.

He and I sat down several nights in a row to discuss this....I told him flat out....She has 2 parents, albeit that they parent and have WAY different ideas on parenting you and the BM are HER parents so act like it. Parenting is hard and involves discipline, encouragement, and moral guiding and none of those should be confused with each other. I told him unless something goes dangerously wrong I am not stepping in. I told him if he didn't pay attention to bedtime and let her stay up all night...NOT MY PROBLEM. If he wants to let her sleep with a TV and lights on and shes over stimulated and stays up all night...NOT MY PROBLEM. If he wants to allow her to boss him around....NOT MY PROBLEM. If he wants to be a short order cook for her...NOT MY PROBLEM. If he wants to give her everything to avoid her tantrums and crying...NOT MY PROBLEM. Because I don't have to continue to choose to put up with it!! I told him I raised a well-rounded and wonderful child that learned that disappointment is a reality and it sucked. Parenting isn't like what tv displays it as so stop trying to be a Disney dad, unless that is what you want. If you want her to think of you as a pushover and a liar than continue. I told him that only when you ask for help will I offer and then I have to be convinced that you will absorb and listen to me. I also told him I was done spending time and energy looking for clothes, toys what ever for her because I get no credit and lets face it....she has EVERYTHING she needs not wants because of me. He wants us to be a family he says.....I told him FLAT OUT then you should have backed me, supported me, and not let everyone cut me down with this child. So she is legally the BM's responsibility and not mine. She is your responsibility not mine. I have zero say and at this time want zero say. I told him that I will be respected, my dogs respected, and my belongings respected in our home. I will not tolerate and deviation from those 3 things. Told him that means you set the example! So yesterday while she was here.....He told her NO and stuck to it more than I have ever heard and witnessed. At a Christmas party he gave her cake with out eating a significant amount of healthy food (1 celery stick dosent constitute significant in my book)....NOT MY PROBLEM and he dealt with the meltdown when she wanted more and he told her NO. When playing a game that she couldnt cheat in....we all continued to play and he LET her pout and cry when he didn't quit (as he always would to let her win and get her way). Every-time she stood, jumped or climbed over the furniture he corrected her (although doing nothing to stop it) So change is only permanent when CONSISTENT. So we shall see.

It was here that I found my way to verbalize to him my boundaries without making it sound like I don't want to be involved with her at all. He did tell me that I acted like and he felt as if she was inconvenience to me, and i resented her, or that I was just burnt out with her. I was able to correct that and reassure him that no, it was how I was being continuously disrespected and it was him that was doing the disrespecting and allowing her to do it because he was setting the poor example. I did tell him as well that at any point I can walk away because she is not my child and I have no responsibility to stay or be involved. I told him too that I don't want to be left alone with her because I can not be a Disney dad and I have rules. So if the need arises again either him or the BM will have to work it out.