Another disengage topic
I’ve about decided to disengage from my 4 step sons but I don’t know how it really works. What support gets withheld when a step parent disengages?
My wife helps pay for everything but it’s all in my name. The lease on the house, electric, gas, cable, internet and the cell phone for me my wife and two of her four kids. She can’t get any of this in her name(which is a whole different story)so I took on the responsibility to provide everything we all need.
I’m not disengaging because of the kids, it’s because of my wife. For the most part the kids are good kids. They have a problem with my simple rules sometimes and their Mom doesn’t back me up so they don’t think they need to listen to me which I don't like much but kids are kids. They don't know any better and I can't blame them for the way they were raised.
All four boys(11,13,16 & 20)live with us full time. They visit their Dad on Wednesdays and weekends. They never spend the night there.
My wife knows I would like us to be a happy little family and that I like her kids, but she’ll sometimes use them to hurt me. She tells me that they are her kids and only she is responsible for them and they already have a Dad. I’m not trying to be their Dad, I’m trying to be a responsible adult that provides a safe and happy place for all of us to live. I’m starting to feel that if she wants to be solely responsible for the kids I should withdraw everything I have done that is not necessary for them to survive, and let her take over. But I don’t know how to do that or if it’s the right thing to do. I feel like I’ll be punishing the kids because of the way their Mom is treating me. I don’t want the kids to get caught in the middle but I’m tired of being taken for granted, unappreciated and then told to basically mind my own business.
Do I take away the things like cable and internet and the cell phones?
Do I still buy food for everyone?
Do I continue to wash their clothes when I do laundry?
Do I stop driving them to their Dad's house when their Mom is at work?
Should she pay more than 50% of the bills and rent?
I don’t understand how someone disengages from the children of the person they marry without causing more stress on the marriage.
How does a disengaged step parent keep from feeling like a ghost in their own home? I would think if I disengage from them they will disengage from me also.
!!I’M SO CONFLICTED!!
It sounds like you have a
It sounds like you have a pretty decent relationship with the kids but that when it comes down to it.. your wife doesn't want you to have any "control" over them.
So, you don't really have a kid problem, you have a WIFE problem. Here's the thing, when you hitched your star to her wagon, you will be impacted by lots of things about her from her ability to earn a living, her spending habits, the relative success or failure of her children. If they end up being ne'er do well couch sloths with a drug problem, that will bring strife and conflict and financial pressures into YOUR home. It doesn't just impact her and her ex.
I think it's worth having a conversation with her about the boys.
I would stress that.
1. you like the kids and that you see they have great potential.
2. If they are living with you in your home, their behavior impacts YOU and you should have some ability to have input on their behavior.
3. If you are married to HER, if her kids end up financially dependent adults, that will impact your marital financial health.
4. You do contribute to their financial support and also physically care for them by doing things.
Because of all this, you feel you have a vested interest in them becoming successful citizens of the world. As such, you should have some amount of ability to have input in how they are raised.. as far as being able to correct them when they do something wrong when you are caring for them etc... Your input should be considered with relation to the children because their future is part of your future if you stay with her.
So, with some ground rules in place, you should have some authority in the home. (rules like no physical punishment etc..) If she disagrees with how you handled a situation, you and she can discuss it in private because it undermines you to do it in front of the children. I am assuming that your punishments aren't of such an extreme nature that they can't be carried out.. even if the situation is handled differently "next time".
If she does not want you to have any say/input, then I would tell her that she will need to then take on 100% of the responsibility for the kids financially and chore wise. If you can't be trusted to reasonably correct a child, you can't be trusted to drive them anywhere. I would split bills by person and she will pay her and her son's share.
Sounds like you might have a
Sounds like you might have a communication issue with your wife. Why don't you try to sit down with her (when neither of you are inn emotional state, and over dinner or someplace you can be uninterrupted and try to solve the issue together. i would explain it to her just like you stated in your post. I would try to find out exactly what she means when she says "They already have a dad. Some clarity about her expectations regarding the roles you will both play in you home would be helpful. Have her spell it out for you. Then you can better determine whether that is going to work for you or not. Sometimes problem solving together requires compromise. it is important that the kids are not brought into the discussion as you two are the adults in the home. The children do not get to cross that boundary regarding your relationship. many times. when there is a failed marriage, the parent tends to lose sight of boundaries and begin to lift their children up to their level or sometimes end up putting the children on a pedestal above everyone involved...in order to compensate for the failed relationship, and to meet emotional needs of the parent who is now single. the goal should be what is in the end best for the entire family...If you cannot have this discussion alone, perhaps the aid of a life coach or counselor would give you a third party neutral perspective. You need to have a separate sphere in your relationship regarding just the two of you...That is where healthy boundaries are set.
you will need to decide what "role" you will have so there is no unrealistic expectation on either side. and what role "dad" should be responsible for his children. Your wife's attitude toward you will influence the children, as will their bio father...it is a world of compromise when dealing with broken families...all I can say is to stay true to yourself, and don't be surprised at the reality of your wife expectations...there may have to be a reality check in that department...peace.
Your wife sounds like the one
Your wife sounds like the one you need to disengage from. She sounds like a big time USER.
I posted a link to
I posted a link to disengagement manifesto above. Just in case it is lost:
https://www.steptalk.org/node/235451
it really helped me in dealing with SD17, and BM. I also told BM's boyfriend snippets, to help him out when sD17 decided to use him as a punching bag. Disengagement is really different for everyone. When we first starting out relationship, I would make breakfast every darn morning, I would pick up toys and clothes, I would wash dishes. I would caretake, I would be driver. NOW, I have backed way off. Each Skid is responsible for picking up their stuff, and each kid washes their own dishes. I ask things of them, and when they argue, I expect my SO to back me up. I do not back down. My home, my rules. Your home, your rules, you need to EXPECT respect.
Your DW is really not doing herself or her children ANY favors. And she is jeopardizing her marriage. Have a discussion, or more than one, and really let her know how you feel. Keeping it bottled up will only make things worse. Now is the time to step up to the plate for YOURSELF.