I want to work it out, but I don't know how!
My boyfriend (31) and I (21) have been friends for several years. We have been together for almost a year, and I met his son (9) last May. Things were great then, and I liked him. He only has him on the weekends.
Then, I started realizing the disrespectful, spoiled behavior he is allowed to get away with. He told his dad to "make me" put on a movie he liked when I was scrolling through the tv. I told him that I was an adult and his dad doesn't tell me what to do. He told me his dad's older than me and pays rent. My boyfriend just sat there. Another example of the lack of discipline he has is that he was forging his signature on his report card and got caught. His "punishment" was getting his phone taken away for a WEEK. Why does a 9 year old need a phone anyway?
My boyfriend is a Disney dad and when I admitted my anxiety being around his son, and how I'm constantly disrespected, he said he would work on it, and admitted he's scared he won't want to come over anymore. I moved back in with my parents. I have a 3 y.old and a 10 onth old. I don't want them thinking this is OK. His son corrects adults all the time, and is much nicer to me when his dad isn't around. He tells his dad he misses me, etc, but I feel they miss having a maid
I finally started verbally disciplining him when his dad didn't stand up for me, but I'm NOT his parent, and I won't allow a child to treat me this way.
I don't know what to do to salvage this. I hide in the bedroom when I'm there, and my mom has even taken my kids for a bit so I could drink and relax. I feel bad for his son, because his parents don't pay much attention to him. He gets sat in front of a TV. His mother had never met me before, introduced herself, then left all in 5 mins when my boyfriend wasn't home. I couldn't ever leave my kids with a stranger!
I've never had this problem with anyone I've dated. I loved their kids. I feel so guilty and alone.
He mocks me as well, and his
He mocks me as well, and his dad will sit there, then blow up over minor things. He doesn't make him clean up after himself, and I hate it. He told me to give his son a chance the other day. I let his son have some of my chips, and when I reached for them back, he squealed that they were his.
Your boyfriend actually means
Your boyfriend actually means give him another chance. He's not a good dad, plain and simple. He allowed a child to gain too much power over the fear of "what if" his kid doesn't want to come over anymore. The kid doesn't have a choice if there's a court order. He goes or the courts/police gets involved. Period.
So, this is what you have to look forward to the rest of your time with him unless daddy dearest can change the way he parents. I'm on my kid about the things you say his son does and she's already pretty much not doing it (the "mine" and the not cleaning up, and the correcting adults) but she's THREE, not 9. I'd be seriously questioning my parenting skills if my kid is OFTEN disrespectful at 9.
Exactly! My son is 3 and
Exactly! My son is 3 and picks up his toys, knows better than to throw a fit (and if he does, he goes to time out or gets a toy taken.)
I just always feel bad saying anything to his son about his behavior. He was licking his fingers clean one night, and tried reaching onto MY plate to get some fries. I said it was disgusting, and if he wanted some, to wash his hands. He told his dad on me, and his dad said, "Children, children" i flipped out, and he said he was joking -.-
Kudos to you for moving out
Kudos to you for moving out and being a protective mom.
I'm confused about the timeline of events. You say that you have a ten month old and have been in this relationship less than a year. Is your BF the father of your baby?
At any rate, Your BF sounds like a guilty dad who lacks parenting skills, and apparently you didn't spend enough time sizing up the dynamic before agreeing to live together. Next time, slow your roll and date for at least two years before considering living together. What would have happened if you didn't have your parents' support?
As a very young mother of two, you might want focus more on getting an education and building a career instead of dating. Your kids deserve to have stability. JMO
No, my daughter isn't
No, my daughter isn't biologically his. He treats her like she is, which makes me feel bad.
I'm at their house now, doing online school and job hunting! One step at a time
But she had 2 kids herself.
But she had 2 kids herself. How many people would tell young, smart, childless men to run like the wind from young women with children?
I forgot to add, one time I
I forgot to add, one time I was playing a game with them, the dog was chewing on herself, I yelled at her to stop and his son says, "She's a female dog just like you!" I told my ex in front of his son I'm not dealing with a disrespectful little brat. I heard him tell my ex I ruined family time. Like, wtf? You did by being a spoiled asshole!
I do online school full-time
I do online school full-time (I'll have my associates degree in the fall), so she doesn't have to watch them then. When I have a job, she watches them. My last was seasonal, so I have been looking for another one. I found a promising one tonight that I applied for
Whatever you decide to do, do
Whatever you decide to do, do not continue to sacrifice yourself and your own children on the alter of feeling bad for your former SO's kid.
If SO can't pull his head out and learn to be a viable adult and effective parent in his own right then he is not someone you or anyone else need to invest the rest of their lives in.
You are 21... lonely is a temporary state. You will find the right partner who will be both an equity life partner to you and an effective equity parent to any kids in the home the two of you will build together regardless of the kid biology involved. The key is valuing yourself and tolerating only partners who will value you as a full equity life partner and make you and the relationship you share as their unequivocal priority.
Put on your big girl panties and grow some confidence. Good luck.
at the age 21 - you should
at the age 21 - you should not be tied down to a guy 31 with a child from a previous marriage....
Hon it's just so wrong, If I was your mother I would've gotten rid of this guy, he's stealing your youth..
Leave this relationship dear, find a silly 23 year old guy with ambition and spark, build a life with him and enjoy all the first there's to life, first wife, first BM you name it... do not do this to yourself Hon, you are way to young to be dealing with this.
When you reach 40 you will look back at your life and wonder... what did I do, all those wasted year.. travel the world, and enjoy being 21.... playing mommy is not for 21 year old.. especially when it's not even your child
talking out of experience
Playing mommy is not for 21
Playing mommy is not for 21 year old...but she has a 3 year old and a 10 month old of her own from a previous baby daddy (or daddies). I doubt she can use her twenties to travel the world and I doubt a 23 year old with ambition and spark would consider her a good catch. I do think she should dump this guy, focus on her education/career and her kids for now, and worry about a man later.
have to admit I missed that
:jawdrop: :jawdrop: have to admit I missed that lol.... thanks Zipper...
scratch my idea OP - focus on your children and get a college qualification before you become welfare BM age 27
I get in the fall. Thanks for
I get in the fall. Thanks for your sweet concern though
Zip, "I do think she should
Zip,
"I do think she should dump this guy, focus on her education/career and her kids for now, and worry about a man later."
This advice is right on IMHO.
If her partner is not supportive of this then she needs to reprioritize and focus on improving life for herself and her kids while putting this guy in her rear view mirror.
It is not impossible. My wife had SS when she was 16 and went on to finish HS with honors and with her class, a dual major BS with honors, an MBA with honors and to create a successful career as a CPA. For some reason young women who have children young (single teen moms) tend to be marginalized by their own perspective and the perspective of others who by default seem to not hold them to performance standards that any young person should hold themselves to and others should hold them to.
If that makes any sense at all.
My Mil has several coworkers with either daughters or grand daughters who got pregnant in their teens. WHen my MIL tells them that it is not the end of the world and the girls can still go on to accomplish whatever they are willing to do the work to accomplish she tends to get a lot of pushback that "your daughter is not normal" or some such crap. My wife grew up in multigenerational poverty on all three sides of her family. Her BioDad was killed in a single car MVA before my MIL knew she was pregnant. My MIL married my FIL when my DW was 2mos old.
While I agree that my bride is far from normal and is a mutant in all three of the IL gene pools she is proof that drive, work ethic, perseverance, and goal oriented long game actions can lift just about anyone above difficult circumstances.
So, to the OP... do not sacrifice yourself on the alters of teen pregnancy tragedy or young blended family marriage martyrdom. Invest in yourself and improving your life and the life of your kids. Do not tolerate any partner that is not on board and participatory in those goals.
Get your butt in school and stay there for your entire life in order to continuously upgrade your qualifications, set the right example for your kids, and when you are in the right place the right partner will find you.
Learn from your past, strive for your own and your children's futures, and live in the moment.
Good luck.
Yep, my babies are my world.
Yep, my babies are my world. Let's condemn my mother for letting me drink and relax once. It's way better than me getting drunk around my kids.
^^THIS!
^^THIS!
Excuse me? I had a job, then
Excuse me? I had a job, then when it was completed, I was let go. It was seasonal, so it was expected. I was a temp. My kids have ONE dad, so quit the sex shaming. I also am a full-time college student online, and I almost have my associates degree. I can't move out with no money, so that's stupid to even suggest. Maybe in a fantasy world!
I did leave him, so you can quit patting yourself on the back about what >you< would have done.
Nothing was mentioned about any other men, and it's silly to assume that.
You didn't have a job you had
You didn't have a job you had seasonal work. With 2 children you need to pull your head out of your a$$ and get your life together!
Seasonal work is work. It's
Seasonal work is work. It's what I do while I'm in school to be successful. I do 18 hour credit semesters.
Does seasonal work cover all
Does seasonal work cover all your living expenses for yourself and your children (not sure if you get support from the children's father).
I think people are trying to tell you that this situation with this guy doesn't seem like a really great idea and they think you should focus on yourself and your children. Two kids by 21 is pretty young.
Where would you live if you weren't with him? Were you working FT before you met him?
I do get support from him.
I do get support from him. The point right now is to have a supplemental income to help with groceries, gas, my kids stuff until I have my degree and can make good money. Good jobs don't come without education.
I am not with him. I'm at my parents. It was full-time even though it was seasonal. I got the job right after I started dating him. I'm just not committing to a job that wants to keep me on, when I can start a career this fall.
My son is 25. He's in grad
My son is 25. He's in grad school (15 credits this semester), working full time for a major network and part time in retail. Thank goodness he doesn't have children yet and he runs like the wind when he meets young women with kids.
Being a full time student is no excuse for not working full time when you have children to support.
Why are you asking for advice
Why are you asking for advice if you're going to get pissed off at anybody who actually gives you advice?
The situation you're in right now doesn't sound good. You need to focus on you and your kids. Don't worry about men right now. Especially men who don't parent their own kids.
I agree with this, sunshine.
I agree with this, sunshine. OP's primary focus needs to be herself and her children.
OP, is the father of your children deceased or not willing to help you? Is there CS or SS for you children? Additional info would be give a clearer picture.
People here are trying to help. The main consensus is that this man (your ex) is not a good fit and your concerns should be you and your family.
Their dad is supportive and
Their dad is supportive and involved, he's great! He has also voiced concerns about what a brat SS is, and I started letting him take them on the weekends to keep them away from the vile behavior.
I agree my ex isn't a good fit. I guess the better question is how to get over what I WANTED it to be, and accept what it never will with how he lets his son treat me, and how he excuses behavior.
Oh hon, everyone goes through
Oh hon, everyone goes through that and the answer is Time.
May I ask why you and the father called it quits? Quite unusual to move on while pregnant.
It does. It shows a lack of
It does. It shows a lack of respect from him as well, and i sometimes wonder if this is why it never worked out with his ex's. I'm the first girl he's dated that is a lot younger.
I have a lot of resentment towards him. he kisses ass when his son isn't there, makes me food some nights, massages me, etc. But I want respect, not coddling behavior.
The only thing he listened to me on was on keeping his son out of the bedroom when I'm there, and making him shower/brush his teeth. But I'm not his mom and I'm tired of this life. It doesn't seem to change.
I went back and reread some
I went back and reread some stuff.
The guy talks down to you. He doesn't parent his kids. You hide in a room when you are there. It is driving you to drink. You aren't living there (yet)...and it will only get worse. He likely sees you as good "mommy" material and that you will take over caring for his boy once he hoodwinks you into moving in or getting married.
I just for the life of me can't see why you want to stay in a relationship with someone like that. As the others said... finish your degree, enjoy your kids and get yourself in a more settled and secure place. Then you can find someone that fits your life and respects you
This resonates with me. I
This resonates with me. I have fun with him when it's just us and my kids, but the whole atmosphere changes when his son comes over. I get anxious, and i count down the hours until he leaves. It isn't realistic. :/
Funny part I forgot, he wants me to have a baby with him. I honestly feel like it's to trap me. I know that's awful to say.
Trust your feelings. A baby
Trust your feelings. A baby with him is a permanent (usually) tie.
oooooh. I think that this
oooooh. I think that this kind of solidifies what I was thinking in that he is trying to install you as the stereotypical mother figure in his house. You know the one that cooks, cleans, does all the child rearing.
Having a 3rd child before you have even had a decent shot at a career for yourself sounds disastrous. To have one with a man that MOCKS you? Devastation.
I know you probably have fun with him without kid(s) around. But, isn't that kind of like the way that people have fun when they are having an affair? They only get the fun parts of the relationship without all the dreary day to day crap all relationships deal with.
It honestly doesn't seem like he is the right guy. It also sounds like you are very close to finishing your degree and being able to move on to a FT job/career.
I would stop dating this guy and go ahead and finish up school. Then, once you are a little more stable financially etc... you can find someone that doesn't talk down to you and is interested in a partner in their life.
Your fear about the baby trap
Your fear about the baby trap he's setting for you is consistent with my first impression which is that he sought you out for a reason. You are very young. Older women won't put up with his bs. He's found that out. As you say, plenty exes have said no thanks to him already.
Plus you have babies of your own. So he thinks he can nab a very young woman and set her on the mommy path and proceed full bore with the behaviors older women have left him for.
It's funny he thinks the CHILD won't want to come over. Well, you already don't want to come over. He is showing you which of those situations concerns him the most and how he is going to handle them: belittling you and coddling Damien.
Girl... I came on here at 19
Girl...
I came on here at 19 or 20 (i'm 22 now) and got advice from the likes of sueu2, ladyface, echo, etc.
They all helped me realize that being in a relationship that young with someone who DIDN'T parent their kids properly was wrong. They all helped me set standards for myself. And that's what everyone is doing for you now.
When my husband (than boyfriend) and I initially started living together 3 years ago, he didn't parent his daughter much. She pretty much ran the house at 3 years old. It sucked. I was miserable. He expected me to watch her when he was working, yet refused to set rules for behaviour or anything.
The ladies on here pointed me in the right direction... starting with focusing on myself and saying no to anything I didn't want to be apart of. We actually took a break to both focus on ourselves, and he realized a lot of the things he was doing as a parent and boyfriend weren't okay.
We got back together and a few months later, got married. We're in an amazing relationship now where SD is well behaved, I have 100% equal say in my household and any children living in it, and he doesn't expect anything from me. Take a step back and follow some of the advice on here.
If your boyfriend loves you, he WILL start self reflecting on how he's let his kid behave and treat you. He'll put you first as his girlfriend (or even future wife) because that's what couples do. When you love someone, you don't let your child walk all over them.
In the meantime, focus on you. Do NOT have a baby with this man. Trust me. Until you can honestly say he parents his kid the same way you'd like him to parent any of your own together, don't do it. Tell him to straighten up or you're gone. See if he tries. See if he's willing to take a break and refocus his efforts on parenting and being a good boyfriend. Test him. You deserve to know he has the ability to improve for you and your future together.
Thank you!! I hope more young
Thank you!! I hope more young stepparents can take the advice they get here from you and all the others who are so helpful. I know it's made a HUGE difference in my life and it's even made a difference in my husband's. I think SD will turn out better for it, too, because I was able to set standards and clear up any disney parenting that was happening. It's much appreciated!!
xoxo
"I've never had this problem
"I've never had this problem with anyone I've dated. I loved their kids."
You are 21. How many other guys have you dated with kids??
My only comment would be that you need to make sure YOU are on the most effective form of birth control you can get.
Having a third child at your age would be a serious mistake. And all your kids would wind up paying for it, maybe for the rest of their lives.
Consider this: If you did not have your parents to live with/support you, if you did not have any kind of social services provided for you (food stamps, medical care, etc.), how would you manage?
The answer is the difference between a cognizant, fully functioning adult, and an immature person who likes playing parent.
This is an important point.
This is an important point. You might not be in a place where you can fully support your children now, because you're currently in school and all, but are you making choices that will get you there? That's what being a parent is all about. You might not be there yet, but why bring more kids into the picture until you are? Your primary focus needs to be setting up a life that's good for you and your current ones.
I'm definitely trying, but
I'm definitely trying, but it's not perfect yet. I'm working on getting my license to drive so I have another step of independence. He used to drive me everywhere.
FINALLY done with him. Ugh.
FINALLY done with him. Ugh. Had to get my login reset because I forgot my password. So, he tries to blow up my phone the other day; he wanted to hang out, but I had plans to go out to the store, library, etc. I just told him I would be with my kids all day (true) at home. I didn't want to get followed.
I stop answering texts and he starts freaking out, saying I am out having sex and then tries to tell me to video chat or send a picture to prove I'm not, or to let him hear the kids on the phone. I refused because it's really creepy. He was like having a mental breakdown; it's a cycle he goes through.
Well, he then gets mad, and says he threw my $150 in the front yard. I think he just kept it, but he's crazy regardless. He tells me he hopes the other guy was worth it, etc. Then texts my mom screenshots of when I've been mad and talked shit about her. She luckily understood, but I think he was trying to get me kicked out.
I blow up on him and tell him he needs to pay me back. He says I've disrespected and used him and he doesn't owe me a thing. Since we broke up, I bought him insulin, gave him food money, etc.
He then starts the next cycle of his craziness by texting saying he's sorry, and it never would have happened if "I hadn't been deceptive" and he'll pay me back if I come hangout with him, or even just go have lunch (his treat. What a gentleman, right? Haha!) and he'll give me my money. I said no. I count it as a lesson learned.
Go no contact with him. He
Go no contact with him. He can buy his own insulin, DO NOT PITY HIM or anything along those lines.
Consider the $150 an investment in your future.
The guy's a nightmare. The real him is the screaming, thieving, stalking, belittling guy. He was faking it when he would do the nice things for you when ss wasn't around. He was putting in some effort to keep up an act. The real him came back when the boy showed up and when you left. Believe him. That's who he is.
Never speak to him again.
Stay done with him. The
Stay done with him.
The world doesn't need more kids from a broken home, and he's not stable enough to prevent that.
Take care of your kids and don't focus on men for a while - focus on you
It's more fun that way.
Go to school, get a good job, take the occasional weekend to go out with your girls, but enjoy being a mom and getting you and your kids in the best possible place.
Inhell95, I believe that the
Inhell95,
I believe that the advice you have received here, as painful as some of it may be to hear, has been presented in an effort to provide you with guidance and perspective.
Your focus on your education is exactly the right thing you should be doing IMHO. With the help and support of your mother and CS from the baby-daddy you have every probability of a successful outcome if you stay the course in completing your undergraduate education and continue on to grad-school as you navigate your career opportunities.
In a few short years you will be in a position to begin a career rather than just having a job.
Once you have completed your Bachelor's degree and engage in a professional career you will likely find that the quality of suitors/potential equity life partners will improve significantly over the ones you have experienced so far in your young life and in all likelihood be far less geriatric in relation to your own age.
Not that an age difference is necessarily a key failure point for long term relationships. I am 53 and my wife is 41. We have been married for more than 22 years. Like you, my wife was a young single mother. She had SS when she was 16. That did not prevent her from completing HS with her class with honors, a dual major BS with honors, and MBA with honors, and having a successful career as a CPA. Nor has having been a single teen mom prevented her from having a long equity life partnership.
The example you are setting for your kids will be invaluable to them in their own lives far beyond your increased ability to provide for them.
Keep your focus and stay the course on completing your education while putting your kids in their rightful place as your top responsibility. Right now you and your education need to remain your top priority.
Let us know when your graduation is.
Good luck.
Oh honey, please stay away
Oh honey, please stay away from him. Block his number, be completely done. I've watched my own daughter who is your age, repeatedly go back to a loser guy professing how much he's changed. Over and over she got hurt saying, "but I loooove him" and "he's different now."
You've got two little beings who are totally dependent on you. Show them what it's like to live a responsible life free from drama. Finishing your education should be #1 priority, men can wait. If you must date, date casually. Consider getting fixed or bulk up on the birth control.
You're so young w/so much burden, remember to only take on what you can carry in this life.