House Rules
My wife, her 3 boys and I have been living together for a year now and we just had a baby together last month. I want to have a little talk with the writers of “The Brady Bunch”!!! Watching that show growing up taught me that two adults could work together to raise kids even if they are not their biological children. They were obviously delusional! In the last year I have learned that my opinion does not matter, my house is not my house, I can attempt to make rules but not enforce them and that if I ask the kids to do anything other then play video games, watch TV or whatever they’re always doing on their phones, I’m being demanding and mean!?
The rule in question right now is “No food or drink in your bedroom”. I am helping to give these… kids a safe and secure place to live, I provide for them and try to be a good responsible adult figure in their lives, all I ask is that while they live in my house they follow a few simple rules. My wife on the other hand seems to think they are too young to do chores and too old to be told what to do. They are 11, 13 & 16. Over all they are good kids, I don’t blame them for the things they do that I don’t like, I blame their upbringing, they don’t know any different.
So back to the problem.
I have caught all of them with food or drink in their rooms. I talk to my wife and she talks to the kids. I don’t know what she tells them but the 16 year old seems to think he can do whatever he wants. I really hope she’s not saying “If you’re going to break ‘his’ rules you need make sure 'he' doesn’t catch you. This is a rule we had both agreed on before we implemented it. In the last 2 months I have watched the 16 yo, 3 times, take food or drinks into his room and close the door. I talk to his mom and she hesitantly goes to talk to him. She tells me he says ‘sorry’ and that’s it! She doesn’t take it away from him, he still has the food and drink in his room. Today I was walking by his room and saw Cheetos on the floor so I walked in and he has a bag of Cheetos and a bag of something else hiding on the other side of his bed. I didn’t touch them. I talk to his mom again and this time I ask her what we are going to do about it because he apparently doesn’t care about the rules. She says “I don’t know”. I suggest we take away his electronics until he decides to follow the rules. She just acts really irritated and stops talking to me. I tell her we need to talk and decide what to do together, something that might actually work and make him realize that rules need to be followed. I tell her I’ll give her time to think about it and we can talk later. She says “he’s my kid and I will do it myself”. Here’s where I don’t know what to do. Yes he is her kid but we are all living together and we all need to work together to make it a comfortable and happy place to live. I feel that she had her chance (3 chances in the last 2 months) to do something herself so I want to be a part of it this time. I think I have a right, as the responsible adult in the house, to make rules and expect them to be followed. I also think I have the right to enforce the rules of the house and be a part of the punishment decision when necessary. I don’t try to make rules about their lives just how things are done in my house.
Here’s a big question. Is it a bad idea to suggest, to him or my wife, that if he can’t follow the rules in our house he can go live with his Dad?
If he can't stop taking food
If he can't stop taking food in his room, then take the door off. Obviously he can't be trusted to follow even the simplest rule so why let him have a door he can close to hide his disobedience? Just take it off and let him earn it back. With a new baby, she is probably so tired and just wants to avoid fights and disagreements. This is one way she can show her son she is dead serious without having to yell or argue.
Yeah... I don't want to see
Yeah... I don't want to see all that.
You're right, food and drink
You're right, food and drink in the room is not the only issue. The fact that he can not follow a simple rule is the issue. My wife not really wanting to enforce a rule that we both agreed on is also an issue.
Maybe, but if he had any
Maybe, but if he had any respect for me at all he would follow the rule. It's a simple SIMPLE rule.
Hmmm...Does that mean my wife has no respect for me? :jawdrop:
Your wife has no respect for
Your wife has no respect for your parenting skills, your place as an adult in the home or as an equal partner. The children do not need to respect you because there are no consequences when they don't and their mother shields them from you.
It sounds like your wife
It sounds like your wife isn't really enforcing the rule. Maybe you need to have a sit down with her - not the kid - and talk about rules. It's possible she doesn't agree with the rule but didn't want to argue when you initially talked about it. I had a similar problem about a year ago. SD is 4 and I wanted her to wash her hands after every meal/snack at the table before she was allowed to go play. When I told my husband (then boyfriend) he said sure... I came to find out he wasn't sticking to it when I wasn't around. We had a sit down and I explained to him WHY i wanted that rule in place.
I simply told him, I know most of our furniture is older but when we move, we're upgrading it all and I want her to have good habits so she doesn't get messes on the new things. I told him although it's not very important to him to keep things nice, it's very important to me. I explained that I take pride in my home and this rule is really important to me. He understands and I know now he makes sure she washes her hands after every meal.
Is there a reason you have the rule of no food in the rooms? Do they tend to get messes all over the place? Leave old food sitting there? Or do they clean up shortly after? I eat snacks in my room all the time but obviously i'm a grown woman so i pick up after myself. But it's possible for teenagers to do the same if they're taught to. Maybe you can compromise? They can eat in their room if they make sure all messes are cleaned/dishes aren't left behind.
I've tried to have talks with
I've tried to have talks with her about the kids before and she gets very defensive and angry. It's like she takes on a them (her & the kids) against me attitude. I'm not aggressive with my complaints and I don't expect the house to be spick-and-span all the time. I guess I should try again.
We have the rule because they were messy when we first moved in together, food wrappers and remnants all over the house. We paid a $1200 cleaning deposit and then had to scrub stains out of the carpet) After the rule it got much better for the most part but the youngest was still really messy. The older boys would probably be ok but the youngest is a slob. I wouldn't feel right making a rule just for him(he's mommy's favorite too so she would never go for that)so the rule has to apply to all three of them.
I also had to deal with this
I also had to deal with this situation. When DH and I moved in together, be bought a fairly large house to accommodate four growing boys. It had a Full finished basement which we assumed the boys would spend a lot of time hanging out in. DH and I both made a rule, no eating in the bedrooms or basement. I already knew the house was large and would take a lot of work keeping it clean so the rule was put in place. I lost count as to how many mornings I would wake up and see food and drinks scattered all over the basement. The SS's were sneaking snacks and drinks in the basement after we went to bed.
I would ask each kid who did it and the three SS"s would never fess up. I would tell them NO MORE EATING IN THE BASEMENT...repeatedly.
DH was ZERO help and had an "what's the big deal attitude". Considering he never cleaned it up, it was a big deal to me.
The last time it happened I was over it. I had gone down to the basement on a Saturday Morning about 7 am. Saw the mess.
I went into each of the kids rooms and woke them all up. I made ALL of them go down and clean it up.
I decided if they were going to protect the guilty person, they could all suffer the consequences.
Lets just say...they were not happy. I also told them the next time I find a snack wrapper anywhere other than the trash can, I would no longer buy snacks again.
Soon after that, I had the YSS come running to me and telling me that MSS was eating in the basement. YSS didn't want to get woke up again and have to clean so he started telling on MSS.
Worked like a charm....I never had to clean snacks up out of the basement again.
I do this with everything.
I do this with everything. Anytime SD half-asses something (she's only 5 so things like not flushing the toilet, not putting her shoes away, not turning off her bedroom light, not putting her dish in the sink) I go wherever she is, make her stop whatever show she's watching or stop playing with whatever toy she's playing with, and have her address the problem. Sure, it's easier to handle it myself, but guess how often she repeats the offending behaviour? Almost never lol. The time she forgot to flush the toilet before she went to bed, I woke her up, and walked her there to flush it herself.
DH thought it was harsh and dramatic, but sure enough, she always remembers now. It's called responsibility for your own behaviour and actions and they can learn it young
People are always impressed when SD walks into their house, takes off her shoes, and nicely puts them in the closet before doing anything.
Exactly! At first DH thought
Exactly! At first DH thought it was mean "because she's so young" but now he loves it! He's proud to have a 5 year old who picks up after herself, gets herself dressed, and impresses other adults with her manners. My parents actually prefer to have SD in their house than their two biograndkids because she doesn't make a mess or touch their stuff.
They love having her over whereas their other grandkid leaves his toys laying around, plays with their stuff, leaves snack wrappers on the table, etc.
He's told me before that he's so grateful I stepped up and taught her so many things. He knows he wouldn't have pushed it because he thought she was his little baby girl who didn't need to do everything herself lol
I tried that before we made
I tried that before we made the rule. I didn't try very long though because I didn't want the house to become a disaster while I was attempting to teach them. If my wife was actively helping me it would have been much easier and faster.
I've done that, it doesn't
I've done that, it doesn't work.
They just use the data on their phones to do everything they want and I can't turn that off.
The two oldest kids are on
The two oldest kids are on their Dad's plan. My wife and the youngest are on my plan.
She does work. We split everything.
Their Dad is not currently paying any support. He just pays for the two phones and stocks them up with junk food when they go to his house.
Tried that too. She is too
Tried that too. She is too defensive when it comes to the kids, even if it's calm and constructive. when I start talking about my feelings she acts like I'm being a baby and real men don't have feelings.
Suggested marital counseling too, she just looked at me like I kicked her puppy and said "I don't need that!"
That's a little harsh...but
:O That's a little harsh...but maybe that's why she says "I don't need that" maybe she's afraid of what she might learn.
I'm willing to find out I'm an asshole. If it's me that is causing the problem and I can do something about it? by all means tell me I'm an asshole doc.
What you say about the
What you say about the counseling makes sense. I would want to know if I was causing her unhappiness.
I've thought about disengaging and actually mentioned it to her. She said she doesn't want that and I don't think I could do it anyway. How does a person disengage from children that he lives with full time? :? Even if I disengage from the kids I'm still responsible for the condition of the house.
I've thought of trying that
I've thought of trying that but haven't yet. maybe that's my next step.
When we first moved in she
When we first moved in she was paying more of the rent but she used that against me saying that I am still living like a single man and have no real responsibilities like she does. I decided to go ahead and try to make what we had into a 50/50 real family. That works fine when we pay the bills but when it comes to making decisions it's different, I'm still the outsider.
From my perspective/direct
From my perspective/direct experience with the EXACT same situation talking with spouse does NOTHING.
SDs, when I met them were 7 and 9.
No rules, no expectations, slightly feral, out of control, no chores no nothing!
It was insane.
I laid out certain expectations to DH before I moved in - mostly to do with ME, not THEM. This helped me in the future I think...clean kitchen, clean bath, our room cleaned up. No mess left in living areas. I've been consistent in this.
When we moved into OUR home, those expectations remained with a slight adjustment to the bathroom...OUR bath remains clean SDs have their own and should maintain it.
So the crux is at first I DID try to teach SDs to clean rooms (it stuck with SDthen7) and have chores. Nothing worked. Because DH thought they were "too young" or "it was too hard" or "I was too strict" - this went from cleaning up their art projects to brushing their teeth regularly. Nothing I did was right.
So on advice from this site I stopped. It was very, very difficult.
In OUR house, which we both bought, I relapsed a bit with SDs (now almost 11 and 13). SD10 is ok, she likes things clean and neat, but SD13 is a complete lazy slob. She is bathing semi-regularly now, but she still doesn't brush her teeth, pick up after herself, and her room is really bad (food rotten in there even though I "banned it", dirty serve ware, rotten food in tupperwear, food wrappers, dirty smelly clothes, broken hangers, used feminine pad etc., etc). So bad that DH and I bagged it up (everything) two times and took it all to the garage. Her reaction? NOTHING. Then DH started feeling sorry for her. I knew that taking off the door would never work by this point, because DH would put it back. Same story with their bathroom.
Now what do I do? NOTHING. I told DH, one time, very clearly, that if anything happens to their bath or SD13s bedroom (i.e. damages that need repair, infestations that need an exterminator, plumber, anything) it was all on him and him alone to fix it. None of my money, or shared house account money would be used for it since I'd been giving him help and trying to make sure that problems didn't happen in the first place. That I was DONE helping and it was all on him from this point forward. And I shut up. I don't go in SD13s room unless I have to (like the bee sting incident). If he even mentions anything like SD's toilet being clogged up and neither of them letting him know I shrug. If he tells me SD13 refused to get her trash from her room for him I shrug. If he asks me if SD13 brushed her teeth I shrug.
He is now making her clean her room more often, but there's no follow up. He doesn't see how she's cleaning up.
Her teeth are rotting.
She wears dirty clothing.
Neither SD has chores to this day although SD10 will help around the house on her own if she sees us cleaning. He's requiring SD13 to help with dinner clean up and made her help with dinner prep the other night (a yelling match happened, but he did it!)...so there's improvements but it will take a long time.
Wow that sound sooo familiar.
Wow that sound sooo familiar. But honestly, I don't think I could live like that. I need to know I can trust the people I am busting my butt for to do what is expected of them. I would like a little respect for the effort a sacrifices I make even though I do not have to.
Meh, I don't bust my butt for
Meh, I don't bust my butt for them.
I tried that, didn't work.
I don't feel disrespected, DH just doesn't know how to do it and he doesn't want the help, so there you go. Alllll yours.
Everyone has different levels of comfort.
My wife does the whole rules
My wife does the whole rules thing with me, but then doesn't make her kid stick to them because she's not a bad kid or whatever. So, in the end the kid stays home from school, does nothing, and only will do chores when my wife has to ask like 3 times.
It's maddening, actually, to a point where I have anxiety all day long.